Am I just not cut out to be a mom?

cupid_s

Hell_Dans_Un_Handcart wrote: »

It's hard. I guess you have to figure out just how it would all fit in. ......

Ultimately, if your career takes up most of your time and changing that/leaving now would cause you a lot of hassle, I wouldn't be having a child right now. They really do take over your life, one way or another. You're still young, and many women have babies in their late 30s, early 40s these days (though admittedly it may be harder to conceive then). You have to be prepared to compromise somewhere; I don't believe women can truly 'have it all' and not be run utterly ragged!

I would not be asking, am I cut out to be a mum? I would be asking, is this really the right time for me?

See my job actually doesn't take that much time - well no more than any other full time job. It's a bog-standard 9-5 (well 7.5 hours between 8 and 6 actually) and travelling there and back takes about 30 mins each way. We get 34 days holiday plus statutory days, several of which can be taken with no notice so if child was ill I could stay home. DH also gets same holiday and very flexible hours so I suppose we're lucky in that respect.

I don't think I'd ever find another job this flexible! I'm also not sure it would be any different in 10 years. If anything I'd have a more responsible position which would be much harder to fit around young kids.

It's great to hear everyone's plans. It seems saving is the key - hopefully if we do this enough then I can take the full maternity leave and decide what to do when the time comes.

You've made me feel a bit better anyhow thanks :-)

mrcow

cupid_s wrote: »

and when I say I don’t want to give up my job they say they don’t agree with putting kids in childcare.

Do you really give a monkey's about what "they" do or don't agree with. It's your life and as an adult, you make the decisions that are right for you and your family. It's nobody else's business.

Millions of mothers and fathers all across the country use childcare to help to support their career decisions. What exactly is wrong with that?

Just because someone makes a decision to be a SAHM, it doesn't automatically make them a perfect or better parent. In many cases, far FAR from it!

cupid_s

Hell_Dans_Un_Handcart wrote: »

It may also be worth considering - on a less optimistic note - that you may simply not be able to continue to work for some time after your baby is born. A friend's daughter was very premature (not uncommon these days) and at ten months, is still on oxygen. She's had an absolute nightmare trying to find childcare as her daughter's immune system is too low for nursery, childminders are nervous and nannies for special needs children are expensive. None of this could have been forseen. It's worth thinking about, just as it is for anyone planning a child; could you cope?

This is a good point and if I'm honest the worry of having a child with disabilities is one reason we want kids earlier rather than later because whilst at any age you can only hope your child is 100% healthy, the risk of several problems increases with mothers age.

However I'd be willing for all my wage to go on childcare. We don't need the money I bring in so could easily pay it all out in childcare for a couple of years until the kids are school age.

My parents are both retired but live 130 miles away but if it was absolutely necessary (eg disabled child) I know they'd move closer to help me out (they've told me so) and I'd pay any costs involved and give them a good wage! However they are almost 60 now so the longer I leave having kids the less I can rely on them.

grastgirl

Blast I just lost a long post.

My main argument was this: there are 365 days in a year, 104 are weekends, 9 are statutory holidays, 34 days annual leave each (20 days together, 14 not) gives a total of 200 days or 40 working weeks that the child would be looked after by someone else, which is almost exactly what the school year is. With you both having flexible working hours you can also split your working days a bit so one drops off and the other picks up cutting down the total hours to about 6 a day. And having a cleaner on top of that would make it quality time not "sit in the corner playing on your own while I do the hovering" time.

If "everyone" helps out, it could be a lot less.

I think anyone who thinks about the issues before they arise is pretty much quaranteed to be a good mum.

daphne_descends

Little_Pickle wrote: »

enjoy the baby dancing!

am I the only person in the world who finds this phrase pretty gross?

It's SEX.

rlc22

I'm the opposite of your friends it would seem - I think it's good for kids to start socialising from an early age so I think that childcare is a great thing.

We don't have kids yet, but when we do I will have to go back to work - possibly not full time, but we will still need the money that I earn.

I have a friend who has a toddler and she keeps telling me that I might not want to go back to work, but response is that I will have to work in order to keep paying the bills. She however seems happy to not work and rack up more and more credit card debts - something that I'm not prepared to do.

whitewing

I wouldn't worry about being highly educated and a SAHM. It won't be a waste as it will still give your children confidence that they have enormous potential themselves, and that it will be possible for them also to go to Uni (if that's what they want).

I am doing relatively low paid jobs in order to get job satisfaction and to achieve a better work-life balance, but my DS is very proud that I have a degree and he likes to hear about school and work etc.

MrsTinks

Or... have you thought about an Au Pair?
Hubby and I are I guess what you call "executive professionals" and thus me giving up my job after maternity leave just isn't likely and much as I moan that I wanna quit I know I can neither afford to nor do I want to long term. So... as we don't have family nearby (Denmark and Spain) we don't even have a local network to help with things and the obvious option for us seems to be an au pair... Ideally a Danish one to help me ensure babby is brought up bi-lingual I'm HOPING for 12 months maternity but we'll see... then a month before returning to work we're hoping to get an au pair who can not only help with cleaning but also look after baby during the week although both hubby and I can work from home often - and it's cheaper than nursery
Just something to think about!

Hell_Dans_Un_Handcart

MrsTine, au pairs can't legally look after young children (I think under two, in the UK anyway) - or at least they couldn't when I looked last year I thought it would be an ace idea as we had loads of spare rooms (I didn't know if I'd have to go back to work at the time). And nannies are twice the price, waaah!

Skint_Catt

I'm sure I'll get slated for this but I thought the same way you do when I was your age. A few years on and I can't wait to have children and be a SAHM.

My personal opinion (and I am entitled to this though I don't doubt I'll get comments from someone :rolleyes:) is that unless you're desperate for money why bother having kids if you're just going to give them to someone else to bring up and enjoy time with?