Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Idiophreak

Steph998 wrote: »

I feel if I earned it, I could more easily help Dan out with it.
x

Don't you think the OH would still have something to say about it, though? By the sounds of it, it's not the money itself that's the problem, more that he feels your son's been given enough - won't he feel this way wherever the money comes from? Seems either way you need to talk to the OH and explain why you feel your son needs more help..

Errata

Perhaps some financial perspective needs to be brought to this.

We read in the papers about pensioners being worried sick about their bills and wondering if they'll have to make the choice between eating and heating. Those pensioners who only have their state retirement pension to live on have it topped up with pension credit to give them £124 a week, excluding any housing and council tax benefit they may be entitled to, and this may increase by circa £10 a week in April (increases are pegged to the rate of inflation in Sep/Oct 08).

The young chap in this case will have a total of £70 each week to cover all the things a pensioner is expected to cover with £124 - plus he will have to buy his books out of that and attempt to have some kind of social life. In April 09 a pensioner will have almost twice this amount to live on.

Given the above, the son is living in fuel poverty - but can't benefit from a social tariff as the utilities are probably in the stepdad's name - and is also living well below the poverty line.

Although the son lives rent free, if this had not been the case, a teenager unable to live with their family and under 18 would be supported by Social Services acting in the role of parent.


Stepdad may have struggled very hard to get to where he is, but parents usually do this so their children aren't faced with the same hard struggle - they want their kids to experience a better life than the one they had.

Is the bottom line of the challenge this family faces the fact that stepdad should be doing as much as he can for his family ? Which at the moment includes a normal bolshy teenager/skint student. Would stepdad behave this way towards a teenage girl? Assuming that stepdad has no children of his own, and was left to fend for himself at a young age, he may have no experience of how teenagers are best parented, and may be taking a tough line because he feels he ought to, rather than because it's sensible.

It may be that the son's dad walked out on him without a backward glance, not a nice thing to happen to any small child, and he then became the centre of his mum's world until quite a few years later the stepdad became part of the family and the family dynamics changed. Now at 17 he's faced with the hard fact that two fathers have given up on him, despite all he's achieved and is achieving. That's quite a challenge, and not easily coped with without goodwill and understanding on all sides.
HTH

Keeping_Motivated

Everyone thinks of things differently but I see that you do 'earn' money. I mean I take it that your husband 'wanted' you to be a stay at home mum and look after the home and your husband too? In that case that was your 'job' and he did not solely earn all the money. Also if you now run the website and the home then again that is your job and you should see that you also earn part of the money.

Steph998

CelticStar wrote: »

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Your son has already been rejected by his natural father - a hard thing for anyone to come to terms with - and it seems to me that he hasn't done anything really bad and has actually achieved quite a lot in his life.

Thank you. You know, I mentioned in my OP about how Dan had done some things to affect his relationship with his step dad. ... I didn't feel I wanted to add to my original long post with the details...but I think now I should mention what it was that brought matters to a head and really put the dampers on any relationship between Dan and his step dad.

They have had a fairly shaky relationship for a couple of years, for all sorts of reasons. They have never seen eye to eye on anything, especially usual teenage drinking (quite rightly) but generally they just did not get on. Anyway, we own a car sales garage, and when Dan started lessons last year, he was GIVEN a lovely Renault Clio, for his own use. We still owned it, but to all intents and purposes it was his. He drove on our garage insurance. Sure enough, he passed his test and we sat down with him and made sure he was aware of all the rules regarding drink driving etc, as any normal parent would do. Within a week, Dan had crashed the car, going too fast, and also written off another car coming in the other direction. We were just glad no one was killed....and told him, well you had your chance, blew it, so you are off the road.

A week later, he came in from town drunk, at 4am while we were in bed, took the keys for the family car and went off for a drive. The first we knew was the police at the door, Dan in hospital, (cuts and bruises) he had caused two grands worth of damage to 'street furniture', and written off our brand new Megane. Of course, we had to say he did not have permission to drive...so he was charged with taking and driving without permission, drunk driving, no insurance (due to having no permission) and careless driving.

He was in Court earlier this month. It was really worrying us all not least because a criminal record could really have affected his future career as a chemical engineer, visas etc. However, for reasons that are too long to go into and mistakes made by the Procurator Fiscal, he actually got off with a four hundred pound fine (which he is paying back monthly) and a years ban for careless driving only.

