Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Oldernotwiser

floss2 wrote: »

Steph, I think you need to read the Student Finance website again - here's the link to the current student loan rates: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/EducationAndLearning/UniversityAndHigherEducation/StudentFinance/FinanceForNewStudents/DG_070194

I think there has been a misunderstanding somewhere. Put it this way, my OH's income alone takes us over the limit for any contribution from the Government, but my son gets 75% of the maximum student loan, plus what I give him to make up the difference.

I think that you missed the post where I asked if the OP lived in Scotland; assuming that's the case (as I did) then this would indeed be the situation.

Steph998

floss2 wrote: »

Steph, I think you need to read the Student Finance website again - here's the link to the current student loan rates: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/EducationAndLearning/UniversityAndHigherEducation/StudentFinance/FinanceForNewStudents/DG_070194

I think there has been a misunderstanding somewhere. Put it this way, my OH's income alone takes us over the limit for any contribution from the Government, but my son gets 75% of the maximum student loan, plus what I give him to make up the difference.

Floss..thanks. We live in Scotland, and Student loans are organised though this company
http://www.student-support-saas.gov.uk/

We certainly filled out all the forms correctly, he lives away from home, we declared our income....but they still told him he would only qualify for the minimum, £850ish per year.

Idiophreak

This is quite a tough one.

When I went to uni, I gave my parents my full loan (I had about 80%, I think) - in return, they paid my rent for me and gave me something like £50 a week for food and bills...they also helped out when I needed books, equipment etc for my course...Didn't seem unreasonable to me, or my parents. Some people gave more, but it was enough for me - and work topped it up, anyway.

(NB: This was only for my first degree, after that I was more or less left to look after myself - although they gave the odd "care package", train fares home, a cheque here and there etc.

I don't think it's unreasonable, then, for you to give your son a bit of cash each week to help him out. Yes, he needs to stand on his own two feet etc, but there are different ways of helping him do that. I know *too many* people from uni that ended up with three or four overdrafts, a bunch of CC debt, dodgy loans etc, which takes years to sort out once you graduate. I'm sure their parents thought they were helping them learn by cutting them off, but I just can't see it.

Your son should be able to save a fair amount in holidays, so shouldn't need a lot of help, but if he can prove to you that he's not off spending £40 on a night out each week, I don't think it's bad for you to help out.

I wouldn't try and do anything behind your OH's back, though - he needs to understand that you want to give your son the best start you can in life, whatever you think that takes...

Keeping_Motivated

I don't know if I'm repeating anyone coz not had time to read all your replies but please remember that it is not only step parents who have these kind of fall outs with children. Some 'real' fathers and mothers have battles with youbng people at this age and really wonder if they will ever be able to get along and have years of much conflict. Most times I think things even out and slowly as the child matures the 'parent' mellows and 'forgives' all the conflict and disrespect that has gone before.

I hope this is the case will your husband and son as the fact you love them both shows they BOTH must have some lovely qualities and hopefully this will all come to a nicer conclusion.

Would your husband be willing to take your son out for a meal now and again as a family to keep the communication open?

Would you consider showing your husband this thread and then maybe he will see that we don't all automatically think he is the bad guy and realise it must be difficult but most importantly he might realise the full extent of how much this is tearing you up inside?

again good luck x

Steph998

Idiophreak wrote: »

This is quite a tough one.


Your son should be able to save a fair amount in holidays, so shouldn't need a lot of help, but if he can prove to you that he's not off spending £40 on a night out each week, I don't think it's bad for you to help out.

...

Idiophreak.....nail on the head! When he lived at home, my son did spend a fair amount of time out socialising. My husband thinks that has not changed, and this is probably one of the reasons he doesn't want to help him out financially. I agree...I am not prepared to finance his smoking and drinking, which is why I would rather put the money direct on the meter, or in Asda's till. But actually, now that he is in the flat, he quite likes staying in I think, after all, he has no nagging parents avoid! I mean, he buys a box of beers now and again, but he certainly is not off spending huge amounts in clubs like he used to.

LittleMissAspie

So his income is about £350 a month? I think he is doing pretty well then. My half of our bills (water, gas, elec, groceries, broadband and phone for 2 adults in a 1-bed house) comes to £114 so even if his bills are a little higher than ours, he should have plenty left for socialising and travel.

It will of course be better for him in the long run if you don't give him any money. It looks like he has the right amount to make him budget but not starve. Perhaps a compromise between you and your husband could be to not give him extra income now but to get him something nice when he graduates, a nice holiday or a first car perhaps?

Idiophreak

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

It will of course be better for him in the long run if you don't give him any money.

How's that exactly?

Steph998

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

I don't know if I'm repeating anyone coz not had time to read all your replies but please remember that it is not only step parents who have these kind of fall outs with children. Some 'real' fathers and mothers have battles with youbng people at this age and really wonder if they will ever be able to get along and have years of much conflict. Most times I think things even out and slowly as the child matures the 'parent' mellows and 'forgives' all the conflict and disrespect that has gone before.

I hope this is the case will your husband and son as the fact you love them both shows they BOTH must have some lovely qualities and hopefully this will all come to a nicer conclusion.

Would your husband be willing to take your son out for a meal now and again as a family to keep the communication open?

Would you consider showing your husband this thread and then maybe he will see that we don't all automatically think he is the bad guy and realise it must be difficult but most importantly he might realise the full extent of how much this is tearing you up inside?

again good luck x

Thank you so much!!! I know what you mean...and you know something....I KNOW my hubbie isn't the bad guy....I know I probably just expect too much for my son. I come from a family who give give give...my parents were generous with love AND money, and my husband comes from a typical Scottish grunting family, who never say they love each other, (although they do) and never help each other out...its not actually the money, its the love I wish he would show. I think my husband thought being all strict and Victorian would somehow turn my son into a man. It didn't, it just alienated him. Somewhere along the line, it all went wrong between them and I get so sad. They are both so important to me, I love them both SO much, I see both sides, but I constantly feel like I am the meat in the sandwich. Reading back all this makes me see that although money is an issue in all this, it is probably not what's at the heart of the matter.

xx

Steph998

conradmum wrote: »

The most important thing is that he knows you still love him and will be there for him if he's ever in real need. But you have to tread the fine line between support and mollycoddling. Don't let your unnecessary guilt blind you to the difference.

I have just read this again, and I think the statement above is probably the most insightful remark anyone has ever made to me about my situation. It's actually brought me up short and made me really think about how I have been behaving. Thank you condramum.

homeaway

Being a mum to a stroppy teenage who will turn 18 in Feb i totally understand where you are coming from. My view is this, he is 17 and so not an adult but he has adult responsabilities, it was not entirely his choice to move out. Are you not by law responsible for him until he turns 18 ? If you were a single parent then he would still be at home so.... I would do a shop with him once a month but i would not give him cash as that will be drunk/smoked away. I would offer to help him out with some of the bills. I dont think that you should pamper him but just make his life a little easier. Take care