Am I just not cut out to be a mom?

liuhut

Hiya
Just wanted to say that I went back to work full time after having my first, my mum was dead against it but it worked well for us for a time.
Seven years on and I'm not working at the moment and everyones thinking that I am mad for saying that I do want to go back to work....sad to say I'm kind of missing it.
You can do both, kids and job, just because you could live on one wage doesn't mean you have to!!
Hope it goes well whatever you do
Laura XX

cupid_s

Thanks everyone! I expected lots of people to disagree with me completely but they might coem alnog later.
I think none of my friends really realise what it would mean for me because they have jobs they can drop and pick up again a few years later with no problems whatsoever.

r.mac wrote: »

have you talked about your concerns with your DH? So long as you are supportive of each other the I think you'll be just fine. Oh and have fun practicing/baby making

These concerns are both our concerns really and he is brilliantly supportive. I know he really wants to be a dad but says it's completely up to me what we do. He's said he could try to see if he'd be allowed to work 60/80% of the time, or work from home 1 day a week. But these are unlikely at the moment.

And I've already told him we need to get lots of practice in though because I want children before I'm 30

skylight

With one baby, going back to work was easy. I have a life too! I am a person!! Not just a wife and mother....

With two, it was still AOK. With three I got fired - and after a year at home, I appreciated it.

Went back part time now (another company) and had number 4. Then it stopped. 18months later and a SAHM. Childcare is not affordable and they are my kids to bring up!

Number 5 is on the way, so will slot in with the others. And depending on OHs contract and he is due to have major surgery next year then it will be me going back to work again.

Yes you can fit it in. And you can not fit it in either. We are lucky in the noughties, that we have choices that out mothers/grandmothers did not.

But you cannot have it all. It is difficult. You cannot sit down with a book in another country at bed time (I soooo wish 3G phones were about then!) Look at a painting. Just bog off to the park when you feel like it. But the time you do spend together is quality time. You get to be able to afford holidays etc.

If you can stretch to it, if you do go back, get a cleaner though. There are far more important things in life than washing up and ironing.

Do what you feel happy with.

RoxieW

I just wanted to say I've worked and been a SAHM and it is a very difficult juggling act to balance children with a career - especially in their preschool years. It can be done but I found it less than ideal all round.
Could you possibly work part time? Or put your career on hold for the first 3 years before your child starts nursery?
If not, perhaps spend a few more years working on your career until its at a place where you'd feel comfortable taking a career break?

cupid_s

pinkshoes wrote: »

Who is everyone? Do they have PhDs in Child Psychology? I would say how very rude of them to give their opinion in such a way.

My mom, nan, several friends. People who, I agree, really should keep their opinions to themselves!

And people who surely didn't think they were supporting me through a PhD for me to stay at home and never use it!

GFN123

The fact you have thought to pose this question and are intelligent enough to consider your suitablity as a parent suggests you would be an excellent mother!

I had this very chat with my OH last night, luckily he shares the same values and views as me and even though we could afford for me to stop working when/if we have children, I wouldn't want to and he supports my decision.

When you say "everyone" assumes you will give up work, do you include your DH? I would say his is the only opinion that matters, and if you have differing views you need to discuss them openly. Raising children is no doubt hard enough without the full support of a partner who shares your life goals/opinions and will support you in your choices. If he would expect you to be a SAHM then this is the crux of the issue and you need to talk about it.

Personally I was raised by a career woman mum (she was the breadwinner) and I have every admiration and respect for her. She is a great role model to me and I seek the same fulfillment in my life as she has had. But I also have every respect for women who choose to stay at home, there is no one option that is the right answer, it is about what is right for you and your (eventual) family.

I'm not a raging feminist but I do query whether many men ask themselves if they can be a good dad and still work full time? Raising children is a shared responsibility however you decide to apportion the actual tasks involved. What matters is a situation you are both happy with, happy parents = happy children.

(BTW - I still have the same fears you have mentioned, about whether I'm fit for parenthood if I would still put my career first, so it's evidently a common worry!).

cupid_s

RoxieW wrote: »

I just wanted to say I've worked and been a SAHM and it is a very difficult juggling act to balance children with a career - especially in their preschool years. It can be done but I found it less than ideal all round.
Could you possibly work part time? Or put your career on hold for the first 3 years before your child starts nursery?
If not, perhaps spend a few more years working on your career until its at a place where you'd feel comfortable taking a career break?

I wish these were options. Absolutely no chance of working part time in this job. And in this field you dont have a career break - there is no such thing. If I put my career on hold I wouldn't have one to go back to unfortunately.

I too worry about how I'd balance it all though. I already feel as though there sometimes aren't enough hours in the day!

cupid_s

GFN123, DH luckily agrees exactly with me. He is so proud of what I've achieved, he's supported me through a PhD which I hated so much at times it gave me stomach ulcers with all the stress! He would be livid to think I'd gone through all that for nothing (which would be the case if I gave up my job to be a SAHM). We've both discussed it and if one of us was to go part time then it would be him and he would be happy to do this IF he was allowed and it wouldn't impact negatively on his career. But these are big IFs. But then we get comments that people can't believe I'd let my husband go part time to help look after the kids - cos obviously being a woman that should be my job :mad: . Thank god DH isn't so sexist!

And skylight, getting a cleaner would be a great idea, and with 2 wages coming in we could afford to. This is sounding better and better to me all the time (even though DH does almost all the housework anyway)!

Baybee1984

daphne_descends wrote: »

I wish that were true but the likelihood is that someone will think you want their opinion when you don't!

I've been asked why I think it's okay to outsource parenting and if I couldn't handle it at home.

You have to be thick-skinned with comments like that because they are only made to antagonise.

My DS has a fab time at nursery. The staff are wonderful and are happy for me to phone 3 or more times a day to see how he is doing. They take pictures to show me what he's been up to I believe the socialising is very important, especially as I'm not really into baby groups - I go to one a week, that's enough for me, but I feel my DS needs more interaction than that. And he gets it

For me it also means that the time I am at home with him, I am much, much better. I don't get fed up or impatient and I don't mind being tugged at and not eating/weeing/MSEing (;)) in peace. So he gets the best of me

Okay maybe I should have re-worded it as 'Nobody SHOULD look down on you, and who cares what anyone else thinks!'

GFN123

cupid_s wrote: »

GFN123, DH luckily agrees exactly with me. He is so proud of what I've achieved, he's supported me through a PhD which I hated so much at times it gave me stomach ulcers with all the stress! He would be livid to think I'd gone through all that for nothing (which would be the case if I gave up my job to be a SAHM). We've both discussed it and if one of us was to go part time then it would be him and he would be happy to do this IF he was allowed and it wouldn't impact negatively on his career. But these are big IFs. But then we get comments that people can't believe I'd let my husband go part time to help look after the kids - cos obviously being a woman that should be my job :mad: . Thank god DH isn't so sexist!

And skylight, getting a cleaner would be a great idea, and with 2 wages coming in we could afford to. This is sounding better and better to me all the time (even though DH does almost all the housework anyway)!

Your DH sounds very similar to mine Our discussion last night reflects almost exactly what you have posted.

I would say you two have everything going for you in terms of being good, loving & thoughtful parents. It's great to read about supportive partners as well, sometimes I think we still live in the 1950's!!

If other people choose to be narrow-minded, sexist and disbelieving, then they will just have to eat their words when you prove them wrong Hard as it can be, don't their views cloud your own. This is your life and your choices and you are not accountable to them!

Good luck