Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Oldernotwiser

Steph998 wrote: »

He is still totally against helping Dan financially, which was the whole reason I asked the question here...i.e. should a 17 year old have to support themselves and their studies from a part time wage....or should I help him out.

But you ARE supporting him financially by enabling him to live rent free; perhaps it doesn't seem like this to you because no money is actually changing hands? You also keep forgetting that he receives £850 pa as his student loan. Spread across the academic year rather than the calendar year this is over £20 per week, giving him an income of over £90 per week. This is FAR more cash than many students have to live on after paying rent.

Oldernotwiser

Steph998 wrote: »

For my OH, 'out of sight is out of mind'. For me, his Mum, 'out of sight' just means something to worry about! Lol.

It just seems to me that you're worrying about the wrong things. I'd bother less about his food and cleaning and worry more about his driving and drink problems. The fact that he got off so easily from the terrible things he did is already sending him a really bad message; I really hope that you didn't contribute to such a lenient sentence.

shirlgirl2004

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But you ARE supporting him financially by enabling him to live rent free; perhaps it doesn't seem like this to you because no money is actually changing hands? You also keep forgetting that he receives £850 pa as his student loan. Spread across the academic year rather than the calendar year this is over £20 per week, giving him an income of over £90 per week. This is FAR more cash than many students have to live on after paying rent.

Why would you spread his loan over the academic year? He isn't living at home in the holidays, he needs to feed himself etc 52.14 weeks of the year.

liney

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But you ARE supporting him financially by enabling him to live rent free; perhaps it doesn't seem like this to you because no money is actually changing hands? You also keep forgetting that he receives £850 pa as his student loan. Spread across the academic year rather than the calendar year this is over £20 per week, giving him an income of over £90 per week. This is FAR more cash than many students have to live on after paying rent.

Rent 0
Council Tax 0 (full student occupancy)
Electric/Gas £10 pw ( mine is £60 permonth for a 3 bed house so this is an over-estimate)
Water <£5.00 pw
Contents insurance £2.50pw
Food <£20 pw
Clothes £5.00 pw

That's £42.50 per week - he has at least £70 per week plus his loan, plus the extra work he should be doing in holidays to subsidise his term time income. He's not got a bad deal even when deducting additional travel costs. Plus he's not got a dodgy landlord who won't fix the heating/hole in ceiling/lock on the front door etc etc.

shirlgirl2004

liney wrote: »

Rent 0
Council Tax 0 (full student occupancy)
Electric/Gas £10 pw ( mine is £60 permonth for a 3 bed house so this is an over-estimate)
Water <£5.00 pw
Contents insurance £2.50pw
Food <£20 pw
Clothes £5.00 pw

That's £42.50 per week - he has at least £70 per week plus his loan, plus the extra work he should be doing in holidays to subsidise his term time income. He's not got a bad deal even when deducting additional travel costs. Plus he's not got a dodgy landlord who won't fix the heating/hole in ceiling/lock on the front door etc etc.

But you don't have everything on there. TV license? Transport (is he still driving)? Books? and there are probably other things too.

Keeping_Motivated

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

It just seems to me that you're worrying about the wrong things. I'd bother less about his food and cleaning and worry more about his driving and drink problems. The fact that he got off so easily from the terrible things he did is already sending him a really bad message; I really hope that you didn't contribute to such a lenient sentence.

I think that is harsh. The Op has already said that the driving incident is the reason her son has been made to move out so I wouldn't say they where lenient I would say they were fair and also she has said she was absolutley fuming and made it quite clear but beyond that what more do you expect her to do to him? It is 6 mths later and she is trying to help him move on is that not right?

zzzLazyDaisy

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Spread across the academic year rather than the calendar year this is over £20 per week, giving him an income of over £90 per week. This is FAR more cash than many students have to live on after paying rent.

It is also more cash than many adult disabled people have to live on after their rent has been taken care of - and they don't have the opportunity to work through the long vacations to boost their bank balance for the rest of the year.

