Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Steph998

I would really appreciate any advice on this. Apologies in advance for the length of the post.

My son is 17. I got married for the second time when he was 9. My son and my new hubbie got on great until my son reached about 14, then it was like two bulls in a field going head to head. They are like chalk and cheese, they just do not understand each other. Trouble is, I love them both, of course, and feel like piggy in the middle. Only a mum would understand how difficult this is. Anyway, things got to a point where we all just could not live together in the same house. At one point, after a serious fall out, they had each other by the throat while I flapped around in the background trying to calm things down. So, when my son started university this year, we decided it would be best that he moved into Halls. This proved to be ludicrously expensive - 140 per week - so we decided to buy a flat for him , it worked out much cheaper than paying Halls. We are fortunate enough to be able to buy the flat, which my son now lives in without paying any rent. He works part time in Pizza Hut. This is where I would like some advice.

If all was well, and he was still living at home, as a full time student, I feel my son would be getting everything paid for by us - his home, heating, food, internet etc. Is this what most parents of students do.... . support their kids through further education?

However, my husband comes from a very poor background and worked his way up to be a very financially successful owner of his own business through sheer hard work, and believes quite rightly nothing comes without effort. He is OK with our son not paying rent, but he thinks he should pay everything else from his salary (70 a week) bus fares, electricity, gas, phone, food, internet, uni books, social etc. My son is finding this hard, he has only been in the flat since September, and he totally skint all the time. He is not squandering his money - he simply has nothing left after paying all the bills.

I feel totally confused....if my husband was more tolerant, my son would never have had to leave home in the first place. If my son was better behaved, my husband would be more tolerant. Oh hell, They just can't stand each other, and my marriage would have not survived if he had not moved out. My son didnt WANT to move out... it was a decision made for him. I don't have a job of my own, and I have no money of my own. However, I manage all the household bills, and my husband has nothing to do with how much we spend, and never questions anything.

Should I go behind my husbands back and help my son by putting money on his meter or buying his food?

bringmeshoes

i know when i was at uni i paid for everything myself, some people i knew had their parents pay for rent but they paid for everything else. is there a spare room in the flat that your son could have a friend live with him to help out with bills?

belfastgirl23

I did often see parents sending their kids off/back to uni with 'care packages'. It was understood that students were responsible for all their own bills but when they visited home, parents would send them off with whatever bits and pieces of food they could spare, a bit of home baking etc to keep them going. I wonder would your husband see this as 'money' in the same way as he would if there were DDs going out of your account?

In my view your son is now independent which presumably is partly his choice. By all means give him occasional gifts or help him out from time to time - that's a very kind thing for a parent to do. But also give him the gift of letting him stand on his own two feet as well and don't take responsibility for his bills.

tsstss7

Steph can't your son get student loans as well as work? to be honest I think you and your husband have been more than generous and I doubt he is much worse off than other students at his uni.

jess1974

Is there any way your sons biological dad can contribute to his living expenses?, i can really sympathize with you, i have 2 boys from a previous marriage, and they and my new hubby really lock horns sometimes, and they are only 11 and 10, i think i'm going to be in for a bumpy ride as they get older...

tuggy

I was at uni 2004-2007 and after rent my money left was exactly £70 per week. it was tight but manageable BECAUSE in the uni holidays i worked full time waitressing and saved it all to "bump" up my budget to about £100 a week spead over the weeks of term.

My parents paid for my textbooks because they are horiffically expensive about £40 each. To be honest it sounds like he knows nothing comes for free, as he has a job in pizza hut. if you can afford to give him £30 a week or something then why not? surely we want to make things easy for our kids . The other thing my mum always did was when she dropped me off every term we went via tesco and she did me a massive food shop which lasted me aaages!

mountainofdebt

Perhaps part of the problem is that your husband doesn't have any dealings with the household bills so he doesn't appreaciate how expensive day-to-day life is.

(My OH thought I was being tight with the weekly shop until he came shopping with me and saw for himself how expensive things had become.)

You have to be very careful in helping your son as your husband view it that you have gone behind his back and if they really don't get on your son, may use it to throw in your husband's face. Perhaps you could go shopping with your son and slip a few things into his bags ? A trick my aunty used to use with my mum, when she was hard up, was to say that she'd bought too much of something and gave it to my mum instead of wasting it.

clairec79

Rather than giving your son money behind your husbands back why don't you just take him food shopping occasionally, get him to do a big shop and you pay (for some unknown reason I see that as different)

Is the flat big enough for him to have a lodger? If he had a fellow student living with him they'd still be exempt from councl tax but maybe he could keep the rent to top up his income?

Still think you are doing more than most though

fanny

when i was at uni i paid for everything including my rent, i had a part time job and a student loan which helped. as other have said my mum would take me shopping for food when she came to visit and would help me out occassionally but ultimately it was my problem.

girleight@

I'm also wondering why he doesn't have a loan. I don't think £70 a week is much with bills to pay. It seems a shame for him to struggle if he doesn't have to. His work will suffer if he is worrying about money and then your investment in him will be wasted. I think you should help him out if you can.

Soot2006

Instead of "topping up" his meter & food, could you give him an allowance. E.g. £40/week in addition to the £70/week he earns = £110/week, which is entirely sufficient to cover living expenses. That way he will learn to manage his finances without having his hand held.

And he should def be entitled to a student loan!