She's Dying & My Head Is All Over The Place - (Long Thread, Sorry)

SallyUK

Hi Everyone

Sorry that this is so long, I'm not even sure that I'm doing the right thing in posting this, but I guess I'd just like to know people's thoughts?

My sister has recently been diagnosed with terminal bladder cancer. She was diagnosed around May/June time and was initially given about a year to live. However, she's been in and out of hospital every other week and they've now told her that they can't do anything else for her and that she should move into the hospice.

She lives in Scotland and I live in England. Her daughter (who's in her early 30s) has been looking after her and driving her back and forward to hospital etc and keeping me informed as to what's happening.

Before being diagnosed and hospitalised, she was my Mum's carer and had moved into my Mum's house, after my Mum had a fall, earlier in the year. My Mum was 90 recently.

I and my children went up there in July and spent a week going back and forward to hospital and caring for my Mum.

My Mum now has to have 4 carers come in each day to take care of her.

When I was 21, I was preparing to get married and my Mum told me I'd need to have my birth certificate to have the bans read out. She told me that it would have the word "adopted" on it. She went on to tell me that my real mother was actually my sister. Apparently, my sister had been a bit of a wild child and after she had given birth to me, my "Mum" asked her what she wanted to do and her reply was "I don't care"- my "Mum" said that when she was driving back from the hospital that day with my "Dad" she said to him, "I can't stand the thought of not knowing where she will be or who will have her" and he turned to my "Mum" and said, "well we'll take her then". To this day my "sister" has never talked about this. If it wasn't for my "Mum" and me sitting chatting some nights, I'd never have found out anything at all about any of this.

My "sister" has another two daughters and they don't know that we share the same mother. The family didn't want this secret ever to be revealed. I did, but they didn't.

At first it didn't bother me as I was too excited at making wedding plans. However, in later years, once I'd given birth to my first son, I started to really resent the fact. I never confronted any of them, but I kept it to myself a lot. I couldn't understand how someone could give up their child and just say "I don't care". Anyway, the years past and my "Mum" and "Dad" didn't socialise a lot or anything, but they did like to spend a night at bingo once a week, normally at the weekend.

By this time, my "sister" had her own flat and had a new partner. When my parents went out I was left with my sister and I can remember some good times sitting in the evenings chatting and watching TV etc. But then she must have had a part time job or something as I can remember being left with her partner, until she came home. It was during those times that he started to sexually abuse me - this continued right throughout my early teenage years.

Of course, I told no one - I wanted to, but daren't. I'd have loved everyone to know what he done. I don't think he would have touched his own daughter though, or the other one that she had to a different partner.

I spent some years not even thinking about any of this, just acted like a normal family. Other times, it used to drive me insane, keeping it all bottled up.

My "Mum" was always the type of person to worry about what neighbours would think, whereas I'm not at all like that I don't care what anyone else thinks, as long as I know that I'm polite and have good manners and that my children have too, then that's all that matters.

My "Mum" is obviously distressed over the fact her daughter is dying, but she did tell me when I was there in July, that when she (my sister) was pregnant with me, she was still having her periods. My "sister's" best friend at that time thought she may have been to visit a local woman, who performed back street abortions and my "Mum" asked her if she'd been there and my "sister" denied it. So even after all these years, I'm still finding out more stuff that I didn't know and I'llbe 50 next week. My "sister" is 70.

So why is my head all over the place? I feel dreadfully guilty that I'm here and she's all the way up there. I can't take time off work or the children out of school. I keep thinking about her saying "I don't care" when I was born, why am I thinking that?? I feel annoyed with her as apparently she started losing large clots about 20 years ago and didn't seek medical help then. She was also a heavy smoker, until she finally stopped. She was always complaining about pain in her side and lower back, but just ignored us when we told her to go to Drs. Now it's too late. Why am I unable to cry yet?

What will happen to my "Mum" once her daughter dies?? Will she go soon after?? With all this impending death and doom, why can't I get upset and cry? Will I eventually?? Why am I thinking about her husband and the abuse again?? I feel terrible for thinking all these things, but can't help it?

I'm scared, I'm feeling very guilty, why do I feel guilty? Is it because of the distance between us?

I guess I'm just posting rubbish here now, so I'm sorry about that.