OP your son isn't well off, no. But he isn't badly off either. Yes, I agree that if I were in your shoes, I would do an on-line grocery shop now and again to help him out, and I'd probably slip him a few quid at the end of term when the money starts to run out. But I wouldn't worry so much about it - he is young but with your love and support, he will learn to stand on his own two feet.

The important thing is that he doesn't equate 'being kicked out of the family home' to 'being abandoned and rejected by his mum and dad'. That is why I feel that your love and support is more important than the financial aspect.

Also, I suggest that your OH needs to know that although you supported him when he asked your son to leave, that doesn't mean that you agree with all his views about your son, and it doesn't mean that you have stopped being his mum. So just as you respected his views and suppoerted him, even though you didn't totally agree with him, so you expect to have his support too. I do wonder if there might have been a bit of jealousy/wanting to have you to himself, on the part of your OH?

(Just to put this in context, my ex made my son leave home at 17, so I do know what it feels like).

liney

shirlgirl2004 wrote: »

But you don't have everything on there. TV license? Transport (is he still driving)? Books? and there are probably other things too.

TV License - 11 per month/2 people so lets say £1.20 per week each - The gas and electric is well over-estimated, but add £1.20 a week on if you like.

I bloody well hope hes not driving as he's banned! I was assuming that he had spend his £850 on useful things like books, and which is why i used the £70 per week plus loan, and mentioned transport costs.

Anything else missing? The little soldier isn't going to starve. I know he's only 17, but so was i when i moved out. Necessity is the mother of invention, and all that.

EDIT
I just wanted to add that as a mother, i think i might delivering the odd 'left over' casserole, but you really need to leave him alone to get on with it financially.

You see him each week, you can see how he's getting on, and will know if you genuinely need to step in. If you start handing over cash on a regular basis now, he will not budget properly and rely on this. If you don't he will have a nice little extra every so often for a treat.

Steph998

liney wrote: »

Rent 0
Council Tax 0 (full student occupancy)
Electric/Gas £10 pw ( mine is £60 permonth for a 3 bed house so this is an over-estimate)
Water <£5.00 pw
Contents insurance £2.50pw
Food <£20 pw
Clothes £5.00 pw

That's £42.50 per week - he has at least £70 per week plus his loan, plus the extra work he should be doing in holidays to subsidise his term time income. He's not got a bad deal even when deducting additional travel costs. Plus he's not got a dodgy landlord who won't fix the heating/hole in ceiling/lock on the front door etc etc.

Actually, there is another post in the Utilities board which I put up about his Electricity usage ages ago. They were using twenty pounds per week for electricity alone. We think it was the storage heaters being so gutsy, so they have switched them off and are now using the gas fire which is also metered. Since switching off, electricity has gone down to 14 per week. Gas used about three pounds per week when they had it on occasionally, it will probably go up now for winter and without the storage heaters..

He hasn't bought clothes since he moved in, and needs new shoes soon. I know the following are non essentials....but he also has to pay for his tv licence, phone rental, broadband, contact lenses, bus fares, chemical engineering books etc. Not to mention his social life!

shirlgirl2004

liney wrote: »

TV License - 11 per month/2 people so lets say £1.20 per week each - The gas and electric is well over-estimated, but add £1.20 a week on if you like.

I bloody well hope hes not driving as he's banned! I was assuming that he had spend his £850 on useful things like books, and which is why i used the £70 per week plus loan, and mentioned transport costs.
.

I think you'll find the £850 was the loan. He can't spend it twice

As we all know it's the little "extras" that add up. A couple of pounds here and another couple there and before you know it there's nothing left. If transport is as expensive as it is here then I hope he's bought a bike because our buses are £2.50 a day! Mind you my sons spends a fortune on puncture repair kits and new inner tubes so I'm not sure how MSE it really is :rolleyes: