She's Dying & My Head Is All Over The Place - (Long Thread, Sorry)

SallyUK

gizmo111 wrote: »

You have lots of issues and questions here that you need to try and seperate. I think you need to take the time to spend with your sister/mother and approach the subject and see how it goes. She may well want to talk to you but doesn't know how to approach it after all these years. It is possible her children may know or her past.
I agree a letter is a good start, but maybe just a simple one to her, saying you would like to talk about this. She may choose to reply in writing (depending how weak she is).
I would go up there sooner rather than later.
Here are some links you may find useful.

http://www.sandf.org/forum/index.php

http://www.uktrackers.co.uk/ti_links.htm

http://www.baaf.org.uk/

Thanks for the links Gizmo, I'll take a read later tonight.

Sal
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foreign_correspondent

Sally, whatever you decide to do, good luck.

No doubt this will be a testng time for you in many ways, but do keep posting on here if it is at all helpful for you.

Facing the death of a relative is never easy, and it is rare (in my experience anyway) that is does not raise lots of questions, make people reflect and look back, and question our relationship with that person.

Even in the best relationshps most of us harbour resentments, grudges, hurt feelings, unresolved issues and dissapointment when we examine our true feelings, and we tend to re-visit these when someone is dying.

It is even more complex when the situation and relationship is so much less clear cut, as in your case. However, I do hope you can come to some sort of resolution - I am sure you can,

Best wishes,

FC x

SallyUK

foreign_correspondent wrote: »

Sally, whatever you decide to do, good luck.

No doubt this will be a testng time for you in many ways, but do keep posting on here if it is at all helpful for you.

Facing the death of a relative is never easy, and it is rare (in my experience anyway) that is does not raise lots of questions, make people reflect and look back, and question our relationship with that person.

Even in the best relationshps most of us harbour resentments, grudges, hurt feelings, unresolved issues and dissapointment when we examine our true feelings, and we tend to re-visit these when someone is dying.

It is even more complex when the situation and relationship is so much less clear cut, as in your case. However, I do hope you can come to some sort of resolution - I am sure you can,

Best wishes,

FC x

Thank you very much indeed, FC, that's much appreciated.

I had a text earlier tonight to say there's no news tonight, so I'm unsure now whether she's being moved into the hospice or staying on in hospital.

Sal
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Keeping_Motivated

Hi I haven't read everyones replies so I am sorry if I repeat anything.

Firstly I would say that as you are a person who is normally 'open' and doesn't care what people think in the way your 'mum' did then no wonder all this secrecy is eating you up you poor thing.

You are obviously and quite rightly worried about EVERYONE else in this but what about YOU? YOU matter too. Now I am not suggesting you let the 'flood gates open' and blurt out everything but I do feel you should open them a little and let the a 'slow flow' out or you are you to explode or implode and either get very depressed or you are going to blow.

If I was you I would start by spending time with your 'sister' before its too late, just do what comes natural once you are there. If you talk you talk and if you don't you don't but when the inevitable happens and she dies at least you will know you saw her and YOU made the decision to do what ever came natural at the time. You need to take some control in all this because up to now you have had NONE. Don't put pressure on yourself just be with her and you make the choice from there.

Next I would contact someone, an organisation, a counsellor, about the abuse. You may not want or can't upset the rest of the family by telling them and again that is your decision and a valid one but what about YOU? You need to express/talk about this to someone so do it in a 'safe' enviroment and please value yourself enough to know you need some help with this.

You sound lovely and I am sure your family did all this for and with the best of intentions but it is now time to think of you and like I've said that doesn't mean you have to bull doze in and shock everyone because I can see the idea of that is distressing you but there are ways of doing this while protecting them but healing yourself.

Is there a possibility that your 'sister' is desperate to talk to you about this but SHE is also afraid of upsetting you and her other children so it may be a relief if you gently broach the subject between just the two of you?

Sorry for the ramble I hope some of that helps you to explore it a little more.

Take care
KM x

MRSTITTLEMOUSE

My dad died and without going into personal details,I had a lot of questions that I should but did'nt ask him.I now have to live with the everyday thoughts and doubts that I have,that can never be answered.I can only guess the answers and that causes me a lot of grief.There's not a day goes by that I don't have this nagging in my head.
You realy need to talk to your sister,and do it soon.She owes it to you and you deserve to have that conversation.You are the innocent in all this and dying or not maybe your sister will benefit from talking to you about it.
Good Luck,whatever happens.

SallyUK

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Hi I haven't read everyones replies so I am sorry if I repeat anything.

Firstly I would say that as you are a person who is normally 'open' and doesn't care what people think in the way your 'mum' did then no wonder all this secrecy is eating you up you poor thing.

You are obviously and quite rightly worried about EVERYONE else in this but what about YOU? YOU matter too. Now I am not suggesting you let the 'flood gates open' and blurt out everything but I do feel you should open them a little and let the a 'slow flow' out or you are you to explode or implode and either get very depressed or you are going to blow.

If I was you I would start by spending time with your 'sister' before its too late, just do what comes natural once you are there. If you talk you talk and if you don't you don't but when the inevitable happens and she dies at least you will know you saw her and YOU made the decision to do what ever came natural at the time. You need to take some control in all this because up to now you have had NONE. Don't put pressure on yourself just be with her and you make the choice from there.

Next I would contact someone, an organisation, a counsellor, about the abuse. You may not want or can't upset the rest of the family by telling them and again that is your decision and a valid one but what about YOU? You need to express/talk about this to someone so do it in a 'safe' enviroment and please value yourself enough to know you need some help with this.

You sound lovely and I am sure your family did all this for and with the best of intentions but it is now time to think of you and like I've said that doesn't mean you have to bull doze in and shock everyone because I can see the idea of that is distressing you but there are ways of doing this while protecting them but healing yourself.

Is there a possibility that your 'sister' is desperate to talk to you about this but SHE is also afraid of upsetting you and her other children so it may be a relief if you gently broach the subject between just the two of you?

Sorry for the ramble I hope some of that helps you to explore it a little more.

Take care
KM x

Thank you KM

You made a lot of sense, I really appreciate you taking the time to post.

Sal
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SallyUK

MRSTITTLEMOUSE wrote: »

My dad died and without going into personal details,I had a lot of questions that I should but did'nt ask him.I now have to live with the everyday thoughts and doubts that I have,that can never be answered.I can only guess the answers and that causes me a lot of grief.There's not a day goes by that I don't have this nagging in my head.
You realy need to talk to your sister,and do it soon.She owes it to you and you deserve to have that conversation.You are the innocent in all this and dying or not maybe your sister will benefit from talking to you about it.
Good Luck,whatever happens.

Thanksk MrsLittleMouse

So sorry to hear about your Dad dying, sorry too that you didn't get the chance to have your questions answered.

Sal
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ness14

Hi Sally,

I'm new on here so i hope you don't mind me replying.

Your post has moved me to tears and i would to send you my every sympathy for what you are going through. My mums family had a similar secret, they had a sister that was passed off as an aunty. In the family of 6 children, some knew some didn't. My uncle first found out when he was younger and i think my mum knew from her 20's, but mums other sister only found out when she was 60. I think in that era 'secrets' were the order of the day. Anyway luckily they had a chance to resolve things before the secret sister died.

I agree with what gizmo said about trying to seperate the issues. You seem to have been dealt a a lot of 'bad cards'. Have you a husband to talk to? Or someone close that you could talk to? Even if it's not a counsellor i think talking about it to someone else could help.

I'm trying to put myself in your situation to think what i would do, but i'm not you so it's hard, but i do think that you may regret not speaking to your 'sister' about it before she passes. At this point you have so many unanswered questions. I think you 'sister' may also benefit from it, perhaps she does feel the need to tend to unfinished business before she passes. In my experience of people passing, they seem to know when the are going and want to go when at peace with their life.

I don't like to say this but would you go to the doctor? You seem to have gone through a lot over the years and i wouldn't like to think that one day soon it all might get too much and you have a breakdown. You sound like such a lovely person and i would hate for another 'bad' thing to happen to you. I have experienced a 8 year depression, starting as post natal and then things that happened to me growing up came back up. It was hell, and i hate to think of anyone else heading down that path. I'm not saying you are please don't be offended, in fact the fact that you held it together for so long tells me you are a formidable lady.

Sorry for rambling and not be much help.
My thoughts are with you.

devils_advocate

On a very minor point that you raised, I'm sure that if you approached your employer and mentioned that your sister was suffering from a teminal illness, they would be only too happy to give you leave to visit her. A couple of weeks is, I think, quite reasonable to expect to get in the circumstances. You won't have to go into any further details with them.

SallyUK

ness14 wrote: »

Hi Sally,

I'm new on here so i hope you don't mind me replying.

Your post has moved me to tears and i would to send you my every sympathy for what you are going through. My mums family had a similar secret, they had a sister that was passed off as an aunty. In the family of 6 children, some knew some didn't. My uncle first found out when he was younger and i think my mum knew from her 20's, but mums other sister only found out when she was 60. I think in that era 'secrets' were the order of the day. Anyway luckily they had a chance to resolve things before the secret sister died.

I agree with what gizmo said about trying to seperate the issues. You seem to have been dealt a a lot of 'bad cards'. Have you a husband to talk to? Or someone close that you could talk to? Even if it's not a counsellor i think talking about it to someone else could help.

I'm trying to put myself in your situation to think what i would do, but i'm not you so it's hard, but i do think that you may regret not speaking to your 'sister' about it before she passes. At this point you have so many unanswered questions. I think you 'sister' may also benefit from it, perhaps she does feel the need to tend to unfinished business before she passes. In my experience of people passing, they seem to know when the are going and want to go when at peace with their life.

I don't like to say this but would you go to the doctor? You seem to have gone through a lot over the years and i wouldn't like to think that one day soon it all might get too much and you have a breakdown. You sound like such a lovely person and i would hate for another 'bad' thing to happen to you. I have experienced a 8 year depression, starting as post natal and then things that happened to me growing up came back up. It was hell, and i hate to think of anyone else heading down that path. I'm not saying you are please don't be offended, in fact the fact that you held it together for so long tells me you are a formidable lady.

Sorry for rambling and not be much help.
My thoughts are with you.

Hello Ness

Of course I don't mind you posting, thank you so much for taking the time to do so, that was kind of you.

I have in fact seen a Dr, quite a long time ago now, and in fact I wrote down everything that had happened and sent it to the surgery, before I had an appt to see someone! I didn't want to take up their valuable time and thought it best to give them time to read the sad saga - lol. When I finally did see someone, she wanted to give me anti depressants, but I never took them, as I didn't really feel that I was suffering from depression.

I've really appreciated everyone taking the time to reply on here and it's really helped reading the different posts and opinions and of course the messages of good luck and support.

Thanks again for taking the time.

Sally
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