She's Dying & My Head Is All Over The Place - (Long Thread, Sorry)

SallyUK

I forgot to add that this afternoon when I was speaking with her daughter, she was telling me about my "brother" who I wasn't as close to as my sister.

He went in to Mum's house earlier today when my niece was there and said to my Mum, "so was that your sister that died earlier today then?!" - she said no it was your sister!!! He kept saying - not that was an old woman that was lying in that bed - and he was told - yes it was your sister! He kept saying no it wasn't.

When I asked my niece what was happening with him, she was telling me that he'd recently been for some scans and had been diagnosed with dementia!!!

It never rains but it pours eh!

Sal

SallyUK

Hi Everyone


Well, I'm back home now, not sure if I'm feeling any better mind you as my "Mum" is now left on her own with only carers coming in to check on her three times a day. The rest of the time, she just sits in her chair and watches TV, the only time she moves is to walk to the bathroom, using her zimmer frame. What an existence for a 91 year old woman eh?

She won't go out with anyone, she just keeps saying she wishes it was her who had died instead. She was bearing up well up until after the funeral on Wednesday.

I had the chance to go see my sister on Tuesday afternoon and I wasn't sure whether I should or not, but I'm glad I did, as she looked so peaceful. My "Mum" asked me to give her a kiss for her and to tell her she loved her and I thought I'd never be able to do it, but I did and as I did it, I just said to her "God Bless You".

Up until then I was busy helping out with arrangements and clearing out her house etc, so it didn't really hit me until after the funeral. Her daughter had also asked me to do a reading at the funeral, which I managed to do without breaking down.


My brother apparently has been diagnosed with fronto-temporal dementia and he's a lot worse than I realised. He didn't even realise that he was attending his sister's funeral. Maybe a blessing I'm not sure, but obviously Mum is really concerned about him now too. She's always been such a worrier about every little thing, so this won't help now.

So as I said I'm back home now and I guess all I can do is concentrate on my own family and think about starting work, although I feel as though I don't want to do anything at all. I just feel so tired and can't even think about Christmas or anything else right now.

Thanks for the replies.


Sally

cazxx1

now you must try and have a nice christmas lots and lots of love i really do feel for you xx

sarymclary

Hi Sally,

from my own experience of grieving, I would say to give yourself the space and time to do so, take each day as it comes, and don't be surprised if it doesn't jump up and bit you on the bum when you least expect it (like, for example, when you're putting clothes in the washing machine)! It can be very draining, so don't be surprised about lacking enthusiasm for work.

Thinking of you.
S xxx

SallyUK

sarymclary wrote: »

Hi Sally,

from my own experience of grieving, I would say to give yourself the space and time to do so, take each day as it comes, and don't be surprised if it doesn't jump up and bit you on the bum when you least expect it (like, for example, when you're putting clothes in the washing machine)! It can be very draining, so don't be surprised about lacking enthusiasm for work.

Thinking of you.
S xxx

Hi Sarymclary

You're so right, I guess that's what I can't get used to at all. I could be fine one day and not so fine the next, I just seem to be all over the place still.

Thanks for replying

Sally
x

LizzieS_2

I’ve only just read this.

I’m not sure if what I have to say is a comfort, but I will post in the hope it is.

Your “sister” gave birth in an era where single parenthood was a stigma and frowned upon. What she did was look not only at how she would have been viewed, but also how other children would have been “allowed” to treat you.

Your “sister” chose to give birth which in itself is an unselfish view on a growing life. I suspect she also had a good idea that your “mum” would not let you outside the family – in reality I guess she chose who your “mum” would be and she wouldn’t make that choice if she didn’t know it to be a good one would she?

For many adoptive children it is very hard to find their birth mother and in some instances success meets with rejection (probably due to “new” life not knowing the past). For mothers brave enough to go through birth and allow adoption there will always be the worry over did they do the right by their child and did their child get the start in life they had hoped for through the adoption.

In your case, at least you know now who your birth mum was and there are not years of gaps in not knowing her as a person. From your “sisters” point of view she saw you grow up. Between you, neither had the perfect mother/daughter relationship but more importantly you did have a relationship.

The secrecy (due to the era) I can understand, however at the point of knowing it must have been hard. The lie began at your birth, ultimately this simply continued as by the point you knew there were another 2 innocent children involved who had also been lied to.

Whether it’s right to continue the lie is a choice only you can make.
To go back to your opening post, your “sister” claiming not to care was more than likely a front to try to give you the best in the era of your birth, whilst also making sure she knew who your “mum” was. If she really did not care, the 2 of you would not ever have been close.

In my own definition, your “sister” nurtured you through preganancy/birth and “mum” brought you up under the forever watchful eye of a caring/loving “sister”

Take care. I hope I haven’t upset you in any way.