Pointers for 16 year old

Savvy_Sue

aliasojo wrote:

Son's weekend money is only £30 and he uses it to pay for his toiletries and clothes. I would feel harsh expecting him to pay something from that tbh. Bus fares into main town are almost £6 return.

Come on Aliasojo, son thinks you are a mean mum so you might as well BE one and make him hand over some of his weekend pay for his keep!

OK, if he's going to be a bum he would NEED to go into town once a fortnight (? - am I right about that) to sign on, so if he was left with £10 pw he could do that and save up for his clothes.

You really don't want to make life too cosy for him!

Started writing this after your last post, you don't have to bring this up now, but keep it in mind. I'd also start looking into any local youth housing options in your area: we have a local Foyer and Priority Youth Housing, both of which provide a supportive environment for young people, with the Foyer I know this includes encouraging them to study!

And have you made the "I don't like to be on your case all the time but I do worry about you" statement recently? Maybe writing him a letter would work if talking is too fraught!

Do feel for you, we were all conned by the image of sweet little bundles, and if you try to warn new or wannabe parents they just don't believe you, do they? :rotfl:

Spendless

aliasojo wrote:

Oh I can sense another poll re: dig money coming on. :rotfl:

I always thought I was quite hard on him but you two make me look soft.

I do see your point about if he didn't have money so he'd have to do something, but I'm slightly concerned the something might be to leave home. I don't think he's anywhere near mature enough for that.

Good Dad / Bad Mum springs up again. Good Dad treats son easy and spends money on him, Bad Mum gets on his case and takes money off the small amount he has each week. It's yet another knife in our relationship (which is very tentative to say the least, at the moment).

I'm not sure we need the added stress of adding dig money into the equation at the moment, although I see the sense in bringing it up.

I didn't sign up for all this anxiety....I signed up for a small pink thing or blue thing that smelt of talc. How did I get here? :rotfl:

And which one do you think he'll thank when he's 40 with kids of his own?

BTW-Did I read a post of yours that mentioned you left home at 16? Were your parents ok about it-just curious. Also Fran did a thread ages ago about how much housekeeping. I think it was in DT.

aliasojo

Lol... I wondered if someone would mention that. Yes I left home at 16 but I was always one of those who had an old head on young shoulders. Parents had no choice really...it was a done deal and I phoned to say Hi, guess what, I'm not coming back.

I was mature for my age but I hated my Father with a passion which is why I left the way I did. Felt sorry for Mum though as I'm sure it caused her upset.

Son is nowhere near the same level of maturity although he is fairly capable so I daresay he'd survive.

I have no intention of mollycoddling son but nor do I want our relationship to get that bad that it goes down the same route as my Father and I. I think I spoke to him less than half a dozen times during the time I left home until the time he died 4 years later.

It's very hard trying to find a happy medium.

I tell son regularly that I love him and that I can't just shut up as I care about his future, even if he doesn't at the moment. We don't actually argue about this as such, we do talk..up until he's had enough of listening to me and he then stares at the wall. At which point my frustration rises and I have to leave the room as pictures of me slapping him hard enter my mind. :rotfl: (True description of this afternoon's scenario )

As for the youth housing thing, there aren't any such schemes round us apart from one which only deals with vulnerable 16 and 17 year olds. (Thrown out/disabled/abused etc). Housing generally is in short supply and only things available are private rentals which are very pricey.

I really wouldn't want him to be in the position of having to look for alternative accomodation though.

I think the issue with me is that if we really couldn't afford to keep son then I would find it easier to deal with the dig money thing as it would be a question of necessity. We can afford to keep him though and I think that's why I find it hard to consider taking money off him when he only has a small amount and I know it will worsen our relationship. Yes I know....that's my issue not his.

Going off to find Fran's thread now.

Spendless

aliasojo wrote:

Lol... I wondered if someone would mention that. Yes I left home at 16 but I was always one of those who had an old head on young shoulders. Parents had no choice really...it was a done deal and I phoned to say Hi, guess what, I'm not coming back.

I was mature for my age but I hated my Father with a passion which is why I left the way I did. Felt sorry for Mum though as I'm sure it caused her upset.

