In desperate need of help, this is a mess?!?!

Primrose

Switch your mobile phone off. Don't even read his texts.
You have moved out and moved on. It's over.
Congratulations and well done for having had the courage to do it.
Now look forward, and start rebuilding your life.

scaredy_cat

Primrose wrote:

Switch your mobile phone off. Don't even read his texts.
You have moved out and moved on. It's over.
Congratulations and well done for having had the courage to do it.
Now look forward, and start rebuilding your life.[/quote]

or ask your mobile phone provider for a new number.

Jesthar

Hi Caroline,

Wow, what a nightmare! Congratulations on finding him out and having the courage to walk away - I'm sure you have done the right thing, Possessive, manipulative and careless with money do NOT a good husband make.

Just to encourage you, I had a friend who was in a similar position once, and even got quite close to marriage before she escaped (I'm ashamed to say I completely failed to see through him... :mad:). The good news is, she is now happily married to a lovely man!

Just a couple of thoughts - can you block his number on your phone? Or at least change the contact name to display someting like 'Ignore this idiot' (I once had a chap who was seriously and persistantly interested in getting to know me better but the feeling was NOT mutual - he wound up on my mobile as 'Hang Up Now!' :rotfl: ).

The other thing is do you have people at the gym you trust and could ask to look out for you and him and 'casually' wander over and run interference if it looks like he's headed your way? You don't need to tell them more than 'we've broken up and I don't want to be on my own with him because it upsets me' if you don't want to. Or could you perhps try another gym - though I'd understand if you didn't want to do that?

Hang in there, hon - you can DO this!

~Jes

ajaney

What a Thread! WOW!

You have done the right thing. This thread is a very good lesson on why people should bear in mind their partners past financial 'endeavours' when living together / buying a House / getting married etc.

And kudos to all the posters who gave fantastic advice selflessly.

Wishing you all the best.

caroline2675

Jesthar wrote: »

Hi Caroline,

Wow, what a nightmare! Congratulations on finding him out and having the courage to walk away - I'm sure you have done the right thing, Possessive, manipulative and careless with money do NOT a good husband make.

Just to encourage you, I had a friend who was in a similar position once, and even got quite close to marriage before she escaped (I'm ashamed to say I completely failed to see through him... :mad:). The good news is, she is now happily married to a lovely man!

Just a couple of thoughts - can you block his number on your phone? Or at least change the contact name to display someting like 'Ignore this idiot' (I once had a chap who was seriously and persistantly interested in getting to know me better but the feeling was NOT mutual - he wound up on my mobile as 'Hang Up Now!' :rotfl: ).

The other thing is do you have people at the gym you trust and could ask to look out for you and him and 'casually' wander over and run interference if it looks like he's headed your way? You don't need to tell them more than 'we've broken up and I don't want to be on my own with him because it upsets me' if you don't want to. Or could you perhps try another gym - though I'd understand if you didn't want to do that?

Hang in there, hon - you can DO this!

~Jes

Hi there, you are so funny what I have done is change his name so it now reads, ignore this idiot just in case so subconsciously I dont have the urge to contact him at all. That should do the trick hopefully!
Blimey this board is so supportive and can only say thank you again and again, everytime I read these posts I can safely say that it encourages me to know that I have definitely done the right thing. What I have also found is when someone has left someone like this, they have then gone on to marry someone delightful afterwards.
Dont worry not in a mad rush but it would be nice to find someone at least with half a decent personality and honesty within them, surely its out there?!?!

On a good note, things are looking up and I am feeling much more positive about things which is always a good sign mind you its only day 2 but for some reason I dont feel as bad as I did the first time around its been a year we have been together.

I do think of him but its more out of hate and disgust at the moment, also my friend pointed out to me today at lunchtime, that if he was to move in with myself into my flat, he would then be paying some money towards my mortgage, however at the same time he would passing his credit rating over to me and I would then have a bad credit rating from him living in my flat which would then put me in a bad name but him a good one if that makes sense. I am so glad I didnt even go down that route at all to be honest, what a nightmare that would have been....phew!! :rolleyes:

I have to admit, I havent slept in days, forgotten what was that, perhaps this weekend I might get some decent night's sleep at least??

xx

maytaurus

as a previous poster said
'your only fault in all this is that you've been far too tolerant and forgiving which has dragged the relationship out for a bit longer.
We all make mistakes, that's how we learn. You've learned from this what you expect from a partner and what is unacceptable and this will stand you in good stead.'
I am glad you were lucky enough to find out what he was like before it was too late .... as in ....you could have had a child /children with him,been commited to joint financial situations etc
Believe me .... you have made the right decision
There are many people .... who found out things about their partners when they were in too deep and couldn't get out !!

shopaholictiedtheknot

Jesthar wrote: »

Hi Caroline,


Just to encourage you, I had a friend who was in a similar position once, and even got quite close to marriage before she escaped (I'm ashamed to say I completely failed to see through him... :mad:). The good news is, she is now happily married to a lovely man!


