Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Steph998

[quote=Js_Other_Half;15738
703]Oh, and the university I went to lectures were optional. One lecturer tried to keep a register of attendees and was shot down in flames at the student/lecturer council I sat on...[/quote]

Am I missing something here, never having gone to uni myself?

How on earth do they learn if they never go to lectures?? Mind you, Dan did once say he can't understand a word one of his Lecturers says anyway, and has to go to the Library to get the notes off the student portal WebCT.

Rikki

It is so hard to take that step back.

Often when I've visited my son the house is not at its best and although tempted I bite my tongue (quite hard) I don't comment well maybe a little jibe.

With regards the lectures some lectures are on more than once in a week and they often get the chance to go again or get the notes at one of their student workshops.

The day children are born with a manual is the day a mothers job will be a piece of cake.

Savvy_Sue

Steph998 wrote: »

Now I am thinking - my God, how often does he do this and how much work is he missing? Can I check his attendance record at Uni? I don't even know when his exams are, or what marks he gets. I know he has occasional class tests.

Almost certainly not. I say almost certainly, because at 17 it is possible that the University does still have an obligation to provide information to parents on request. Once he's 18, I'm quite sure they don't.

I don't know how you hurry up the maturity process. If I did I'd be doing it for our youngest, although to be fair it's not that he's immature, it's that he's inconsistent. And I suspect that's true of your son too, that he CAN do the right thing, just not all the time.

I don't know if it will be possible to have a conversation with him any time soon in which he won't be completely on the defensive, or appear to be completely oblivious to the problems. Because, TBH, staying up all night is entirely normal at that age. Again, it's a Scottish problem that he's then not getting up for Uni, where there is a lot more choice and a lot less reporting back on attendance. And again, we generally have no idea what's going on with our offspring.

But you might get the chance to ask if Uni is going OK, is he enjoying the work, passing the tests etc, and if not, what does he want to do about it?

Steph998

I probably should not be saying this, and apologies if you are having your tea.:D

I once found a lemonade bottle full of what looked suspiciously like pee under Dans' bed when he still lived at home. Ancient pee. Suffice to say I didn't investigate further. His room is about three steps from the loo, but there you go. This is the lad who has been brought up by 'Mrs Dettol', so you can imagine the look on my face - I looked like I had been sucking lemons for a week.

As I find myself pondering on the state of his underwear drawer, and ask myself why there is an inch of dust on the lid of his washing powder box, I will remember that.

:rotfl:

Steph998

I am so glad I found this site. This thread has made me really look at the situation as a whole.....and not just my initial question about finances.

What is becoming apparent to me actually, is that it is all about ME. I have such high expectations for Dan. I remember the gorgeous little boy I gave birth to.... nurtured....all the things Aliasajo mentioned in her lovely post. The thought of just letting them go into the big wide world - without being there to catch them when they fall - just flies in the face of everything I feel as a mother. Fair enough let them go (happily probably) at 25....but 17? When he pee's into a bottle, rather than go to the loo in the dark because he has been watching a scary movie? I go round to that flat, and see the state it is in, and I feel aggrieved....for my son living in such squalor..but hey, he doesn't care! It's ME that thinks about how he has been brought up, our lovely, warm, cosy home, and here he is, in a draughty old tenement with neighbours coughing upstairs, and the smell of stale fried egg, and nasty stains in the bath. And all because I married a man that he does not get on with. I honestly cant help thinking, if he was living at home, he could have been working toward his degree in nicer surroundings with all the support and comfort most loved 17 year olds have. I think that is why I feel I need to help him out so much. HE however probably thinks; yay, this is ace! I can sit up all night without being moaned at, lie in bed without having to go to lessons. Hell, I can even pi*ss straight out of the window if I want! Sod the hassle of trying to aim into the bottle!

Rikki

Steph your posts tell me that what ever happens you have not lost your sense of humour. :T

Steph998

Thanks Rikki. Although I do sometimes feel my laughter is verging on manic hysterics.

Off to chortle into the first large glass of wine of the evening......;)

Errata

You know, it's tough being an only child. The high beam of the parents spotlight has nowhere to shine but right on them - all the time -non stop.

Steph, you may be right that much of this is about you, not about your son. But I'm wondering if occasionally neither of you is too clear about which hat you're wearing: landlady hat or mum hat. For instance, you collect the rent on a Saturday morning as a landlady but then that's also a social visit as mum. Is there no way the rent can be paid into a bank account, so that when you visit Dan it's by his invitation and there's nothing on the agenda but how you and he are getting on in life?

The most you can wish and hope for is that your son grows into a happy, contented and healthy man, anything else is a bonus.

Steph998

Errata wrote: »

Is there no way the rent can be paid into a bank account, so that when you visit Dan it's by his invitation and there's nothing on the agenda but how you and he are getting on in life?

I did give the flatmate our bank details when he moved in, and asked him to set up a DD. I think in the beginning, he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay there long term (maybe he spotted the lemonade bottle too) however, as much as he does now seem happy enough to continue as a tenant he has never got round to actually arranging automatic payments. Despite reminders. We are off on holiday soon for a month, and he will be told he will have to come out to our place of business to pay his rent weekly, to our book keeper. I am sure the extended bus journey might prompt him into action.

Savvy_Sue

Steph998 wrote: »

however, as much as he does now seem happy enough to continue as a tenant he has never got round to actually arranging automatic payments. Despite reminders.

You see, it's not just YOUR son! :rotfl:

I hope the book keeper has instructions to send the boys round to the flat if the rent isn't paid on time! :rotfl: