Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

poet123

I think it did start out that way,but then the accusatory comment or two re whether she was making excuses for his behaviour,had she paid for a lawyer to use a loophole to gain him a more lenient sentence,and the issues with washing,cleaning etc began to creep in.

I beg to differ, but I would guess that most 17 year olds living at home would have their washing done for them,and their meals cooked. That is not to say that they are incapable of doing it,and may not do it on occasion, but it is certainly the norm in my circle to do washing as and when, and for whomever,rather than split it into seperate individual loads. Similarly, with meals,we have a family meal,and if someone is not there I would save them a plate for them to ping in microwave when they get in. Of course if they want a differnt meal,at a different time (as my sons do around 9pm/10pm after the gym!.....then the kitchen is closed!! and they sort themselves out)

Although his income may seem reasonable,the circumstances which surround that income are less than equitable imo. In that he is assessed as receiving monies from parents, that he is not actually receiving. To me though, that is not the real issue,it is the fact that Steph feels torn between wanting to help him out,and the fact that she knows her husband would disapprove. I am sure that even given carte blanche by her husband she is sensible enough to realise that to learn,to grow up,to become adult, we all need to make mistakes and try to sort them out ourselves. So she would not shower him with cash and food. The problem is she feels she cannot help without being disloyal to her OH, and that is an unenviable position for any mother to be in.

Steph998

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I don't think that anybody's been "villifying" Steph and certainly hope that she doesn't think so.

.

No, I don't feel vilified. :rolleyes: ...but I did get the impression after one or two posts that some people thought Dan was sort of like a little eastern potentate...and I was a fool for pandering to his every whim. It's really not like that. Of course, it's difficult, to get across what our family situation is like, and explain all the background etc in a few lines. Of course, I would love Dan to be independent and confident. That's what every parent wants for their child isn't it? To be able to stand back and let them fly the nest at some point.

I suppose, to post the OP like I did in the first place, is quite indicative of the kind of person I am. I'm a worrier, and I find it hard to see things without letting my emotions get in the way. I simply feel sorry for my son, fending for himself in that flat with some of the uni work he has to cope with. I genuinely want whats best for him, and I simply wondered what other parents thought. Now I know!

Steph998

poet123 wrote: »

I think it did start out that way,but then the accusatory comment or two re whether she was making excuses for his behaviour,had she paid for a lawyer to use a loophole to gain him a more lenient sentence,and the issues with washing,cleaning etc began to creep in.

I beg to differ, but I would guess that most 17 year olds living at home would have their washing done for them,and their meals cooked. That is not to say that they are incapable of doing it,and may not do it on occasion, but it is certainly the norm in my circle to do washing as and when, and for whomever,rather than split it into seperate individual loads. Similarly, with meals,we have a family meal,and if someone is not there I would save them a plate for them to ping in microwave when they get in. Of course if they want a differnt meal,at a different time (as my sons do around 9pm/10pm after the gym!.....then the kitchen is closed!! and they sort themselves out)

Although his income may seem reasonable,the circumstances which surround that income are less than equitable imo. In that he is assessed as receiving monies from parents, that he is not actually receiving. To me though, that is not the real issue,it is the fact that Steph feels torn between wanting to help him out,and the fact that she knows her husband would disapprove. I am sure that even given carte blanche by her husband she is sensible enough to realise that to learn,to grow up,to become adult, we all need to make mistakes and try to sort them out ourselves. So she would not shower him with cash and food. The problem is she feels she cannot help without being disloyal to her OH, and that is an unenviable position for any mother to be in.

Welling up AGAIN. Better than I could ever have put it.

Thank you
x

Steph998

>>I am sure that even given carte blanche by her husband she is sensible enough to realise that to learn,to grow up,to become adult, we all need to make mistakes and try to sort them out ourselves. So she would not shower him with cash and food. The problem is she feels she cannot help without being disloyal to her OH, and that is an unenviable position for any mother to be in.<<


Now I have composed myself again....sniff.....you are SO, so right Poet!

If OH had a sudden brainstorm, and said, oh for goodness sake, just give him the flat, let him keep the mates rent, in fact, we'll give him an allowance of five hundred on top of that, and pay all his bills, you can go round there every morning and take him to uni, save the bus fare, and on the way back, pop into Asda and buy him his groceries......and maybe you could chew his food for him as well?? LOL

Of course I don't want that for him. I just want what's fair and best for him, as our son, who for a range of reasons including his own stupidity, has had to move out.

And of course....part of me feels a little hurt (for me, as well as Dan) that my otherwise lovely OH just doesn't get it. ( Which in turn, in my more stupid moments, has made me think, to hell with him, I'm angry with him for not caring as much as I do, so I'll go behind his back. Tangled webs again.)

Tough love? Not for me.

Errata

Steph, have you sat your OH down and told him how you feel, why you feel that way, how your feel about what he feels, and what your son might feel?
It's difficult when there are three, as it's so easy for two against one to develop and sometimes they can all change places in line with what's going on.

