Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

SandC

Gosh, difficult one and I can see both sides. Yes, he's got rent free accommodation (which although less than halls does not included bills and expenses). If I were you I would do 'shops' for him and treat him that way.

For your husband's part, maybe you could emphasise how he went out and got a job off his own back and while he is always skint and seemingly able to smoke and drink at least he is not like x friends at uni who are doing the same off loans (which he can't even get) or off their parents. He must know quite a lot of students who don't have part time jobs at all. At least he has - that proves he is conscientious.

So far as them coming to blows goes - I agree with a previous poster. It's not just a step parent issue. It doesn't seem like it now but the liklihood is when your son is done with uni and starts settling down all this animosity will be in the past and both parties will probably regret some of the words said and things done. It may never change but chances are it will.

I don't even recognise the absolutely awful git my brother was until his mid twenties. His attitude towards his step mother was dreadful at times and no better towards his dad. He has made up for it tenfold since maturing. And there is no particular reason for his bad behaviour but sometimes it brought the worst out in Dad and my stepmum.

Hang on in there but do remind your husband how responsible he is being just by working.

Errata

Does you husband need to give more weight to what your son has already achieved ? He worked whilst he was still at school to fund his social life himself, he's now working whilst reading for a degree - and he's still only 17!
Workig and studying at the same time is bl00dy hard work ! Did your OH have to juggle full time study with a part time job and some social life all at the same time ?

Your OH wasn't happy when your so told him to 'eff off', but clearly your son has enough confidence to be able to do that, and that's no bad thing as it will be a rare child who hasn't thought that and many have said it.

Your OH and you have reared a son who has already achieved much in his short life, something which is a credit to both of you. Don't let money tear the family apart. There are no pockets in a shroud !

Steph998

Thanks again Errata for those words. I don't think Dan gets enough credit for what he has - and is - achieving. OH has perhaps been too quick to jump on all the bad stuff, and not give praise where it is due, but this really is a family trait. And no, my OH never went to uni, he left school at 15 and became an apprentice mechanic. He did leave home at 17 though.

Idiophreak

homeaway wrote: »

I would do a shop with him once a month but i would not give him cash as that will be drunk/smoked away.

Seems harsh to assume that in the first instance.

I've found for most folks at uni, it's actually quite hard to ask your parents for more help...not sure he'd do it if he just wanted more fags and booze...

poet123

It is very hard being a parent of young adults but we never stop being their parents regardless of age. Being a step parent can't be easy either, but they simply dont have that"gut" attachment to the kids that blood parents have(in most cases).

I cannot imagine how hard it must be to be piggy in the middle in this situation, but my gut reaction as a mother is that I could not let my son go short in this situation. If he was estranged from you in the eyes of the law, he would receive a full grant/loans etc,so he is being penalised by the fact that this is not a formalised arrangement,and so your income is being counted. Maybe your husband does not fully realise that?

Although you have bought him a flat,that will of course give you a capital return,and allows him to be other than in the family home, so it is not an altogether altruistic act.

I think that I would be having a full and frank discussion with my husband, about the fact that marriage to you came as a package deal, and with it came your son,and responsibilities to him both financial, and otherwise.

If this situation is allowed to continue,then in the future when your son is fully independent, and older, you may well find he believes you chose his stepfather over him, and becomes distant. I can tell from your posts that this would break your heart,as it would mine. So while you may see this as a short term funding issue, I think you probably know deep down that it is the underlying issues which need to be addressed.

I have sons at University,and we pay their rent,tuition,book bills etc, because they are assessed on our income, and like your son receive only the minimum loans. They budget,but because our income is taken into account we feel an obligation to step up to the plate and bridge the gap,and of course we want to see them warm,well fed and able to socialise(which is a big part of Uni life)...and achieve.

