In desperate need of help, this is a mess?!?!

caroline2675

MrsTine wrote: »

Personally I don't see his mail as an attempt to make you feel guilty... However you obviously feel very angry and so the question is: Do you want to get back with him in any way shape or form?
If so be honest and tell him. If not then be honest and tell him that and ask him to please respect that if as he says he really loves you. Stop being bitter about it and move on with your life and if you really don't want him in your life then let go of the negative feelings as until you do you will NOT be able to move on. Ok he should have told you earlier. You're mad at him and that's understandable - whether you feel that it's enough to give up the relationship for or not - only you can decide that but you need to move on if that is what you decide and that means stop dwelling on the negative feelings you're hanging on to at the moment...

Thanks for your email, I think after a year its very difficult not to feel the way I do and its only been a few days since I have found out so my feelings are still fresh in my mind and only natural from what has happened, I am sure anyone else would be the same. Its very difficult to just move on straight away and forget it, and let go of the negativity overnight, this I cant justify ....being cold and not answering gives me time to think and also to not to come out with anything without thinking straight so it helps tremendously for me.

Sometimes pestering with emails makes matters worse, really what I want is someone honest from the start thats all really hence the anger, resentment and possible frustration built up and made me angry...!!

thanks x

dancingfairy

Really late to this thread but thought I would add my thoughts. Emotions aside what would you say to your best friend if she had said he had loads of debt (which he didn't take responsibility for), a drink problem, maybe done some drugs, and she'd caught him chatting to another women on the internet, and he was lying?
I don't think you would accept that for your best friend and I don't think you should accept it for yourself. If he was willing to make changes and could demonstrate that then that's a different story but until then, it's all just talk.
Oh and by the way I just reread your thread title - this is a mess - well to be honest you are doing really well you've got out to give yourself some breathing space, you've got friends and family supporting you and hobbies. Hopefully the space will help you make your decision in your own time and on your terms (not his).
Good Luck with it all
df x

Jesthar

Hi Caroline,

Thanks for keeping us updated!

I'd say MrsTine is right - you have to work out how you really feel about him. It's probably going to take some time, and it's definitely going to be painful, but it's better than shutting your emotions down completely for an extended period of time. Plus doing that just makes it all the more painful when you do get round to dealing with things. Don't worry, I'm not saying you shouldn't do it at all, as sometimes it is absolutely essential, just that you should try not to let it become a way of life.

Judging from your comments on his first e-mail and the second one you posted, Errata has a point too - even if he is not deliberately trying to make you feel guilty, his e-mails do seem to contain a lot of 'you're so lucky and I've got all these problems' comments. In fact, (and I may have missed something, I guess) in his second e-mail I am finding it challenging to find any 'no strings attached' references to 'you' - in other words, a reference to you which isn't either negative, or in some way relates back to him and his feelings/situation, or both. Now, granted, he's upset, but I guess would have hoped for at least some ackowledgement of how YOU must be feeling, or perhaps a sorry.

However, that's just my thoughts - ultimately you are the only one who can decide if there is a future in your relationship, taking into consideration what you know about hium and how he has treated you thus far. But remember you don't need to make that decision straight away - take your time, think about it, try and see past the immediate hurt of being lied to about his debt and consider everything which happened in the relationship as a whole. You might find it helps to write it down (negatives and positives) so you can see it in black and white. And dancingfairy also has some very good thoughts - consider it from another viewpoint and think what would you say to a friend in a similar situation.

Anyway, whatever you do, the important thing is that you do what is best for YOUR happiness, so keep positive!

~Jes

Errata

DancingFairy makes some good points. There's yet another way to look at this. Caroline, would he take you on if you had all the problems/debts etc he has and you were spending time browsing the net looking for blokes?

Emmzi

Tell him you will think about it AFTER HE HAS DONE SOMETHING - taken action, not yebbered on about maybe doing something one day.

Not that I believe he ever will do anything, so it's a safe bet. Talk's cheap.

caroline2675

Emmzi wrote: »

Tell him you will think about it AFTER HE HAS DONE SOMETHING - taken action, not yebbered on about maybe doing something one day.

Not that I believe he ever will do anything, so it's a safe bet. Talk's cheap.

You are so right, talk is cheap...why arent the actions always matching...lol

I saw him up the gym tonight, lo and behold, head was down and didnt look up once at me, even though emails are flying in ten to the dozen. Makes it a lot easier anyway.
Everyday I think about the full picture, right from the start, the lies, the behaviour the deceit and could I live with that for the rest of my life, and that was the beginning, I dont think so. I sit here feeling sometimes guilty but the other side isnt at all, he admitted what he did but what really really gets to me, like you all say, is the fact he hasnt even acknowledged a sorry what he has really done, instead its all about him, he has no family, he has nothing, well its a bit late now......I dont think he will ever change, if he did and I saw it, there in front of me, then that would be wonderful but part of me doesnt quite see it like that.......

I am keeping my head down at work, and the exercise helps tremendously. Anyone thinking of taking it up to relieve stress and emotions, its a hit with me!! :j

xx

surfwidow80

I just thought i'd share my experience with you, although on a slightly different angle. I think what you have done is def the right thing, as money problems can create all sorts of problems in other areas.

