Pointers for 16 year old

aliasojo

It would help me to make sense of things if this was the case Spendless.

I often struggle with my own emotions as his confuse me so much.

margaretclare

I don't know what else to suggest. Sorry!

It might be a good idea if you refuse to do anything for him now he's taken this entrenched attitude. So he gets £30 a week - that won't go far if he finds he has to provide his own food, cook his own meals etc. It would be an idea for you not to clean up after him, not do his washing etc and if he runs out of clean clothes - well, tough. You are not there to be his unpaid servant once he'd made the decision that 'dossing' is his preferred way of life.

I sympathise!

Aunty Margaret

Savvy_Sue

Spendless wrote:

Not that this helps your current situation but a few years ago I remember seeing a programme about teenagers and a chemical change in their brain which meant they couldn't recognise emotions. The programme Richard and Judy followed it up and got a large family in whose ages ranged from (around) 6 to 20. They showed them pictures of peoples expressions (shock,fear,astonishment,happy, sad) I remember the teenagers did worse whilst the 8 year old got 100% correct. The teenager that came bottom was around 15-17 years old. I took an interest in programme as a friend of mine has a 14 year gap between her 2 and her eldest who must have been around 16/17 at that time was driving her nuts.

Yup, there was something in a Metro (free commuter paper) quite recently about how teenagers go a bit 'austistic' in their emotions. I found it quite helpful as my eldest is a mild Aspie, and we've learned to cope with him: he was reasonably conformist because he liked knowing what 'the rules' were. So 'the rules' were that if he left school, he got a job. If he didn't go to Uni, he got a job. We had our share of "Yah-di-yah-di-yah-di-yah" whenever we 'encouraged' him to pull his finger out, but he got there in the end. He knows when he comes home for Christmas, he either gets a job or helps out at home. Admittedly that 'help' is most likely to be forthcoming in the afternoon or evening, but he will help.

It must be hard for you and your middle son to work out what's appropriate. He's had no helpful input from his dad, and I gather that your eldest has fairly severe disabilities (by the fact that you wouldn't get permanent residence in Canada because of them). So from his point of view, your job is to run round after your offspring. Now you know that your job is actually to turn your offspring into independent functioning adults (as far as possible), but he hasn't so far seen that happen. So I think he's having a bit of a culture shock!

aliasojo

Savvy_Sue wrote:

It must be hard for you and your middle son to work out what's appropriate. He's had no helpful input from his dad, and I gather that your eldest has fairly severe disabilities (by the fact that you wouldn't get permanent residence in Canada because of them). So from his point of view, your job is to run round after your offspring. Now you know that your job is actually to turn your offspring into independent functioning adults (as far as possible), but he hasn't so far seen that happen. So I think he's having a bit of a culture shock!

Actually, I think this is a valid point. I hadn't thought my eldest had any connection with the situation but middle son did bring up how his brother doesn't do anything and he seems to get on ok. (He managed to gloss over the fact that eldest is pretty much incapable of most jobs, mind you. :rolleyes: )

At the time I thought it was just more sounding off but you're right, he hasn't had any positive role models for what's supposed to happen during the move into adulthood.

It's no excuse though, he's still a little sod. :rotfl:

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Oh dear, your teenager has been great up to now which sounds like he's turned into Kevin the Teenager a bit late in the day. Doesn't sound like he's playing his dad off against you, more like his dad playing you off against him. I've dug into my memory bank and see I was in the same position at 16 as your son, my parents were fine about it because they were totally disinterested but pointed out that leaving school meant I was an adult and had to behave like one which meant contributing to my keep and I did some ropey jobs to manage that! Why not write up the finances of all the options he has right now, give them to him, leave him alone to digest them, tell him you're treating him like an adult and expect to discuss the future with him after a couple of days. You may be able to manage without him contributing any money but that isn't being fair to him because it's treating him like a child and not an adult. Take the contribution, put it all in a bank account and give it back to him when he's 21.
If he gets a job stacking shelves, respect his choice because it's a respectable job. He'll either find out he doesn't like it or identify a career path in the company.
Has he talked things over with any other adult? One who isn't emotionally involved? That might help him to clarify his thinking, wants and needs. Have you?
Finally - he's an adult and surely doesn't want his mum to hold his hand when he talks to careers, jobcentre etc people. I don't mean that harshly but a young man's dignity is very important to him. Hope this helps and good luck.

aliasojo

Thanks Dora.....(my daughter loves you btw )....all points noted.

Son did speak to his Head of Year who was brilliant and son really liked him as he felt he understood him. He was all fired up after speaking to him but it lasted for less than 1 day and the following day he was back to same old, same old. I wish I could have strapped that man to son's back so he was there constantly. :rotfl:

Son doesn't actually want to talk to career's peeps or jobcentre peeps, with me or without me.

I have to say that at the start of all this.....I was upset at the thought of him stacking shelves as it was a huge comedown from his ambition of studying for a law degree. Now though, I would be delighted if he was stacking shelves as at least he would be doing a good honest day's work.

Oh and btw...yes, I've talked things over with others.......you lot!

Bennifred

Aliasojo, I have been reading this thread with great interest and enormous sympathy :grouphug:

I have just sent my yr11 son upstairs with a copy of the article recommended by westernpromise in the hope that it triggers something hopeful - he is currently at the stage of "Don't know what I want to do, so why stay on at school" and I'm trying to make him see that it's better to keep your options open.......

Blimey - I've only just sent DS1 off to Uni (sighs of relief all round - it wasn't a foregone conclusion :rolleyes: ), and thought I could relax a bit with DS2, who has always been more savvy, and fairly ambitious - somone up there doesn't want me taking it easy!! Then there's DS3, about to turn into a teenager

Anyway, I'll let you know what DS2 makes of the article.........

margaretclare

Hi aliasojo

It has been quite poignant for us this morning, and relevant when thinking about young people.

Both my granddaughters are in the Sea Cadets and the younger one was Colour Escort this morning (rifle and bayonet fixed!!) Her sister carried the Colour. I needn't tell you how proud we feel, and her Mum and Dad - they also took part in Trafalgar parades only recently.

Now this morning, early news from friends in the USA - their eldest grandson in the US Marines in northern Iraq, their vehicle hit a mine and was blown up, 5 of them wounded in action, they're all now in hospital in Washington DC. The lad that we know, met him when we were over there in October 2001, nice lad, has shrapnel all up his left side, leg, arm etc and worst thing - his left eye. Not known if it can be saved, or not.

We remembered him in prayers this morning. And our speaker, who's a teacher, said that she managed to get her class to stand silent for 2 minutes - an achievement!! Because she describes them as the 'Am I bothered?' generation. They want it all on a plate, want her to give them all the answers, don't want the effort of thinking anything out. Same with the material goods their parents struggled for and their grandparents saved for - they expect them all to arrive without effort.

I thought of this idea of the 'Am I bothered?' generation in relation to your son's friends who've got 'dossing' down to a fine art. And yet there are others, of the same generation, who don't think that way.

My eldest granddaughter had difficulty all the way through school - think she's a bit dyslexic. And also she's had knee surgery - the same family joint and bone problems that we all have. But in her early 20s now, she works for B&Q, shares a house with a friend, is an adult PO in Sea Cadets, plays women's rugby, and OK so she didn't go to uni - so what.

I feel for you, and I can understand how helpless you feel. You've done your very best, but what is working against you is the fact that son knows people who're apparently able to live on fresh air!

With very best wishes

Aunty Margaret

aliasojo

Thanks A.M. My BIL in heavily involved with the Sea Cadets, he does a lot with them and is very proud of 'his' bunch. The kids you describe are the way I expected my lad to turn out. He had a rich, full life with many achievements at one point. I don't know where it went so badly wrong.

The young people you mention have achieved and can take pride in themselves.

Things are escalating rapidly with my son. See post here for condensed idea of last night's events.

He made his work this morning, but only because I got him up and drove him there. I didn't want to, but nor did I want the people he works for (small family business) to be let down.

As much as it pains me to admit it, I obviously can't make things better and reasoning does nothing. I'm seriously considering getting his Dad to take him. This will mean that son will pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever, but at least his actions wouldn't be affecting us so badly then. I know I will be giving up on him if we go down this route, but I have 2 other kids to think of too and my back's against the wall. I just don't know what to do anymore tbh.

I hate his Father with a vengeance and if I'm honest, I do blame him for a lot of son's problems. If he'd been more of a Father and less of a wallet, I don't think we'd be in this situation now. However I'm sensible and logical enough to know it would not be helpful to start casting up so I bite my tongue once again.

Stress in our house is palpable today.

Savvy_Sue

aliasojo wrote:

He made his work this morning, but only because I got him up and drove him there. I didn't want to, but nor did I want the people he works for (small family business) to be let down.

As much as it pains me to admit it, I obviously can't make things better and reasoning does nothing. I'm seriously considering getting his Dad to take him. This will mean that son will pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever, but at least his actions wouldn't be affecting us so badly then. I know I will be giving up on him if we go down this route, but I have 2 other kids to think of too and my back's against the wall. I just don't know what to do anymore tbh.

Oh dear. I hope you let your son know (in a factual kind of way) that the only reason you gave him a lift was because you didn't want his employers to be let down, and that you're not making a habit of it, but if he doesn't want the job could he please do the adult thing and resign.

You said your son had recently spent a few days at his dad and come back with a different view, so perhaps it won't be the end of the world if he does that - even supposing dad will have him! I wouldn't see it as giving up on him: we all know you'll never do that! But presumably even dad will find he can't buy his way out of his responsibilities and reach an understanding with son. Your ex must be holding down a good job to be able to be a walking wallet, so there's some example there. "Dad can only be as generous as he is because he works for his money! You don't have to stay on in 6th form but if you don't you have to work!"