Am I just not cut out to be a mom?

cupid_s

I’m 26, have been with husband for 7 years, married for 4 ½ We have recently been thinking about starting a family. Everyone we’ve spoken to about this just assumes I’ll give up work to be a SAHM and when I say I don’t want to give up my job they say they don’t agree with putting kids in childcare.
And part of me agrees with that viewpoint. We could easily afford for me to give up work. After being at Uni for 8 years we are used to living cheaply and could survive very well on DHs wage so money isn’t the issue at all.
But if I give up my job I have to give up any chance of me having a career I enjoy. I have worked so hard and been through so much to get the job I have but the company is so small that if I leave there is no chance of me being able to come back in x years. And getting another similar position elsewhere after time out is pretty much impossible.
I do really want kids but can’t help thinking that if I’m not willing to give up a job I love for them then I’m maybe not cut out for parenthood.
Please just throw your viewpoints at me.

daphne_descends

There is nothing wrong with putting children or babies in nursery at all. It is great that you have a job you love and you will be a brilliant role model for your kids.

And I say this as someone who would love to stay at home but I am back at work, my 11 month old is in nursery. I'd rather he wasn't. But there is nothing damaging about it and it has no reflection on my parenting skills or abilities.

I'd also say that you should wait and see. Many a career woman has changed her mind I'm sure, and likewise many an 'earth mother' type has enjoyed going back when they thought they wouldn't.

Once they hit 5 you lose them to school and part of the reason I am back at work is I don't want to be out of the workplace for 5 years and then find myself lonely and hard to employ...

daphne_descends

Actually just to expand on that, I am working to fund studying which will lay out the path for my future career as my current one has hit a brick wall, and I want to do it all while my DS is young so that when he is older I will be able to give him some of the lifestyle I never had.

ginvzt

Wasn't there a report recently, saying that babies and children that are exposed more to other children (and therefore infections) are much less likely to have serious life threatening things like leukimea?
I would be going back to work after I had a child unless there is a reason why I can't do that. I think children need to learn not to depend on their parents being around all the time and to socialize with others. That is how I was brought up and I don't see anything wrong with children being in childcare!!!! I actually have friends, who even if they are at home fro whatever reason (i.e., expecting second child), still take they little ones to childcare - as they are learning things there and learning to communicate with others. I am not saying you can't teach your child at home, and take him to park to play with others, but I think babies benefit from being around others.

Baybee1984

Everyone has a different opinion on this hun, but you just go with what YOU feel. Your life, your career, your children.

Nobody will look down on you for putting your child into childcare while you work hard to provide for your family. Personally for me, I was lucky to have been able to stay at home with my little boy, until he started fulltime school [which he just has ahh] and Im looking into going back out to work now. It was important to me to stay at home with him while he was young. But everyone feels differently and everyone has different circumstances. You do whats best for you! Good luck x

galvanizersbaby

cupid_s wrote: »

Please just throw your viewpoints at me.

Hello Cupid

It's possible to combine parenting and a career with a lot of juggling (didn't think I would have to go back to a fulltime job but circumstances for me made this necessary)
Both my children were at a nursery while I worked (till starting school) and it doesn't appear to have harmed them.

I would agree with DD re waiting to see how you feel once you've had the baby as things can change - I would ignore those who say they don't agree with you using childcare - my best friend used to say this to me and she has no children herself and couldn't possibly understand.

For me I would say that I would have liked to have been able to work part time and be around more for my two after school etc... but everybody is different - follow your own instincts x

r.mac_2

cupid -this is an emotive topic and I'm sure that you'll get lots of differing responses. However, the most important thing in my opinion is that if mum is unhappy then so will baby. Being a SAHM suits some people, part-time SAHM and work suits others and full-time work suits others again.

There are lots of things to consider - finances, happiness and logistics are just a couple. And remember - you can always change your mind. So long as you stay flexible you will be fine. Being a fulltime working mum is NOT a failure of motherhood, and neither is being a SAHM a failure of the career woman.

have you talked about your concerns with your DH? So long as you are supportive of each other the I think you'll be just fine. Oh and have fun practicing/baby making

galvanizersbaby

ginvzt wrote: »

Wasn't there a report recently, saying that babies and children that are exposed more to other children (and therefore infections) are much less likely to have serious life threatening things like leukimea?

Not sure about a report but there may definately be truth in this.
When each of my two first started nursery they came down with one thing after another (they've both had chicken pox etc..) - then about a year after starting they stopped catching anything and now they are so rarely poorly.
In fact I can't remember the last time my daughter had so much as a sniffle.
Could be coincidence but I would imagine it helped build their imunity

daphne_descends

Baybee1984 wrote: »

Everyone has a different opinion on this hun, but you just go with what YOU feel. Your life, your career, your children.

Nobody will look down on you for putting your child into childcare while you work hard to provide for your family. Personally for me, I was lucky to have been able to stay at home with my little boy, until he started fulltime school [which he just has ahh] and Im looking into going back out to work now. It was important to me to stay at home with him while he was young. But everyone feels differently and everyone has different circumstances. You do whats best for you! Good luck x

I wish that were true but the likelihood is that someone will think you want their opinion when you don't!

I've been asked why I think it's okay to outsource parenting and if I couldn't handle it at home.

You have to be thick-skinned with comments like that because they are only made to antagonise.

My DS has a fab time at nursery. The staff are wonderful and are happy for me to phone 3 or more times a day to see how he is doing. They take pictures to show me what he's been up to I believe the socialising is very important, especially as I'm not really into baby groups - I go to one a week, that's enough for me, but I feel my DS needs more interaction than that. And he gets it

For me it also means that the time I am at home with him, I am much, much better. I don't get fed up or impatient and I don't mind being tugged at and not eating/weeing/MSEing (;)) in peace. So he gets the best of me

pinkshoes

cupid_s wrote: »

I’m 26, have been with husband for 7 years, married for 4 ½ We have recently been thinking about starting a family. Everyone we’ve spoken to about this just assumes I’ll give up work to be a SAHM and when I say I don’t want to give up my job they say they don’t agree with putting kids in childcare.

Who is everyone? Do they have PhDs in Child Psychology? I would say how very rude of them to give their opinion in such a way.

Being a SAHM isn't for everyone. I don't have kids yet, but I couldn't be a SAHM - it would miss the mental stimulation and go nuts!

Besides, the other side of the opinion is that nursary is beneficial to kids; it gives them skills of getting along with others, communicating with others, experience of different personalities and preferences of others, not to mention a boost to their longterm immune system! A child with a SAHM misses out on a lot of this!

My best mate is a SAHM, and didn't mind giving up her career, but then her husband earns pay is very high, so her kid spends all day going to clubs etc... If they couldn't afford for her and her DD to do all these things, then she probably would have gone back to work!

ginvzt

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Not sure about a report but there may definately be truth in this.
When each of my two first started nursery they came down with one thing after another (they've both had chicken pox etc..) - then about a year after starting they stopped catching anything and now they are so rarely poorly.
In fact I can't remember the last time my daughter had so much as a sniffle.
Could be coincidence but I would imagine it helped build their imunity

Here we go, found it! I know I was reading about it on BBC and it was in the news as well, as we were discussing this with OH, but for now, there is one of the reports:
http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2008/04/28/leukemia-study.html