Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Steph998

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

You see, it's not just YOUR son! :rotfl:

I hope the book keeper has instructions to send the boys round to the flat if the rent isn't paid on time! :rotfl:

LOL!

At least he is paying it! Mind you, that's a thought. Not sure what to do if he doesn't come out to the garage to pay. Hmmmmm........

And he IS as bad as Dan actually...when it comes to living in filth. That's why I baulk at cleaning the flat..it's one thing cleaning your own childs' marks off the sides of the loo....but someone elses...? :eek:

poet123

One of my sons lives on a 10 bed house with 3 bathrooms and 2 kitchens and believe me, the mess is amazing!The thing is it is the girls he lives with who are the worst for leaving a dirty kitchen. The ten of them who live there dont seem to see it.

Steph998

poet123 wrote: »

One of my sons lives on a 10 bed house with 3 bathrooms and 2 kitchens and believe me, the mess is amazing!The thing is it is the girls he lives with who are the worst for leaving a dirty kitchen. The ten of them who live there dont seem to see it.

Poet...when Dan first moved in, the GF moved in too. (She has since moved out, and the relationship is over.) I could not believe the mess she made. Even worse than now, with two blokes. But, for some reason, although she was happy to leave the place like a midden and never clean her hairs out of the plughole, the amount of washing she did was beyond belief. She would try on clothes in front of the mirror....nah, that looks wrong.....so instead of hanging it back up again she would chuck it in the wash basket. She was addicted to that washing machine. With the result, the place was like a chinese laundry...they ran out of space on the clothes horse and had to hang stuff on doors.... things you would never wash anyway; Matalan print skirts that only need washed if they get a drink spilled (and I'm a clean freak!) When questioned, in a jokey way, she told me she had been brought up to always be clean.

This from a girl with a tidemark round her neck like a 6 o'clock shadow, and unmentionable sheets she never bothered to wash at certain times of the month. I didn't go looking...but no one ever made the bed!

Yeeurgh.

Steph998

God, I sound like such a b*itch. Talk about mother in law from hell. Even I pity the girl he eventually ends up with.

I'm not actually....I just could not understand her hypocritical 'standards'.

belfastgirl23

Steph I am really loving how honest you're being on this thread - you're making me smile a lot

And making me very glad I don't have kids

Rikki

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Steph I am really loving how honest you're being on this thread - you're making me smile a lot

And making me very glad I don't have kids

I'm sure there are a few parents on here that would offer one of theirs for adoption or a least a long holiday with you. :cool:

bunty109

My mum used to get really upset leaving me in my student digs: she couldn't understand why I'd live in a hole.... I certainly wouldn't do it now, but think that at 18/19/20 it's just what you need to do.

I really wouldn't worry about the peeing in a bottle........lads I knew at uni used to pee in the hand basin in their rooms in halls if they couldn't be bothered to go to the loo so bottles under the bed is along the same lines (although my young sons can't hit a toilet basin when they try to pee so goodness knows how they'll every progress to a small target like a bottle :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: )

poet123

Another son lived in student digs and one of his flatmates mothers used to go round every week and clean for the 5 of them!:eek: she really had her work cut out. The kitchen floor was so sticky,your feet had to be wrenched up. I preferred to give a financial contribution:rotfl:

conradmum

Steph998 wrote: »

I am so glad I found this site. This thread has made me really look at the situation as a whole.....and not just my initial question about finances.

What is becoming apparent to me actually, is that it is all about ME. I have such high expectations for Dan. I remember the gorgeous little boy I gave birth to, nurtured - all the things Aliasajo mentioned in her lovely post. The thought of just letting them go into the big wide world - without being there to catch them when they fall - just flies in the face of everything I feel as a mother. Fair enough let them go (happily probably) at 25....but 17? When he pee's into a bottle, rather than go to the loo in the dark because he has been watching a scary movie? I go round to that flat, and see the state it is in, and I feel aggrieved....for my son living in such squalor..but hey, he doesn't care! It's ME that thinks about how he has been brought up, our lovely, warm, cosy home, and here he is, in a draughty old tenement with neighbours coughing upstairs, and the smell of stale fried egg, and nasty stains in the bath. And all because I married a man that he does not get on with. I honestly cant help thinking, if he was living at home, he could have been working toward his degree in nicer surroundings with all the support and comfort most loved 17 year olds have. I think that is why I feel I need to help him out so much. HE however probably thinks; yay, this is ace! I can sit up all night without being moaned at, lie in bed without having to go to lessons. Hell, I can even pi*ss straight out of the window if I want! Sod the hassle of trying to aim into the bottle!

Steph I'm really sorry because I'm likely to offend you again and that really isn't my intention, because it's easy to tell from your posts that you're a lovely person.

But....has it occurred to you that Dan's situation isn't caused by you marrying your husband, but by Dan's behaviour? This is the boy who wrecked not only the car he was driving but that of the unfortunate soul that he crashed into, due to reckless speeding, then one week later wrote off your brand new family car while he was out drunk driving?

He also seems to have been quite difficult to live with too, staying out late and getting drunk etc? Forgive me if I'm wrong but this is the impression I get from earlier things you've said about his and your husband's relationship being stormy.

You seem to want to take the blame for everything, marrying your husband, their currently bad relationship, Dan's bad behaviour and having to move out etc. etc. From an objective perspective, it seems to me that Dan was going seriously off the rails and your husband decided that he needed a dose of reality to buck his ideas up. Seems completely reasonable to me.

I really don't see how you're to blame for any of it. You married someone who has provided well for his family. He may have been a strict parent, but was he ever unfair or abusive? If not, then strict parenting is nothing to be ashamed of. Dan's going off the rails is probably nothing to do with his upbringing. Lots of teenagers go through a really difficult ride and all that parents can do is hope that they come out the other side unharmed.

Your story about the pee under the bed made me laugh. If one of my children had done that I would've assumed it was because they were too lazy to go to the loo, not too scared. :rotfl:

Please, please, please stop feeling sorry for Dan and stop blaming yourself for his current situation.

Steph998

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Steph I am really loving how honest you're being on this thread - you're making me smile a lot

And making me very glad I don't have kids

Belfast Girl, with my experience, I would recommend sticking to dogs. However, that said.....see my earlier post... (in light of his urinary habits...) hey, at least he never crapped on the welcome mat!

Even the most tolerant of mothers would have drawn the line.


:rotfl: