Pregnant Homeless 17 year old

alwaysskint96

Edinburghlass wrote: »

So what would you (and the OP) suggest happens? Have the girl and the future grandchild taken into care and never see them again?

No the girl to get her backside into gear and get some housing. By the sounds of it the girl in the OP had an appointment to do just that but failed to show up at it, If yoiu are supposedly adult enough to have a child then you are supposedly adult enough to attend an apponitment

Oldernotwiser

Edinburghlass wrote: »

So what would you (and the OP) suggest happens? Have the girl and the future grandchild taken into care and never see them again?

Regarding the daughter, that's a daft thing to say but , as far as the baby's concerned, adoption might well be for the best as someone with it's best interests at heart might realise!

mrsconfused_2

skintchick wrote: »

So what do you want us to say then?

The mum's right, the girl should be left to rot, walk away from her she's clearly a waste of space???

Don;t ask for advice if you don;t want it!

Yes mum gave her a choice - what I'm saying is it wasn;t much of a choice. Maybe the girl wouldn;t want to go to college even if not PG. Maybe that is HER decision not her mum's.

You haven;t mentioned the dad so we didn;t even know he was alive!

The WHOLE FAMILY should support her. Is there a dining room that can be converted? Could mum and younger girl have one room and the PG girl and baby have the other?

There are ALWAYS ways round things - even sofa beds. But you have to have the will to want to do them.

THe attitude is just typical teenager - nothing to do with being PG.

This is not about sorting housing for her - yes she will need practical help but what she needs most is EMOTIONAL SUPPORT and to FEEL LOVED.

Right now, she feels no-one loves her and her mum and the rest of the family should be ashamed of themselves for that.

She's your niece - have YOU spoken to her? Can YOU give her a room?

No there is no dining room - there is no space there full stop.

I have spoken to my niece, her mother speaks to her everyday on the phone and tells her that as soon as she is ready to try and sort things out then she will do what she can to help her. I cannot have her here as my accomodation is tied in with work- a room on the premises- so not allowed

Her Dad actually offered her a room there until she gets sorted but she doesnt want to live there as she says "the area's a dump". This is the main reason that she doesnt want the mpother and baby hostel place either- it's on a council estate and will be full of "rough girls"

I suppopse we will just have to wait until she actually decides to help herself- at the moment she is the one putting blocks on everything people are trying to do to help

mrsconfused_2

lynzpower wrote: »

In one of the cases I worked with an aunt took in the teenage girl.

They were very overcrowded already, but they gave up thier dining room, put a curtain accross, put a bed & cot in there, hey presto.

They weren;t THAT overcrowded if they had a dining room going spare

I understand how frustrating this is, but you have to look at the girl as someone who has limited choices.She is a child effectively, with no skills yet as to how to care for herself.

If she had gone like her peers to university ( it sounds like a similar family to one I grew up in , in a well heeled area, with a high aspiration group of young people) then I would expect most "uni parents" to help with finding young person somewhere to live, paying towars it on some level , providing set up packs ( pots and pans/ stash of food) and advice and guidance from here on in. My parents didnt stop supporting me financially at uni, even though they didnt have a lot themselves, but the odd food parcel, 20 quid here and then when desperate. Indeed my parents were always on the end of the phone checking that I was OK, and worrying when I wasnt.

And we are all prepared to help her get set up somewhere. However none of us have enough money to be paying for a private let for her. But she would be given necessary furniture, utensils and similar stuff. Her mother is also ordering food and getting it delivered to the grandmothers house - but she wont give my niece money as it just gets used for phone credits to call the boyfriend

Right now the girls mum probably doesnt know what to do for the best, but in doing so has given up trying. Does your sis/ SIL not want to have a relationship with the grandchild? Does she worry that the child will end up in the care system. I will be brutal and tell you from the inside that adoption is a very last resort in care proceedings and in my experience children are usually at school by the time they go forward for adoption . So this child could be 4 or 5 before they find a permanent home. It also worth mentioning that the whole family will be expected to be assessed as a potential carer for this baby.