Being at uni is incredibly stressful and students need support, especially when they're as young as your son. He's doing remarkably well working PY whilst he's studying, and given the challenges he's been faced with during his short life- dad walking out, mum working away from home and gran doing the childcare, new stepdad who seems to say 'my way or no way' - the worst he's done is been stupid behind the wheel of a car. Something you yourself have done, and probably your OH as well, but with less disastrous results. Teenage girls demonstrate their emotional distress through things like eating disorders, depression, self harming, teenage boys demonstrate their emotional distress through delinquent behaviour, your son getting drunk from a very young age could be taken as a sign of this.
So much seems to have happened, and be happening, which seems to indicate that your son is expected to behave like an adult but in some ways is treated as a child, I'm wondering if all of you are confused about what your roles in the family should be. An example: your son was allowed to drive a company car - it wasn't given to him, he never owned it - he never even had the opportunity to be horrified by how much it would cost to insure it. So he's an adult that drives a car, but a child when it comes to owning, insuring, taxing it.
Is it worth you having a think about the future? Your son may fail his exams and have to leave uni or he may just drop out. Where does he live then? We're in a recession - he may lose his PT job and not find another one. What does he live on then? Your OH is in the motor trade. His business may go bankrupt and the flat is reposessed. Where does your son live then? These are all worst case scenarios, but not impossibilities.
You love your son, have you thought how often you'll see him when he graduates and moves away from his home town, given that he's not welcome in the family home?

What happens if he becomes ill or has an accident? Is he expected to look after himself, as he can't go home to be looked after?

I think you're between a rock and a hard place, but I do feel you have to make a stand on this and do what's best for your son. Don't go behind your OH's back - tell him to his face what you're going to do - what's he going to do about that, throw you out as well ? If that means buying sons groceries every week and paying his heating bill - do it if you can afford to. The alternative is a malnourished son - something all students indulge in now an then, and an unwashed one as showering in an unheated bathroom is not tempting.

Oldernotwiser

What I have problems with here, and I apologise to Steph because I'm really just talking about a type of parenting and using her post as an example, is a situation where parents think that their 17 year olds are old enough to be drinking illegally and coming home in the middle of the night, but not old enough to operate a washing machine or to feed themselves. This type of situation comes up in so many threads on here, if not in such an extreme way as this.

Am I the only person that feels that there are many people who are getting things the wrong way round when it comes to parenting and allowing their children adult vices at the same time that they believe them to be too immature to be capable of choosing which socks they're going to wear?

Oldernotwiser

Oh well, that certainly gives two contrasting points of view to choose from!

poet123

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

What I have problems with here, and I apologise to Steph because I'm really just talking about a type of parenting and using her post as an example, is a situation where parents think that their 17 year olds are old enough to be drinking illegally and coming home in the middle of the night, but not old enough to operate a washing machine or to feed themselves. This type of situation comes up in so many threads on here, if not in such an extreme way as this.

Am I the only person that feels that there are many people who are getting things the wrong way round when it comes to parenting and allowing their children adult vices at the same time that they believe them to be too immature to be capable of choosing which socks they're going to wear?

I am not sure where this idea comes from my post clearly said that in the context of a family unit,the norm in my experience(and of course this is not universal,but, if I am honest I do think it desirable)is that at 17 they are still part of a unit that functions as a whole. That means that they are still considered when the washing is done,meals prepared etc. I also clearly stated that outside the normal meal times,they could, and should, fend for themselves. Similarly with washing,gym kit is put in and dealt with by them late at night,but general everyday washing from the wash basket is done by me.

How is this deeming them too immature to choose their socks to me it is setting the scene for their future family lives.

With regard to adult vices,we still had house rules at 17, that were of course stricter than they are now they are much older. Mine come in at all hours now,as they have lived away and been independent,but they certainly didnt have the same freedoms at 17,and if they had overstepped the mark,we would have expressed our disapproval.

Smashing

To be frank, I know you feel guilty that your son left home 'early' but ask most 17 year olds what they'd prefer - live at home or rent free in their own flat with a mate and I would wager the vast majority would have their bags packed before you had the keys cut.

Oldernotwiser

poet123 wrote: »

I am not sure where this idea comes from my post clearly said that in the context of a family unit,the norm in my experience(and of course this is not universal,but, if I am honest I do think it desirable)is that at 17 they are still part of a unit that functions as a whole. That means that they are still considered when the washing is done,meals prepared etc. I also clearly stated that outside the normal meal times,they could, and should, fend for themselves. Similarly with washing,gym kit is put in and dealt with by them late at night,but general everyday washing from the wash basket is done by me.

How is this deeming them too immature to choose their socks to me it is setting the scene for their future family lives.

With regard to adult vices,we still had house rules at 17, that were of course stricter than they are now they are much older. Mine come in at all hours now,as they have lived away and been independent,but they certainly didnt have the same freedoms at 17,and if they had overstepped the mark,we would have expressed our disapproval.

My post was regarding a general type of parenting and not directly aimed at what either you or Steph have posted.

I've spent too many years working with young adults not to be aware how many of them are allowed to drink, smoke, take drugs and be sexually active at the same time that their parents believe them to be incapable of taking any responsible action in other areas of their lives. Talking to parents of this age group about college visits to other areas would leave me feeling that I was taking a group of toddlers rather than the hard drinking, heavy smoking youths that they actually were. Just seems the wrong way round to me.