Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Steph998

Thanks all for your helpful replies.

He only qualifies for the minimum loan....850 per year, as it is means tested, and we earn over the limit.

I should have mentioned, his mate has moved in with him - however, the mate pays rent direct to us for his room, and he and my son split all the bills.

My sons natural father lives and works abroad and does not get in touch.

I think I need to remember what BelfastGirl23 said, and start allowing him to stand on his own two feet and take responsibility for his own life. Maybe its happened a bit earlier than I wanted for him....but he is living rent free in a lovely flat, he seems to be able to continue to smoke and buy beers so he must be managing...even if he is always skint. Maybe I could take him shopping now and again, (food only, no beers or cigs!) and try to buy his uni books. I still top up his phone, so he doesn't do too badly.

I think all my worries are probably a manifestation of my guilt .....that I 'chose' a father he didn't get on with, after being rejected by his natural father, and that he has had to move out at age 17. My husband has done quite a lot for him financially, its just a shame he couldn't do the same with love.

Thanks again

Keeping_Motivated

Awe Steph I've just read this and you sound like a lovely mum. Your son is very lucky to have you. Its sometimes difficult with step parents but you know even when you parents 'stay together' there is always 'something' we find to feel guilty about, its comes with the job description.

The only thing I would say is try not to let your son 'know' you feel guilty as knowing most kids he may try to manipulate the situation. He is now an adult and has a lot of growing still to do but it is HIS and your HUSBANDS responsibility to get on and try and forge a relationship. Don't ALLOW them to put you in the middle, refuse to be put in that position and tell them that they need to sort it between themselves.

I agree with helping him out with the odd tesco voucher or food package, maybe book tokens or order some books for him. For Christmas I would make some of his presents 'useful' ie a winter coat, underwear etc as well as something he wants obviously.

Good luck

Krystaltips

And I wish my parents had let me live rent free at 17... As it was I moved out at 17 into their house and had to pay them £55 a week rent!

Leaving home early didn't damage me, I'm 29 now and bought my own house at 20... I think having an experience of budgeting and bill paying helped me to be responisble and stand on my own two feet!

aliasojo

Steph998 wrote: »

My son didnt WANT to move out... it was a decision made for him.

Ok, this is just a completely personal pov but that's the bit that bothers me about all this.

If your son had wanted to fly the nest, then he should be responsible for his choice and if that means being skint all the time just so he can be independant, then that's the price he has to pay. You can stand back and be comfortable knowing this situation is his choice.

That's not the case though is it? He's now in this position because him and your husband dont get on. Some people just don't...it doesn't make them bad, it just means they are unable to tolerate each other for whatever reason so you need to work out an acceptable solution. Whilst I appreciate you're still technically providing a roof over his head (as you would have done if he were still at home) he is now in the situation of having to pay for things that weren't a consideration before. It's also not HIS fault that you're income means he can only get a small loan.

I do agree that kids do need to learn to stand on their own 2 feet but most kids have some sort of say in the matter in the first place.

I think if it were me, I'd keep an eye on him and hope he learns to budget better, BUT I'd also be prepared to help him out occasionally regardless of my husband tbh. I wouldn't make it a set, regular thing as he might not bother to try too hard himself if he knows he has a safety net to access every month, but I would send a Tesco box or a few quid in the post every now and then.

One last word of advice...........I'm considering just getting a dog in the next life, it seems so much easier than family. Might be worth you thinking about it too? :rotfl:

Oldernotwiser

Steph998 wrote: »

He only qualifies for the minimum loan....850 per year, as it is means tested, and we earn over the limit.

I'm puzzled by this as 75% of the maintenance loan is non means tested; only the other 25% is . Where does this £850 figure come from?

Edit: Just realised that you must be in Scotland; you didn't say.

Oldernotwiser

Having said that; you haven't added the £20 per week that he gets from his loan onto his earnings. £90 per week rent free living is not doing bad for a student! I'm with your husband on this, particularly as your son doesn't seem to be going without the inessentials of life.

Steph998

aliasojo wrote: »

Ok, this is just a completely personal pov but that's the bit that bothers me about all this.

If your son had wanted to fly the nest, then he should be responsible for his choice and if that means being skint all the time just so he can be independant, then that's the price he has to pay. You can stand back and be comfortable knowing this situation is his choice.

That's not the case though is it? He's now in this position because him and your husband dont get on. Some people just don't...it doesn't make them bad, it just means they are unable to tolerate each other for whatever reason so you need to work out an acceptable solution. Whilst I appreciate you're still technically providing a roof over his head (as you would have done if he were still at home) he is now in the situation of having to pay for things that weren't a consideration before. It's also not HIS fault that you're income means he can only get a small loan.

I do agree that kids do need to learn to stand on their own 2 feet but most kids have some sort of say in the matter in the first place.

I think if it were me, I'd keep an eye on him and hope he learns to budget better, BUT I'd also be prepared to help him out occasionally regardless of my husband tbh. I wouldn't make it a set, regular thing as he might not bother to try too hard himself if he knows he has a safety net to access every month, but I would send a Tesco box or a few quid in the post every now and then.

One last word of advice...........I'm considering just getting a dog in the next life, it seems so much easier than family. Might be worth you thinking about it too? :rotfl:

Wow. You totally understand the reason for my post, and put it into words far better than I could. Actually, you seem to understand ME full stop, so thanks. :A

That it in a nutshell. It really was not my sons choice to move out...I dare say, he is OK with it now it has happened, coming in at all hours and having no nagging parents....but I genuinely think he is not mature enough, and probably would be even happier lounging around at home as all teenagers do, without a care in the world but his uni work, getting his washing done, fed etc.

I really do feel so. guilty about how things have turned out. Actually, I am more bothered and worried about him now than I was when he was still living at home with all the rows!

Steph998

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Awe Steph I've just read this and you sound like a lovely mum. Your son is very lucky to have you. Its sometimes difficult with step parents but you know even when you parents 'stay together' there is always 'something' we find to feel guilty about, its comes with the job description.

The only thing I would say is try not to let your son 'know' you feel guilty as knowing most kids he may try to manipulate the situation. He is now an adult and has a lot of growing still to do but it is HIS and your HUSBANDS responsibility to get on and try and forge a relationship. Don't ALLOW them to put you in the middle, refuse to be put in that position and tell them that they need to sort it between themselves.

I agree with helping him out with the odd tesco voucher or food package, maybe book tokens or order some books for him. For Christmas I would make some of his presents 'useful' ie a winter coat, underwear etc as well as something he wants obviously.

Good luck

Thank you. Another post that made me well up.....you are so right about leaving them to it.
x

aliasojo

Steph998 wrote: »

Wow. You totally understand the reason for my post, and put it into words far better than I could. Actually, you seem to understand ME full stop, so thanks.

Thanks Steph. I think there are several similarities between your family and mine that means I do genuinely understand.

Even if your lad is a little 'young' for his age (as mine was right up until he turned 18) try not to fret over him, he will learn and develop more maturity just because he has to. It's Nature's safety net kicking in.

Oldernotwiser

Steph998 wrote: »

probably would be even happier lounging around at home as all teenagers do, without a care in the world but his uni work, getting his washing done, fed etc.

I know that in Scotland, the tradition is more to live at home for university but this never was the case in England, only becoming popular since the finances became tight. I think that most people of this age are goint to be far happier in their own place and your son can do this and live rent free. I'm sure he loves it!