Sal

love2save

You need to get your feelings resolved while you still have the chance. You have kept these secrets long enough and it can do you no good in the long run. Although you have other people's feelings involved here too, you have to think of yourself and the years you have ahead of you.

I have had some serious issues myself, although can't put it on here...it has ruined the best part of my life and still continues. I feel if I had done something about my 'problems' when I was younger my life would have been so much better.

Big hugs to you whatever you do...

SallyUK

Thanks for replying, love2save.

Sal
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anguk

I agree with love2save, you really need to talk to your sister. I can sort of understand that the family may not want this secret to be revealed but I do think you have a right to ask questions and get answers. I'm not wanting to be blunt but your sister has a terminal illness so you don't really know how long you have left to resolve this and it would be awful for you to be left wondering about things. Is there any way you could perhaps arrange to see your sister alone so the pair of you could just talk quietly? That way no-one else is involved and she may open up.

I can understand that you're feeling very confused at the moment and don't know what to do for the best but please don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty for. And try not to dwell on what your sister may or may not have said when you were born, she was young and times were very different then.

Good luck & hugs with whatever you decide to do. x

pukkamum

You really need to talk to your sister and say all the things you nedd to say before she dies.

My stepdad mentally abused me for years when with my mum and it left me a really broken person.

He died last year.

We kind of made friends years later when he and my mum split up, but i never ever asked him why he did it, and this has left me with huge amounts of anger and frustration.

I even have dreams where i confront him about those years.

I found that having these unresolved feelings made the greiving process much harder as i was devastated he had died but had major hatred issues with him.

Please. please talk to her it may well be that she wnats all this out in the open before she dies.

Does she know you know?
Maybe she would love to be able to talk to you about it but feels it is too late.

Go and see her by yourself and do it i know it will be hard but you need to do it for everyones sake.

Good luck love xxxx

SallyUK

Hi Everyone

Thanks so much for your replies so far.

Yes, she knows I know. But it's only me, her and "Mum" that knows.

I've always wished her other two daughters knew that she was my Mum too, but goodness knows what they would think. She was always adamant that she didn't want them to know for whatever reason.

I really don't think it's something she'd be willing to talk about now with me and to be honest, I don't really think she's strong enough to talk for long.

I guess it's something that I'll just have to take to my grave too?

Sal
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Errata

Sally, it sounds very much like you need to talk to someone who's not emotionally involved so you can start to make sense of what happened, what's happening now, and how you feel about it.
Could I suggest you make an urgent appointment with your GP, explain everything to them, and ask for a very urgent referral to the practice counsellor?
Hope this helps, and my very best wishes to you.

Carmina_Piranha_3

I don't know what to say, just sending you a hug.

It sounds like you do need to talk to her in private before she dies, otherwise you'll always wonder what might have happened or been said.

Even is she doesn't want her other children to know about you, that doesn't mean she didn't grow fond of you as you grew up. saying she didn't care when you were born may not mean anything, she was young and things were very different back then.

Carmina_Piranha_3

by the way did she know about the abuse?

angchris

i really feel for you..what an awful situation to be in, your head must be spinning. just remember that none of it is your fault, you are the innocent party and a victim of circumstances and choices made long before you were even born.
like the others have said..time is running out for your "sister" and if theres anything you need to ask her you have to do it now or your chance will be lost forever. forget everyone else`s feelings for the moment, be selfish and get the answers you require before its too late.
my thoughts are with you my friend, i hope there is someone there for you a friend/neighbour or anyone close that you can really talk to to get things off your chest.
i hope things turn out ok for your sake, cant really say good luck but you know what i mean, take care of yourself.... angchris xx

SallyUK

Errata wrote: »

Sally, it sounds very much like you need to talk to someone who's not emotionally involved so you can start to make sense of what happened, what's happening now, and how you feel about it.
Could I suggest you make an urgent appointment with your GP, explain everything to them, and ask for a very urgent referral to the practice counsellor?
Hope this helps, and my very best wishes to you.

Thankyou Errata.

I guess I'm not really the type to talk to a counsellor, I haven't spoken to anyone else about it in detail, so I think I just thought it would help by writing it down here.

Hope I didn't bore you all. Sorry if it was a long rant!

Sal
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