Am I just not cut out to be a mom?

squashy

As a mum, the single most important think to do for your baby is to breastfeed, if you can. This in itself is far better at protecting your baby from being ill than any nursery mixing etc. You say you intend to return to work as soon as you can. Currently, maternity leave is up to 12 months, with SMP paid for 9 months, although many employees offer a more generous package. It is recommend you BF for at least one year (the WHO recommend 2) so that would tie in perfectly.

I am a working mum (who wishes I was a SAHM!), I work because my husband cannot and we do not want to be destitute. My daughter is 11 months and I am still managing to BF her, it is pretty easy actually. She is eating lots of solid food now and has a beaker of formula at lunchtime to see her through. But there is nothing nicer than when I arrive home when we have a nice snuggle and I nurse her.

My career is going just fine, I don't feel I have missed out on any opportunities despite my mat leave. I still feel very attached to my children despite the full time job. I feel like they are getting the best they can from me. It can be done!

pandora205

Lots of interesting points on this thread.

The research evidence on preschool provision is that quality makes a difference to children's development, primarily to their social and emotional skills but also to other aspects. One of the key aspects is the continuity of care - particularly for very young children, who are developing their attachments. The study carried out at the Institute of Education (the EPPE research project - Effective Provision of Preschool Education 2003) confirms this. For under 3s it is a real challenge to find that quality, both in nurseries and with childminders, but it is possible.

Taking my psychologist hat off now and speaking as a parent of three (now teens), I tried a whole range of arrangements after I had my children. I had always planned to return to my post after maternity leave first time round, which I did, though I spun it out as long as I could. I changed my mind about using a nursery, and came to an arrangement with a close friend and neighbour, who became my daughter's child minder. After my second period of maternity leave, I 'gave up' work for a while. In actual fact I didn't stop working at all: I became self employed and juggled work and looking after my children (as I was married at the time) working evenings and weekends.

I eventually returned to full time work, after various other part time and self employed mixes. During this time I used two nurseries (at different times), and a child minder for after school care. I was extremely choosy and selected only those which provided a warm, stimulating environment, which was as much fun as the children being in a family setting. And of course there have been challenges, such as how to breast feed and work, attending school events that clash with work commitments etc. but there are ways around most things with a little ingenuity.

As parents we also made sure we spent lots of time with the children (ie the social life etc went) and did loads together, evenings and weekends. It worked very well - but the child care was expensive for several years (not least as we had three under 5 at one stage).

Of course it takes lots of organising with work, but it is possible. And you will get better at it over time... Work has always been very important to me, as a career and for my own development, although the family has come first overall (and still does).

Now, as my children are growing up, they are proud of their old mum, her achievements, that she is still studying (part time at 50+). They joke about me doing a gap year one day - which I may well do!

So, go with what you feel and make choices to suit you and your babies... It is possible to have a family and a career (but you'll need lots of stamina!) Good luck.

Gangstabird

I would like to say that my career was in place before I had mine. I am a Manager in a full time position and I can honestly say that my heart is not in the job anymore. I tend to be too soft on people who have children these days. I hate being away from mine. Sadly I have to do it, or our mortgage will not get paid. I also commute which is 2 hours either way.

I wish that I could stay at home with my children as I think that's my job. But, I can't and it upsets me lots.

KellyWelly

I am a SAHM and have been for the past 6 and half years. I can't imagine having a baby and putting him or her in full time childcare and going back to work. I've done part time work and voluntary work in the time I've been at home but I wouldn't even consider going back to work until they are both in full time school - and even then I think I'd only consider part time that fitted in school hours. Once they are older I fully intend to work full time again, but it really isn't too much to give your baby a few years of your full attention and care - you will miss out on so much putting them in nursery or with a childminder and going back.

I don't mean to be judgemental and each to their own, but I just honestly don't get it...why would somebody who doesn't absolutely need the money do that? It is hard to be a SAHM but the rewards far outweigh the sacrifices.

KellyWelly

And as for your brain 'turning to jelly' - only if you let it!!

SAHM does not = watching Jeremy Kyle all day.

Savvy_Sue

I do not have time to read the whole lot, but I was going to be a completely SAHM. Then my boss offered me a few hours a week, and I thought "Why not, my friend will mind the baby for me, and I'll have hers for her on a different afternoon." Then I realised that if I DIDN'T get out of the house to meet non-mummies I would go stark staring bonkers.