I hope you can sort this problem out, because I think it will, in time, come between you and your husband. You sound like a lovely mum,and for your own peace of mind too, it needs to be discussed and a solution found which will leave everyone feeling that their needs have been met.

belfastgirl23

I'd actually set the step issue aside. As another poster says, these issues often arise between father and son at this time of life and I think your DH is being very reasonable in paying for your son's living accommodation (not because he is a step father if you see what I mean, I think it would also be a good gesture for a father). I also don't think this will necessarily bring resentment on the part of your son, to be honest being set up independently in a nice little flat is a bit of a dream for a lot of 17 year olds and it will do him no harm with girlfriends etc!

I guess I really don't think you have much to feel guilty about. You've done your best in a difficult situation. I suspect (as a poster above says) that in a few years time your husband and your son will be ganging up on you about watching football or something similar, all they need is a bit of space from each other. If they got on well before the teenage years they will do again once all the hormone rages are over.

By all means help him out once in a while if he's really struggling but personally I wouldn't go the allowance route. He can manage on the money he has if he's careful. He can earn extra in holidays for luxuries. An unexpected £20 is better than £50 extra a week in some ways since it really feels like money that's found money.

And good luck!

Steph998

poet123 wrote: »

It is very hard being a parent of young adults but we never stop being their parents regardless of age. Being a step parent can't be easy either, but they simply dont have that"gut" attachment to the kids that blood parents have(in most cases).

I cannot imagine how hard it must be to be piggy in the middle in this situation, but my gut reaction as a mother is that I could not let my son go short in this situation. If he was estranged from you in the eyes of the law, he would receive a full grant/loans etc,so he is being penalised by the fact that this is not a formalised arrangement,and so your income is being counted. Maybe your husband does not fully realise that?

Although you have bought him a flat,that will of course give you a capital return,and allows him to be other than in the family home, so it is not an altogether altruistic act.

I think that I would be having a full and frank discussion with my husband, about the fact that marriage to you came as a package deal, and with it came your son,and responsibilities to him both financial, and otherwise.

If this situation is allowed to continue,then in the future when your son is fully independent, and older, you may well find he believes you chose his stepfather over him, and becomes distant. I can tell from your posts that this would break your heart,as it would mine. So while you may see this as a short term funding issue, I think you probably know deep down that it is the underlying issues which need to be addressed.

I have sons at University,and we pay their rent,tuition,book bills etc, because they are assessed on our income, and like your son receive only the minimum loans. They budget,but because our income is taken into account we feel an obligation to step up to the plate and bridge the gap,and of course we want to see them warm,well fed and able to socialise(which is a big part of Uni life)...and achieve.

I hope you can sort this problem out, because I think it will, in time, come between you and your husband. You sound like a lovely mum,and for your own peace of mind too, it needs to be discussed and a solution found which will leave everyone feeling that their needs have been met.

I simply cannot get over the wealth of wisdom, caring and genuine concern on this site. You lot are fabulous, do you all know that? How have you all managed to understand my problem so brilliantly, and give such appropriate asdvice, without personally knowing me and my family?

I couldn't have had better help if I had gone for counselling. And yes. It is it is the underlying issues that need to be addressed.


Genuinely, from my heart, thanks to all who have replied. It's helped me so, so much. And in turn, I know it will help my son, and my husband.

Steph
xxxxxx

Errata

Steph, you're very welcome. Many people are generous with their time/information/advice on MSE, thank goodness.
I'm glad the thread has helped you to see things from different points of view, it's so easy not to be able to see the wood for the trees sometimes.
Unfortunately, the challenge your family is facing just now is far more common than you might think.
Good luck.

Keeping_Motivated

I'm glad its helped you.

Have thought about showing your husband this thread?

Steph998

Yes I have...I worry he would be slightly hurt at some of the things I have said about him and his family etc. I don't think I have ever been so open about how I feel as I have on this thread, I have even surprised myself. Lol. I guess I have never voiced my true feelings to him. He is a good man, and I love him to the moon and back, but he just does not understand about the maternal bond. When all is said and done...he HAS paid out a substantial amount of money so Dan can live in a flat rent free, I guess some step parents would just have chucked the lad out. And I guess he must know I occasionally top up Dan's money....but turns a blind eye.

How can you tell someone who has done what he thinks best for all concerned that it still isn't enough? That it isn't about the money...it's about his lack of 'love'?