Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

shirlgirl2004

Steph998 wrote: »

And the dogs. My three just went out for a huge walk...then half an hour romping in the garden. The youngest one - (Cally the Golden Retriever, aged six months) just came back in and did the biggest crap you have ever seen on the welcome mat at the back door.

:T

At least she did it on the mat. It's easier to clean up

aliasojo

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

The other 'thing' going on here is empty nest syndrome, I think. Your 'boy' would normally have been at home for another few years. Suddenly he's not, but you didn't get the preparation / transition you might have expected. So you've not been able to make the transition and prepare either of you as you might have wanted.

Actually SS I think that's quite a good point. It struck a chord with me anyway. I know when things were bad in our house and we were reaching the point of no return, the thought of putting him out seemed intolerable to me, it went against my instincts as a Mother. I spent years raising this person, educating him, protecting him etc and all of a sudden I was in a position where I was expected to turf him out, almost overnight. Regardless of his needs and emotions, mine were being affected badly..... and unfairly I might add.

As you know, he wasn't evicted and we got past those rough times and now I've got that preparation time. I know he'll be moving on in the future but it'll be in a more natural way, if you like, and I'm finding the worse thing I'm thinking about now, is what colour I'll paint his walls when he's gone. :rotfl:

One last thing I want to mention is that I had a psychological issue to deal with, in that I felt 17 was still a child (and therefore largely incapable :rolleyes: ) but 18 was the start of the standing on your own two feet time (with regard to my son in particular).

I left home at 16 and moved 200 miles away through choice and I was happy to get on with it. I was much, much more capable at 16 than my son ever was though. He just wasn't as mature. So it all comes down to how individuals cope rather than their age, I think. There's not a lot of mileage in people saying mine did this, that or the other at age 17 simply because of the maturity angle, perhaps?

Steph998

Well, I totally agree with all above. That is the problem in a nutshell - I also feel Dan is simply not mature enough to be living independently. He is just a big overgrown kid living in a flat - a recipe for disaster - and this I think is the crux of all my worries.

Sorry to give yet another long screed - but this is just typical of Dan. I went round there this morning, to let in the Gas Man again, as they are having problems with the prepaid meter (the usual story, will be there between 9 and 12.) Dan and flatmate both at uni, so I didn't mind sitting there with a book, - it had to be done, and Dan had done all organisation with Scottish Power. I never usually go round in the morning, or during the week at all, I only ever go on a Saturday as I mentioned earlier. Anyway, I get there at 9am, and Dan is sound asleep in bed! He is supposed to be in lectures between 9 and 11. The living room was full 'evidence', obviously the two of them had sat up till all hours playing the tournament they have got going on the X Box. The sad thing is - showing his immaturity - the room was filled with Coke bottles and empty cake boxes. No beers or anything - in fact, no alcohol at all in the house.

I went off my head. Apart from the fact that we are not allowing him to live there just so he can live the life of Riley - staying up all night and sleeping all day, he is supposed to be attending uni - the bu*gger knew I was coming and obviously didnt give two hoots I would find him. If that was me, I would have dragged myself out of bed so my mother didn't find me and realise what I was up to. At the very least he could have texted me to save me a trip. The flat mate had managed to get to uni, and even cooked himself a fry up before he left, judging by the by the mess in the kitchen.

I left, telling him he could let the gas man in himself. I still don't know if he did, or if he actually got up and went to uni....knowing him, he probably promptly went back to sleep.

I'm FUMING!

Actually....I'm not. I'm too tired to be angry. I'm just disappointed, sad and at the end of my tether.

Now I am thinking - my God, how often does he do this and how much work is he missing? Can I check his attendance record at Uni? I don't even know when his exams are, or what marks he gets. I know he has occasional class tests. Worry worry worry. But you know something? This afternoon I really feel like I have reached a point where I just can't do anymore for him. I joked about chewing his food...honestly, it really is dawning on me that I simply can't live his life for him and chase around after him making sure he is doing what he should be. Quite frankly, I would rather he came back to live at home than have all this angst.... it would be less hassle, and almost - almost worth putting up with the atmosphere between him and his father.

If he screws up this chance a for his future, he only has himself to blame.

So why do I still feel at the end of the day it is my fault that he should NOT be in this situation in the first place - living in a flat independently but acting like a child.??!

Steph998

...Savvy Sue...Aliasajo.... thanks for the helpful and informative posts above. I am reading everyones advice and REALLY listening. Thanks.

Errata

He's not acting like a child, he's acting like a normal first year student. He'll learn just like all the other students do, it's part of student life and part of maturing.
To be honest, if you want him to attend all the lectures he should, read all the books he should you'll have to move in with him. Even that probably wouldn't work.
Give him some space to make his mistakes - that's how we all learn. If he fails his year end exams - then that's his fault, not yours, and he will know that and either change his ways or decide that uni isn't for him. And that's not the end of the world.

The untidyness and dirty pots are his business, not yours, it's his student accommodation, not yours. It's not exactly unknown for students to live in total squalor as any student landlord can tell you.

Steph998

Thanks for the much needed dose of 'Sense'.

I needed it.

When he was in Sixth year, he did the same. Stayed up all night - in his room but awake - doing God knows what (he had no internet in the room) and then couldn't get up in the morning. He did though, because good old Mum was at the bottom of the bed shouting at him. Nothing has changed, except for Mum at the foot of the bed. (Well, I was this morning. I think his ears are still ringing.)

Js_Other_Half

It does sound remarkably like some of my male friends houses during first year university...

They're all grown up with families of their own now, and I'm sure their wives/partners wouldn't believe some of the stories I could tell them about the squalor they lived in!:D

Js_Other_Half

Oh, and the university I went to lectures were optional. One lecturer tried to keep a register of attendees and was shot down in flames at the student/lecturer council I sat on...

Errata

Now I am thinking - my God, how often does he do this and how much work is he missing? Can I check his attendance record at Uni? I don't even know when his exams are, or what marks he gets. I know he has occasional class tests

The answer to your first question is you will probably never know. The answer to your second question is no - that's between him and uni. His tutors will pull him up sharpish if they need to. The answer to your third question is - why not ask him ?

If you try to start checking up on him without his permission he'll feel undermined Don't worry - a great many students go through phases of doing as little work as they can get away with, and most students know exactly how much - and how little - work they have to do to pass their exams.

You're right - you can't live his life for him, but why would you want to? You have a life of your own to live.

Steph998

I'm not too bothered about the squalor actually...I only mentioned it as part of the story! Like I said in previous posts, I occasionally squirt a blast of bleach round the toilet bowl etc when I am there.... (only before I have to use it!!) but I certainly do not deep clean the place for them. It's revolting. I wouldn't know where to begin.