Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Keeping_Motivated

Steph the end of your last post made me well up, I'm glad he said those things about you and your husband so it confirmed you have done a good job with him.

I would do the same helping my son out too, just make sure you keep a balance and let him know the more he helps himself the more you will help him so he realises if he is not doing his part you will stop doing your yours, hope that makes sense. Just keep a balance as from what I have read you have nothing to feel guilty about.

As for the drink driving I am sure he has learnt his lesson but if it comes up again I would be tempted to print out a few stories of tragedies that have happened so he can see how lucky he was not to kill someone. For instance the footballer who recently drove will drunk and killed both children of a family and has crippled the father. I'm sure he has learnt his lesson though.

Did you tell your husband what he said about loving him etc?

Steph998

conradmum wrote: »

Steph, I know you're a good person but really! If one of my children had done this I would be beyond livid, not making excuses for them! He could have killed someone.

Didn't you say before he'd written off one car, then, when he was drunk, took your family car without your permission and crashed that too? This doesn't count as a one-off, out of the blue incident to me. I think you need to get a reality check on his behaviour. How would you feel explaining to the parents of someone he'd killed that it was all because he'd inherited your addictive genes? Stop taking the blame and making excuses for him.




Tbh you sound like any daughter-in-law's nightmare here. Why are you doing his washing and cleaning for him? Is he mentally or physically disabled? It's fine for you to assuage your needless guilt by acting like his unpaid servant, but he'll come to expect this of his future partner and this will cause problems in his relationships.

It's clear you love your son very much, but it would be kinder long term to actually let him grow up and stop treating him like a little boy. No one else will pander to him like you do and it's unfair of you to set up his expectations like this. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let people stand on their own two feet.

Well, I appreciate your input. Maybe I didn't explain myself very well....but I am not soft on Dan you know. I do see him for the person he is, and I don't go around making excuses for him, or patting him on the head and saying what a silly billy he has been. I WAS absolutely livid when it happened, but if I had stayed livid, I would have burst a blood vessel. It happened back in May. Dan was under no illusions as to our complete and utter revulsion and horror at what he did; the event changed the dynamics of our family relationship for the worst, and he has ended up moving out. We will never let him forget what he did - especially if he ever drives again - but time moves on and so does the sack cloth and ashes treatment.

And, I am not 'doing his washing and cleaning'. I go round on a Saturday to collect his friends rent, and its a nice excuse to see my son, and make sure he is ok. He never did his all own washing and cooking at home - are there any 17 year old boys who do? So I have been showing him how to sort out his washing - whites etc, and having a look in the fridge to I can advise him on recipes and things.

shirlgirl2004

I think i would have been the same if my son had been close enough. Unfortunately being a 4 hour drive away meant I had to keep my fingers crossed. He managed fine and your son will too regardless of if you check on him but I'm not knocking you I know I'd be the same. You never stop being a mother.

Keeping_Motivated

Steph from what you write I think you are doing a great job. I hope your husband softens in time and things improve in that area.

This parenting stuff is the toughest job at times and I think he does know and will know in the future even more that you have both been great parents.

Steph998

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Steph the end of your last post made me well up, I'm glad he said those things about you and your husband so it confirmed you have done a good job with him.

I would do the same helping my son out too, just make sure you keep a balance and let him know the more he helps himself the more you will help him so he realises if he is not doing his part you will stop doing your yours, hope that makes sense. Just keep a balance as from what I have read you have nothing to feel guilty about.

As for the drink driving I am sure he has learnt his lesson but if it comes up again I would be tempted to print out a few stories of tragedies that have happened so he can see how lucky he was not to kill someone. For instance the footballer who recently drove will drunk and killed both children of a family and has crippled the father. I'm sure he has learnt his lesson though.

Did you tell your husband what he said about loving him etc?

Yes Motivated.......I did. OH and I have actually been speaking about things a lot more since I started this discussion on MSE. I think he just finds it difficult to talk about or admit any feelings for Dan. I mean, it has become the norm now, for him to be a 'crusty' old Dad, and he gets quite uncomfortable when there are any huggy moments or emotion. We are just poles apart when it comes to how to continue to 'parent' our son now he has moved out. He is still totally against helping Dan any more, financially, which was the whole reason I asked the question here...i.e. should a 17 year old have to support themselves and their studies from a part time wage....or should I help him out.

Keeping_Motivated

Steph have you read any of the posts on the Student Board about how much parents contribute? If you do a search you will find them. It might even be worth starting a thread on the Student Board asking how much parents contribute for their 17 year olds.

My DS will be going to Uni next year and he will have to get the loans for his study, get a part time job for his living expenses and we will pay for his rent (he will live in halls) which is apparently around £50 per week ish. I will also send him vouchers for food now and again or order a food shop online to be deleivered to his with some staple supplies and maybe toiletries now and again. We cannot really afford to help him much more than that but also I do think even if I did have more 'spare' to give him I would hold back and let him learn for himself how to handle money and I would put money away in an account for his 21st instead. I know that people gain confidence and grow from achieving things on their own too so there is alot to be said for allowing them to struggle 'a little'.

Good luck

Steph998

shirlgirl2004 wrote: »

You never stop being a mother.

No, I don't think you do, and this is maybe my problem.

For my OH, 'out of sight is out of mind'. For me, his Mum, 'out of sight' just means something to worry about! Lol.

Oldernotwiser

conradmum wrote: »

Steph, I know you're a good person but really! If one of my children had done this I would be beyond livid, not making excuses for them! He could have killed someone.

Didn't you say before he'd written off one car, then, when he was drunk, took your family car without your permission and crashed that too? This doesn't count as a one-off, out of the blue incident to me. I think you need to get a reality check on his behaviour. How would you feel explaining to the parents of someone he'd killed that it was all because he'd inherited your addictive genes? Stop taking the blame and making excuses for him.




Tbh you sound like any daughter-in-law's nightmare here. Why are you doing his washing and cleaning for him? Is he mentally or physically disabled? It's fine for you to assuage your needless guilt by acting like his unpaid servant, but he'll come to expect this of his future partner and this will cause problems in his relationships.

It's clear you love your son very much, but it would be kinder long term to actually let him grow up and stop treating him like a little boy. No one else will pander to him like you do and it's unfair of you to set up his expectations like this. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let people stand on their own two feet.

What a brilliant post!:T :T :T :T :T :T :T

Steph998

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Steph have you read any of the posts on the Student Board about how much parents contribute? If you do a search you will find them. It might even be worth starting a thread on the Student Board asking how much parents contribute for their 17 year olds.

My DS will be going to Uni next year and he will have to get the loans for his study, get a part time job for his living expenses and we will pay for his rent (he will live in halls) which is apparently around £50 per week ish. I will also send him vouchers for food now and again or order a food shop online to be deleivered to his with some staple supplies and maybe toiletries now and again. We cannot really afford to help him much more than that but also I do think even if I did have more 'spare' to give him I would hold back and let him learn for himself how to handle money and I would put money away in an account for his 21st instead. I know that people gain confidence and grow from achieving things on their own too so there is alot to be said for allowing them to struggle 'a little'.

Good luck

I didn't know there was a Student Board....gosh....should I maybe have posted this thread there in the first place!! (Glad I didn't, I would have missed all this great advice) Will go and have a look. You sound so sensible. Glad his Halls are not too expensive rent wise....where we in Scotland, they are ridiculously priced.

I think it really IS time for me to harden up a bit. This thread has made me really look at myself - good and bad - and I think I should probably take yours and Condramums advice and step back a little.

You are right. It won't be bad for him to struggle.

shirlgirl2004

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

What a brilliant post!:T :T :T :T :T :T :T

Do you think so? Which bit?

My OH's mum did everything for him when he was at home but now he irons his own shirts, does washing, cooks and is at Tesco as I type. What a mother does has little bearing on what a man will do for his partner.

Or do you expect OP to still be angry at boiling point with her son 6 months after the event? Poor woman would be in hospital by now!