Step parenting and Student son moving out....advice appreciated

Steph998

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

What I have problems with here, and I apologise to Steph because I'm really just talking about a type of parenting and using her post as an example, is a situation where parents think that their 17 year olds are old enough to be drinking illegally and coming home in the middle of the night, but not old enough to operate a washing machine or to feed themselves. This type of situation comes up in so many threads on here, if not in such an extreme way as this.

Am I the only person that feels that there are many people who are getting things the wrong way round when it comes to parenting and allowing their children adult vices at the same time that they believe them to be too immature to be capable of choosing which socks they're going to wear?

I understand completely what you are saying - and am tying myself in knots here trying to eloquently get over the aswer I want to give. I know the point is not aimed specifically at me - and in some repects, does not require a literal explanation on laundry skills etc.... but of course I don't think my son is too immature to be, for example using a washing machine or choosing his socks.... but at the same time, it's OK that he goes and gets drunk. Let's be realistic here. What average 17 year old does not take advantage of the fact that he looks older than his years and drinks illegally? I'm not saying it's right, but it happens. Its enjoyable at 17 to go and socialise, its not so enjoyable to get spend your Saturday mornings sorting out your laundry, and I can't think of many 17 year olds that would do it voluntarily when they have a mum who is quite happy to do it for all the family. I don't judge his maturity by the fact that he can't match his socks. I judge it by his ability to know right from wrong, and I mentioned earlier that we made it clear to Dan that he would have to take responsibility for his actions in taking the car that night. My role as a stay at home mum, when he lived at home, was to make sure my family were clean and well taken care of, and the fact that he has moved out doesn't actually change that....FOR ME. Yes, I have 'taught' him how to operate the Hotpoint....but its just the way of youth that it is going to be way down the list on his priorities, and the Mum in me still wants to think that he is going about his day to day life clean and with a good meal inside him.

Steph998

Smashing wrote: »

To be frank, I know you feel guilty that your son left home 'early' but ask most 17 year olds what they'd prefer - live at home or rent free in their own flat with a mate and I would wager the vast majority would have their bags packed before you had the keys cut.

LOL! Thanks for that dose of total reality....brilliant. The really frustrating thing for me, in trying not so successfully to explain myself in all these posts...is that I know this. Dan is as happy as the proverbial mucky pig. It's ME that is tying myself in knots about the situation!

Oldernotwiser

Steph998 wrote: »

but at the same time, it's OK that he goes and gets drunk. Let's be realistic here. What average 17 year old does not take advantage of the fact that he looks older than his years and drinks illegally? I'm not saying it's right, but it happens. Its enjoyable at 17 to go and socialise, its not so enjoyable to get spend your Saturday mornings sorting out your laundry, and I can't think of many 17 year olds that would do it voluntarily when they have a mum who is quite happy to do it for all the family.

But surely parenting should be about getting kids to do what they ought to do, not just what they enjoy doing? They don't need any encouraging on that score!
I just can't understand how you're not worried to death about his drinking (much less his escapades in the car) but you're worried about his laundry. It still seems the wrong way round to me.

Steph998

>>allowing their children adult vices at the same time that they believe them to be too immature to be capable of choosing which socks they're going to wear?<<


And actually, no, I have never thought at 17 my son was mature enough to be going out till all hours, drinking. My careworn face from lack of sleep is testament to that. The same way I thought he was not mature enough to be in control of a car - which he proved. But what are we to do? Lock them in?

Errata

Perhaps we need to remember that there are some 37 year old men who believe in the washing and ironing fairy, the picking up damp towels fairy and the replenishing the toilet roll magician !

Steph, this must be a very stessful struggle for you. Why not look at it this way. You do voluntary work. In my experience of the voluntary sector although volunteers aren't paid their hourly rate is costed at minimum wage plus 30% oncosts and this can appear as an asset in an application for funding. Clearly it's helpful for the grant givers to see in 'hard cash' how much this asset is worth, take a view and come to a funding decision.
I don't know how many hours you do, but let's say it's 5 hours a week. That means your value to the organisation you volunteer with is a significant weekly sum compared to what your son can earn outside his studies, money that isn't guaranteed in any case.
So, the bottom line is that your OH is content for an organisation to benefit from your work but not your son.
If your OH is so very against any financial contribution that comes out of his wallet and you feel strongly enough about this, why not give up your voluntary work, get PT job at Asda or Sainsburys and give your son some food money out of your wages?

Steph998

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I just can't understand how you're not worried to death about his drinking (much less his escapades in the car) but you're worried about his laundry. It still seems the wrong way round to me.

But I AM worried to death about him - in all aspects you mention! That's the whole flipping point! The laundry is the least of my worries...surely to God I am not so bad at explaining myself that you really think that??

