Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Steph998

shirlgirl2004 wrote: »

I think we all feel like that at one time or another about our partners if we've been together a long time. Most of the time mine is great but at times I shake my head in disbelief. Bit like the kids really

And the dogs. My three just went out for a huge walk...then half an hour romping in the garden. The youngest one - (Cally the Golden Retriever, aged six months) just came back in and did the biggest crap you have ever seen on the welcome mat at the back door.

:T

Thanks, Calls. Just what I needed.

poet123

liney wrote: »

You said the car was basically his. There are lots of people on the road who really shouldn't be. Passed or not, before giving him a dangerous weapon in the form of a vehicle perhaps further pass plus lessons were in order, or more supervised driving. If i thought my son shouldn't have passed his test there is no way id be giving him a car for the safety of himself and others. Different thread i suppose.

The problem is where do you draw the line? if a driving examiner deems someone fit to drive,then they are fit to drive in the eyes of the law. I dont think there is a parent in the land who is entirely happy with their child going solo on the road after passing a test,but you have to let go.

Even drivers who have loads of eperience can fall foul of another driver who is dangerous. If you have access to cars,and he passes his test of course you are going to give him the use of one.....no point in paying forlessons otherwise ,and practice makes perffect after all.

liney

poet123 wrote: »

The problem is where do you draw the line? if a driving examiner deems someone fit to drive,then they are fit to drive in the eyes of the law. I dont think there is a parent in the land who is entirely happy with their child going solo on the road after passing a test,but you have to let go.

Even drivers who have loads of eperience can fall foul of another driver who is dangerous. If you have access to cars,and he passes his test of course you are going to give him the use of one.....no point in paying forlessons otherwise ,and practice makes perffect after all.

I couldn't stop him from driving, but i wouldn't give him a car of his own if i wasn't happy from a safety point of view. It's not just about you, and a peice of paper, it's about other people too. Practise does make perfect.... and he could drive me anywhere he liked, but i wouldn't have a very clear conscioce (SP) if he ran someone down in the car i gave him to use even though i didn't think he should be on the road.

Likewise i would remove the use of a car if i wasn't happy from a safety point of view at a later date.

poet123

He doesn't need to have a car of his own to cause an accident....unless you have dual controls, there is very little you can do if the driver exhibits bad judgement,lack of skill, and makes an error,even if you are in the passenger seat.

Steph998

poet123 wrote: »

The problem is where do you draw the line? if a driving examiner deems someone fit to drive,then they are fit to drive in the eyes of the law. I dont think there is a parent in the land who is entirely happy with their child going solo on the road after passing a test,but you have to let go.

Even drivers who have loads of eperience can fall foul of another driver who is dangerous. If you have access to cars,and he passes his test of course you are going to give him the use of one.....no point in paying forlessons otherwise ,and practice makes perffect after all.

Exactly. Show me one parent who doesn't press the invisible brake in the passenger seat when they are being driven by their child. My mother still does it to me, and I'm 47. Nature makes it so we always think we know better than our kids, and that includes how to drive. My son was deemed fit to pass by the examiner - who was I to argue - and we are lucky enough to be in a situation where we could give Dan a car for his own use. We trusted him, and he let us down. Admitted. We live and learn. Of course if I knew he was going to drink and drive, we would never have been so generous.

liney

poet123 wrote: »

He doesn't need to have a car of his own to cause an accident....unless you have dual controls, there is very little you can do if the driver exhibits bad judgement,lack of skill, and makes an error,even if you are in the passenger seat.

I am well aware he doesn't need his own car to cause and accident, but the difference is me condoning him being on the road when i think he's a risk.He has his license after all, and can go and buy his own car if he chooses.

Most new drivers are very cautious as opposed to making their mother think they are a danger. It would give me sleepless nights knowing i'd enabled him to be on the road if he was truely that bad.

poet123

So, can you say hand on heart, that you know your child is a safe driver at all times, and you have no qualms, or feelings of trepidation when they are out in the car? if so you are a very lucky parent.