I was with my ex (childhood sweetheart)for 12 years up until recently, when he walked out. When we first starting living together in rented accom, he disclosed £10k worth of debt to me. I saved like mad for fees to buy somewhere ourselves, and agreed that he would concentrate on paying that debt off. 2 Years later, we bought our first house, which needed a great deal of work on it. Basically, we re-built the house, but I paid for a good 80 % of the work. I totally understand your feelings - i used to feel really frustrated that he never offered to pay for things for OUR house, and I started to resent him. I thought he was still paying the £10k debt off still.This manifolded itself in other areas of our relationship too. Anyway...to cut a very long story short, he went through a stage of drinking heavily, and was just awful. Then last year, he disclosed he was £35k in debt! Claimed he did not tell me as i would have left him. I stuck by him, because i loved him. He wanted me to take the debt off him and sort it out so that he wasnt going backwards which i did, but that meant having to give him a weekly wage. £11k was put onto the mortgage. He couldnt cope with it, saying i was like a mother, he couldnt do what he wanted to do! Then at the beginning of the year, he walked out on me, stating that his feelings towards me had changed. Nice! And to top it all off, is now with a girl he supposidly met just 3 weeks later!
I realise now that i was just a conveniance for him, and if you had entered into a mortgage with this man, you could have been stuck with his debt like i am now (he has decided to stop paying£11k worth of debt, which i am paying, ontop of all the mortgage, and looks like he'll be lumbering me with it too)He obviously felt inadequate, and has had to get an ego boost from somewhere else, as i doubt if she knows the half of it! I have looked back through the whole relationship over the years and realised it has been one big lie....very difficult to deal with. So getting out now, however difficult, i think is the right thing, because all sorts of problems can stem from someone who burries their head in the sand. And the lies and deceit eat you upo.My ex now sees his supposed half of the equity in the house as his easy way out (the law states he is entitled to this i believe) which obviously i feel very bitter about, knowing i sacraficed an awful lot in my life for his debt, for him just to walk away because life got too tough.

It will be difficult, but it could have been a whole lot worse......! I struggle onwards each day, and wonder how the hell he sleeps at night.....but as you said, its like they dont have a care in the world! Very best of luck to you. xxxxx

caroline2675

surfwidow80 wrote: »

I just thought i'd share my experience with you, although on a slightly different angle. I think what you have done is def the right thing, as money problems can create all sorts of problems in other areas.

I was with my ex (childhood sweetheart)for 12 years up until recently, when he walked out. When we first starting living together in rented accom, he disclosed £10k worth of debt to me. I saved like mad for fees to buy somewhere ourselves, and agreed that he would concentrate on paying that debt off. 2 Years later, we bought our first house, which needed a great deal of work on it. Basically, we re-built the house, but I paid for a good 80 % of the work. I totally understand your feelings - i used to feel really frustrated that he never offered to pay for things for OUR house, and I started to resent him. I thought he was still paying the £10k debt off still.This manifolded itself in other areas of our relationship too. Anyway...to cut a very long story short, he went through a stage of drinking heavily, and was just awful. Then last year, he disclosed he was £35k in debt! Claimed he did not tell me as i would have left him. I stuck by him, because i loved him. He wanted me to take the debt off him and sort it out so that he wasnt going backwards which i did, but that meant having to give him a weekly wage. £11k was put onto the mortgage. He couldnt cope with it, saying i was like a mother, he couldnt do what he wanted to do! Then at the beginning of the year, he walked out on me, stating that his feelings towards me had changed. Nice! And to top it all off, is now with a girl he supposidly met just 3 weeks later!
I realise now that i was just a conveniance for him, and if you had entered into a mortgage with this man, you could have been stuck with his debt like i am now (he has decided to stop paying£11k worth of debt, which i am paying, ontop of all the mortgage, and looks like he'll be lumbering me with it too)He obviously felt inadequate, and has had to get an ego boost from somewhere else, as i doubt if she knows the half of it! I have looked back through the whole relationship over the years and realised it has been one big lie....very difficult to deal with. So getting out now, however difficult, i think is the right thing, because all sorts of problems can stem from someone who burries their head in the sand. And the lies and deceit eat you upo.My ex now sees his supposed half of the equity in the house as his easy way out (the law states he is entitled to this i believe) which obviously i feel very bitter about, knowing i sacraficed an awful lot in my life for his debt, for him just to walk away because life got too tough.

It will be difficult, but it could have been a whole lot worse......! I struggle onwards each day, and wonder how the hell he sleeps at night.....but as you said, its like they dont have a care in the world! Very best of luck to you. xxxxx

Goodness I am terribly sorry to hear what you went through really I am. This sounds a tad familiar particulalry the convenience part as this was something my ex was always saying to me, "Jo I dont want a convenience relationship and think you are using me!"
oh that was a classic as I look back now, he thinks I should run back now, poems are being sent daily, silly emails asking if I have any feelings at all now and probably not and he doesnt understand why not, oh please spare me....

This sounds familar yes, but I tell you what, if he has buried his head in the sand with someone else so soon, the poor thing might have money and another scenario might happen with her you just never know. these men just dont want the hassle so they move to another one hoping that might help, bit like a debt really...I guess, lets just have another credit card that will solve things....or another loan, they dont know any better.

But luckily you are out of this and I guess you will never go with someone else like this again, mind you its always hard to know what they dont have going on behind your back until you see it for yourself...I saw the letters, the bills, the calls, the credit cards, the paperwork, you name it something wasnt right and he admitted he buried his head in the sand thats the worse of it all.

He doesnt care, these men just care about themselves but I truly believe it will bite them in the backside one day. Mine is annoyed as I have family and he makes out he doesnt have anything......well wait until he finds someone else to sort him out, poor girl thats all I have to say!!

I hope you are ok and you will be fine too, take each day as it comes like I am and seriously throw yourself into lots of different things, please dont be bitter.....you know its not your fault xx

Emmzi

Well done for not talking in the gym. That was amazingly cool of you, and better than I'd have been!

Smashing

caroline2675 wrote: »

ahhhhhhhh a drink anyone?

Only if it's going over his head.
Talk about playing the victim. :rolleyes: