In desperate need of help, this is a mess?!?!

caroline2675

Many thanks for all your replies I truly appreciate all your help, really I do.

Last night the bags are packed and someone with a van is coming around today to take all my things away back to my parents house where I will stay for a few weeks until I decide what to do next.
Last night was painful, he questions me, saying that I should never have looked in my emails, and that I am no saint either in that department. But if I hadnt I wouldnt have seen what I did re drugs, emails to women and the likes, He said he was never unfaithful to me and never would be but just sent an email to these people. Fine but at least admit he was on there as I caught him there red handed! he says he looked into mine recently and I said what did you see, he said no I was joking I was just testing you to see your reaction....you what??? what was all that about, I said look stop playing mind games with me he said I was too, at the end of the day this relationship had nothing to offer right from the start so arguing isnt getting us anywhere in the slightest as we keep on going around in circles.

I said there is no grounding for this relationship at all, my parents or more like my mum knew dad was a good breadwinner or more like stable so she could start a family and 40 years on there are still together with no worries. But with my partner we dont have this at all, what happened is that he is making me feel insecure, up and down, changing jobs, money worries, emails, flirting, drugs in the past, drink in the past which makes me stop and think that really I cant trust him at all. He admitted we dont have any grounding at all and said that we can build up on something now for the future, but what?

As he is now paying £522 a month to clear all debts ie all the 31k of the loans, I am not sure how long this is paid out for but on top of that he has his £1490 mortgage payment, £465 car and £369 for the remortgage on the house at the moment. So he said once the house sells, once the car sells all he will be paying is this £522 a month but then he will also be able to pay off more as he wont have the mortgage nor the car to be paying off. But I said, wait a minute here, he still has to buy another place or rent, he said yes and that he would need to pay an additional £700 or so for rent plus bills so that is around £1500 which includes his debt collectors monthly payments, so he would have quite a bit left over. So even if he lived on his own for a few months in rented accommodation he could still bail himself out for his own good. The worst of it all he goes on to say that really I should be sticking by him in the bad times and he would do the same for me, its like I shouldnt be running away, but he then goes on to admit that if he told me at the beginning re the money I wouldnt be with him, yes thats correct!....so we are in a no win situation!!

So he then goes on to say, well its ok for you, you can stay at your parents house, save even more money and get what you want, you have been staying here rent free, (I havent, I have paid food and bills which he would never let me pay and I had to drag it from him in the end) he said why cant we just rent together after the house is sold and start again, but I dont think he realises that life doesnt work like that. He says then that after I leave I will be straight back on that dating site looking for someone new, then goes on to say am I seeing someone at work, on the phone when I work late at night or at the gym, seriously its all to do with money nothing about me wanting to see anyone else.

He says if it wasnt for the money worries would I still be with him, I said yes but then he would be a different person and no doubt he would have married someone else in the past as well. He said he bought the house with his ex with no intentions of marrying, so what was the deal?

I dunno, I sit here today at work, completely shattered and restless and realising that I have to do something. I hear stories like this on the phone all the time, the woman leaves, he begs for her back and then goes and gets himself together with someone else, thinking of himself again and off he goes, forgetting all the mistakes, but thats his problem not mine.

I am not looking forward to being single, but hey I have been there before, have a great set of friends thankfully and family so hopefully this will keep me sane for a while, alongside my sport, gym and horse riding, otherwise I might just crack up!!

He is begging at the moment for me to stay, he knows once I go, I am out of there for good and there is no going back so I have to make sure I have made the right decisoin for me and nobody else. Sometimes in life I just feel at times like this I am not strong enough, I feel I have failed again in another relationshipo for not seeing the wood for the trees, hey ho as I always say...at least I have my health and family around me, where he grudges that at all times.

I guess if I didnt, perhaps I would be working things out better for ourselves but for some reason I am finding it hard to see it like that and can only see the negative.

Thanks again
x

Errata

You are not to blame, but he's doing his utmost to make it seem that everything is your fault. It isn't. All he can promise is jam tomorrow - he's away with the fairies ! That doesn't mean you're completely without blame but perhaps your only fault in all this is that you've been far too tolerant and forgiving which has dragged the relationship out for a bit longer.
We all make mistakes, that's how we learn. You've learned from this what you expect from a partner and what is unacceptable and this will stand you in good stead.
You have your friends, family, horse riding, gym, sport, all are excellent foundations for a life well lived. Enjoy it. I wish you well.

Loretta

caroline2675 wrote: »

Many thanks for all your replies I truly appreciate all your help, really I do.

Last night the bags are packed and someone with a van is coming around today to take all my things away back to my parents house where I will stay for a few weeks until I decide what to do next.
Last night was painful, he questions me, saying that I should never have looked in my emails, and that I am no saint either in that department. But if I hadnt I wouldnt have seen what I did re drugs, emails to women and the likes, He said he was never unfaithful to me and never would be but just sent an email to these people. Fine but at least admit he was on there as I caught him there red handed! he says he looked into mine recently and I said what did you see, he said no I was joking I was just testing you to see your reaction....you what??? what was all that about, I said look stop playing mind games with me he said I was too, at the end of the day this relationship had nothing to offer right from the start so arguing isnt getting us anywhere in the slightest as we keep on going around in circles.

I said there is no grounding for this relationship at all, my parents or more like my mum knew dad was a good breadwinner or more like stable so she could start a family and 40 years on there are still together with no worries. But with my partner we dont have this at all, what happened is that he is making me feel insecure, up and down, changing jobs, money worries, emails, flirting, drugs in the past, drink in the past which makes me stop and think that really I cant trust him at all. He admitted we dont have any grounding at all and said that we can build up on something now for the future, but what?

As he is now paying £522 a month to clear all debts ie all the 31k of the loans, I am not sure how long this is paid out for but on top of that he has his £1490 mortgage payment, £465 car and £369 for the remortgage on the house at the moment. So he said once the house sells, once the car sells all he will be paying is this £522 a month but then he will also be able to pay off more as he wont have the mortgage nor the car to be paying off. But I said, wait a minute here, he still has to buy another place or rent, he said yes and that he would need to pay an additional £700 or so for rent plus bills so that is around £1500 which includes his debt collectors monthly payments, so he would have quite a bit left over. So even if he lived on his own for a few months in rented accommodation he could still bail himself out for his own good. The worst of it all he goes on to say that really I should be sticking by him in the bad times and he would do the same for me, its like I shouldnt be running away, but he then goes on to admit that if he told me at the beginning re the money I wouldnt be with him, yes thats correct!....so we are in a no win situation!!

So he then goes on to say, well its ok for you, you can stay at your parents house, save even more money and get what you want, you have been staying here rent free, (I havent, I have paid food and bills which he would never let me pay and I had to drag it from him in the end) he said why cant we just rent together after the house is sold and start again, but I dont think he realises that life doesnt work like that. He says then that after I leave I will be straight back on that dating site looking for someone new, then goes on to say am I seeing someone at work, on the phone when I work late at night or at the gym, seriously its all to do with money nothing about me wanting to see anyone else.

He says if it wasnt for the money worries would I still be with him, I said yes but then he would be a different person and no doubt he would have married someone else in the past as well. He said he bought the house with his ex with no intentions of marrying, so what was the deal?

I dunno, I sit here today at work, completely shattered and restless and realising that I have to do something. I hear stories like this on the phone all the time, the woman leaves, he begs for her back and then goes and gets himself together with someone else, thinking of himself again and off he goes, forgetting all the mistakes, but thats his problem not mine.

I am not looking forward to being single, but hey I have been there before, have a great set of friends thankfully and family so hopefully this will keep me sane for a while, alongside my sport, gym and horse riding, otherwise I might just crack up!!

He is begging at the moment for me to stay, he knows once I go, I am out of there for good and there is no going back so I have to make sure I have made the right decisoin for me and nobody else. Sometimes in life I just feel at times like this I am not strong enough, I feel I have failed again in another relationshipo for not seeing the wood for the trees, hey ho as I always say...at least I have my health and family around me, where he grudges that at all times.

I guess if I didnt, perhaps I would be working things out better for ourselves but for some reason I am finding it hard to see it like that and can only see the negative.

Thanks again
x

I am going to try and answer all your points as you have written them. First of all don't forget that a relationship is two peope who enjoy each other's company and want to be together and want to be happy and make each other happy, it is that simple and it does not have to be complicated, look at your parents. What is in it for him and what is in it for you. For him there is a chance to have you along with your expertise with money, no complications or difficulties, someone who can help him, maybe, get his finances straight, that is if he really wants to and why should he, he could just carry on has he has all his life, spending what he wants, having what he wants and not paying for it. Just in case he can't convince you to stay he is keeping his options open and looking at dating sites in case he needs to replace you quickly rather than go out and about and spend some time and effort and spending some money on building a relationship with someone else. I am not being nasty that is how it looks to me.

What is in this relationship for you. You have a job and secure finances and a future. You are not failing in a relationship you have realised quite early on that this man is not what you thought he was, he is not how he has presented himself to you and he has deceived you, luckily you have found out in time before your finances have been joined in any way, or you have been conned into paying off his debts while he, behind your back, runs up some more and looks on dating sites, or you have had children with him and tied to him forever. You have been sensible and mature and spotted this loser for what he is. These sort of men can be very charming and attractive, that is how they manage to behave as they do. You have spotted this in good time so he has not managed to con you. That s a success not a failure

What are all those questions about, looking at your emails, not looking at your emails, just joking about it, who cares, what silly nonsense! what a lot of drivel, I would rather spend the time catching up with the ironing not wasting my time on all that rubbish. Have you ever heard your parents having a silly conversation like this?

So you could move into rented accomodation, presumably using your good credit rating to find somewhere and he could have you paying all the bills and then he could either pay off his debts and they do sound huge, or run up some more. Why would you want to be involved with this? He is 41 and has spent his life doing this, is he going to change? really is he going to? and why should he? He could then find someone on a dating site and move on debt free thanks to you. Previous girlfreinds, I presume have lived the high life with him and helped him spend all this money and now you have got the good bit, a 41 year old man with huge debts and you can have the worry of going without and paying them off, does that sound good or fair?

Yes it is OK for you, you can stay with your parents and save some more money, that is your choice, you can do anything you like because you are not up to your eyeballs in debt. He may need a quick replacement but you can take your time and choose someone more carefully if you want to, it really has nothing to do with him. You have great friends and family, interests that you enjoy and you could afford a good holiday and some sun to get away from this loser and his nonsense!

You have not failed, you have very successfully seen the wood for the trees!
You are not prepared to settle for someone who is not good enough for you. You could have ignored all this and carried on with him if you were a different sort of person but you are not. You have your family for support, why hasn't he? have they got fed up with him too? he is living a different lifestyle to you, he made that choice and this is how he ended up and is now 41 and has realised that maybe it wasn't such a good choice, but that is up to him. It doesn't mean that you have to go in a bail him out, it would be really good for him if you did but it would be a disater for you. It shows what he is like if he resents your good relationship with your family, he doesn't want the best for you, he wants to moan and feel hard done by and make you feel guilty.

You are at work feeling shattered, confused and unhappy, why are you wasting your time worrying about someone who makes you feel like this? You are moving out, let that be the end of it, life really is too short. It can be quite simple, you just make his nonsense disappear, you just walk away, that's it, over, finished. There are loads of men like this, if you decide that you do really like being with a loser who is deceitfull etc you can easily find another one there are plenty about! Or you could take your time, learn from this experience and find someone who will make you happy without all this rubbish going on, there are some out there, you are quite catch don't settle for a loser

I think you are about the same age as my daughter and like your Mum I would be really worried about your situation and concerned that you a making a mistake which would make you very unhappy for the rest of your life, I bet she is bursting to say this but trying not to interfere so I am saying it instead. I have seen on several occasions my daughter's girlfriends, professional women with good jobs and their own houses fall for men like this and all the trouble it has caused, there seems to be a trend for this,

You are worth far more than this, listen to your parents, they want what is best for you and are there to help you.

Good luck and let us know how you get on

NAR

caroline2675 wrote: »

Sometimes in life I just feel at times like this I am not strong enough, I feel I have failed again in another relationshipo for not seeing the wood for the trees, hey ho as I always say...at least I have my health and family around me, where he grudges that at all times.

What rubbish, he wove such a web of deceit to ensure you didn't see what was really going on. There are decent, honest guys out there and hopefully your next one will be one of the good guys!

caroline2675

Loretta wrote: »

I am going to try and answer all your points as you have written them. First of all don't forget that a relationship is two peope who enjoy each other's company and want to be together and want to be happy and make each other happy, it is that simple and it does not have to be complicated, look at your parents. What is in it for him and what is in it for you. For him there is a chance to have you along with your expertise with money, no complications or difficulties, someone who can help him, maybe, get his finances straight, that is if he really wants to and why should he, he could just carry on has he has all his life, spending what he wants, having what he wants and not paying for it. Just in case he can't convince you to stay he is keeping his options open and looking at dating sites in case he needs to replace you quickly rather than go out and about and spend some time and effort and spending some money on building a relationship with someone else. I am not being nasty that is how it looks to me.

What is in this relationship for you. You have a job and secure finances and a future. You are not failing in a relationship you have realised quite early on that this man is not what you thought he was, he is not how he has presented himself to you and he has deceived you, luckily you have found out in time before your finances have been joined in any way, or you have been conned into paying off his debts while he, behind your back, runs up some more and looks on dating sites, or you have had children with him and tied to him forever. You have been sensible and mature and spotted this loser for what he is. These sort of men can be very charming and attractive, that is how they manage to behave as they do. You have spotted this in good time so he has not managed to con you. That s a success not a failure

What are all those questions about, looking at your emails, not looking at your emails, just joking about it, who cares, what silly nonsense! what a lot of drivel, I would rather spend the time catching up with the ironing not wasting my time on all that rubbish. Have you ever heard your parents having a silly conversation like this?

So you could move into rented accomodation, presumably using your good credit rating to find somewhere and he could have you paying all the bills and then he could either pay off his debts and they do sound huge, or run up some more. Why would you want to be involved with this? He is 41 and has spent his life doing this, is he going to change? really is he going to? and why should he? He could then find someone on a dating site and move on debt free thanks to you. Previous girlfreinds, I presume have lived the high life with him and helped him spend all this money and now you have got the good bit, a 41 year old man with huge debts and you can have the worry of going without and paying them off, does that sound good or fair?

Yes it is OK for you, you can stay with your parents and save some more money, that is your choice, you can do anything you like because you are not up to your eyeballs in debt. He may need a quick replacement but you can take your time and choose someone more carefully if you want to, it really has nothing to do with him. You have great friends and family, interests that you enjoy and you could afford a good holiday and some sun to get away from this loser and his nonsense!

You have not failed, you have very successfully seen the wood for the trees!
You are not prepared to settle for someone who is not good enough for you. You could have ignored all this and carried on with him if you were a different sort of person but you are not. You have your family for support, why hasn't he? have they got fed up with him too? he is living a different lifestyle to you, he made that choice and this is how he ended up and is now 41 and has realised that maybe it wasn't such a good choice, but that is up to him. It doesn't mean that you have to go in a bail him out, it would be really good for him if you did but it would be a disater for you. It shows what he is like if he resents your good relationship with your family, he doesn't want the best for you, he wants to moan and feel hard done by and make you feel guilty.

You are at work feeling shattered, confused and unhappy, why are you wasting your time worrying about someone who makes you feel like this? You are moving out, let that be the end of it, life really is too short. It can be quite simple, you just make his nonsense disappear, you just walk away, that's it, over, finished. There are loads of men like this, if you decide that you do really like being with a loser who is deceitfull etc you can easily find another one there are plenty about! Or you could take your time, learn from this experience and find someone who will make you happy without all this rubbish going on, there are some out there, you are quite catch don't settle for a loser

I think you are about the same age as my daughter and like your Mum I would be really worried about your situation and concerned that you a making a mistake which would make you very unhappy for the rest of your life, I bet she is bursting to say this but trying not to interfere so I am saying it instead. I have seen on several occasions my daughter's girlfriends, professional women with good jobs and their own houses fall for men like this and all the trouble it has caused, there seems to be a trend for this,

You are worth far more than this, listen to your parents, they want what is best for you and are there to help you.

