Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

annie_d

i am in a very similar position to the original poster with my daughter. Sometimes i go behind my husbands back to help my daughter out though i know my husband knows. It's just an "unspoken". Boxes of food, bumper packs of toilet roll, tins of soup, washing powder, cereal, binbags etc etc. All these thingts make their way to her flat and will do for as long as she needs my (our) help.

Keeping_Motivated

Steph998 wrote: »

How can you tell someone who has done what he thinks best for all concerned that it still isn't enough? That it isn't about the money...it's about his lack of 'love'?

Maybe he does love him? Maybe he just doesn't 'like' him so much through these teenage years? Have you asked him how he feels about him?

poet123

To be honest, I doubt that any man,be they step father or birth father understands that bond,and the nature of man is that deep down there will be some juggling for top dog position with you. That is in no way to denigrate a mans role as a father,they do have a bond but it is not the same.

I thanked the suggestion to show your husband this thread,but on relection I think it may do more harm than good,especially if you have not been as open with him on the subject, as you have on here. I would let your feelings show over the weekend when he will have time to notice,and then let him draw out what the problem is. If I have read him right from your posts, I think the best approach would be one which allows him to believe he can solve your problems,and he can,he just needs to realise it.

It is easy to let days slip by without acknowledging problems,masking them and carrying on with life,we are all so busy. Let the mask slip,let him see how desperately unhappy you are,emphasize it is the situation,not him that is making you feel this way. if you let him see your despair(and we can see it clearly here,and empathise, because most of us are mothers who can put ourselves where you are) I would bet he will move mountains to try to make you happier......he will if he is the man you describe.

Good luck.

nearlyrich

Some step parents have unreasonable expectations, some step children think of their step parent as an ogre, guess what it's just the same in "blood" families.

My DH has been a fantastic SD to my two, sometimes he has had an uphill struggle especially with my DS. DS went off to uni for 3 years and after half a term he said he could see where DH was coming from re leaving lights on, using hot water without the plug in the sink etc, it changes your view when you are paying the bill.

They still have the odd bout of exasperation with each other but they are OK and DS moved back in after uni so it can't be that bad here. I suppose the main difference is I work and it was my money that supported them at uni, they didn't ask for more than we had agreed and they are both pretty good with money.

Hope you get sorted.

Smashing

You don't have to be handing over money to help your son. Your experience and skills could be invaluable to him - has he any knowledge of budgeting? Does he have a repatoire of chea, quick and healthy meals he can make instead of relying on takeaways?
Is he getting the best deals on his utilities?
Is he savvy regarding essentials and luxuries? Students are supposed to be skint and have to make choices about what is important to them.

If you are going to help him financially then you need to stike a balance so things aren't taken for granted. Small, regular contributions are easier to budget with rather than the odd lump sum when you get a frantic phone call.
Providing the odd 'care package' can free up vital funds for other essentials.

I would be wary of doing things being OH's back - doing so is likely to make you even more of a piggy-in-the-middle trying to keep the peace. and is likely to cause resentment should the truth come out.

MrsE_2

Steph998 wrote: »

Thank you condramum, for taking the time for that - yet more words of wisdom.

I really am taking all this on board, so thanks everyone.

xx

Don't be too hard on yourself because its a step dad.

This male clash between father & son can happen whether the dad is birth or step.

However if you can afford to help out, then I don't think its any harm.

Newly_retired

There are a whole load of issues here. Most kids value their independence when they are at uni and are in fact quite glad to live away from home. It is the norm in England. Your son may by now actually be grateful that he was forced to move out, though may not admit it. You should not feel guilty that it happened the way it did. As others have said, the fact that your DH is a step parent might not have made any difference.
If it helps, my step daughter chose never to come home in the holidays once she went to uni. I did not make her leave. We have rarely spoken since, though we are perfectly civil when we do. She has maintained a close relationship with her dad, however. He has supported her financially in various ways, I know, though only when she was stuck, not on a regular basis.
Have you ever thought about getting a little job yourself? Not only would it give you your own money, so you need not be giving your son any of your DH's money, but it might also help you become more independent and find a new aspect to your own life, now that your son is no longer at home. Just a thought.
I agree with those who have said it will be good for hime to stand on his own feet.