~Jes

I was in a very similar situation, I moved in with a guy and found out that he had debts of around 25K and then later that he was constantly cheating and/or trying to cheat on me! I still loved him (god knows why) but found the strength to leave him for mine and my DD's sake and I met my fantastic hubby when I mis-dialled my exes number trying to tell him I wanted to get some of my stuff back that I had left at his house!

My hubby and I have been married for two years on Tuesday and he is the love of my life - some good does come from being with a total loser - good luck to you hun you will be fine

Jenny2008

Hi Caroline

I've come across your thread a bit late to offer advice, as you've now made your (very sensible) decsion to leave your boyfriend. However, you might have moments of sadness in the coming weeks so I'll tell you what happened to me in the hope it might comfort you that you've definitely done the right thing!!

After being with my ex boyfriend for six years, I was clearing out some cupboard space and found a bundle of unopened letters shoved at the back. It turned out they were all from creditors threatening action against him. I confronted him and he admitted he had a LOT of debt but that he didn't want to deal with it!! (He had around £90k worth of debt).

So I arranged to take all his wages, give him a small allowance, and I made arrangements with all his debtors and paid all the bills. This did not last long!! I felt like his bloody mother and really started resenting him for being so pathetic that he couldn't pay his own bills. I wanted an equal partner; not a child.

Anyway, we split up. Stupidly, annoyingly, I had taken out 0% credit cards to lower the amount of interest he was paying, but had to take them out in my name as his credit rating was so poor. Of course, I was left with these (it totalled £40k in debt). So I pretty much halved his debt for him just by leaving him. The git obviously didn't offer to take the debt back.

My only consolation was that I had a house that I'd been renting out while I lived with him that he couldn't touch. Since I left the ex I've married someone wonderful and have cleared £8k of the debt, but have £32k left. I hate having this debt, it just reminds me what I fool I was. My lovely new husband wants to help me pay it off but I won't let him. Why should he?

So I have put my house up for sale. The proceeds from that will clear the debt in one go, and will leave me with a nice profit to boot.

I suppose what I'm saying is; you might sometimes wonder if you could have had a relationship with this man, but from my experience, you will only resent feeling like the only adult!!

pinkshoes

Caroline, I just wanted to congratulate you on leaving him, and although it's going to be hard to get over, you did the right thing. It's not the debt in question, it's the lying and lack of honesty over it. If he can't be honest with something as huge as debt with someone he supposedly loved, then he doesn't deserve you!

Enjoy the freedom, & I really hope you meet someone lovely one day.

caroline2675

Jenny2008 wrote: »

Hi Caroline

I've come across your thread a bit late to offer advice, as you've now made your (very sensible) decsion to leave your boyfriend. However, you might have moments of sadness in the coming weeks so I'll tell you what happened to me in the hope it might comfort you that you've definitely done the right thing!!

After being with my ex boyfriend for six years, I was clearing out some cupboard space and found a bundle of unopened letters shoved at the back. It turned out they were all from creditors threatening action against him. I confronted him and he admitted he had a LOT of debt but that he didn't want to deal with it!! (He had around £90k worth of debt).

So I arranged to take all his wages, give him a small allowance, and I made arrangements with all his debtors and paid all the bills. This did not last long!! I felt like his bloody mother and really started resenting him for being so pathetic that he couldn't pay his own bills. I wanted an equal partner; not a child.

Anyway, we split up. Stupidly, annoyingly, I had taken out 0% credit cards to lower the amount of interest he was paying, but had to take them out in my name as his credit rating was so poor. Of course, I was left with these (it totalled £40k in debt). So I pretty much halved his debt for him just by leaving him. The git obviously didn't offer to take the debt back.

My only consolation was that I had a house that I'd been renting out while I lived with him that he couldn't touch. Since I left the ex I've married someone wonderful and have cleared £8k of the debt, but have £32k left. I hate having this debt, it just reminds me what I fool I was. My lovely new husband wants to help me pay it off but I won't let him. Why should he?

So I have put my house up for sale. The proceeds from that will clear the debt in one go, and will leave me with a nice profit to boot.

I suppose what I'm saying is; you might sometimes wonder if you could have had a relationship with this man, but from my experience, you will only resent feeling like the only adult!!

Blimey at least you came out or will just about come out clean, thats a lovely story to hear and very promisng indeed. Well I sit here with at least a smile on my face thinking again if it wasnt for you guys I seriously wouldnt be here, I would still be at home with my ex in a rather deranged state which is exactly how I ended up feeling because I felt depressed and seriously didnt know why either.
I always think now, listen to your gut instinct its trying to tell you something all the time, or you will feel depressed, ill, strange, whatever it is that intuition is always there.

thank you once again, did you ever hear what happened to the ex, mind you did you really want to?

x