She's Dying & My Head Is All Over The Place - (Long Thread, Sorry)

ailuro2

A card with a simple 'thinking of you' message and a little note inside saying you'd really like to talk to her about when you were young, see where it goes from there.

Paparika

Take one day at a time hun it's a big shock for you and everyone else.

But i can see your point of wanting acknowledgement from her,

She may feel that you are angry with her for giving you up... this is from an era that things were covered up and back street abortionists were rife. Very few women were allowed to keep their babies back then and you have only had your own 'mum's words on what happened.

She may not have had much of a choice to keep you and so a lot of parents took their daughters baby and raised as their own so as to save the shame as it was back then.


What if you don't get the acknowledgement from her, this is where you need to get your closure of course and be prepared that you may not get it where you need it.

((Hugs)) to you as this is a very difficult time for you, i hope you find what you are looking for.

SallyUK

Fran wrote: »

Whatever you do you are not a coward nor do you have any reason to feel guilty, none of the circumstances you have mentioned in your past have been caused by you.

I have got less fond of writing important letters/writing things down over the years, because once you have written something it's like it's carved in stone and hasn't got the leeway of a conversation where you can qualify what you mean to say or see the person's reaction, or have their immediate response that might change things. That's not to say that writing is wrong, if it feels the right way for you to do it then write, sometimes it's hard to say things to people directly and only you know the best way to deal with the situation.

If she is still at home at all maybe you should try to get up there before she goes into the hospice if this is possible as it will be easier to talk if you want to in her environment.

I know exactly what you mean Fran about not conveying things in a letter and them then being set in stone.

In many ways, I don't want to mention any of this to her, as she's obviously not a well woman and doesn't need any upset. I don't honestly think it would be a good idea to bring any of it up.

I just wondered why I keep getting these thoughts and why I just can't let them rest in the past. It's strange the thoughts that you can sometimes get at times of stress, isn't it?

Sal

pinkemsy

It's such a shame Sal that you, as the one that has been 'wronged' (can't think of a better expression - sorry), are again the one who is out on a limb, feeling on their own and doesn't want to rock the boat. You have not done anything wrong and I wish you well.

SallyUK

Paparika wrote: »

Take one day at a time hun it's a big shock for you and everyone else.

But i can see your point of wanting acknowledgement from her,

She may feel that you are angry with her for giving you up... this is from an era that things were covered up and back street abortionists were rife. Very few women were allowed to keep their babies back then and you have only had your own 'mum's words on what happened.

She may not have had much of a choice to keep you and so a lot of parents took their daughters baby and raised as their own so as to save the shame as it was back then.


What if you don't get the acknowledgement from her, this is where you need to get your closure of course and be prepared that you may not get it where you need it.

((Hugs)) to you as this is a very difficult time for you, i hope you find what you are looking for.

Hellp Paprika

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, you're right, it was all kept hush hush, like I said before, my "Mum" was the type who worried constantly about what other people thought and so they took her away to give birth to me in another town and kept her there for a while.

Then when she came back to our hometown, my "Mum" told people that she had adopted me. Of course there were too many people who knew this wasn't true and do you know I can remember when we used to be in town shopping together - me and my "Mum" - and they would say to her: "oh is this *******'s daughter??" - of course I'd always wonder why they were saying this, but my "Mum" would never explain to me then why that was happening!!!, so all the secrecy was a waste of time in my opinion.

My own two children have often asked me questions - and I know I've always hated the secrecy in my own family - my two would say: "so ****** is your sister and her daughter is your niece? - I'd say yes, but they keep on asking other questions too at times, it's as if they know that things aren't quite as they seem.

I always made sure that when we did visit Scotland, that my two were never left alone with him. I used to hate being in their house when he was around, but of course my sister had no idea why. He died last year. When he was first taken ill, I was glad and yet again I felt very guilty for thinking that. He ended up walking with a stick and I can remember thinking, "good, I hope he doesn't get better" - how awful of me to think that way! Maybe I'm being punished now, for all those awful thoughts I had for him??

Then when they rang and told me last year that he had died, I didn't feel relief, I felt angry that I'd not had the chance to tell everyone what he was really like - I felt he'd got off with it. I did go to the funeral and I wanted to stand up and tell everyone that he wasn't this person that the mnister was portraying, he wasn't wonderful at all, he wasn't kind and well liked, he was hated and despised - but only by me. Of course I didn't do that, how could I?

How could I ever tell his daughter what he did? If she ever did end up finding out that her and I had the same mother, how would she react? She's got a sister who's totally different in personality from her, so how would she react too?

There I go waffling again, I'm sorry.

Take care everyone

Sally
xx

foreign_correspondent

Hello,

I wonder if all you need to do is go and see her and tell her that you care about her or love her? It is the one thing that she might need to know, and the thing you might regret not saying afterwards.

I understand you must be feeling lots of conflicting emotions, and it probably is not realistic to have great long discussions about the past, but maybe that is the crux of what needs to be said.

I do think she must have cared for you - I have worked with girls who are dealing with unwanted pregnancy and they often have so many conflicicting emotions, often resenting and loving the baby all at the same time! The fact that she chose to maintain a relationship with you after she had left home suggests that she cared for you and wanted to be close to you.

The abuse you suffered was awful, but it seems likely she was not aware of it, so perhaps you need to seperate out your relationship with her from what this person did, if you possibly can.

You have had complicated family relationships, but it sounds as if they all tried to do their best, which of course does not mean you cannot feel angry upset and confused about the whole thing, especially now at this emotionally difficult time,

whatever you decide to do, best wishes,

fc x

Sparkkee

what a terrible dilemma for you at such a bad time.

maybe you should write a letter to your sister but not send it?

even if only you read what you write it might help to clear your head a bit and help you work out what exactly you would say if you do decide to speak to her.

confused emotions are normal around any death of a loved one and with the mixed history you've had with your family it's not surprising you don't know how to feel.

culpepper

Sorry to hear things are so stessful.
it sounds very much a fear driven situation with your real mum.
She didnt 'care' maybe because she was young and scared and couldn't see a way forward.Likewise not telling her younger children. She was maybe afraid they would judge her for her past (not because of you but herself). I think probably it has been the same with her illness. It was easier for her to close her eyes to it than to tackle the problem.

sarahlouise210

I think you will regret it if your "sister" dies and you have not talked to her about this...it may also bring her comfort to get it off her chest.
You do not need to tell anyone else - your own children could know in time, but only if you want them to. My Aunty died and the last words she said before she died was she had a baby in a taxi! We just thought she was delerious...but turns out she DID have a baby in a taxi and my Nan(her sister) had kept that secret her whole life...only days after she died her daughter turned up..traced her from Canada, but was too late....please dont let this happen to you.
The abuse you suffered must have been awful, but I dont think there is anything to gain from telling your "sister" about it now ...she probably was totaly unaware of it and I dont think it will solve anything or make you feel any better to burden her with it at this sad time.
It is possible though that he abused his own daughters also and it would be ip to you how you approach this - but if he did they have been keeping a secret for a long time also!
I feel for your dilemma - I hope you can find the strength to do the right thing (whatever you think that is!) It would e really helpful for you to talk to a therapist also - I thought I would never do this but had to do it as part of my brain surgery assessment - she has been a tower of stregnth and I am still seeing her now! Good Luck x

Primrose

What a lot of emotional burdens you have been carrying around with you all these years. I'm not surprised that now you feel so overwhelmed that you cannot cry and feel so confused about your relationship with your sister. Could you try, briefly, to put your feelings about her into a separate box and think about your relationship with your own husband and children? Because, when the inevitable happens with your sister, these are going to be the people who hold your future for you. It sounds as if you and your sister are very different people. Her terminal illness is sad but the reality is that she appears to have abused and neglected her body for a long time and you cannot bear responsibility for that. Death does not necessarily bring a resolution, or closure to issues that have damaged an individual for years but perhaps it will enable you to write a line under some of the things which have happened and resolve to face the future knowing that no more issues will come out of the woodwork. If you feel close enough to your sister to bring these issues out into the open, do so while there is still time. But be prepared not to get the answers, or just to get evasion from her, and that might leave you feeling more confused or angry. She may have known about the sexual abuse but put her head in the sand because she didn't know how to deal with it. An honest discussion with her might rake up more hidden emotion than either of you can deal with. Can you bear just to let events take their own course? The more the troubled waters are stirred, the longer it will take for them to calm down again. My thoughts are with you.