CelticStar

I think there are a few issues in this thread that stop me from saying that you should just let things be and not offer an further financial support.The thing that most troubles me is that your son wasn't ready to leave home and yet he had to. I know that there are all sorts of extenuating circumstances (teenagers are no angels) but it is a hard fact for a child - he isn't an adult yet - to come to terms with. Not only this but he is now much worse off financially than he would have been living at home. A lot of people on this thread have more or less said "hard cheese" and that he should grow up and stand on his own two feet etc. But the truth is that his situation is a lot worse because his lack of student loan is based on your income assessment - this is really unfair on him. I know that your son is living rent free in a house you and your husband bought but that house is an asset/investment so you aren't exactly losing out there. As you and your husband are obviously quite well off I think that you should make up this difference as a loan - on the same terms that a student loan would be granted, which means that he must realise that it is a loan and not a grant. A long term loan is a reasonable compromise. It can be interest-free until he is earning above a certain threshold, and then it can have interest added at the same rate that would be added for a Government loan.

Your son has already been rejected by his natural father - a hard thing for anyone to come to terms with - and it seems to me that he hasn't done anything really bad and has actually achieved quite a lot in his life.

I feel for you because I'm sure it has been very difficult but I do feel sorry for your son as well. I think you will have to work very had to keep a close relationship with him as he may feel that he has been rejected again in some was. Hopefully, in time, he will mature and your husband will mellow and they will grow to like, respect and even really love one again. Many teenagers rebel against their parents and then return to the fold once they have spread their wings a little.

Good luck to all of you.

SandC

poet123 wrote: »

I think that I would be having a full and frank discussion with my husband, about the fact that marriage to you came as a package deal, and with it came your son,and responsibilities to him both financial, and otherwise.

I personally would not go down this route. He took the family on as a package way back when and things were fine. They have just been clashing throughout the son's teenage years. If I were the step parent and was sat down many years after having married into the family unit and given that speech it would probably upset me greatly. Nobody wants to be seen as the one being 'sided' with, stepfather or son.

I think if there is any more talking to be done it's probably best to go down the route of how things are so much different now, how you can't go out and get a good apprenticeship at 15 and even an employed 17 year old would struggle if they left home. Again I say emphasise that he is and has worked for his spare cash and bills money.

As for the son, he didn't intend on leaving the family home so the financial situation wasn't his doing, however, you could emphasise to him how lucky he is to be out there on his own with his own place, choosing whoever he wants to live with him instead of having to put up with whoever might be placed with him in halls. Reiterate how grateful you are to your husband for finding this way out of the sticky situation but explain how things are still tough but you will actively encourage him to take as many hours on as possible when it's not term time.

I really do think this situation will resolve itself in the coming years, I'm just sorry you are right in the middle of it. Try not to let it become a 'step parent' issue and look on it as the same trials and tribulations that another family might have.

Steph998

Newly_retired wrote: »

T
Have you ever thought about getting a little job yourself? Not only would it give you your own money, so you need not be giving your son any of your DH's money, but it might also help you become more independent and find a new aspect to your own life, now that your son is no longer at home. Just a thought.
I agree with those who have said it will be good for hime to stand on his own feet.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. You all make such sense!

I have been thinking about getting a part time job. I do sort of work a bit...(we have our own business, so I run the website... I also do a voluntary job once a week.) I don't get paid as such...OH takes care of all our income through his accountant. However, it is only really now I realise how much I gave up any financial independence when I met OH. I worked for British Airways for twenty years as a hostess, and did my nursing training before that. I stopped working for BA when I met OH ..simply because I was burned out flying long haul, my Mum took care of my son when I was flying, and it was lovely to be able to be a stay at home mum with no worries!! Not having any money of my 'own' has never been a problem until now...I feel if I earned it, I could more easily help Dan out with it.
x