So....this is why I struggle so much. He was given a number of chances by his Dad, and basically threw them all back in his face. OH could hardly look at Dan he was so angry, and any feelings he did have fizzled out. I as his mother was angry but still love him. Living in the same house was a nightmare, hence the flat, and why I feel OH has done enough....but I don't like to see Dan struggling!

Whew.What a mess huh.

Idiophreak

Steph998 wrote: »

Whew.What a mess huh.

That's for sure.

Have to say, that post changes things a little in my mind...There's a difference between someone doing normal teenage rebellion stuff and someone stealing cars and drink driving...The first probably deserves all the help and support you can give them, the second...I don't know...I know you're his mum and still love him etc, but I can totally see where your OH is coming from, actually...

Keeping_Motivated

Awe again I really feel for you, even 'good' children make whopper mistakes like this sometimes and hopefully he has learnt his lesson and will move on from it. I think this should take some of your guilt away though coz there were genuine reasons for him to have to live away from home and he has to take some responsibility for that. However I also stand by the fact that hopefully one day your husband will forgive these pat mistakes and they can both move on from it. Your son needs to know that part of rebuilding this relationship is his responsibility.

Not making excuses for him but does he have any anger or feelings about not ever seeing his dad?

Steph998

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Not making excuses for him but does he have any anger or feelings about not ever seeing his dad?

You know, I'm not sure how he feels. Nowadays, it never gets mentioned; rightly or wrongly I don't know, we just never talk about it.

He didn't even get upset as a child having no dad around, probably because my own lovely father played quite a big part in his life and was his role model to some extent. He just accepted it as being the way life was, and I though I never, ever spoke ill of his father in front of him, I think it was just generally accepted that we were better off without him.

SandC

In light of what you've just disclosed, I still say emphasise to your husband how hard he has been working at the part time job plus studies. I suppose you have to try to reason that whatever has gone on it's done with and you have as a couple agreed to support him through university. He is doing what he can with regard to having a job - really it looks as if a corner may have been turned with his behaviour and he is now knuckling down.

I think your husband, aside from being told to eff off etc., is more worried that anything that you give your son will be taken for granted as he did with his car. I can see exactly where he is coming from, given that he has built up everything he has from scratch. Your son has behaved in the exact opposite way from the way he wanted him to turn out.

I think it just needs time. You can see for yourself that the behaviour displayed doesn't appear to be indicative of him going off the rails in all aspects of his life.

I still don't really think this is a stepdad issue at all. Though it's very normal for a teen to throw this kind of accusation out when things aren't going their way.

I say food parcels is the way to go! That and a chat with hubby about rising costs and put a budget together for him to look at to see how much of a struggle it is. Perhaps he will be more amiable towards you buying the books he needs etc. and it is the handing over of cash that he isn't happy about.

I have a stepmother and for what it's worth I was always aware that as we accepted her as such she was then in charge in the way that a mother would be and that her word was gospel just as much as dad's was. There would be no tolerance of either of us ever bringing up the step parent issue in times of conflict, dad would have gone ballistic quite frankly.

Steph998

Thanks..again, and again.

I didn't go into detail about the background simply because I didn't anticipate getting such a great response, and subsequently having such an in depth discussion. Remiss of me really, as it does have such an impact on my questions in the original post.... the more we discussed it, the more I really felt I should explain a little more.

I do really think Dan has learned his lesson from his behaviour this year. He knows how disappointed we are in him, and he realises how lucky he is to be supported through university after everything that has gone on.

Genuinely, again, thank you all so much for your help and advice. I am so glad I found this site.

Keeping_Motivated

I think from what you have posted you have nothing to reproach yourself for, you are trying to stand by the two people you love equally and thats a tough job but I am sure they both appreciate it even if they don't actually show it.

The only thing I can suggest further is that you keep the lines of communication as open and honest as you can with both of them while at the same time taking the responsibility OFF YOUR own shoulders of trying to make the peace between them. They can do that themselves when they see fit and while they think YOU will sort it out they don't 'need' to step up to the plate as you are shouldering some of their responsibility.

I would tell your husband exactly how you feel and also I would tell you son too then leave it at that.

As for not knowing how your son feels about his natural father then obviously we are stepping into something you have not asked advice about but would it be worth saying to your son something like 'I know we don't talk about your natural father but I want you to know that you can talk to me about him if ever you want to'? Only reason I am saying this is you may be assuming he feels ok (which he actually might) but he also may not want to upset you by mentioning it so its worth letting him know he can.