Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

shirlgirl2004

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Like all students, he's available to work full time in the holidays. The grant/loan isn't intended to cover the summer vacation.

I know it's not "intended" to cover the holidays but it wouldn't be a wise person that spent it all and had nothing left to use in the summer months. Yes he "should" be able to get a job or more hours but who knows what could happen by next summer. He could break his collar bone like my son and have 3 or more weeks where he can't work. I think we've already ascertained that really the loan is need for books etc anyway.

Oldernotwiser

shirlgirl2004 wrote: »

Do you think so? Which bit?

All of it, but particularly the bit about going round twice a week to do his washing and cleaning!

shirlgirl2004

OP has already said she doesn't do it rather helps by giving advice on it. How to use a washing machine isn't always obvious although when you're used to using them it may seem like it.

Ms_Chocaholic

I don't wnat to be shot down in flames over this but, after reading the first page of the thread, I wondered why Dan could not keep the mate's rent money if your hubbie is happy to pay for your son to have a roof over his head.

Oldernotwiser

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

I don't wnat to be shot down in flames over this but, after reading the first page of the thread, I wondered why Dan could not keep the mate's rent money if your hubbie is happy to pay for your son to have a roof over his head.

Or you could just go ahead and give him the flat if you want to be really OTT!

poet123

I wonder if some of the posters who are villifying Steph for still worrying about her son either have no children or have children who are much younger?
Nothing can excuse his behaviour,and I dont think steph has tried to do that. It was that behaviour that made them find him alternative accomodation,a clear sign that his actions were abhorrent to them. He then had the courts to face,it was quite a lenient sentence,but not unusually so. What more punishment could either the courts or the family have imposed?

it is still not the norm for 17 year olds to live away from home,and if they were at home most would be enjoying a comfortable life with washing,cooking etc done for them. I know mine were.....and yet they were quite capable of doing those things as and when they moved away to Uni.

It is the nature of motherhood to want to help out your kids whatever their ages. Tbh I think that those who don't agree with this probably have the struggles of their own adolescence informing their opinion. I had great supportive parents, who, until their deaths when I was in my 30's would have, and did, drop everything at a moments notice and to help me out.

Contrary to some opinions voiced here, this has not left either me or my brother dependent,or needy,but secure in the knowledge that we always had back up from family. We have both created families which replicate what we had as children,and now that our parents are no longer around we are there for each other, and for each others children too.

I intend to always be that kind of parent and I make no apology for it.

oystercatcher

Steph998 wrote: »

And, I am not 'doing his washing and cleaning'. I go round on a Saturday to collect his friends rent, and its a nice excuse to see my son, and make sure he is ok. He never did his all own washing and cooking at home - are there any 17 year old boys who do? So I have been showing him how to sort out his washing - whites etc, and having a look in the fridge to I can advise him on recipes and things.

My 16 year DS lives at home and does his own washing, he often cooks the family meals and when asked will help with the cleaning. His older brothers have been similarly trained. My plan is that they will be self sufficient when they leave home to go to Uni.
They don't mind helping and see it as their contribution to faimly life. I help them when I can and they help me back!

I think your son has a good amount of money to live on. If he is smoking and drinking he's not that hard up at all.
My thought would be to offer a financial incentive to him if he could stop smoking ! Not sure how you could be sure he had stopped but it would be better for his health and finances if he could stop.

Be sure he's making maximum use of the uni library for books as well. They have to buy some but not all their books!

That being said I'm dreading my middle son leaving for Uni next year I will miss him terribly.

Oystercatcher

shirlgirl2004

poet123 wrote: »

I intend to always be that kind of parent and I make no apology for it.

And nor should you :T

Oldernotwiser

poet123 wrote: »

I wonder if some of the posters who are villifying Steph for still worrying about her son either have no children or have children who are much younger?

I don't think that anybody's been "villifying" Steph and certainly hope that she doesn't think so.

Although most 17 year olds would still be living at home, I don't think that they'd all be having all their washing, cleaning etc done for them. Obviously some would but I doubt that anyone would consider it to be a bad thing for a young person of this age to be able to do things for themselves. Many people would be spending this year preparing their kids for independence at university anyway.

I think that most people have been trying to reassure Steph that her son is doing just fine as he is and that he really isn't having a much tougher time than most young men of his age. I also think that many people have been encouraging her to understand her husband's point of view, rather than to be thinking him to be the ogre in this situation.

Others may think differently but, for me, this is what this thread has been about.

Steph998

poet123 wrote: »

I wonder if some of the posters who are villifying Steph for still worrying about her son either have no children or have children who are much younger?
Nothing can excuse his behaviour,and I dont think steph has tried to do that. It was that behaviour that made them find him alternative accomodation,a clear sign that his actions were abhorrent to them. He then had the courts to face,it was quite a lenient sentence,but not unusually so. What more punishment could either the courts or the family have imposed?

it is still not the norm for 17 year olds to live away from home,and if they were at home most would be enjoying a comfortable life with washing,cooking etc done for them. I know mine were.....and yet they were quite capable of doing those things as and when they moved away to Uni.

It is the nature of motherhood to want to help out your kids whatever their ages. Tbh I think that those who don't agree with this probably have the struggles of their own adolescence informing their opinion. I had great supportive parents, who, until their deaths when I was in my 30's would have, and did, drop everything at a moments notice and to help me out.

Contrary to some opinions voiced here, this has not left either me or my brother dependent,or needy,but secure in the knowledge that we always had back up from family. We have both created families which replicate what we had as children,and now that our parents are no longer around we are there for each other, and for each others children too.

I intend to always be that kind of parent and I make no apology for it.

Brilliant. You have hit the nail on the head regarding how we as parents try to give our children the same support we grew up with. I think that is why OH and I have differing views. His parents were not at all 'loving', for want of a better word, and he was basically on his own fending for himself at age 17. So obviously he has no problem with Dan being in the same boat.

But...... *I* never brought Dan up like that. I too have amazingly supportive and loving parents who still, at 80 plus, would probably walk over hot coals for me, and my sister - and their grandkids too. My OH seems to see this protective streak as a 'weakness'....as do some of the posters here by the looks of it. I have to say, that due to my mother always trying to 'be a good mum' and look after us, I could hardly boil an egg at 25 when I moved out. But I managed, of course I did. And now I'm a mum too, and the moment I gave birth I suddenly understood the reasons behind her always wanting to make life easy for us.

(I am also a great cook! )

I'm not a doormat, and Dan is not spoiled. It's called unconditional love. Life can be hard, and the way I see it, Dan has got the rest of his life to have it tough. Once mortgages, debt, real life kicks in. At 17, I feel he just should not have all the angst that comes with adulthood yet. Is that wrong?

Having said that, I probably do do too much for him. I probably still will be, when I am eighty myself, (God willing! Lol.) But, hopefully I can find a balance between helping and supporting, and mollycoddling and interfering.

Right now, it feels like I'm helping.