Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

poet123

I think that any father,be they step or birth, would have been livid in the circumstances you describe. putting some time and distance between at the moment is probably the best way forward. I also think that given the circumstances your son will know deep down that he is not being harshly treated by your husband,and that he needs to earn the trust back. This would be the same in any family,and I am sure many of his friends will have pointed this out.

However, this does not resolve the monetary issue,of your income being counted but you not actually contributing. So in my discussion I would emphasise that the money issue is not about giving him more,or backing his unacceptable behaviour, just giving him some of his "entitlement"(if you want to call it that). It is a horrible situation and I do feel for you.

CelticStar

Steph998

Thank you for your post describing what happened with Dan and the car, that has helped to clarify the situation a little. Did Dan ever give a reason why he behaved in the way he did? Does he have a history of difficult or anti-social behaviour or was this the first time he did something like this? I only ask because it was quite a reckless and rebellious thing to do and if it was me I would be concerned that there was something that caused him to do this - don't get me wrong, it wouldn't make me be any less irate that he did something so stupid, but I would want to know why.

If I were you I would have a talk to Dan about his natural father and how he feels about him. I do have some experience in this area and it is completely natural for a child to appear perfectly uninterested in and unmoved by an absent parent (and they sometimes really are) but often there is a lot bubbling beneath the surface that seems to explode in mid to late teens when problems of identity surface. It's possible he is struggling with things a bit and this behaviour could be as a result of him 'testing' the commitment/love of both you and his stepfather. If this is the case then his removal from the home could be quite damaging to him psychologically if it isn't dealt with carefully.

Please don't get me wrong though, what he did was very wrong and ungrateful and I understand why both you and your husband were furious. Hopefully, the results of what happened (the court case etc) will have frightened him sufficiently not to do something so stupid again but just as he needs to win back your trust, both you and his stepfather need to show that he is loved and not rejected.

Oldernotwiser

I think that if your son's had a brand new car bought for him and also a student flat, I can quite agree with the stepfather that he's been given enough! Why not let your son prove to his stepfather that he realises his mistakes by managing for himself for this year and showing that he has grown and learnt from his previous errors?

To the poster who mentioned how money is tight, it might be worth mentioning that the OP has already said that her son has enough money to smoke and drink, which doesn't sound to me as if he's going without much!

liney

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think that if your son's had a brand new car bought for him and also a student flat, I can quite agree with the stepfather that he's been given enough! Why not let your son prove to his stepfather that he realises his mistakes by managing for himself for this year and showing that he has grown and learnt from his previous errors?

To the poster who mentioned how money is tight, it might be worth mentioning that the OP has already said that her son has enough money to smoke and drink, which doesn't sound to me as if he's going without much!

Pensioners also pay their rent/mortgage out of their £120 per week - this young man doesn't.

How about a statement of affairs? How much is he spending on what exactly each week? Perhaps he could be helped to cut down.

aliasojo

Steph, I've pm'd you. In case you're not sure what that is since you're new, click on 'private messages' at the top of the page.

Sorry if I'm telling you something you already know.

shirlgirl2004

My son went to uni in Liverpool and we paid his £75 a week rent which included utilities but there was no washing machine, we also gave him £30 a week for food, launderette etc. He paid his tuition fees with a student loan. He managed fine without working. Just for interest I don't work either (I have young children too) and my OH is not my son's father. I think it's quite common for mothers to want to do more for their children than fathers. Fathers think independence and mothers think molly coddle:o

Steph998

Thanks to all who have replied. I have not checked the site for a day or two...thought you all would be bored with this thread by now. Thank you for caring.. It REALLY means a lot. I know that comes across as trite - in this medium - but I really mean it.

Can I just add, what Dan did with the car was a total one off. Yes, he did explain why he did it. He simply was pi**ssed, and had it in his head he wanted to buy fags. It was a split second, stupid decision fulled by alcohol, and exitement at his new driver status. He has never exhibited such stupid behaviour before. Having said that, I have to admit, I have driven a car drunk - only in my youth I hasten to add - alcohol always gave me the confidence I lacked in sober life, and I reckon Dan has inherited my addictive genes. I am not excusing his behaviour. His father was similar, so perhaps he has a double dose of the idiot gene.

Can I just say that for all that I probably come across as a bit ....daft...? (for want of a better word?) I adore my son, and am very concerned for his well being. I hate the thought of him being so independent at such an early age. I regularly go round to the flat, help him with his washing, make sure he is eating... clean.... happy. I ask him if he has any worries or concerns, and he knows he can speak to me about anything - which he often does. I really think if he had any problems he would talk to me about them. (When he was little, we played a 'put your worries in a box so they go away' game. I always worried how having no father would affect him. So we pretended worries were little monsters, and he would draw them, (always one eyed) and then put them in a box. He drew them with a bubble over their head saying what 'worry' monster they were. There was nothing significant. it was always the 'I worry I will always be small ' monster' (he is now 6'2",) or the ' I worry Santa won't come this year' monster'. (He always did. )

After the discussions on MSE, I actually raised the subject of his father the last time I saw him, and he was totally non plussed. He states he loves his Dad...simply because he is his biological father - even if he has never met him. He knows who his 'real' Dad is, (my OH - despite the rows) ) and he is quite happy with the Dad he has (my OH! despite the rows....) I even mentioned deep seated problems regarding rejection, and he just put his arms round me and said 'Mum, you're a great Mum, and Dad is a great Dad. Chill. '

He is actually probably more sane and well adjusted than me!

