A not so happy relationship

yoni_one

Stacie, I have only read the latter pages on this thread so not sure if you are already receiving support from appropriate agencies.

I work for Womens Aid and our local organisation offers support in the community and to women who choose, for whatever reason, to remain with or return to the perpetrator of domestic violence and abuse.

Another statistic is that on average women are assaulted 35 times before they report the abuse, there are lots of reasons for this and organisations like Womens Aid and Refuge understand why some women make choices other people find difficult to comprehend why.

Please contact your local organisation and ask to make a self referral for Outreach Support. If that service is offered in your area you should be able to access non-judgemental support on how to manage risk while in the relationship without being pressured to leave. You should be able to find your local services here - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

PM me if you have any further questions or wish to access online support in private.

Stephb1986_2

yoni_one wrote: »

Stacie, I have only read the latter pages on this thread so not sure if you are already receiving support from appropriate agencies.

I work for Womens Aid and our local organisation offers support in the community and to women who choose, for whatever reason, to remain with or return to the perpetrator of domestic violence and abuse.

Another statistic is that on average women are assaulted 35 times before they report the abuse, there are lots of reasons for this and organisations like Womens Aid and Refuge understand why some women make choices other people find difficult to comprehend why.

Please contact your local organisation and ask to make a self referral for Outreach Support. If that service is offered in your area you should be able to access non-judgemental support on how to manage risk while in the relationship without being pressured to leave. You should be able to find your local services here - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

PM me if you have any further questions or wish to access online support in private.

She doesn't want the help so there's no point in even trying anymore just let her get on with her life of abuse.

yoni_one

Stephb1986 wrote: »

She doesn't want the help so there's no point in even trying anymore just let her get on with her life of abuse.

Your response is a clear example of the lack of understanding around the issues involved. Even though Stacie requested the post closed it is due to the backlash the OP is facing on this thread that I added to it and suggested she access professional support from those who are more widely informed.

I wont enter in to further debate with you on here out of respect for the OP and anyone else in a similar position. If you want to contact me privately to learn more about the issues in general please feel free to PM me.

katiekittykat

Staciep88 wrote: »

Thank you all. I didnt realise I was coming across like that, and I am grateful for your advice, im just struggling to do anything about it. And yes I really do beleive that he can change, and yes I probably won't do anything until/if it happens again. I really do appreciated everyones advice, and I know alot of your have been through it and whilst I was reading the posts you have all said that when you were back in my position you felt the same as me.

I DO appeciated your advice though.

CLOSED

Sorry but if you think he can change you are very very naive - he won't! END OF!! He will seem like everything is hunky doory with him now - buts thats just a mind game to get you to move back with him .. and then he will start all over again (if not sooner)

It's the fact that you then say until/if it happens again it is like you are already expecting it to happen again!

What will it take for you to see sense? A broken bone?

Stephb1986_2

yoni_one wrote: »

Your response is a clear example of the lack of understanding around the issues involved. Even though Stacie requested the post closed it is due to the backlash the OP is facing on this thread that I added to it and suggested she access professional support from those who are more widely informed.

I wont enter in to further debate with you on here out of respect for the OP and anyone else in a similar position. If you want to contact me privately to learn more about the issues in general please feel free to PM me.

Well to be honest I have a very clear understanding of domestic violence as my mum suffered it for years when i was a child and i was old enough to remember everything i've also had it happen to me so yeah i do have an understanding of it.

Everyone has give her advice here and she's going back for more now. He will never change and more fool her for thinking that he will. So yeah people who go back for more are clearly asking for it. end of!

pukkamum

I do think that there has to come a time when you say well i've given you the best advice i can and if you choose to ignore it so be it.
We were in the same situation with a very good friend of ours many years ago.
We repeatedly told her to leave him (this was before they had kids etc)
She constantly insisted he would change and then phone us telling us of more abuse.
In the end we (me and all her other friends) had to simply say that if she wasn't willing to heed our advice then she wasn't to ask for it again as it was getting so hard for everyone we did make it clear however that if she ever decided to leave him we would be there for her 100%.
Some people are going to do what they want to do regardless of anybody elses opinion.

yoni_one

Stephb1986 wrote: »

Well to be honest I have a very clear understanding of domestic violence as my mum suffered it for years when i was a child and i was old enough to remember everything i've also had it happen to me so yeah i do have an understanding of it.

Everyone has give her advice here and she's going back for more now. He will never change and more fool her for thinking that he will. So yeah people who go back for more are clearly asking for it. end of!

Steph, I am really sorry have been through it too, especially living with it as a child and clearly you have a deep understanding of your own experiences however the issues are so diverse it isn't beneficial to measure another person's personal journey by your own.

I would strongly recommend the Freedom Programme to both you and the OP. It was developed after working with perpetrators and hearing their views about women. It is really educational and promotes the idea of accepting responsibility for your choices, however it also explores in depth how the way in which we are informed will influence our choices and this is then applied to personal experiences which are vastly different in many ways and frighteningly similar in others.

Nobody ever asks for it, nor do they deserve to be abused. The abuse is the responsibility of the perpetrator and that person alone. Chosing to stay or return to a perpetrator is the responsibility of the other person, but as mentioned previously, both have their reasons for their choices. The Freedom Programme encourages people to examine their own choices and better understand why they made them at the time or continue to do so. After understanding this from new angles they are in a better position to challenge their own decision making further.

You can learn more about it on the website http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/freedomprogramme/index.cfm but it is aimed more at agencies than service users.

You should also be able to find out if a programme is running in your area via the domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247.

Having helped facilitate some of the sessions I would urge anyone who has had any direct or indirect experience of DV & A or who is just interested in learning more about it to attend.

shellsuit

Stephb1986 wrote: »

Do you know that 4 women in the UK die from domestic violence a week. Yeah your reading the advice but your not taking it just giving us lip service. Its your choice at the end of the day but more fool you and you deserve what you get now.

What a horrible sh!tty thing to say.

Stacie is young, probably naive and foolish, but she wants to make a go of it with him, and it looks like he does too otherwise why waste his time going to counselling?

Stacie knows if anything like his previous behaviour happens again, then that's it, he won't change, but she wants to try and who knows, the counselling might really help her OH and they might live happily ever after.

AnnieM_3

Negative posts like 'you deserve what you get if you go back' etc won't help Stacie, I think.

All it will do is make her self esteem lower, so that she clings to that man out of a desire for security ie what she 'knows' (better the devil and all that - especially if he's worked so hard to make her feel like she can't manage without him).

However frustrated WE (I'm not excluding myself) might feel, we have to remember it's easy to stand removed from the situation and give her instructions and advice. However much we think we may be right, Stacie is obviously feeling very vulnerable and unsure of things. We may all have to bite our tongues - 'yelling' at her isn't going to encourage her to take that leap of faith and leave him for real. Apart from anything else - it's her life, and her decision, and we have to respect that, whatever our own feelings.

I strongly feel that if they go down the counselling route, the issue of violence needs to be bought up, so that a trained professional can then help them BOTH in whatever ways they need it. Maybe he is redeemable - maybe not. A counsellor who has been given all the facts and met both of them will be able to help, one way or another.

Staciep88

Thank you to the above post - you have got it right. The violence is being bought up at counselling so hopefully we are on the right route. Thanks again. x