Pregnant Homeless 17 year old

stingylolo

I think she has to settle somewhere, without the boyfriend (any mother, no matter how young and educated, should make a priority of protecting their child, so she really should forget about living with that bloke and subjecting the child to potential violence), and once she has picked where she wants to live, she needs to get social services rolling...

I know from experience my husband's daughter got pregnant within weeks of turning 16, and when the bloke (who got another two girls pregnant at the same time) dumped her, she was put in a B&B, and eventually she was given a house within 5 days of giving birth. Situation turned into a nightmare afterwards with her being really irresponsible as a mother but hey that's another story.

Getting settled would mean there would be following up on her antenatal care as well.

I don't know why it so seems that kids think life is so wonderful if you have a child so early, that it's going to provide them love and security for ever. It's so different in real life, on tv, but they just seem to be totally oblivious to it.

I think she should be maybe made more aware of what it's like to have a child and be a single mum, how you struggle moneywise, sometimes there's no hope for a better situation after child arrives. I know having a child is a fantastic thing, but they come first, and when some people make it a positive experience, some people really struggle and the children suffer. Sometimes having the child seems the easier option at the time, instead of thinking of other options like adoption for example. But it's never too early to start thinking about the future.

Cerisa

:mad: wow, this all seems...really judgemental.

This girl is probably terrified. And besides - how do you know she didn't use protection? It doesn't work every time. Plus this is another example of gender inequality. The boyfriend also should have taken responsibility for the protection, and then for the baby. The only difference here is that he can leave. She can't. As well, perhaps the reason she keeps going back to this appalling man is the complete lack of emotional support shown her by certain members of her family. Her self worth is low enough to stay with him when he hits her. This doesn't make her stupid - it makes her damaged and in need of looking after. It might interest you to know that a great proportion of domestic violence situations end in the death of the woman.

It's awful not having your own space and feeling like a burden, while not feeling able to improve your situation because you are literally not capable, mentally.

And don't you dare pressure her into getting the baby adopted. Its completely up to her and if you take that choice away from her, she will not 'get better'. She may well rise to the challenge of her baby - but she needs emotional support and to know how to take care of herself.

rosie-lee

Sailor_Sam wrote: »

I think if she went to see someone at her local,
Womens Aid. They would give advice on housing, emergency accommodation, medical help for the baby, also advice about violence with her boyfriend.

She will be given advice, she will be given support and as the OP has taken the time and trouble to come on here looking on behalf of the girl, I am sure she will have as much family support as is able, but will it really make any difference.

The reality is this, well to be honest we can all predict - violent, unstable relationship, dad who doesn't work and probably unlikely to, mum who may get on her feet, but also may not, 2 kids playing at babies, the cycle will begin. its heartbreaking. Any morning on Jeremy Kyle we can see another example of the outcome of an unplanned preganancy, at an early age in an unstable relationship.

Like I said, there are always exceptions and for the people who can make it work ie, kids fed properly, eductated and with role models who encourage aspiration and moral decency, I have the utmost admiration.

I think the schemes I have heard of where other young mums explain the harsh realities of bringing up a child with next to nothing to school kids are fantastic.

Adoption has become almost a dirty word. It seems such a shame that thousands of people go through the expense and heartache of IVF etc and yet social services jump through hoops to keep children with their biological families despite knowing that things are not 'right', in an old fashioned.

Mrs Confused - its such a shame that your niece can't come round to mine for a few days. Nice home, supportive partner and yet my 2 kids make me want to 'run away' at least once a week. I was in my 30's and some days I still feel a little resentment about the things I now can't do. Hindsight is a wonderful thing as we all know.

My heart really goes out to your neice as it will likely be far too late before she gets her head out of the sand and realises the true reality of her situation but I wish her the best of luck.

jamespir

rosie-lee wrote: »

Adoption has become almost a dirty word. It seems such a shame that thousands of people go through the expense and heartache of IVF etc and yet social services jump through hoops to keep children with their biological families despite knowing that things are not 'right', .

you obviously havent dealt with social services im living with my partner both 26 and she suffers from depression and we live on a low income we have two children one of who social services placed with her interfering parents (they were the ones who grassed us to social services in the first place) the other has gone through adoption due to that fact they did tests and viewed us with the children and decicded as a couple that we couldnt give the children the best upbringing although they had said to me i could hsve the one if i lived seperate form my partner which i said no to as it wasnt fair .

rosie-lee

Cerisa wrote: »

:mad: wow, this all seems...really judgemental.

This girl is probably terrified. And besides - how do you know she didn't use protection? It doesn't work every time. Plus this is another example of gender inequality. The boyfriend also should have taken responsibility for the protection, and then for the baby. The only difference here is that he can leave. She can't. .

Exactly - because he can leave, he has no need to worry about the consequences. Inequality or not, the woman will always be left with the resulting consequences.

mrsconfused_2

Cerisa wrote: »

:mad: wow, this all seems...really judgemental.

This girl is probably terrified. And besides - how do you know she didn't use protection? It doesn't work every time. Plus this is another example of gender inequality. The boyfriend also should have taken responsibility for the protection, and then for the baby. The only difference here is that he can leave. She can't. As well, perhaps the reason she keeps going back to this appalling man is the complete lack of emotional support shown her by certain members of her family. Her self worth is low enough to stay with him when he hits her. This doesn't make her stupid - it makes her damaged and in need of looking after. It might interest you to know that a great proportion of domestic violence situations end in the death of the woman.

It's awful not having your own space and feeling like a burden, while not feeling able to improve your situation because you are literally not capable, mentally.

And don't you dare pressure her into getting the baby adopted. Its completely up to her and if you take that choice away from her, she will not 'get better'. She may well rise to the challenge of her baby - but she needs emotional support and to know how to take care of herself.

Well we do know about using the protection issue. When she started seeing him her mother took her to the GP who gave her supplies of the piull. However she kept forgetting to take them so her mother suggested the depo jab instead. She went to the GPs, got a prescription for the injection and was told to come back within the first 5 days after her period started. However she decided to go away with bloke and turned up at Drs on day 6- they wouldnt do the injection then said she had to wait till the following month. By the end of that month she was pregnant. Told her mother that they had meant to use condoms but hadnt got around to getting some and when asked why she didnt then get the MAP wsaas told that she didnt get round to it:rolleyes:

As for support- everyone has been trying to support her but she just doesnt seem to want to take anyones advice. Since she starting seeing this bloke she constantly lies to everyone ( telling each person a different story) has become bone idle ( even before she was pg) and doesnt seem to want to actually help herself at all.

Her grandmother took to the the housing dept and also to connexions for advice. When asked basic questions by the connexions advisor she told them to F*** Off and mind your own business before stomping out.

Before she got together with bloke she was a normal, rather scatty 16 year old, chatting with girlfriends, doing each others makeiup miusic too loud etc- over the last 10 months she has changed completely

And its only since she got pregnant that the bloke has started being violent- even know he rings her daily at her grandmothers and vtells her he wants to marry her and they can work it out etc- which i think is probably why she not making any effort to sort herself out

And no one id FORCING her to give the baby up for adoption- it is however a viable option. Should the child have to end up living in a scummy area with a young mother on benefits and a nutcase for a father, none of this is the baby's fault. I really do not think my niece can comprehend what it means to live like that- she has grown up in an affluent area where ALL her peer group are still at school or college.

Zoetoes

After reading some of these posts I'm actually wondering whether being 17 is even relevant?!

stingylolo

Sounds just like my husband's daughter ! Apart from the fact that the bloke wasn't violent, just and illegal immigrant who couldn't keep it in his trousers.

I am sorry to say that, it may sound really harsh, but maybe it's for the best to let her get on with it and sort herself out.

I am all for giving support but you can never help someone who doesn't want to get help no matter how much you try. It always ends up in a heartache for the people trying to help.

Maybe you could just give her some space and let her give it a go, and let her know that you will be there if it doesn't work?

To follow on my personal experience, when OH's daughter fell pregnant, she took advantage of her family who were trying to help her. Took advantage of the help, the money, I think the worst though is that everyone bought her new things to make her house liveable, and when baby was taken off her care and the council tried to rehouse her, etc... when she decided to move in with her new boyfriend of the time she sold all the furniture for 200 quid. She just hasn't got any respect for anyone, she's been too used to getting what she wanted.
Now she keeps moving about with another new boyfriend, selling jewellery and goodness knows what else, but still not working, three years down the line. Husband and I put a stop to all the hassle and the involvement, we now have a child, and we don't want him exposed to the crap that her life is about at the moment. She calls her dad only when she needs money, there's no how are you? how is my brother? Her mother hasn't cut the umbilical cord and she's still regularly sorting out whatever debt or rubbish situation she got herself into.

At the end of the day, it's is nice and rewarding to be charitable, and to be supportive and helpful. But there is no point if it's just for it to go down a black hole. You also have to think about yourself and your own happiness.
Sometimes when you muck up you have to be responsible and deal with it too, there's too much of nannying nowadays. And if you decide to fight for yourself, sometimes you do come out stronger. Sometimes you really have to get low before you realise how bad things are.

I know it can be a real dilemma whether to help or not, and it's always easier to give advice when you are out of the situation and you don't know who you are dealing with. Help is out there for her, through social services and other charities, now she has to do the first step.

rosie-lee

jamespir wrote: »

you obviously havent dealt with social services im living with my partner both 26 and she suffers from depression and we live on a low income we have two children one of who social services placed with her interfering parents (they were the ones who grassed us to social services in the first place) the other has gone through adoption due to that fact they did tests and viewed us with the children and decicded as a couple that we couldnt give the children the best upbringing although they had said to me i could hsve the one if i lived seperate form my partner which i said no to as it wasnt fair .

I am sorry for your situation and have no wish to debate from a small snapshot of what I am sure was a lengthy and difficult time for you.

But If I understand correctly - You were given the option of keeping your child but only if you were the main carer and lived seperately from your partner. You chose then, as this was not fair on your partner, that adoption was the best option/solution for your situation.

I can assure you that my love for any man, woman nor beast would never be greater than my love for my child (even though they drive me mad!!), and if I had to choose between my OH and child, there would be no choice. My role as a mother takes precedent over anything and everything else. His problems would get sorted at a later time.

I am not really sure as to why you don't see that Social Services have endeavoured to keep your child with their biological parent (you).

Anyway this isn't really relevent to this thread and don't want to take it off topic, on to what I'm sure, would turn into a most lengthy debate.

stingylolo

Thing is at the end of the day, social services are not miracle workers. Whatever they do they'll get slammed.

After being unable to conceive for three years, we went down the adoption route. In the introductory meetings they made it a point to make everyone aware that nowadays you almost never adopt a newborn, usually they are children who have been taken away from their parents either from a horrible accident or when parents weren't able to care for them.
Some parents who adopted gave us their stories, some of them brushed the history of the child, and when you think of all the horrible things that the children have gone through you really wonder why social services kept them with their parents despite being considered at risk and waited until something really bad happened.... But then you can also ask whether the children wouldn't have been more messed up by being separated from their parents, because no matter how nasty or unable parents are, their kids still love them.

But on the other side, social service can give you a place to live, grants to get stuff and furniture sorted, they can help you make a start.