She's Dying & My Head Is All Over The Place - (Long Thread, Sorry)

SallyUK

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

by the way did she know about the abuse?

Hi Carmina

Thanks - no, no one ever knew about the abuse, I kept that all to myself too.

Sally
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SallyUK

angchris wrote: »

i really feel for you..what an awful situation to be in, your head must be spinning. just remember that none of it is your fault, you are the innocent party and a victim of circumstances and choices made long before you were even born.
like the others have said..time is running out for your "sister" and if theres anything you need to ask her you have to do it now or your chance will be lost forever. forget everyone else`s feelings for the moment, be selfish and get the answers you require before its too late.
my thoughts are with you my friend, i hope there is someone there for you a friend/neighbour or anyone close that you can really talk to to get things off your chest.
i hope things turn out ok for your sake, cant really say good luck but you know what i mean, take care of yourself.... angchris xx

Hi Angchris

You have such kind words, thanks for that - there's not really anyone I'd like to talk to about it, but it's good to read other people's thoughts on here, so thanks for taking the time to reply.

Sal
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SallyUK

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

saying she didn't care when you were born may not mean anything, she was young and things were very different back then.

I know, I just keep having these thoughts in my head, most of them are just nonsense, I know, but I can't help having them for some reason :rolleyes:

She's been lovely as I was growing up, always treated me well, there was never any animosity or arguing, that sort of thing.

I can remember an incident when I was quite young though, probably early teenager again, and I can remember shouting at my "Mum" and her for something or other and saying to them: " I wish you had done the same to me, as they do to unwanted kittens, put me in a sack and drowned me!" - I can't for the life of me remember why but there weren't a lot of rows or arguments or anything, perhaps it was just a hormonal teenager moment, who knows.

Sal
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Fran

Sally,

You have to decide whether you want to see your birth mother before she dies and not regret the decision you make. You don't necessarily have to ask her anything, the way you described her not facing up to the signs of illness might be the same part of her personality that perhaps could not face having a baby at the time she had you. Maybe she had post-natal depression or some other mental health problem that made her unable to cope.

If you want to see her you can and will find a way to get time off work and sort out perhaps leaving the kids with friends or taking them whichever you think.

Re not crying, it is not strange not to cry when in the middle of a huge emotional turmoil that you are going through, we all react differently and it is nothing to worry about.

Re the abuse, again you will have to decide whether you want to discuss this with her or not and perhaps you won't decide until you see her if you decide to go up to Scotland. It might be something you need to talk to someone else about later.

So you have two decisions to make, whether to go up and what you want to talk about.

There's always the phone too, if she has a mobile phone they would probably let her use it in a hospice.

Errata

Sal, talking to someone is perhaps not everyone's cup of tea, I just suggested it as it sounded like you needed to get some of the stuff and accompanying feelings 'off your chest' and sometimes we don't know what we're actually thinking about something until we verbalise it. Writing things down is of great help to some people, talking to the Samaritans is of great help to others. I guess it's what people think feels like a good fit at a particular time in their lives.
I can understand you not being able to imagine how anyone could give up a baby. I've supported women who've done this and believe me the grief and guilt never leaves them although some are very good at hiding those feelings from everyone.
If you decide to talk to your sister it might be a good idea to check if she's on medication, such as morphine, that would effect her ability to remember things and to understand and keep the thread of a conversation.
Please don't worry about not feeling upset or being able to cry just now, these things may come when the time is right. There's no right or wrong way to deal with your sister's health situation, just your own unique way.
Best wishes

epsilondraconis

I really don't know what to suggest for the best. All I can say is that my thoughts are with you...

fsdss

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

I don't know what to say, just sending you a hug.

It sounds like you do need to talk to her in private before she dies, otherwise you'll always wonder what might have happened or been said.

saying she didn't care when you were born may not mean anything, she was young and things were very different back then.

i think you need to speak to her - its probably been a subject on her mind all of your life which has escalated and got out of control, making it extremely difficult for her to speak to you about it and also with your "mum" around, there maybe some more fears for her to find the right time (if that makes sense).

i agree with carmina - just because she said once she didn't care - makes no difference to her actual feelings - we all say things we don't mean - however sometimes these things can be remembered and haunt us every day.

why dont you hop over to the adoption uk forum - there are numerous professionals and like people who will understand your issues and help you with your feelings / advice.

whatever you decide,and by judging by the clarity and caring nature of your post, you must remember that you are a very special person who is loved for who you are.

i hope you find some peace

chalky_75

Hi. Could you possibly write to her not necessarily bringing up all your issues but maybe opening up the " door " for a talk.

I think also you should find a counsellor , someone who you could feel at ease with and talk about all of this.

Take 1 day at a time and be kind to yourself all you are feeling is SO totally normal.

Gentle thoughts

SallyUK

You're all very thoughtful and say really kind words, so I thank you all for that.

I know she's not on morphine or any other drugs at the moment. She is on a drip though, as her bloods are always very worrying. She's had to wear a bag too ever since they tried to remove the tumour, but it was too big to remove it all and they said she wouldn't have been able to cope with the complete removal of her bladder, as it was too late.


I'm thinking that writing a letter might not be a bad idea - perhaps I'm being a coward, I'm not sure, but I do know that I will have to go back up sooner or later, but probably before she dies.

I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to reply, it's really much appreciated.

And thanks for the suggestion of looking at the Adoption forum, I didn't even know there was one on here!

Thanks again,

Sally
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Fran

SallyUK wrote: »

I'm thinking that writing a letter might not be a bad idea - perhaps I'm being a coward, I'm not sure.....

Whatever you do you are not a coward nor do you have any reason to feel guilty, none of the circumstances you have mentioned in your past have been caused by you.

I have got less fond of writing important letters/writing things down over the years, because once you have written something it's like it's carved in stone and hasn't got the leeway of a conversation where you can qualify what you mean to say or see the person's reaction, or have their immediate response that might change things. That's not to say that writing is wrong, if it feels the right way for you to do it then write, sometimes it's hard to say things to people directly and only you know the best way to deal with the situation.

If she is still at home at all maybe you should try to get up there before she goes into the hospice if this is possible as it will be easier to talk if you want to in her environment.