Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Errata

I completely agree with Aliasojo. I may be a little biased as I too had to move into a bedsit as the house wasn't big enough for my stepdad and I. This was in the 60's, I was also 17. It left me feeling that I was the only family I had and I was the only one that could be relied on for both cash and comfort.
It left a chasm between me and the family which has existed ever since.

OP, I think your husband needs to be reminded that he took on you and
your son as a unit, and although you may not have said the words the commitment really is 'for better and for worse'.

Was your OH fending for himself and living away from the family home at 17? Did his father give him no support? Perhaps if this is the case your OH doesn't understand that is not normally what families and dad's do. Can your OH not be generous in spirit, proud of what his stepson is already acheiving and giving him all the support he can so that he also can work hard and be successful.

I'm somewhat hesitant about if what I've written has been at all helpful. I guess what the situation reminds me of is the Lion driving the young male cub out of the herd and leaving it to fend for itself in the bush without bothering to give it any lessons in hunting for itself.

Perhaps there needs to be an appeal to your OH's better nature, and reminded that surely - he's a better man than that .

Does he wish your grandson(s) when they arrive to be as harshly treated? Your son is learning how to be a father from his stepdad, and it looks like just now the lessons being taught are the wrong ones.

Oldernotwiser

Errata wrote: »

Your son is learning how to be a father from his stepdad, and it looks like just now the lessons being taught are the wrong ones.

Teaching your children to be self reliant and to pay their own way seems to me to be the best lessons in life that anybody could ever learn! If the son teaches his children this as well then you will both have done an excellent thing.

FairyElephant_2

Hiya,

I do have lots of sympathy for your situation, but also for your hubby's. I assume from your post that you & hubby don't have any children together?

I would def. not go behind your hubby's back about anything - was trying to think of a tactful way to put this, but can't really, so here goes...your son would at some point have moved out anyway and made his own life, although hopefully you will always have a role in it...you & your hubby have the rest of your lives to live together - would you want deceit to ruin that relationship, or even to put a shadow over it?
My first marriage was ruined in the most part by my ex'h's lies & deceptions (there were lots of other factors, but that was the basis of the problem), so I really hope you won't go there.
OK - lecture over!!!!! Hope you don't take it the wrong way please, I am concerned for you.

I think I sort-of know where your hubby may be coming from, from my situation. I was brought up to stand on my own feet from an early age, and as a family we had very little money, so I get annoyed at how 'easy' my stepkids have it sometimes!
DH & I both work. We split the household bills 50/50, but as he has to pay CSA on top of that he's left with very little 'disposable income', so although I earn less than him, I pay for any treats, holidays etc, and supplement the 'housekeeping budget'.
DH has 3 kids - the eldest is also 17, and when he stays with us he wants to do nothing but laze about, watch TV, play video games and eat the contents of my fridge and cupboards! Just this last weekend DH & I had a bit of a row about it (after kids had gone home!) - I 'objected very strongly' that MY hard-earned cash was feeding his lazy son who wouldn't even do the washing up! Don't get me wrong, they are not bad kids and we get on fairly well, but they are typical teenagers of today I suppose. The main point here though (sorry for the rambling!) is that during the 'row' I said something like "would you go to work in a job you don't even enjoy, to pay for luxuries for someone else's kids???".

I'm not proud of it, and it isn't nice to admit it, but I do get resentful sometimes of the money (and time) spent on his kids. I know that this is essentially 'my problem' and part of what I signed up for, but there it is and I have to get over it. Maybe your DH has some similar feelings, but does not want to admit it (or even doesn't realise it himself)? I've talked to other 'steps' in similar situations, and they feel the same, although we don't like to tell our OH's as it sounds so mean!

On a practical note, could you take your son shopping once in a while (maybe ask him to 'help' you, so save his pride, when you'll actually be buying groceries for him too!) and while you are doing it be giving him hints how to budget, plan meals etc, without him even realising it - and you can get him some groceries at the same time (maybe suggest he can cook 'so and so' for tea, and put in in your trolley for him. You can especially take advantage of BOGOFS & offers and split them between him & you. Explain to your husband what you are doing, from the point of view of teaching your son to cope better independantly, and hopefully he will understand. Just an idea.

Sorry I've written such a long post, but hope some of it might be helpful!

Best wishes,

FE

Steph998

Thanks all yet again for giving me so much to think about. This really is a great site.

I wish you could see the DVD of my wedding, with my husband mentioning my son first in his speech....how he acknowledged Dan was part of the 'package', how he stated in front of all of our guests how he hoped he could be a great Dad to him. (My ex husband ran off with his ex girlfriend when Dan was only five months, and has never looked back. Literally.) Anyway, I just could not believe I had finally got my Cinderella dream, met a gorgeous man who loved me and my son, so when Dan started to grow up and they didn't get on, it really hit hard. Dan is NO angel believe me - some of the things he has done - probably no different from a lot of teenagers but he has really hurt us in the past. My husband is quite old fashioned, not exactly laid back....he has made a real success of his life, through sheer hard work and was given nothing by his parents, so although he would give me the world, I know he would, he quite rightly finds it hard to feel the same way about a lad who quite frequently told him to 'eff off' when he was questioned about what time he came in on a weekend.

It sometimes seems it all just turned out horribly wrong, after me thinking I was the luckiest woman alive. Don't get me wrong...I love my husband, and I would never change things. I just wish he loved Dan the way I do - unconditionally, and he never will. I feel like I have let my son down, even though to all intents and purposes he is doing really well in the flat, going to uni etc. I just didn't think my only son would have to move out at age 17. Apart from anything else, I miss him! (Im welling up again.....lol).

Steph998

Errata wrote: »

I'm somewhat hesitant about if what I've written has been at all helpful. I guess what the situation reminds me of is the Lion driving the young male cub out of the herd and leaving it to fend for itself in the bush without bothering to give it any lessons in hunting for itself.
s.

You are very wise. Thanks.

floss2

Steph998 wrote: »

He only qualifies for the minimum loan....850 per year, as it is means tested, and we earn over the limit. ......

Steph, I think you need to read the Student Finance website again - here's the link to the current student loan rates: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/EducationAndLearning/UniversityAndHigherEducation/StudentFinance/FinanceForNewStudents/DG_070194

I think there has been a misunderstanding somewhere. Put it this way, my OH's income alone takes us over the limit for any contribution from the Government, but my son gets 75% of the maximum student loan, plus what I give him to make up the difference.

fay144

Steph998 wrote: »

Thanks all for your helpful replies.
He only qualifies for the minimum loan....850 per year, as it is means tested, and we earn over the limit.

This makes all the difference to me - he is losing out on almost (?) £3k a year due to your financial position, so IMO you should make up the difference. It doesn't seem fair that he's worse off now than if you'd kicked him out years earlier and he could claim financial independance from you.

..Saying that, you are paying his rent. How much are you charging his friend? Is it less than £3k a year? If so, I would make up the difference.

Also - being 17, the usual other routes of student debt for emergencies (overdraft, credit card) will not be open to him, so I would set aside some money in case he phones begging when he gets an unexpected bill. If he's almost 18 I suppose that won't apply.

I think he's done quite well to get a job and fit it in with his studies. I moved away for uni at 16, and really struggled to find a part time job since the usual bar work, etc, wasn't open to me. Lots of the cleaning etc jobs I looked at were 18+. In the end I just worked in the holidays.

conradmum

Steph, I feel so sorry for you. Yours is the tale of many step-families, where the step parent starts out with the best of intentions but ends up at loggerheads with their stepchild. I take it your husband has no children of his own? Sometimes step parents can have unrealistic expectations of children's behaviour.

I think what has happened is that your husband has been quite strict and you've been softer to make up for his attitude. And now this is continuing even though your son's left home. On the one hand you say he can't manage on his money. On the other you say he has enough money for beer and cigs.

You sound like a quite well off family if your son only qualifies for the minimum loan. I imagine your son has been quite used to having things easily available to him. I'm not saying he's spoilt. He's gone and got himself a job and is largely supporting himself. But you feel a certain amount of pressure to provide him with more. Is he putting this pressure on you? Is it his habit to ask you for things when he knows your husband wouldn't approve?

Please don't beat yourself up about not giving him an ideal dad. How many children get ideal parents? We all do the best we can. And your husband has been a good provider for most of your son's life, more than his real dad could do. Things could have been a lot worse. Your son's studying at university, working and staying out of trouble. Lots of parents would be over the moon if the same were true of their children.

Don't give him money behind your husband's back. Deceit is really damaging to a marriage, and while your son will go off on his own, you'll be married to your husband for the rest of your life.

You're right, your son is quite young to be living away from home, but if you're confident that he isn't starving or suffering through lack of money, you should limit your support to small gifts to help out. The most important thing is that he knows you still love him and will be there for him if he's ever in real need. But you have to tread the fine line between support and mollycoddling. Don't let your unnecessary guilt blind you to the difference.

Steph998

Thank you condramum, for taking the time for that - yet more words of wisdom.

I really am taking all this on board, so thanks everyone.

xx

Steph998

fay144 wrote: »

This makes all the difference to me - he is losing out on almost (?) £3k a year due to your financial position, so IMO you should make up the difference. It doesn't seem fair that he's worse off now than if you'd kicked him out years earlier and he could claim financial independance from you.

..Saying that, you are paying his rent. How much are you charging his friend? Is it less than £3k a year? If so, I would make up the difference.

Also - being 17, the usual other routes of student debt for emergencies (overdraft, credit card) will not be open to him, so I would set aside some money in case he phones begging when he gets an unexpected bill. If he's almost 18 I suppose that won't apply.

I think he's done quite well to get a job and fit it in with his studies. I moved away for uni at 16, and really struggled to find a part time job since the usual bar work, etc, wasn't open to me. Lots of the cleaning etc jobs I looked at were 18+. In the end I just worked in the holidays.

Perhaps not qualifying for more of a loan is a good thing...? I mean, it is not a grant, it's a loan after all, and he will have to pay it all back one day. Paying back the amount he gets wont be a problem hopefully , but, for example.... his girlfriend got the maximum student loan available in Scotland - AND - is also up to her eyes in bank overdraft/credit cards. She is a second year art student who has admitted she hates her course and will probably give it up before she finishes. And then immediately will have to pay back the student loan she has already had and already spent (does it start to accrue interest as soon as they stop their student status? )

We don't charge Dan rent. His mate pays 200 per month. They top up the gas and electricity meters themselves, and buy their own food. They are all pay as you go, even the phone and internet, so he won't get any bills. (I have hidden a couple of tenners in the flat under the carpet, lol, incase I ever get a desperate phone call in the middle of winter with no money on the meters)

He is doing chemical engineering, and it is quite a difficult course. If I thought his job (which he loves) was interfering with his studies we would have to look at it again. Of course we don't want him to struggle to get through uni. Even if it means him coming back to live at home. My husband has already agreed to this. Dan wants to do well, and is the kind of lad that will come and tell me if he is struggling. (He has worked for ages...he had a paper round, then worked for Asda in his last year of school, so he has quite a good attitude to it. )

Reading all the comments here, I have to see things without being so emotional. Thanks all for helping me to take a good look at the situation, from all sides. He is luckier than most students, he seems to be doing fine, I go round there twice a week to make sure everything is OK and he will never starve or freeze. I am not going to go behind my husbands back. In fact, I am going to sit down with him later and discuss all my concerns, and hopefully we can sort something out and...so thanks again all.

xx