She's Dying & My Head Is All Over The Place - (Long Thread, Sorry)

poet123

What an awful situation,not my place really but....if she is lucid enough to have an opinion about where she dies,that suggests she is lucid enough to discuss the past. Who knows she may welcome it,and in future weeks,years, you may need that closure. If you get the job ask for time to sort out this issue before you start work,this is not something that can be put on hold. And cry, it is a release,pent up emotion is worse than letting it out. I really feel for you.

clou19750

Oh i have read the whole thread and really feel for u. But i do think u need to speak to your mom asap as if u dont u wont be at peace in your mind as it will eat at you please talk or just say i know who u are etc but i know it is not easy at all but i advise u to speak asap x

bajangal

Right now my heart is breaking for you because I understand what you are going through.
My mother died last year from Multiple Myeloma, and like your sister she was in and out of hospital. Everytime she came out we gained hope that she was getting better, and then she would go back in again.
The last time she went back to the hospital, after a couple of days, she appeared stronger. Much more alert. Up and walking, talking and eating. The doctor said that this does happen.
She sadly died 5 days later.
I was like you - afraid to cry - but one day, prior to her death - I just let it all out. I cried, and cried.
The day of her funeral, I found that I was more in control, because of that release from crying.
So, please, don't hold back the tears.
My prayers are with you.

Mutter_2

I disagree with all who say the subject should be raised with your "sister"
The most selfless gesture would be to leave it.

This doesn't appear to be a family who wears its heart on its sleeve. Indeed Sally said that she didn't wish to speak to a counselor, indicating that she is a private person.
As for "sister" stating she didn't care what happened to the baby, well that's just a coping mechanism. I use it myself. I figure that if I say it often enough, it really won't matter and I won't get hurt.

Also she was 20. 50years ago twenty year olds were'nt the sophisticated young things that they are now. In fact, it used to be said that the good girls got pregnant, meaning others knew how not to.

Is the past churning in your mind do you think Sally due to the ill health situation? Oh and the loss of your job was a real downer.
Why does this stuff come in blocks to try us?
I do think a lot of this will resolve itself when the end comes. We all wish we'd asked things or said them when people were alive.
Don't worry about not crying, nothing is normal and you may cry buckets later.
I think your "mum" by the way was wonderful, she overcame worrying what others thought to care for her daughter and you. Another selfless act.

JCS1

Nothing to add or say, can't imagine what you're going through, but am thinking of you.

And don't worry about the interview/job, if it's the kind of place who would object to you taking time off for a family death, it's not the kind of place you want to work at.

foreign_correspondent

Maybe you need to make a gesture, just to let her know its all ok, for your sake really.

maybe you just need to ring her and tell her you love her, or send some flowers, or a card letting her know you are thinking of her and that she is valued by you. One thing people at the end of life often want to know is that they were loved, will be missed and are forgiven for mistakes they made.

I think a little message saying something like 'things may not have always been straightforward between us, but I hope you know I love you' may be eough just to smooth out any regrets you may both have about this situation, and let her know, without saying too much.

I would do it sooner rather than later.

milliemonster

Hi Sally, I just wanted to tell you a little about my story in the hope it may help you a little, I lost my mum earlier this year to breast cancer, she was 64 (I am 35), some years ago she told me my 'aunt' was actually my sister whom she had at the age of 15 (my sister is 14 years older than me). At that time, my nan had just had a stillborn son while my mum was pregnant with my sister and throughout my mums pregnancy, my sister was going to be adopted, but when she was born, my nan and grandad wanted to raise her as their own and allow my mum to go to work.

6 months after my sister was born she met my dad, the plan was always for them to take my sister with them when they married and set up home but when the time came, they couldn't do it to my nan and grandad and decided to leave her with them although they saw her all the time and treated her like a daughter.

My mum told me about all this when I was 13 (I am 35 now) and it did come as a shock, I asked her who my sisters dad was and she said it was their next door neighbour who she babysat for but then they moved away.

When I spoke to my sister about it, I asked if she ever wanted to find out who her real father was, she told me no as she said he had never wanted anything to do with her so she wasn't interested. My sister is now 49 and has never felt the need to go looking for him.

As I said, I lost my lovely mum earlier this year and even though these events around my sister didn't affect me as such, I have always been the curious one, wanting to know more about what happened back then, even my dad doesn't know as mum would never talk about it, but looking back now I am glad we never delved further into what happened all those years ago, it's in the past and remains there and there are things now we will never know or find out, but that doesn't matter anymore.

I know our stories are different in so many ways, but each family has secrets and some harrowing tales to tell and its always times like this when they come to the fore and you have these dilemmas about what to do.

I think you are being very brave here and I sincerely hope you do not let what happened all those years ago hurt you anymore, things like this are very difficult to talk about in faimilies and I am sure in her heart your sister has many regrest herself but cannot bring herself to discuss anymore, she may not even know that you know the truth and for all you know your mum may have not told you things in the way they actually happened all those years ago.

I wish you all the best, you have some hard times coming soon and having recently been through a shocking bereavement myself, I am sending you love and strength

take care xx

jetcat

hi Sallie

you and your family are in my thoughts x

SallyUK

The news isn't so good tonight.

I had a phone call from her daughter earlier this evening saying that when she went in this morning, she couldn't waken her Mum. Usually she's able to have some breakfast before her daughter goes into her work until lunchtime.

The district nurses, doctor and hospice nurse and MacMillan nurses have been in and out all day and they've not got her on a Syringe Driver which I'm told is usually a definite sign that the end is nigh.

Sally

sarymclary

Hello Sally,

It doesn't sound good, does it? The syringe driver is definitely a sign that they are helping her cope with any discomfort, but I believe it is generally saved until really necessary to use it. Once on this a patient tends to be given a regular, or even constant low dose of medication to relieve pain/sickness, or administer multiple drugs.

I would say that it could be any time now, and to prepare yourself, and your children for what is to come.

My grandmother died whilst I was in the middle of my exams, and my teachers were very supportive (especially when I had an oral exam). I would suggest you speak to their head of year or form teacher to advise what is going on too. In some respects school was a means of escaping to normality. I managed to attend the funeral (probably conincided with a gap in my exams) nonetheless.

My thoughts are with you. Take care.
S x