Steph998

liney wrote: »

. Passed or not, before giving him a dangerous weapon in the form of a vehicle perhaps further pass plus lessons were in order, or more supervised driving.

So where do you draw the line? He is now living in a flat we gave him, with gas, with fire, with cigarettes...( he is not allowed to smoke in the flat, but there is always the danger someone will) with alcohol, with knives in the kitchen drawer........believe me, all these things go through my head like a never ending movie in the wee small hours. I didn't want him to be behind the wheel of a car, anymore than I want him to be living in a flat in a rough area of town with the threat of drugged up burglars after his X Box.

But at some time, you have to let go I suppose. I have to say.....this is only something I am learning with the help of this site!

Steph998

liney wrote: »

Most new drivers are very cautious as opposed to making their mother think they are a danger. It would give me sleepless nights knowing i'd enabled him to be on the road if he was truely that bad.

Are they? I don't think so, in this generation of kids who 'think they learned to drive' courtesy of PS2's, and Gran Turismo. Yes, I was worried about Dan in his car, but probably not because of his driving..... only because the last time I looked, he was still in nappies, and I personally found it hard to reconcile this independent teenager with the boy I thought he still was.

Apologies if I gave the wrong impression in a previous post?

Savvy_Sue

Steph998 wrote: »

But I AM worried to death about him - in all aspects you mention! That's the whole flipping point! The laundry is the least of my worries...surely to God I am not so bad at explaining myself that you really think that??

I think one issue here may be the Scottish question. At 18, the majority of English students leave home to go to University. In Scotland it's less common to leave home, so whereas we southerners are thinking "What's the big deal? He'd have been off in a year anyway" that's not the norm for you.

My older two seemed to mature a lot between 16 and 17, and then they were off. I have no idea what they're up to 95% of the time. The eldest did tell me he was doing a 'prison break' thing last weekend, because he didn't want me to worry. I did point out that if I hadn't know he was doing it I wouldn't have been ABLE to worry! But I guess he thought I might miss seeing him on MSN. (A prison break is when you see how far you can get in 36 hours without spending any money on transport: in his case Warsaw, but it took him 72 hours to get back via Prague )

Mind you I decided (sorry to bore those of you who know this) that going into 6th form marks the end of mummy running round doing all their laundry. I felt they needed to learn not just HOW to use the washing machine, but WHEN, ie BEFORE putting your last pair of clean pants on. And they also start cooking a bit more, especially learning to cook the things they like to eat.

Steph998 wrote: »

Edit: Maybe it is all about control? I have some input in the laundry situation...there is not a lot I can do to influence his actions regarding the other stuff other than like I said, locking him up. Believe me, there is no one, NO ONE more upset on this board than me over his behaviour, I thought I brought him up knowing the difference between right and wrong...it appears I failed.

I think you're right, it is a control thing, but I wouldn't say you failed. He does KNOW the difference, he just didn't translate knowledge into action.

Steph998 wrote: »

But at least he failed with clean Y fronts on.

:rotfl: And I hope he appreciates that.

The other 'thing' going on here is empty nest syndrome, I think. Your 'boy' would normally have been at home for another few years. Suddenly he's not, but you didn't get the preparation / transition you might have expected. So you've not been able to make the transition and prepare either of you as you might have wanted.

I know if I was calling in on my eldest every week in his student flat and checking he'd done his laundry / bought enough food for the week / seeing what he'd got in the fridge and suggesting what he might make with it, I'd get a lot of rolling eyes, and a few "You worry too much" comments, and several "I expect I'll manage" replies. I keep telling him that worrying is in the Mother's Job Description, and can't be stopped completely. But at the same time as worrying, we do need to push towards independence, and that's maybe what you didn't have enough time to do.

And I fully accept that at least part of you popping round is to collect the rent from his friend. Even so, I might try to limit my activity to that, rather than "You know your sock drawer is nearly empty, don't you?" investigations.