Edit: Maybe it is all about control? I have some input in the laundry situation...there is not a lot I can do to influence his actions regarding the other stuff other than like I said, locking him up. Believe me, there is no one, NO ONE more upset on this board than me over his behaviour, I thought I brought him up knowing the difference between right and wrong...it appears I failed. But at least he failed with clean Y fronts on.

Smashing

Well, if worrying about Dan doesn't turn your hair grey, this thread should help it on its way.

Errata

Steph, don't blame yourself alone. Your mum and you and then you and your OH brought your son up. He may have been getting drunk just to forget for a short while the misery and grief he was having at home, and now he's moved out may be much happier and not need to do that.
I'm assuming your OH didn't have the discussion with him about the birds and the beers before he moved out. If so, it's your responsibility to have it with him but it can be done in a lighthearted way, and with photos of rotten livers to frighten him witless.

Steph998

Errata wrote: »

Perhaps we need to remember that there are some 37 year old men who believe in the washing and ironing fairy, the picking up damp towels fairy and the replenishing the toilet roll magician !

Steph, this must be a very stessful struggle for you. Why not look at it this way. You do voluntary work. In my experience of the voluntary sector although volunteers aren't paid their hourly rate is costed at minimum wage plus 30% oncosts and this can appear as an asset in an application for funding. Clearly it's helpful for the grant givers to see in 'hard cash' how much this asset is worth, take a view and come to a funding decision.
I don't know how many hours you do, but let's say it's 5 hours a week. That means your value to the organisation you volunteer with is a significant weekly sum compared to what your son can earn outside his studies, money that isn't guaranteed in any case.
So, the bottom line is that your OH is content for an organisation to benefit from your work but not your son.
If your OH is so very against any financial contribution that comes out of his wallet and you feel strongly enough about this, why not give up your voluntary work, get PT job at Asda or Sainsburys and give your son some food money out of your wages?

Thanks Errata...it is something I've thought about. I only work voluntarily five hours per week - in a Christian coffee shop in our town centre. It's aimed at rehabilitating women (who for whatever reason can not get back on the employment ladder, due to a criminal record, drugs or whatever) so we employ them, show them how to use the till, food hygiene, kitchen work, book keeping, waitress etc. It not entirely altruistic....I love the banter and the coffee and homebakes are great.

I also do a bit for our own business, and am actually a Company Director. Sounds a bit pompous....it's just on paper, and probably just a way of getting money in a salary out of the company. Also, I'm a bit thick when it come to tax but apparently it would not be beneficial for me to get a 'real' job. Still thinking about it though. I didn't realise until I started this thread how little I have of my own. Don't even start me on wills etc....:eek:

When I met OH, I had my own house, which was sold, and the free proceeds were paid into our joint account. Since then, I have never really had money of 'my own', aftewr years of being financially quite independent. OH would be horrified if he thought I really believed 'his money wasn't my money'. I mean, it usually is.... as long as it is not being spent on Daniel!

For example. (Have I mentioned this? Apologies if I have.) We bought a new gas fire for the flat, as the old one was probably the Baxi prototype, and it was on its last legs. He didn't mind paying for the new fire, but he point blank refused to pay for a gas fitter to fit it (he is a mechanic who has also branched out into building renovation, and he thinks he can do it all himself. However...when he builds a house, he always gets a Corgi plumber to fit the boilers etc. So I was miffed that he was putting money before our son and his flatmates safety, but he didn't mind paying for it in a build for someone else. ) Now...if I had had money of my own, I could have paid for the fitter. But with no money...I had to try to cajole and persuade this otherwise sensible man to see my point of view. He eventually did, and Mr Corgi fitted it last week, but there's another ulcer brewing in my stomach because of it.

liney

Steph998 wrote: »

>>allowing their children adult vices at the same time that they believe them to be too immature to be capable of choosing which socks they're going to wear?<<


And actually, no, I have never thought at 17 my son was mature enough to be going out till all hours, drinking. My careworn face from lack of sleep is testament to that. The same way I thought he was not mature enough to be in control of a car - which he proved. But what are we to do? Lock them in?

But you bought him a car anyway?

Honestly, i was 16 when i left home, and 18 when i bought my own house in my sole name. Although i wasn't directly pushed (a few threats were made and being the kind of person i am i stood my ground) it was the best thing that could have happened in hindsight. Yes i was poor, yes i was cold sometimes, and yes i lived on rubbish from time to time, but at least i now have a decent relationship with my mother, know painfully the value of money, and have my own home. If i had stayed at home, got used to spending all my wages on myself paying minimal board i doubt i'd be in the same situation i am now.

I'm not saying don't help your son out from time to time just don't shield him from every hardship. Is he looking for a job with more reguar hours now? initially i thought he did set hours earning £70 every week.