domestic violence

polaroid

Please ignore Swiss69 - its a stupid stupid thing to say.
Until you are in that situation you cant comment. yes we all want to say we would never put up with it, it would never happen to us, but unfortunately live and love isnt like that. I considered myself to be a strong, intelligent woman but my relationship that started off so great soon turned nasty. if we all had a switch in our head that could stop love then things would be a lot easier, obviously we cant do that and even when you are lying in a heap on the floor scared whitless you still want to believe that they didnt mean it and it wont happen again. as for his mother, its heartbreaking, my ex's parents were exactly the same. they would come round and ignore the broken glass and cuts and bruises, because they didnt want to think it was their son.
you have done the hardest bit and you HAVE to stick to your guns. you almost have to go on auto-pilot and take each day at a time. you just have to focus on your child. i left in the end because it was scaring my daughter. from the outside we had a wonderful life and i got a lot grief from people who didnt understand. but everyday I thank god i left. i dont regret it for a second and the love does fade.
i wish you the very best of luck, you are doing the right thing and you sound like a very strong, good person
xx

solongmarianne

thanks for everyones input so far!

imfedup

I also didnt want to read and run. I have also been in your situation and I loved him for a very long time after, but it was the man he was not the man he became. I thought he would change, but your right enough is enough.

You need to carry on with the police thing, I know its intrusive and I know its really unpleasant but it also means that if he gets a criminal record for domestic violence it will be his own fault and may (and I mean may) make him reconsier his actions in the future with another woman.

I hope that everything works out for you, I am sending you lots of hugs and best wishes to both you and your daughter. YOu have come to the right place on here, I know you are not looking for sympathy or pats on the back for what you have done, more for your own peace of mind and to get things off your chest.

xxxx :j

RoxieW

hi - i just wanted to add my support and say that your mixed feelings are completely natural. My mum was/is (I havent seen her since I was old enough to leave home) in a violent relationship and I watched her fade away from being a strong woman who said it was a one off/if that ever happens again etc etc to a woman who stood by and allowed her own children to be abused because she was too weak to do anything about it. She thought she loved this man.
Of course I've always been very 'I'd never let that happen to me etc etc' however, if my husband who i dearly love and is father to my children hit me I know I wouldnt be able to turn off the feelings I have for him like a tap. I couldnt even say that I would be strong enough not to give him another chance.
You've done the right thing. You are strong and I admire you. I wish my mum had been like you - would have spared us all years of fear and heartache and I'd still have a mum today. Kids see and hear alot more then we like to imagine.
Be kind to yourself - fill your days with things that you and your daughter enjoy. Please yourself while you can. And if you find yourself wavering, think of how damaged your daughter could have been had she been in the house that night. Next time, she easily could be.
Hugs R xx

solongmarianne

imfedup wrote: »

I also didnt want to read and run. I have also been in your situation and I loved him for a very long time after, but it was the man he was not the man he became. I thought he would change, but your right enough is enough.

You need to carry on with the police thing, I know its intrusive and I know its really unpleasant but it also means that if he gets a criminal record for domestic violence it will be his own fault and may (and I mean may) make him reconsier his actions in the future with another woman.

I hope that everything works out for you, I am sending you lots of hugs and best wishes to both you and your daughter. YOu have come to the right place on here, I know you are not looking for sympathy or pats on the back for what you have done, more for your own peace of mind and to get things off your chest.

xxxx :j

no you are right its not sympathy I want or need x

Janepig

solongmarianne wrote: »

I told the police he had broke bail conditions, however he denied being here, his mother (who thinks I strangled myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) said he was with her all evening, so the police said they are tied up , which I can sort of understad.hwever next time I will 999 hopefully they will be quick enough to catch him.

the offices at the domestic violence unit have been fantastic, I am scared of going to court because I had a woman police officer come out and take pictures of all my marks and bruises which I found really embarassing , I know I shouldnt but I do . I dont want people seeing my bits lol.

however I want him to see what he has done to me, I want him to acknowledge it, so therefore it needs to be done.

with regards to counselling I do not feel ready yet, possibly it hasnt sunk in yet? I have numbers to call when I feel ready, and victim support have already contacted me in reards to what will happen at court. xx

If he's pleading not guilty to assaulting you and it's going to trial then the CPS can apply for (and get) special measures which means you can give evidence from behind a screen or on video link so you don't have to look at him. There should also be a witness care service available at Court who can go through everything with you. But giving evidence is nerve racking at the best of times so you're never going to feel totally calm about it.

Make sure you contact the Police about ANY breaches of bail, which should also include if he rings you or contacts you in any way - in my experience most Courts take breaches of bail in domestic violence cases quite seriously.

Jxx

imfedup

Thats the best thing to do, I kept a diary of how I felt each day, when things got really bad and I felt alone and wanted him back I read through my diary and it got me through. The feelings that you have now for him WILL go away, then you will become angry at yourself for putting up with it and angry at him for doing it, then comes the feeling of loss its a bit like grief. But then you come home, have some tea in peace play with your daughter and say [EMAIL="s@d"]s@d[/EMAIL] it to the washing up cos you dont have to. Then you both get into your bed for a cuddle and chat before DD goes to her own room and its THE best feeling in the world.

You will come through this, you are a strong person and you HAVE done the right thing.
xx
xx

solongmarianne

Janepig wrote: »

If he's pleading not guilty to assaulting you and it's going to trial then the CPS can apply for (and get) special measures which means you can give evidence from behind a screen or on video link so you don't have to look at him. There should also be a witness care service available at Court who can go through everything with you. But giving evidence is nerve racking at the best of times so you're never going to feel totally calm about it.

Make sure you contact the Police about ANY breaches of bail, which should also include if he rings you or contacts you in any way - in my experience most Courts take breaches of bail in domestic violence cases quite seriously.

Jxx

he intends to plead not guilty

polaroid

imfedup wrote: »

Thats the best thing to do, I kept a diary of how I felt each day, when things got really bad and I felt alone and wanted him back I read through my diary and it got me through. The feelings that you have now for him WILL go away, then you will become angry at yourself for putting up with it and angry at him for doing it, then comes the feeling of loss its a bit like grief. But then you come home, have some tea in peace play with your daughter and say s@d it to the washing up cos you dont have to. Then you both get into your bed for a cuddle and chat before DD goes to her own room and its THE best feeling in the world.

You will come through this, you are a strong person and you HAVE done the right thing.
xx
xx

thanks for this post. how true xx

ameliarate

swiss69 wrote: »

Personally I dont think that it is natural to love someone thats tries to kill you as another poster said. I just dont get it at all. If someone tried to kill me then I would stop loving them immediately. In fact if my partner did anything to hurt me I would be the same. Maybe being male we just dont get as attached as women. I have never understood why people who are beaten regularly dont walk away.

Hope you stick with your decision to get rid of him as it could seriously end in tears in you go back on that decision. Violent people never ever change.

I must admit I find it hard to understand how anyone stays with someone who abuses them and I find it hard to understand why people are scared of being alone, however, I have never been in that situation. I do think that:

(a) people don't love the person hurting them so much as the "image" they have of that person, which was created when they first met and before the abuse.
(b) you can be so beaten down emotionally that you come to believe that you are useless, worthless, hopeless etc etc.

Whatever the ins and out and I doubt I will ever understand, I do wish you and any other person who has/is going through this well.