In desperate need of help, this is a mess?!?!

caroline2675

pinkshoes wrote: »

Caroline, I just wanted to congratulate you on leaving him, and although it's going to be hard to get over, you did the right thing. It's not the debt in question, it's the lying and lack of honesty over it. If he can't be honest with something as huge as debt with someone he supposedly loved, then he doesn't deserve you!

Enjoy the freedom, & I really hope you meet someone lovely one day.

thank you so much for your kind words, seriously I am very thankful for you guys, and you have made me all feel very welcome indeed, thats whats keeping me going on here!
I hope you didnt go through something simliar, I wouldnt wish this on anyone!!

take care
x

Jenny2008

caroline2675 wrote: »

Blimey at least you came out or will just about come out clean, thats a lovely story to hear and very promisng indeed. Well I sit here with at least a smile on my face thinking again if it wasnt for you guys I seriously wouldnt be here, I would still be at home with my ex in a rather deranged state which is exactly how I ended up feeling because I felt depressed and seriously didnt know why either.
I always think now, listen to your gut instinct its trying to tell you something all the time, or you will feel depressed, ill, strange, whatever it is that intuition is always there.

thank you once again, did you ever hear what happened to the ex, mind you did you really want to?

x

I bumped into his sister a few months ago, but I'd heard nothing about how he was doing up until then. Obviously I couldn't very well ask if he was still up to his eyeballs in debt!! And I doubt she would have told me anyway. But she did tell me where he was living (a really scummy area) and that he was renting a room off some mate. So from that I gathered he wasn't doing too well financially and that I hadn't lost out on a really great catch!!

Catching up with her just made me so grateful I'd left when I did and more so for the great man I'm married to now. :T

Good on you Caroline for your terrific attitude - it seems to me you'll be just fine.

caroline2675

I knew it, an email from him which again I have ignored and its difficult trust me as its made me feel guilty as always. He said yet again he is sorry for what he did should have done this a year ago and rented out rooms and listened to me when he first met me but he didnt and said sorry, so he knows he is in the wrong but has to then add that he isnt perfect and he is sure I have many faults as well....!?!? you what???? lets reverse this one back to me shall we, I wouldnt keep a lie for year stubborn that he is and then turn it on me making out I am just as bad as him, even though he says he doesnt blame me for moving out and respects that but wants me back.....blimey he is confusing?!

He goes on to say many people have credit card debts and payments to pay, yes thats right but to lie and decieve and the rest to match is another story altogether, I just dont think he gets the full picture unless I am truly over reacting but talking to friends, you guys and my parents I can safely say I dont feel I am over reacting in any way possible?

I mean this makes me angry, he says he regrets what he could have had....well he shouldnt have done what he did, wont he understand/learn from that, because a few years down the line he will still do it again and again thats what I cant trust about him. One whole year not to tell me how much but I seriously thought 7k was the full amount...not 31k and the rest of the house, the car, and the 2 remortgages on top.

There was the dating site at christmas time, the drug or whatever else that email meant to his friend could be relating to sex I dont know and will never know to this day what he meant.......but to me it doesnt matter anymore and i have to be strong, the fear I have is when I see him, that look on his face will kill me, upset me and make me feel guilty but I refuse to even go down that route because of what he did to me, I feel stupid but lucky to have got out quickly.

Not one person has said to me this week i did the wrong thing ever....so thats whats keeping me going luckily.......:T

oh boy, another load of emails to come, texts, phone calls you name it the saga will continue.....

he saw his brother and his wife at the weekend and she cant believe I left I mean come on, did he tell her the full story? he says times are tough and everyone is suffering, ok fair comment but this takes it to another level sorry?!?

Anyway on a good note, apart from that email things are good this end luckily!

hope all is well
x

Emmzi

Just keep in your head - if you are tempted - there is no point even thinking about going back until he has implemented a change for 6 months. 6 months is nothing if you are going to have a lifetime together.

So has he actually got lodgers yet, a second job, etc?

Didn't think so... all intentions and no action.

Stay strong. You are still well shot!

fudgecat

OK. Here`s my five penny worth. He has spent years not facing reality and constantly being bailed out by others. Because this has happened he has had no incentive to change his behaviour and this has become ingrained.
Now it is all hitting the fan, ex-partner walkout, loans, can`t sell house, etc
I think he sees you as a lifeline and a way out of his problems - which you probably would be.
If you are prepared to say to him hand over all money to me and I will budget and sort out your life, you could have him clear in 5-10 years - probably. Be warned though : if you take on the role of minder and carer it will be at some expense to your estimation of him as a person and as a partner.
You are 33. If you wanted a long term relationship with this man and possibly a family, you could not realistically consider this for 5 - 10 years, until things are more settled financially. He could then be 50 starting a family - do you want this? When children come, one partner is always more vulnerable and the other has to shoulder greater financial burden for a short time. You might be able to do this - but could he?
No one can make this decision apart from you, but be aware of the consequences to other is you were to have a family.
Sorry to go on...

Errata

oh boy, another load of emails to come, texts, phone calls you name it the saga will continue.....

And just like this one he's sent you, they will all be intended to make you feel guilty, that it's all your fault, that you're not normal because you don't have mega debts like other people ..........etc etc etc.

caroline2675

With my constant stubborness and thoughts in place, I do still feel I have made the right decision going forward. However, another email this morning saying I have forgotten my things at his house once again and for him to either throw away or pick up on my own, means another email back to him, which of course I made discreetly.
After replying to one saying just leave in a bin bag, I get this:

so are you completely switching me off now ... is there not a slim chance that we could find a way of sorting all this out hun ... i cant help feeling the way i do about you ... life is never easy .. im still going to sort out my issues ( and they are my issues ) .. this does not effect the way i feel or want you or even what i wanted for you and i only ever ever wanted for us to be happy and content .. you probably feel better already having moved out .... but surely you still have some feelings for me .. i know you can be cold and stubborn etc ....

you are lucky in that you have your family close by and somebody to talk to .. i dont have that facility and have to sort things out myself in my own head ... yes i have made some mistakes.. i should have got out of my house last feburuary or at least rented out the rooms to help get through the tough months that have been and gone .... this would have helped considerably ..... i opened up to you completely and you ran away ... i was being totally honest with you babe ... that shows you how much you meant to m e.. ( yes i should have done it sooner i know and im suffering fo rthat now ) i wanted to then show you that i will get it all sorted but wanated you by my side.. now if it meant you moving out yet we could still be togethere i could have taken that on the chin as i dont blame you .. it gives you the space you need and also enables me to sort everything out.. but at the sametime we can still be a couple....

Again after reading this he puts in there that he was honest with me, then admits he wasnt enough and regrets it, I mean please make up your mind. He clearly always goes back to my parents MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY...he just doesnt get it, realises what he has done but clearly hasnt made a blinding bit of difference how it really effected me, its all about him and what he feels instead of trying at least to have resolved this sooner, but oh no, making me feel guilty is the best tactic for him to throw at me....:mad:

I havent replied to this email at wont, otherwise my emotions will get the better of me again, so instead I have resorted to no feelings at all and blanking makes me feel better, coldness is the only way for me. If he sends another email trying to find things in the house to make me answer emails or anyway to get me to talk to him that clearly wont work......This could be difficult in the next few weeks, but he needs to get over it!!

ahhhhhhhh a drink anyone?
xx

caroline2675

With my constant stubborness and thoughts in place, I do still feel I have made the right decision going forward. However, another email this morning saying I have forgotten my things at his house once again and for him to either throw away or pick up on my own, means another email back to him, which of course I made discreetly.
After replying to one saying just leave in a bin bag, I get this:

so are you completely switching me off now ... is there not a slim chance that we could find a way of sorting all this out hun ... i cant help feeling the way i do about you ... life is never easy .. im still going to sort out my issues ( and they are my issues ) .. this does not effect the way i feel or want you or even what i wanted for you and i only ever ever wanted for us to be happy and content .. you probably feel better already having moved out .... but surely you still have some feelings for me .. i know you can be cold and stubborn etc ....

you are lucky in that you have your family close by and somebody to talk to .. i dont have that facility and have to sort things out myself in my own head ... yes i have made some mistakes.. i should have got out of my house last feburuary or at least rented out the rooms to help get through the tough months that have been and gone .... this would have helped considerably ..... i opened up to you completely and you ran away ... i was being totally honest with you babe ... that shows you how much you meant to m e.. ( yes i should have done it sooner i know and im suffering fo rthat now ) i wanted to then show you that i will get it all sorted but wanated you by my side.. now if it meant you moving out yet we could still be togethere i could have taken that on the chin as i dont blame you .. it gives you the space you need and also enables me to sort everything out.. but at the sametime we can still be a couple....

Again after reading this he puts in there that he was honest with me, then admits he wasnt enough and regrets it, I mean please make up your mind. He clearly always goes back to my parents MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY...he just doesnt get it, realises what he has done but clearly hasnt made a blinding bit of difference how it really effected me, its all about him and what he feels instead of trying at least to have resolved this sooner, but oh no, making me feel guilty is the best tactic for him to throw at me....:mad:

I havent replied to this email at wont, otherwise my emotions will get the better of me again, so instead I have resorted to no feelings at all and blanking makes me feel better, coldness is the only way for me. If he sends another email trying to find things in the house to make me answer emails or anyway to get me to talk to him that clearly wont work......This could be difficult in the next few weeks, but he needs to get over it!!

ahhhhhhhh a drink anyone?
xx

MrsTinks

Personally I don't see his mail as an attempt to make you feel guilty... However you obviously feel very angry and so the question is: Do you want to get back with him in any way shape or form?
If so be honest and tell him. If not then be honest and tell him that and ask him to please respect that if as he says he really loves you. Stop being bitter about it and move on with your life and if you really don't want him in your life then let go of the negative feelings as until you do you will NOT be able to move on. Ok he should have told you earlier. You're mad at him and that's understandable - whether you feel that it's enough to give up the relationship for or not - only you can decide that but you need to move on if that is what you decide and that means stop dwelling on the negative feelings you're hanging on to at the moment...

Errata

coldness is the only way for me.

How about a bit of indifference

To paraphrase his email "Poor me, poor me, poor me - and you're cold and stubborn"
Now doesn't that just sound like a manipulative, using loser !

I could possibly have a tiny bit of sympathy if he'd considered what you need - but it's all me, me, me. Hot news for him, it isn't all about him !