Son is nowhere near the same level of maturity although he is fairly capable so I daresay he'd survive.

I have no intention of mollycoddling son but nor do I want our relationship to get that bad that it goes down the same route as my Father and I. I think I spoke to him less than half a dozen times during the time I left home until the time he died 4 years later.

It's very hard trying to find a happy medium.

I tell son regularly that I love him and that I can't just shut up as I care about his future, even if he doesn't at the moment. We don't actually argue about this as such, we do talk..up until he's had enough of listening to me and he then stares at the wall. At which point my frustration rises and I have to leave the room as pictures of me slapping him hard enter my mind. :rotfl: (True description of this afternoon's scenario )

As for the youth housing thing, there aren't any such schemes round us apart from one which only deals with vulnerable 16 and 17 year olds. (Thrown out/disabled/abused etc). Housing generally is in short supply and only things available are private rentals which are very pricey.

I really wouldn't want him to be in the position of having to look for alternative accomodation though.

I think the issue with me is that if we really couldn't afford to keep son then I would find it easier to deal with the dig money thing as it would be a question of necessity. We can afford to keep him though and I think that's why I find it hard to consider taking money off him when he only has a small amount and I know it will worsen our relationship. Yes I know....that's my issue not his.

Going off to find Fran's thread now.

hmmm well a psychologist would probably make a meal out of your son being same age as you when you left home barely speaking to your Dad again and you currently being afraid that your son will carry out his threat to leave home especially if you ask him to contribute financially. Don't have an answer I'm afraid and have run out of suggestions. Hope you manage to sort it out.

aliasojo

Lol spendless, the same thought crossed my mind too.

Thanks for all your input.

I may have to go down the 'get tough' route if decisons are not made shortly, one way or another.

Spendless

Thought of something else. Re you moving to Canada is that still a possibility and would your son be moving with you if you are?

The following is what happens in Toronto different states may have diff rules you''d need to check.
I don't know how the school year runs in Scotland but in Canada the school year is different to England. England runs sep1st-aug 31st but in Canada it runs Jan 1st to Dec 31st. So in England all the kids who were 16 between Sep 1st 1988-Aug 31st 1989 would have left school June last year after taking their GCSEs (if they wished to). Canadian children who are born 1st jan 1989-31st dec 1989 are currently in their last school year. Mr Spendless' cousin is in this year but according to his mum will be stopping on at school cos he needs so many credits to graduate and hasn't got enough. Mr Spendless thinks he has to graduate in order to be considered for a job. Now I've no idea how Scotlands school system works but if your son is born in 89 and is moving to Canada if you're going, he might find himself back at school anyway. Might be very difficult for him to have to go back to school if he's had a few months of not going. Perhaps work looking into. Good Luck xx

aliasojo

Unfortunately Canada isn't an option anymore. We were told we wouldn't be granted permanant residency because of eldest son's disabilities.

(Next life......I'm just going to settle for spinsterdom and a dog.)

RichyRich

What about if he does drop out of school and gets a job (even shelf-stacking, McD's - no disrespect to people who work in these roles)?

He can always apply to college next year when he realises he is earning far less than he thought he would be and that learning isn't that bad after all.

Or depending what job he gets he might just figure out what he wants to do...

Spendless

aliasojo wrote:

Unfortunately Canada isn't an option anymore. We were told we wouldn't be granted permanant residency because of eldest son's disabilities.

(Next life......I'm just going to settle for spinsterdom and a dog.)

Sorry to hear that.

aliasojo

Think that might end up being the case RR. I did wonder if taking the heat off totally and letting him do whatever (including leaving school right now) would then somehow have the effect of making him think about stuff a bit more and as you say, maybe college would be an option he might then consider next year.

I sometimes wonder if the wish to leave school was just a thought on a bad day that has developed into something stronger with every bit of resistance he encountered. I think it's perfectly feasable that a teenage strop can easily overcome common sense.

If there was no resistance to his plans he might discover in practice that they weren't all they were cracked up to be.

Of course, taking this path runs the risk of it all backfiring on me and son decides he actually likes stacking shelves. :rotfl: