Am I just not cut out to be a mom?

Becles

Grow a very thick skin to fend off all the comments as no matter what you do, someone will disagree with it :rolleyes:

Just do whatever makes you happiest. Some of my friends work full time, some part time and some are SAHM's. None of the children are any better than the others. They're just decent bairns each with their own skills and unique behaviours which are nothing to do with how much time Mammy was there.

Hell_Dans_Un_Handcart

It's hard. I guess you have to figure out just how it would all fit in.

I'm currently a SAHM to a one year-old and a thirteen year-old (my niece, who recently came to us). We decided before we had our young daughter that we wanted a parent to be at home during the early years, and for when they get home from school. That was something we felt strongly about. So, we went about organising our lives so that it was possible, and my husband now runs a pub (we plan to buy our own soon). This enables me to dip in and out of work as I like, whilst still being at home for the children. I didn't want to work at all for the first year or so, but now I'm beginning to feel the itch to get out and do something for me, too.

The thing is, this is the arrangement that works for us and measures up to our priorities. It's not for me to say what you should do; only that I know what I have done. Would you feel comfortable with using childcare? If so, from what age? Would a nursery suit, a childminder, a nanny? Could you work part time or flexible hours? There's got to be a halfway house that suits, somewhere

Ultimately, if your career takes up most of your time and changing that/leaving now would cause you a lot of hassle, I wouldn't be having a child right now. They really do take over your life, one way or another. You're still young, and many women have babies in their late 30s, early 40s these days (though admittedly it may be harder to conceive then). You have to be prepared to compromise somewhere; I don't believe women can truly 'have it all' and not be run utterly ragged!

I would not be asking, am I cut out to be a mum? I would be asking, is this really the right time for me?

tsstss7

Have to agree with HDUHC above if your current work is that inflexible you may be better waiting. Children in full time child care get sick and have to stay home quite frequently (many children = lots of bugs to go around) and sometimes even the best laid plans go awry.

For example sine I have had ds1 there hve been many illnesses but also in reception yr ds1 had a WEEK off school due to burst pipe, yr1 another whole week due to fire at the school!!! and yr5 two weeks of no available childcare due to the floods. As SAHM the first yr I was fine, the next time even with just working part time it was a hassle (but not impossible) However last yr with the floods the TWO WEEKS I needed childcare but couldn't get it (due to closure of all childcare establishments) was a major annoyance and required complex planning and cooercion of ds1's dad, my mum and my current OH to pitch in with some of their hol time too as I didn't have enough holiday left to cover it, if I'd not had so much family to hand as well as three days off because the office was also closed I would have had to take unpaid emergency parental leave.

RoxieW

Sounds similar to my career then. I gave it up a year ago as it all got too much and me, kids, OH, work were all suffering. I came to realise that I couldnt have it all. I still worry about the future as my chances of getting back into my dream job are slim and I may have to down grade my ambitions and do a job that was never on my radar before. Also I used to say all the same thing - my kids get quality time, I'm happy so my kids are happy, i'm providing a good role model etc. But when it boiled down to it I had to make a choice. Sorry if some of thats not what you wanted to hear. It's just my own experience.

melwright

Hi,

I went back to work full time after DS1 (my choice). Some people were almost rude about us putting him into nursery. My mum was also against it and even looked into giving her job up to help out. However, after DS1 being there for 2 months, Mum admitted that she couldn't provide the different stimulation or socialising that the nursery could.

After DS2, I didn't want to go back f/t, but we couldn't afford for me to be SAHM. So took a REALLY dull p/t job, spend 2.5 years doing that and hated it. Didn't feel like I was giving anything 100% (job, home, kids etc).
Got new f/t job Dec 07 - Love it - the kids love the routine, DH loves the new me and I love every second I spend with the boys.

The decisions aren't easy, there's no 'good' time to have a baby as far as your career is concerned, kids in nursery do pick up all sorts of bugs, but it does make them more resilient in the long run, it is hard to juggle holidays, housework etc, BUT - if that's the right decision for you, then your house will be a happy one.

You may also be surprised about people who are willing to help you out when you need it. Sorry if it's been mentioned before, but could you work from home at all if baby got sick. In my experience, when they are poorly, it a case of soothing them and then they sleep, so you are able to work, just not in the office.

Sorry - rambling again.

Good luck

pamelab21

My hubby and I are planning on trying to start a family next month....we are trying to save enough money now so that I can have the full 12 month maternity leave and then after that I have to go back to work, we cannot get by on my hubbys salary alone. There is not much we can cut back on and with the mortgage, council tax and foods, heating etc it cannot be done.
I hope to go back to work and condense my hours so I only have to work 3.5 days a week and the baby would have to go into a nursery in this time.

I don't feel I could ask my mum as she always sees grandparents looking after their childrens children and comments on how she thinks its worng and 'they have brought their children up, why would they want to do it all again'.

Its whats right for you and not other people. It may be preferable to be a stay at home mum but for everyone its not always possible, especially financially.

Don't stress, the fact that you are thinking about these things now could mean you will make an excellent mum!

Good luck, don't let them get you down.

frivolous_fay

I feel differently about life after childcare, but then 1) my career is a bit of a joke - although the money is ok, there are no prospects, and it's about as far away from what I grew up wanting to do as I could get.... 2) my mum was a SAHM and did my pre-schooling herself... and undoubtedly gave me a headstart. I'd like to do the same when I have kids. Ironically, it's doubtful that we could afford to do so

I think what I'm trying to say, not very eloquently, is that it's different for everyone! No doubt if my job was completely different, I'd care about getting back to it! As it is, I'd quite happily never go back to work, and use the opportunity to write

nadnad

i'm off at the minute and was due to go go back in April 09 though I just got made redundant so now I need a new job, and I have to say it will be nice to go to work and talk to adults and use my brain and also get an hour uninterrupted for lunch! Its lovely to be at home with my baby but i think i would go mad if i was gonna be home forever! I have to say though I dont fancy the idea of working a full week cos I don't think I would see enough of him, he goes to bed at 7 and if I was only getting home at 6 I'd only have an hour a night and thats not enough. So I suppose its a balancing act and its also a personal choice, don't let anyone else influence you or make you feel bad because at the end of the day if you do what makes you happy you'll be a better happier parent.

Little_Pickle

know what we plan to do???
Me at home for a year whilst Mr P works... then Mr P at home for a year after that whilst I work, then nursery, then school.

I don't know if I'll have a prem contract b y then, but we're saving tons in case I don't.
If I do, and I get cover, I'll stay at home for 6 months, then work half a week in office half a week at home for 6 months. We won't need to touch the savings.

Then when Mr P takes his turn we've still got the savings in case I don't earn as much as I do now (If I have to change jobs).

Anything is possible, you just gotta plan for it I think. Oh, and back up plans too. And be flexible...

Listen, your main concern is neither here nor there... if it's what you want to do, as a couple, ENJOY it! s*d everyone else, there're entitled to their opinion, but not entitled to force it upon you and make you feel bad over what they think!!!!

Your life
Your hubby
jointly your decision
your baby
YOUR STORY

enjoy the baby dancing!
kisses!!!!
LP
xox

Hell_Dans_Un_Handcart

It may also be worth considering - on a less optimistic note - that you may simply not be able to continue to work for some time after your baby is born. A friend's daughter was very premature (not uncommon these days) and at ten months, is still on oxygen. She's had an absolute nightmare trying to find childcare as her daughter's immune system is too low for nursery, childminders are nervous and nannies for special needs children are expensive. None of this could have been forseen. It's worth thinking about, just as it is for anyone planning a child; could you cope?