Steph998

aliasojo wrote: »

Steph, I've pm'd you. In case you're not sure what that is since you're new, click on 'private messages' at the top of the page.

Sorry if I'm telling you something you already know.

Thanks. I've now PM'd you back!

CelticStar

Steph998 wrote: »

Thanks to all who have replied. I have not checked the site for a day or two...thought you all would be bored with this thread by now. Thank you for caring.. It REALLY means a lot. I know that comes across as trite - in this medium - but I really mean it.

Can I just add, what Dan did with the car was a total one off. Yes, he did explain why he did it. He simply was pi**ssed, and had it in his head he wanted to buy fags. It was a split second, stupid decision fulled by alcohol, and exitement at his new driver status. He has never exhibited such stupid behaviour before. Having said that, I have to admit, I have driven a car drunk - only in my youth I hasten to add - alcohol always gave me the confidence I lacked in sober life, and I reckon Dan has inherited my addictive genes. I am not excusing his behaviour. His father was similar, so perhaps he has a double dose of the idiot gene.

Can I just say that for all that I probably come across as a bit ....daft...? (for want of a better word?) I adore my son, and am very concerned for his well being. I hate the thought of him being so independent at such an early age. I regularly go round to the flat, help him with his washing, make sure he is eating... clean.... happy. I ask him if he has any worries or concerns, and he knows he can speak to me about anything - which he often does. I really think if he had any problems he would talk to me about them. (When he was little, we played a 'put your worries in a box so they go away' game. I always worried how having no father would affect him. So we pretended worries were little monsters, and he would draw them, (always one eyed) and then put them in a box. He drew them with a bubble over their head saying what 'worry' monster they were. There was nothing significant. it was always the 'I worry I will always be small ' monster' (he is now 6'2",) or the ' I worry Santa won't come this year' monster'. (He always did. )

After the discussions on MSE, I actually raised the subject of his father the last time I saw him, and he was totally non plussed. He states he loves his Dad...simply because he is his biological father - even if he has never met him. He knows who his 'real' Dad is, (my OH - despite the rows) ) and he is quite happy with the Dad he has (my OH! despite the rows....) I even mentioned deep seated problems regarding rejection, and he just put his arms round me and said 'Mum, you're a great Mum, and Dad is a great Dad. Chill. '

He is actually probably more sane and well adjusted than me!

That's interesting to read Steff, thanks, sometimes it is difficult to advise when you aren't sure of the full story. It's great that he feels the way he does about you and your OH - but it was worth asking about it because it can be a problem with some teenagers. With any luck, as I said in a previous post, he will go on to earn back the trust of yourself and your husband and your husband will mellow once everything that happened with the car has blown over a bit.

In light of what you have written I think I might agree a bit more with previous posters - he has it pretty good on the whole and you are probably worrying a bit too much. I would still think about a 'top-up' loan provided by you and your OH if he is really struggling - he isn't responsible for your financial situation after all and it has affected his own financial circumstances.

Good luck to you all, I hope it all works out.

conradmum

Steph998 wrote: »

Can I just add, what Dan did with the car was a total one off. Yes, he did explain why he did it. He simply was pi**ssed, and had it in his head he wanted to buy fags. It was a split second, stupid decision fulled by alcohol, and exitement at his new driver status. He has never exhibited such stupid behaviour before. Having said that, I have to admit, I have driven a car drunk - only in my youth I hasten to add - alcohol always gave me the confidence I lacked in sober life, and I reckon Dan has inherited my addictive genes. I am not excusing his behaviour. His father was similar, so perhaps he has a double dose of the idiot gene.

Steph, I know you're a good person but really! If one of my children had done this I would be beyond livid, not making excuses for them! He could have killed someone.

Didn't you say before he'd written off one car, then, when he was drunk, took your family car without your permission and crashed that too? This doesn't count as a one-off, out of the blue incident to me. I think you need to get a reality check on his behaviour. How would you feel explaining to the parents of someone he'd killed that it was all because he'd inherited your addictive genes? Stop taking the blame and making excuses for him.

Steph998 wrote: »

Can I just say that for all that I probably come across as a bit ....daft...? (for want of a better word?) I adore my son, and am very concerned for his well being. I hate the thought of him being so independent at such an early age. I regularly go round to the flat, help him with his washing, make sure he is eating... clean.... happy. I ask him if he has any worries or concerns, and he knows he can speak to me about anything - which he often does. I really think if he had any problems he would talk to me about them. (When he was little, we played a 'put your worries in a box so they go away' game. I always worried how having no father would affect him. So we pretended worries were little monsters, and he would draw them, (always one eyed) and then put them in a box. He drew them with a bubble over their head saying what 'worry' monster they were. There was nothing significant. it was always the 'I worry I will always be small ' monster' (he is now 6'2",) or the ' I worry Santa won't come this year' monster'. (He always did. )

Tbh you sound like any daughter-in-law's nightmare here. Why are you doing his washing and cleaning for him? Is he mentally or physically disabled? It's fine for you to assuage your needless guilt by acting like his unpaid servant, but he'll come to expect this of his future partner and this will cause problems in his relationships.

It's clear you love your son very much, but it would be kinder long term to actually let him grow up and stop treating him like a little boy. No one else will pander to him like you do and it's unfair of you to set up his expectations like this. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let people stand on their own two feet.