In desperate need of help, this is a mess?!?!

caroline2675

Hi everyone,
I found out this weekend after living with my partner for 4 months and being together a year how much debt he is in now. I asked him if was telling me everything and he said he was but no after he drafted a spreadsheet with everything outstanding, and I can tell you that I was totally shocked to see what it was in total.

He has 6 credit cards, adding up to around £12k then he has an additional £20k from a remortgage years ago that he is still paying off, he said he was offered the loan, and didnt really need it but used it over 3-5 years and now still owes it back after all these years. So there are 7 loans to pay off. Additional to this £32k worry, he also has a house to sell which is mortgaged for £239k which includes another remortgage loan of £35k which is split from him and his partner she sometimes or more like never pays her fair share as she doesnt live in the house anymore. Alongside this, he also has a car to sell which is on a balloon payment and is costing him £475 a month, and needs to sell this for 16k so he can at least make a 1k out of this as now he has a free petrol card and company car which makes a huge difference.

We are trying to sell this house which is tied with his ex as well and both are desperate to sell. He has dropped from £310 to £255k but there is nothing around at the moment and nobody will buy - tough market as we know out there.

However this weekend I have been feeling somewhat depressed, frustrated and almost at a low knowing he has £30k hanging over him. I asked him how he can sleep at night and where this money has gone over the years, he said he cant remember, drink, holidays, clothes, going out etc.......I am still overwhelmed to this day......He use to get these lovely bonuses which he would spend on holidays straight out, and now we have this huge problem which is making me feel resentful, betrayed, lied to and the list goes on.

I have said I will still pay the bills ie tax, water, electricity etc while I am living here with him but not the mortgage payments. I already have a flat rented out at the moment which is ticking along nicely with no worries at all.....but this is hanging over me re his house, his payments and his loans....its horrendous and to be honest the worst I have ever encountered. This has got worse since the ex left in Oct last year, she use to share the mortgage, but the 7 loans I wasnt aware of and I reckon neither was she or it could be the reason why she bailed out in time, I really dont know. What worries me is he wants to buy a house with me after his sells or move back into my flat while he pays off his debts, something I am not willing to do, because I feel used then, and he then goes on to say when we argue around this, that he is being used????? for what....me living with him helping him, surely there isnto any logic in that at all.

I cant stop arguing with him around this, everynight and feel sick to the stomach because of it and its ruining our relationship, my feelings towards him and total disgust as well, more anger than anything else. He said he didnt tell me in Feb time because of the fear and he didtn tell his parents either. All throughout the relationship he has been really carefree and like "oh well cest la vie" and always happy, mucking about and this is now whats getting under my skin, like this doesnt bother him!" - how can he be like this?

If my parents knew how much he had, they would tell me I think to leave and not to get involved...I am worried too....by the way he is 41 years of age!

I am only 33 and feel for once in my life, its getting on track but being with him re money, I feel I am going backwards....he loves me dearly, cooks for me, is always there, doesnt go out anymore or drink for that matter and now he is wanting to settle and prove this life to me that he is a good person which I know he is, its just the money?!?!?

The first 3 months of our relationship was difficult, he was out on the drink the frist month and its was awful he was completely off his trolley, oblivious to me being there and ended up being quite ill and aggressive to others which was embarrassing. The next day he was ill, couldnt remember getting back to the hotel to me and I left him. We got back together, 2 months later I catch him on an internet dating site browing, and emailing someone at that time we were in a good relationship near Christmas or so I thought......he goes on to say that at that time he nearly threw in the towel with us because of my emotional outbursts towards him even though it was clearly his fault

its been a grudge to get this out of him and more like a whole year and he told me that there wasnt anything to tell me then when I see another reloan of £20k to hand he said he told me about this, yes he did but NOT the amount in hand, this has been going back for years, at least 10 and he has only paid off 7k approx.

He has missed already 3 mortgage payments this year back in Feb time which his parents lent him £6k for and his car was missed already as well and was taken away, he was told to pay what he owed which was 2k and again he asked his parents as he needed his car. So his parents have bailed him out, I havent given him any money and glad I havent either. He was forced by me and his parents to sell his house which seriously he didnt want to because he was hoping to get another loan to pay off his ex of £40k would you believe so the house was in his name? this loan was rejected back in February time by this stage I found out about an email he sent to a friend saying something along the lines of drugs but clearly he didnt end up going out that time and did nothing instead. So with both these I left again. This time he begs for me back, me not knowing the loan didnt go through, and he didnt pay his mortgage either? So here was are now in a worse off situation with the house on the market as well.How long will this go on for I really dont know :mad:

The next step is for us to rent together after the house is sold, but for me I might just buy myself and he can live with me, I am not getting myself attached in any financial situation. I said he needs to prove to me he is capable of working through these finances and that after that once its done we can then get a mortgage together. The other suggestion was to get in contact with a debt counsellor and IVA which will consolidate all his loans toether before going bankrupt, he said he will never lower himself to bankruptcy - ?!?!
thanks for reading - please help? xxx

MrsTinks

Either you love him enough to work through the debt with him or you don't - you have to make that choice. Once you have then if you want to stay together post a full SOA on the debt free wannabe board. If not then do him the favour of giving him the link when you leave.
wives and husbands hide much worse debt from eachother than this and manage to get through it - because they love each other. If you feel that you love him enough then it's entirely possible to get through it - if not... Move out.

skintchick

I second MrsTine. personally I'd get out - you don;t sound like you want to be with him and I'm concerned about the drinking you mention.

Errata

TBH reading what you've written - he's not the catch of the year. He's dishonest, a spendthrift, drinks, has anger management problems, possible drug problem, browsing the net for women, blaming you for all and sundry. He's 41 years old and his lifestyle is chaotic. Doesn't look pomising.
What do you want your future to look like? Do you want to be worried about money, credit rating, deceit and irresponsibility for perhaps a great many years to come ? A few cooked dinners are neither here nor there - don't you also cook for him ?He says he loves you - talk is cheap but behaviour reveals feelings, and of course he would say that wouldn't he ?
Only you can decide. Only you can know if you're backing a winner, or a loser.
Good luck - you have some hard decisions to make

belfastgirl23

I would think you need relationship counselling asap to see whether you want to invest any more energy in this relationship. Do you think he's being straight with you now? Has he had a real lightbulb moment about all this or is he just dumping it on you? What was your agreement after the dating website thing? And indeed has he done away with the worrying drinking?

If all these issues are still continuing as well as the debt, it's hard to see how you can work something out...

pinkshoes

I cannot stress how important financial compatibility is in a couple, and without it, the relationship can often be screwed from the start, or end up doomed. SO many people look over this important factor, so well done for addressing it now.

Personally, I'd call it a day, because there is no way I could ever be attracted to someone with such terrible financial sense. If he's 41, I think it's unlikely he's going to change, and rule number 1 in relationship is that you should never try and change a person.

I can't believe he's left it this long to tell you something so important.

You also said the first 3 months with him were rocky, which isn't exactly a great start to a relationship!

You're 33. Do you want to spend the rest of your life tied to someone with debts and bad spending habits, who will potentially ruin your credit rating? Are you planning on having kids???

If my partner of 4 years suddenly confessed to having a £30k debt, I would give him 2 options; he could stay, and pass over ALL his finances to me, so I receive his salary, issue him with a small weekly allowance, and use the rest to pay off his debts. OR, he could leave, and the relationship would be over.

It's about trust. Your partner has kept you in the dark over something huge. That's not fair.

*Louise*

Tbh, it really doesn't sound like you think very much of him.

In the end it's HIS problem. You can either help him or walk away, at least you're not financially linked in any way.

If you choose to help him, then good luck and I hope he discovers his Lightbulb Moment very soon!

nic2075

It sounds to me like your mind is pretty much made up, but you obviously still have feelings for him that are holding you back. Id personaly leave, as a previous poster said it is unlikely that he'll change now. There is also serious trust issues on many fronts. It sounds like you are taking all of this onboard yourself, and he isnt bothering, youll make yourself ill hunny. Like you say your getting your life on track and have your own flat. Id leave him and tell him if he gets his finances , and himself sorted , and your still interested then you can talk about having a relationship.

chattycathyuk

I’m not here to judge or tell you what to do i can only share with you what I’ve experienced,

first off all I’d like to point out the fact that he’s already been hiding things from you, ok could be because he’s ashamed but the fact he’s hiding things now tell you something. Ask yourself will he always hide things from you?

And Why should you sort out his problems, whiles he buries his head in the sand, not like you had all the fun spending the money is it!

He’s not learning by his mistakes, he’s always had his ex, you and his family to sort out his mess! This is why he carries on doing it.

My husband was very like him, I was only 22 when my husband deceived to get us into debt, I did all the worrying and he didn’t have a care in the world! he would go to bed, soon as his head touched the pillow, he was asleep like a baby, whiles I cried worrying how I was going to find money to feed our baby.

if i was you Hun i so wouldn’t move in with him, i would stay as you are and make him sort out his debts, and tell him when he has, you can both start a fresh together, end of the day you have to make the decide no one else!


Hope you get it sorted Hun.

caroline2675

chattycathyuk wrote: »

I’m not here to judge or tell you what to do i can only share with you what I’ve experienced,

first off all I’d like to point out the fact that he’s already been hiding things from you, ok could be because he’s ashamed but the fact he’s hiding things now tell you something. Ask yourself will he always hide things from you?

And Why should you sort out his problems, whiles he buries his head in the sand, not like you had all the fun spending the money is it! Don’t end up like me hun!

He’s not learning by his mistakes, he’s always had his ex, you and his family to sort out his mess! This is why he carries on doing it.

My husband was very like him, I was only 22 when my husband deceived to get us into debt, I did all the worrying and he didn’t have a care in the world! he would go to bed, soon as his head touched the pillow, he was asleep like a baby, whiles I cried worrying how I was going to find money to feed our baby.

I use to ended up leading money on his behalf and then he lent 2k of his parent and blow that too, guess who paid it back???

Every time I’d go the bank he was 2k overdraw, and then have a go at me when I asked for shopping money he use to say “ where the hell you think i can get shopping money from?” MMM your wages, what wages he already spent them on Xbox game, DVD, computer, tarting up his sports car . I use to look at him with hate! I had a new born baby and no money, whiles he spent every penny on rubbish.

I also caught my husband on the internet looking for women, back then the internet was new and i didn’t have a clue how to use a computer, but when he was at work and the baby was asleep, i use to teach myself, god job too! i found, !!!!!! sites, website where he placed a profile which stated” I’m looking for no string sex!!!!” Well he swore on all are life’s he didn’t do it till 8 years later, I knew he did it I’m not soft.

My husband was a non stop lier and after you have been lied to so many times, you are always watching your back and you can’t never trust what they say or do.

Anyways after living with him for 8 years i decided i wanted out, there was abuse and drinking abuse involved by this stage., i waited for 2 years on the housing and got that call i was waiting for, i was over the moon. i was so stressed and worn out I couldn’t fight anymore, i just wanted to move out and get goodnight sleep.
When he found out i was leaving, he went mad! he said he wouldn’t sell the house! And he would fight me all the way, unless I let him come too! I was like noway! Your the reason im going!told me the reason he was acting this way was because he was stressed, swore live would change for good, on his knees crying, love you, i cant live without you etc So i told a lie and said yes he could stay just to get the house sold and keep the peace!


Ok so House got sold and i moved out, i told him, i didn’t want him to come with us, i wanted to sort my life out and look after our son in peace, however he played the pitty game on me and sat outside my new house crying, like it was all my fault, no one loved him, so alone etc, you ask “ how did he know where i moved too?” he followed me from my mums oneday anyways the silly sod im i let him in, well that was it! Changed into a new man, cleaning them, putting wallpaper up, you name it! I really did think that he had seen the light. House money was split between us, he had his i had mine, so next task was to see if he would keep his promise and look after his money for our future!

He stayed with me things where good for a while, till i had to sit there and watch him blow the lot again! Slowly but shortly it was all gone again, I didn’t say a word, i just let him do it, at the ended of the day he has to learn and I’m not his mum. Well he’s right back to square one now and has also let me down again! Once the money was gone his moods came back. he started drinking again! More this time, Half litre of whiskey a night and me, well i got the ear bashing till 3am most nights.

I’ve kicked him out hundreds of times and then he plays on mine and my little boys feeling sitting outside our house, sleeps in the car on the drive, I’ve called the police but they only moved him on, he is now back again acting like nothing wrong and the pass should be lefted in the past, how can it when he still acting like that person??

Ive just give up fighting, really worse you out, the doctors have offered me anti depressions, I don’t want them! I want a normal life, where two people work together and fight for what they believe in, not alot to ask is it?

My husband did seeked counselling, and has stopped drinking now but it’s only been 2 week! I have swore to myself time and time again, i wouldn’t let him back in, but i do, i feel sorry for him plus it’s like he’s got two different personalities, it’s very hard living with someone like this, the lies hurts, you feel very alone and trapped, but for some reason you always feel sorry for them and i don’t know why!

I’ve asked him why are you like this, why don’t you worry, his answer is i have expensive taste! Lol, don’t we all! I have to be fair to him, he has stopped drinking and he isn’t spending at the moment, but if only been 2 weeks and i can only hold my breath! Deep down i know hes going to do it again. the sad fact is i know why he does if over again because hes never had to learn by the misakes hes made, because im still here fixing them for him!!!

if i was you Hun i so wouldn’t move in with him, i would stay as you are and make him sort out his debts, and tell him when he has, you can both start a fresh together, end of the day you have to make the decide no one else!


Hope you get it sorted Hun.

Hi there everyone and particularly to ChattyCathyUK, thats a very long post you sent me so really appreciate your help.

I am finding this really difficult as you can all imagine and after reading your posts and realising I am not in this alone I can understand everyone's concern.

The main problem I am trying to face here is will he ever change, after chatting to someone here at work as well she mentioned her dad was like that and he ended up giving his wife all his money so all bills were paid on time, however in the end she was doing all the work around the house, he just gave up as she ran around after him, and he ended up having an affair with someone else and just left her after 10 years of his wife putting up with this, so she felt used and totally resentful in the end.
This is my biggest fear and will it change after so many years as well which I doubt very much it will do.

There is something my mum use to say to me when I first met him and it was that he was shifty.sly and hiding someone, as you cant be happy all the time in life and not confront responsibility and pretend life is like that. She noticed this in my partner and thought something wasnt right which is what I am trying to say as well and realising it.

Last night, again we didtn talk and I raised my concerns, he has since then spoken to the debt management consultancy and they have managed to condense his payments he owns ie 30k worth and consolidated this to £522 per month over so many years which cuts out the interest and clears all the payments so they dont pester him going forward.

I have seen this been set up and seen the letter however it doesnt stop me from feeling worse about it all.

He hasnt even shown any upset over this, apart from text messages this morning begging to take him back, saying he is sorry and realised his mistakes and wont be doing it again.
Fair comment but I have been down this route before.

In Christmas the dating site I took him back and he apologise
The drinking at Christmas time last year and his behaviour and I took him back (because I dont drink it makes it harder for me)
The email re drugs or whatever that was back in Feb 08 and I took him back
Then missed mortgage payments of 3 months, not being able to get a loan to buy out the ex and the missed car payments as well back in March and car being towed away.
Any now the truth comes out re the money and what he owes exactly.

I dont think I can take anymore chances and risks, as I am always waiting for the next one to take place with him.

I give up xx

NAR

If the house sells for say £249k and mortgage is £239k this only leaves £10k. How is he going to give his ex £40k? Or is she prepared to accept less or nothing?
Sorry but this guy sounds like a walking financial disaster - are you sure you want to wait around for the next 10 years or so doing without luxuries you could afford on your own, while he attempts to clear all his debts?