In desperate need of help, this is a mess?!?!

Glad

Hi, Martin’s asked me to post this in these circumstances: I’ve asked Board Guides to move threads if they’ll receive a better response elsewhere (please see this rule) so this post/thread has been moved to another board, where it should get more replies. If you have any questions about this policy please email [EMAIL="abuse@moneysavingexpert.com"]!!!!!![/EMAIL]

caroline2675

Glad wrote: »

Hi, Martin’s asked me to post this in these circumstances: I’ve asked Board Guides to move threads if they’ll receive a better response elsewhere (please see this rule) so this post/thread has been moved to another board, where it should get more replies. If you have any questions about this policy please email [EMAIL="abuse@moneysavingexpert.com"]!!!!!![/EMAIL]

Hi there, just wondering where my thread as moved to as I wasnt sure what i had done wrong???
thanks
Caroline

Errata

Nothing's wrong, you haven't done anything wrong. Sometimes the Board Guides move threads which aren't about saving money to another board. Don't worry.

petrafyde

Hey,

Hope you're feeling ok. I haven't read the replies, just the main post so apologies if I repeat other people. I'm going to play devils advocate here if you don't mind - because through my own life experiences I can see things from both sides I think? Plus it will give you food for thought. Its important any decision you make is entirely your own.

I initially felt a strong urge to tell you to pack up your gear and run like mad! This man had consistently proven that he was not to be trusted. I lived with a lunatic like that for FIVE YEARS and it 'still' lives with me today, believe me - if you're this concerned now, what's it going to be like in a years time when you've been together and things have run a bit more smoothly? Perhaps you'll get into the habit of accepting his faults as something that don't need to be changed, because you know what he's like...

You are an extremely intelligent and capable woman. Love is all well and good, but when it brings stress, its best avoided. You are only 33! Why we put ourselves into these situations I don't know - but we do. If it were me, based on previous experience with an ex of my own, I'd leg it. Seriously.

On the flip side though, as a country England has been one massive victim when it comes to credit. The moment you have something worth having (a house usually) credit offers are thrown your way left right and centre and those of us who would desire a better lifestyle. Sick of the daily grind? Want a bit of fun for a change? Maybe that dream holiday, or a new runaround - it might cost 11k but its cheaper on petrol repairs and tax... Some people are stronger than others, and I reckon if you'd been his wife he wouldn't be in this same mess now (not degrading her, but her attitude is obvious with not paying the mortgage). I truly believe that, and the reason I believe it, is because out of every couple one needs to manage the money well and you would be that person. It's obvious neither he NOR she were capable, so you need to make a choice based upon the fact he is like thousands - probably millions! in our country to be tormented by creditors because they offered him the credit in the first place.

W/regards to him being on a dating site - well that's upto you. I caught my husband talking to a woman online one night and he still suffers today for it :P (although now with jokes!) This was before we got married. It's very hard to trust again after seeing that sort of thing, and I think that's a personal choice you should make yourself without using other peoples opinions as a decision? The drink - again, only you will know if its something serious or not... and as far as drugs go? I'd just tell him that if I caught him on something I'd ring the police. But that's just me.

Whatever you do though will be the right choice for you. If you choose to stay with him, perhaps maybe get him to come and look at the forum and make him face up to what he's in the middle of, you can quell the storm per se. I've had a decade of bad money management and only now am I sorting it out (i'm 29) but there are thousands upon thousands of people who are in the same position as him hon.

Lastly, don't forget this is a debt forum. There are people here who know the inside out of money management, and no matter how good you are at it - there is ALWAYS something that hasn't been thought of by us that is posted up here. I reckon you should get him to come and register his own account if he is honestly wanting to sort his debt out. You might be surprised

GOOD LUCK!!

petrafyde

Just read the rest briefly - and wow.

Good on you for getting out of it, I hadn't seen that side of him when you posted initially. He's jealous! He has almost a decade on you, you're young, vibrant and better off financially than he is. Best rid if you're happy.

Take care.

simmmy_2

From your 1st post

Hi everyone,
I found out this weekend after living with my partner for 4 months and being together a year


Find another bloke ... don't take on his debt .. lose the loser.

Tricia_^^

Caroline, you sound so wise, thats your inner thoughts - you must follow them.

BUT, its going to hurt - hurt like crazy but in a couple of months, after you've done your crying and grieving for this sorry relationship - re-read these posts and you will see how far he brought you down.

So run Caroline run - as fast as your legs will go.
Wish all the best

caroline2675

Tricia_^^ wrote: »

Caroline, you sound so wise, thats your inner thoughts - you must follow them.

BUT, its going to hurt - hurt like crazy but in a couple of months, after you've done your crying and grieving for this sorry relationship - re-read these posts and you will see how far he brought you down.

So run Caroline run - as fast as your legs will go.
Wish all the best

Thank you so much again, this board is wonderful, seriously if it wasnt for you guys I reckon I would still be with him, and thats true! So all these replies I read everynight I have been posting this week and everytime I do I just revert back to here and it helps tremendously knowing I did the right thing in the end.

The other thing I have noticed is that I have spoken to many people whether at work, friends, online etc that have been through simliar, particularly female, they have met someone been with them years in fact and left with nothing and still the man has gone bankrupt 30 years later, they might meet someone else but then they are left in the same situation as before and on it goes yet again. Why does this happen, havent they learnt the hard way yet?

As I packed up at my parents last night, I get the texts throughout the moving process saying he is sorry, he is missing me and on it goes. Then one very last one last night at around 9pm when he gets in saying thanks for leaving the house tidy and he is missing me as always.

Since the first text yesterday I havent sent anything at all back and will keep that promise to myself if I can for the remainder of the time. What will be difficult however will be the contact at the gym where he will be and I wont be able to ignore but will have to because otherwise I can feel myself going backwards and then anger sets in. I truly believe once you are out, you are out for good!

thanks for your support, this weekend will be difficult but will be keeping myself busy for the majority of it until back at work the following week hopefully. As long as I am busy I will be fine!!

xx

Errata

Seeing him at the gym could be difficult for you. You need a plan for when that happens, like say nothing to him except 'hello' if he says 'hello' first. THEN SAY NOTHING. He won't be able to have any kind of conversation with you when he finds he's talking to himself, because you've walked away !
As with everything, the first time is the hardest, but it gets a lot easier very quickly, and you'll soon find you're saying to yourself "Blimey, what was he all about? I must have been totally barking to put up with all his nonsense".
Good luck and best wishes. Buy yourself a treat - because you most certainly are worth it!

caroline2675

Errata wrote: »

Seeing him at the gym could be difficult for you. You need a plan for when that happens, like say nothing to him except 'hello' if he says 'hello' first. THEN SAY NOTHING. He won't be able to have any kind of conversation with you when he finds he's talking to himself, because you've walked away !
As with everything, the first time is the hardest, but it gets a lot easier very quickly, and you'll soon find you're saying to yourself "Blimey, what was he all about? I must have been totally barking to put up with all his nonsense".
Good luck and best wishes. Buy yourself a treat - because you most certainly are worth it!

Bless you thanks very much, I think shopping might be one on the agenda followed by a house or flat next...lol but shopping being the sensible option to start with.....

I will try that, and you are right surely that would work!
take care
x