But I didn't know I'd be like that until I had the little darlings ...

daphne_descends

Skint_Catt wrote: »

I'm sure I'll get slated for this but I thought the same way you do when I was your age. A few years on and I can't wait to have children and be a SAHM.

My personal opinion (and I am entitled to this though I don't doubt I'll get comments from someone :rolleyes:) is that unless you're desperate for money why bother having kids if you're just going to give them to someone else to bring up and enjoy time with?

Sorry but this is very rude.

What if I said I feel it is terrible to not work and earn your own money, that why would anyone want to sponge off their husband and not have any independence just so they can mop up sick and play pat-a-cake all day?

That's not what I think because I can actually see your point of view. Try seeing mine?

Are you really questioning why I 'bothered' to have my baby, who is the absolute centre of my universe, who I have sacrificed SO much for that you could never even begin to imagine, that I should not have bothered because I work in my office for three days a week? Really?

dad-of-4 wrote: »

well said, i for one applaud your descision.

my missis is a sahm and we wouldnt have it anyother way, their is nothing more important in our lives than our kids, their is nothing more rewarding than accepting full responsability for them.

we took the ultimate step and started home educating this year, and now we just live with a little guilt of not doing it sooner.

So as the father of school age children you're understand there is a big difference in looking after a 1 year old and a 4 year old.

There is nothing more important in this world than my son and I do take full responsibility for him. He IS my world. I can still work, you know.

I applaud you for home educating. It is in the back of my mind but we are years away from that and there is no harm in me working now, and not later. Why can some people not see this point of view?

KellyWelly wrote: »

I am a SAHM and have been for the past 6 and half years. I can't imagine having a baby and putting him or her in full time childcare and going back to work. I've done part time work and voluntary work in the time I've been at home but I wouldn't even consider going back to work until they are both in full time school - and even then I think I'd only consider part time that fitted in school hours. Once they are older I fully intend to work full time again, but it really isn't too much to give your baby a few years of your full attention and care - you will miss out on so much putting them in nursery or with a childminder and going back.

I don't mean to be judgemental and each to their own, but I just honestly don't get it...why would somebody who doesn't absolutely need the money do that? It is hard to be a SAHM but the rewards far outweigh the sacrifices.

Stop being so judgmental. It's hard to be a working mother, too. You think I've got it easy?

Can you really not comprehend that some people work because they enjoy their jobs, want a bit of independence from their husbands, enjoy adult company but find baby groups are not for them? Can't your mind process that?

You are all so rude and self righteous. Why is your way the right way for everyone else?

Skint_Catt

daphne_descends wrote: »

Sorry but this is very rude.

What if I said I feel it is terrible to not work and earn your own money, that why would anyone want to sponge off their husband and not have any independence just so they can mop up sick and play pat-a-cake all day?

That's not what I think because I can actually see your point of view. Try seeing mine?

Are you really questioning why I 'bothered' to have my baby, who is the absolute centre of my universe, who I have sacrificed SO much for that you could never even begin to imagine, that I should not have bothered because I work in my office for three days a week? Really?

Not once was I rude. This thread is for peoples opinions and I gave mine. I don't have a 'problem' with anyone working if thats what they want to do, your life, your children, but the above was MY opinion as I thought I was joining in an adult conversation where the OP asked for peoples OPINIONS. If you want to work three days thats fine, it doesn't worry me I have better things to get on with in my life! I don't see where I was rude and I think you are completely over-reacting. I think the person who mentioned burkhas was offensive and I have dealt with that.

daphne_descends

You were rude because you asked why anyone 'bothers' - perhaps you didn't mean to be offensive but you were.

If you had worded it like 'well for me I would prefer to stay at home because of xyz...' - that's not offensive - other people have done that.

Sorry but until you're in my shoes you can't understand and so it is very rude to think you know better.

When you do have children you will see, you are attacked for every damn choice you make and the last thing you need is other women slating you.

PeskyPenguin

Some people can leave their babies with strangers for the whole entire working day and return to work...even if they don't have to. Personally, I couldn't drop my baby off, have strangers wiping her bum, feeding her, comforting her. Thats my job and the reason I had a child. I knew this before I was pregnant and more so after the birth of my beautiful baby.

Obviously I'm lucky that DH, baby and I are a team and there is no pot with lots of 'his' money and a few pennies in mine. I would never contemplate having a child with a man who felt differently.

This is MY OPINION and I'm entitled to it (even if considered rude by some!).