Good luck and let us know how you get on

Your words are wisdom are very encouraging which is something I needed to do, the nice thing is, this weekend I am away with friends and next week tennis, and looking into a skiing holiday back end of this year so things are looking promising already which for me is a sense of relief thanks to my friends most definitely.

My mum is relieved a little dissappointed like I am as well but my dad who is away at the moment doesnt as of yet know so that could be interesting, another "oh god another move" comment might be thrown in my direction no doubt.....bless him, he knows me too well. I think after this, I will most definitely be questioning everything, I feel someone with charm always gets the better of me but its the mucking about all the time which clearly doesnt and will not get in my way. I think this month in particular will be interesting and he throws comments of me being on a website straight away, interesting enough you know who will be desperate to find another person to fall into the arms of to clear up his troubles...him and he will be on the site, but really I dont care to be honest and its his life!!

What he is really annoyed about is the fact that I can just leave, prepare myself, get another place and start again without pretending to be anything at all, whereas for him, its a little different and also what his plan is (as he made out I had one...) is the find someone to sort this out for him, who is to say once the debt is cleared completely he can then jet set off again, do what he wants and on it goes to the next poor person!?!?! what a mess...

He is still texting being silly as always, hoping I am not halfway up the road with my things in tow already packed....well to be honest I am already out of here, what does he expect?

thank you you have been a great help!
xx

Emmzi

um, didn't he text you just yuesterday to say it was your decision, he'd resoect that, he wasn't going to beg you to stay?

pants on fire...

get you and your cash away from him asap! Single with self respect and knowing your own true worth is ALWAYS better than stuck with someone you can't trust.

Primrose

You are desperate for an answer, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here where you are going to get advice from people who don't know you and have no personal agenda. I'm so sorry for the state in which you find yourself. It does sound like decision time. Either you continue to live with and support this man who has been deceitful and dishonest with you about money, or you cut yourself adrift and give yourself an opportunity to rebuild your life with somebody who is worthy of you. By the time I'd finished reading your post I was asking myself "Why on earth is she still living with him? How many more times is he going to let her down, be dishonest with her, etc?" This recession is going to get much worse very soon. Do you really want him to drag you down with him?

Loretta

caroline2675 wrote: »

Your words are wisdom are very encouraging which is something I needed to do, the nice thing is, this weekend I am away with friends and next week tennis, and looking into a skiing holiday back end of this year so things are looking promising already which for me is a sense of relief thanks to my friends most definitely.

My mum is relieved a little dissappointed like I am as well but my dad who is away at the moment doesnt as of yet know so that could be interesting, another "oh god another move" comment might be thrown in my direction no doubt.....bless him, he knows me too well. I think after this, I will most definitely be questioning everything, I feel someone with charm always gets the better of me but its the mucking about all the time which clearly doesnt and will not get in my way. I think this month in particular will be interesting and he throws comments of me being on a website straight away, interesting enough you know who will be desperate to find another person to fall into the arms of to clear up his troubles...him and he will be on the site, but really I dont care to be honest and its his life!!

What he is really annoyed about is the fact that I can just leave, prepare myself, get another place and start again without pretending to be anything at all, whereas for him, its a little different and also what his plan is (as he made out I had one...) is the find someone to sort this out for him, who is to say once the debt is cleared completely he can then jet set off again, do what he wants and on it goes to the next poor person!?!?! what a mess...

He is still texting being silly as always, hoping I am not halfway up the road with my things in tow already packed....well to be honest I am already out of here, what does he expect?

thank you you have been a great help!
xx

Someone with charm gets the better of all of us!!

You knew what you were going to do all along, you sound too sensible to do anything else. As soon as you decided your life began to change straight away. I am so pleased for you and the very best of luck, the next few days will be hard but then it will get so much easier for you

God, I bet your Mum is relieved!

Loretta

NAR wrote: »

What rubbish, he wove such a web of deceit to ensure you didn't see what was really going on. There are decent, honest guys out there and hopefully your next one will be one of the good guys!

and she still saw through it all, what a clever girl, we know she will be OK don't we?

Errata

Charming people are lovely, but only if they're charming and honourable. Those who aren't are confidence tricksters.
Enjoy your ski-ing - you're now free as a bird, which once you get used to it again will be wonderful.