My sister has got no interest in playing "Granny" if thats what you mean. And she certainly does not want to start caring for another baby- her youngest one is just off to school
As for the adoption thing- I cant personally see why it should take so long if the child was "offered" for adoption at birth rather than wait for it to be taken away Its public knowledge about the lack of babies available for adoption.
from the wording of what we have been told about the girl, she probably has hasd no real thoughts of how she will cope with her child, or has even sunk in that this child exists. Young people have no experience of the gravity of parenting and can disassociate being pregnant with being a parent. Counselling is needed to help that young person accept the position that they are in and work out what to do next.

She was taken to Connexions to speak to an advisor there but jkust told her top F**K Off snd stormed out

I agree that this young person is clinging to the idea of the BF sorting it all out and poor lamb must be desperate for him to come forward and look after them both. Its my view from experience that some young people will reject offers of accomodation for example, as they can feel "theres no point" as bf or another will come forward to save the day, or that in taking that accom, they will be seen by the BF as less "desperate" and therefore not needed. It sounds like this girl cant understand why no one is helping her and is acting out her anger and frustration, as she is crying out to be looked after.

I suspect that this is the truest thing that you have written

You havent said how you feel you could help? Can you get her to ante natal? Ca you help her find somewhere to live? Can she come and stay with you, even for a few weeks. Your concern is evident, but maybe she feels "well mrs confused said shes bothered but what is SHE doig to help"

Its very easy for us as adults to see that "she is not helping herself" and throw the baby out with the bathwater, but its my view that her behaviour IS CRYING FOR HELP, so the help must be delivered to her in a way that she can understand and engage with.

We are trying honestly. When she's not speaking to the boyfriend she's a completely different girl- we get the old niece back

lynzpower

thats much more info, at the very least if you are speaking to her on the phone everyday ( when I mean you, I mean you as a whole family)

If adoption up front is on the cards ( is this what the neice wants or the family thinks is best?) then why not call social services immiediately, as it is them indeed who deal with taking children for adoption. Certainly neice will have to have counselling tocheck this is what she wants after all, once the decision is made its really difficult to get back from it.

Have anyone in the family spoken to social services at all yet?

Savvy_Sue

alwaysskint96 wrote: »

If yoiu are supposedly adult enough to have a child then you are supposedly adult enough to attend an apponitment

the problem is, accidents happen, and sometimes when they happen the young person grows up fast, and sometimes when they happen the young person doesn't grow up fast.

It's blindingly obvious to anyone with an ounce of common sense that the OP's niece needs to get real, consider the future, start talking to rather than swearing at the professionals who are able to help her, and prepare to be a mum. It also appears that the OP's niece is - like many teenagers - incapable of the first and second, and unwilling to do the third.

We might wish her to be an adult, and behave like one, but right now she isn't, and can't.

I find myself agreeing with lynzpower more and more ...

Oldernotwiser

As the 17 year old in question is so oblivious to her situation and well being, concerned adults would be better concentrating on the needs of the unborn child (if abortion is not an option). After all, s/he is the innocent party in all this mess.

lynzpower

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

As the 17 year old in question is so oblivious to her situation and well being, concerned adults would be better concentrating on the needs of the unborn child (if abortion is not an option). After all, s/he is the innocent party in all this mess.

but you simply cant look after th eunborn unless someone manages to positively engage the mother.

Oldernotwiser

lynzpower wrote: »

but you simply cant look after th eunborn unless someone manages to positively engage the mother.

I didn't say "look after" the unborn, I said "concentrate on its needs". What might be best for the 17 year old might not be the best for the baby.

Cerisa

Rosie Lee there should be consequences for a man who chooses to run away. Like it or not if she gives up this child for adoption - or had had an abortion at an earlier date, she would ahve had to suffer a great deal of stigma. Of course, she'll still have to suffer stigma as a young mother. this is why it's inequality.

OP, support isn't about her 'taking your advice'. It's about your family supporting her whatever she chooses to do. Which is so difficult, but it's what she needs.

Whoever said that social services jump through hoops to keep children with their biological families; that's because studies and research from a number of different sources state that children do best with their biological parents. It would be a lot easier just to adopt these children out. The other side to that coin of course, is that most people prefer to have IVF than adopt a child; partly because these children often have psychological problems, having been removed from their homes. Also did you know there's a grace period where the 'adoptive' couple can give the child back? I used to work for social services and I was astonished when I heard this.