Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Steph998

Errata wrote: »

and with photos of rotten livers to frighten him witless.

Lol. Tried that tactic.... I used to leave pictures of blackened lungs on the desktop of the family computer when I first realised he was smoking. And recently, I also sent pictures of burns victims to his laptop, so he wouldn't smoke in the flat!!

Steph998

liney wrote: »

But you bought him a car anyway?

Honestly, i was 16 when i left home, and 18 when i bought my own house in my sole name. Although i wasn't directly pushed (a few threats were made and being the kind of person i am i stood my ground) it was the best thing that could have happened in hindsight. Yes i was poor, yes i was cold sometimes, and yes i lived on rubbish from time to time, but at least i now have a decent relationship with my mother, know painfully the value of money, and have my own home. If i had stayed at home, got used to spending all my wages on myself paying minimal board i doubt i'd be in the same situation i am now.

I'm not saying don't help your son out from time to time just don't shield him from every hardship. Is he looking for a job with more reguar hours now? initially i thought he did set hours earning £70 every week.

We didn't buy him a car. He got the use of one of the 80 cars we own, which are covered by our insurance. I could hardly stop him learning to drive, simply because I had little faith in his driving skills. The driving instructor saw fit to pass him.

Rikki

poet123 wrote: »

I wonder if some of the posters who are villifying Steph for still worrying about her son either have no children or have children who are much younger?
Nothing can excuse his behaviour,and I dont think steph has tried to do that. It was that behaviour that made them find him alternative accomodation,a clear sign that his actions were abhorrent to them. He then had the courts to face,it was quite a lenient sentence,but not unusually so. What more punishment could either the courts or the family have imposed?

it is still not the norm for 17 year olds to live away from home,and if they were at home most would be enjoying a comfortable life with washing,cooking etc done for them. I know mine were.....and yet they were quite capable of doing those things as and when they moved away to Uni.

It is the nature of motherhood to want to help out your kids whatever their ages. Tbh I think that those who don't agree with this probably have the struggles of their own adolescence informing their opinion. I had great supportive parents, who, until their deaths when I was in my 30's would have, and did, drop everything at a moments notice and to help me out.

Contrary to some opinions voiced here, this has not left either me or my brother dependent,or needy,but secure in the knowledge that we always had back up from family. We have both created families which replicate what we had as children,and now that our parents are no longer around we are there for each other, and for each others children too.

I intend to always be that kind of parent and I make no apology for it.

Her son is in his first year of university. Most students live away from home when they are at university.

My son is in student accommodation and is positively a pauper compared to this lad.
He pays his own fees, rent, food, bills and books etc. These is done by his maintenance grant and his job.
He's had to sell his car because he can't afford to insure it.
He's washed and ironed since his days in the cadets and can cooks meals from scratch.
He's learning about life the hard way and its not just because my funds are limited its because he needs to stand on his own two feet and take responsibility.

I think we all have to look at our own situations and decide what is best for our son/daughter but it is nice to get the views and ideas from other parents. Sometimes we agree with them and can implement them into our own lives others are just left on the mse web page..

poet123

Most 17 year olds are still in College,not actually at Uni. Also, he moved out not because of his studies,but due to circumstance.

I am not quite sure why you quoted my post? but fyi I have 2 sons at Uni and they do similar to the things you state yoour son does. However, as our income is too high they get only the basic loans,so we top them up by paying for various things. We feel that is only fair as it is our income that is assessed.

Rikki

poet123 wrote: »

Most 17 year olds are still in College,not actually at Uni. Also, he moved out not because of his studies,but due to circumstance.

I am not quite sure why you quoted my post? but fyi I have 2 sons at Uni and they do similar to the things you state yoour son does. However, as our income is too high they get only the basic loans,so we top them up by paying for various things. We feel that is only fair as it is our income that is assessed.

I quoted your post as it was one that mentioned his age and being away from home. ( I'm happy to remove your quote if you'd prefer)

I would do the same for my son if my income had too great an affect on his grants.

He is young to be going to university but it is obvious to me he is clever enough to be there. Its just the common sense that take a while to kick in for many of them.

poet123

No objection,I just thought I may have missed a question that you had asked/implied, as a result of my previous post iyswim:D

Errata

Lots of stuff going on around money which perhaps needs a bit of thought and conclusions reached. The gas fitting is worrying, because it's illegal for anyone other than a Corgi fitter to do it, so the OH was prepared to put another student at risk in order to save money. The reason he doesn't diy the gas in the properties he builds is because the work would be illegal and wouldn't be passed by the building inspector. And he knows it.

OH would be horrified if he thought I really believed 'his money wasn't my money'. I mean, it usually is.... as long as it is not being spent on Daniel

This is quite subtle, what you're saying is your access to money is conditional on his approval. Pragmatically, you don't have access to his money, your spend can only be made on his say so.
If you're being paid by the company then you can spend your money on whatever you choose surely ? If you can't, and if you can't use money you have access to for whatever you choose, then it looks very much like your OH is using money to control your behaviour. This may be something that's not healthy for either of you.

Steph998

I know about the fitting of a gas fire by a non registered corgi plumber being illegal. That's why I insisted he got a plumber in; not only was I worried about Dan if he screwed up, but his mate as well. It was actually a very simple switchover job that OH probably could have done...and he knows it, but thats not the point is it. To quote Martin Lewis...'it was all about the moneysaving!'

I don't feel comfortable or happy bit*ching about OH behind his back. I love him to bits, but I do struggle with some of the things he does.

shirlgirl2004

Steph998 wrote: »

I don't feel comfortable or happy bit*ching about OH behind his back. I love him to bits, but I do struggle with some of the things he does.

I think we all feel like that at one time or another about our partners if we've been together a long time. Most of the time mine is great but at times I shake my head in disbelief. Bit like the kids really

liney

Steph998 wrote: »

We didn't buy him a car. He got the use of one of the 80 cars we own, which are covered by our insurance. I could hardly stop him learning to drive, simply because I had little faith in his driving skills. The driving instructor saw fit to pass him.

You said the car was basically his. There are lots of people on the road who really shouldn't be. Passed or not, before giving him a dangerous weapon in the form of a vehicle perhaps further pass plus lessons were in order, or more supervised driving. If i thought my son shouldn't have passed his test there is no way id be giving him a car for the safety of himself and others. Different thread i suppose.