Pointers for 16 year old

margaretclare

Hi all

Experience from an older generation...if it helps, and FWIW.

I think it's extremely difficult for a 16-yr old to decide 'what to do with the rest of your life'. There are the few rare people who decide early and stick to it, but they are rare.

My elder surviving daughter, in her early 40s now, is embarking on a Classics degree. Now, why didn't she think of that in her teens? Because all she wanted then, in her words, was 'an ordinary life, to live on a Council estate'!!

My younger daughter (who died) decided early on that she wanted to be an engineer. In face of immense difficulties she did qualify as an engineer at technician level, only to find that the industrial atmosphere, the shifts, the sexism, eventually got to her. In her last 2 years of life she was working towards a career in countryside management, and she'd just got her 'dream job' when she died aged 39.

My grandson went to college and qualified as a chef but he has found it 'boring'. So this term he's gone to Uni as a mature student reading computer sciences (and doesn't that make me feel old, having a grandson aged 23 who's a mature student!)

My youngest granddaughter wanted to do languages. So she stayed on in 6th Form (it's a specialist languages school) and had abysmally bad AS grades. So she's now gone to college and is doing a BTEC course on Travel and Tourism, which apparently she loves.

There are far more options than there ever were, but maybe, the mere fact that there are so many, makes it more difficult to choose. The one thing that I would say is: it's no longer either/or at a young age. As my family have shown, it's possible to change direction completely when increasing maturity and worldly experience make it clearer.

'Just send him into the army' is about the worst idea I've ever heard.

I can understand not wanting anything to do with school or further study. There ARE apprenticeships out there - was listening to a programme about them on Radio 4 only a few days ago. In addition to the old-established apprenticeships in e.g. engineering, there are newer ones in the service sector.

Sometimes leisure-time activities give a clue as to the direction someone should take.

HTH

Aunty Margaret

Savvy_Sue

margaretclare wrote:

There are far more options than there ever were, but maybe, the mere fact that there are so many, makes it more difficult to choose. The one thing that I would say is: it's no longer either/or at a young age. As my family have shown, it's possible to change direction completely when increasing maturity and worldly experience make it clearer.

Now that is so true: maybe it won't be the end of the world if Aliasojo's son shelf-stacks or washes dishes for a while. If he loves it, he may find a 'career' in it. If he hates it at least it's something crossed off the list!

I guess the thing I'd want to make clear to my sons that dossing around at home doing nothing is not an option. Gainful occupation includes studying, but if you're not doing that you get a job, any job. If you can't get a job you can keep house for me! Or leave home, which under the age of 18 is not a trivial thing to do.

Another thought: has he chosen the 'wrong' subjects? If he chose subjects he didn't have much aptitude for because he thought at the time they'd be useful for law and he's now struggling as a result, starting over next year might work better.

Good luck anyway, I think I'm going to have a similar struggle when my youngest hits this stage!

angela110660

My middle son has gone through the same as your boy. His elder brother has just done 6th form and is now at Uni. Middle one said that he could not hack all the eldest went through and decided to apply for carpentry. Was offered 3 training places but no job - tried unsuccessfully to find a job himself but GODSEND! was accepted by a trainer called Carillion who are all over the country and have their own training establishments. Son loves it there - gets £50 a week and travelling expenses paid every day. Has learnt so much in a very short time and will shortly be going out on work placement to put things into practice. So glad he has done this even though he got B's and C's at GCSE - because college life is not for everyone.

Helen_from_yorkshire

aliasojo wrote:

He's already done his GCSEs last term...he started A level courses in August (5th year....is that the equivalent to your 6th form???) It was his decision to stay on at school and was happy to do so. 3 months in and he's sick of it and wants to leave.

Did your son stay on at school to study A levels or did he attend a separate college? If he did stay on at school, that may well have contributed to the problems which, in the end, made him decide he wanted to leave.

When my son was thinking about sixth form, he wanted to continue to study at school, however I felt that if he continued to study at school (albeit in sixth form), all the teachers would be the same and he would feel that he hadn't left school at all. I persuaded him to look round other colleges and he preferred one of those to school sixth form in the end and is happy there.

Do you think your son would be interested in starting to study again next September but in another establishment away from school. In the meantime, could he find a temporary job (or several) which would give him an insight and help him choose the career that is right for him.

aliasojo

Thanks for all your replies. I was beginning to feel like a bit of a failure as a Mum as all my friends' kids all seem sorted at this age.

Judging by the replies though, we're not the only ones who have been in this situation so thanks for reminding me of that fact. Sometimes common sense goes out the window when you're so closely involved.

Son just doesn't want to study at all..in any shape or form. He is still at school, not college but I think things have got to the point where it wouldn't matter where he was, he just wouldn't be happy. The courses he's doing are ones he's happy enough with. He did change one course right at the very start of term and was happy with the rest.

We've had a particularly bad weekend and I think I'm going to have to just let him do as he will, otherwise we will have no relationship at all anymore.

Part of me says he's 16 now and I should let things go and step back completely so that son makes all his decisions (even bad ones) by himself.

The other part of me says he's only 16 and he will make bad decisions that as his Mum, I'm supposed to stop him doing. What if he turns round in 6 months time having left school and says...'why didn't you make me???' (He has done this in the past with more trivial things that he's regretted.)

Sorry, don't mean to turn this into an agony aunt thread.

If he leaves school and does nothing (for arguments sake) can he then go to college a year later as easily as he would have if he'd gone straight from school? Would he then have to pay? Adult returners have to fund courses themselves I think I'm right in saying....would it be the same for this situation too?

Spendless

aliasojo wrote:

Thanks for all your replies. I was beginning to feel like a bit of a failure as a Mum as all my friends' kids all seem sorted at this age.

Judging by the replies though, we're not the only ones who have been in this situation so thanks for reminding me of that fact. Sometimes common sense goes out the window when you're so closely involved.

Son just doesn't want to study at all..in any shape or form. He is still at school, not college but I think things have got to the point where it wouldn't matter where he was, he just wouldn't be happy. The courses he's doing are ones he's happy enough with. He did change one course right at the very start of term and was happy with the rest.

We've had a particularly bad weekend and I think I'm going to have to just let him do as he will, otherwise we will have no relationship at all anymore.

Part of me says he's 16 now and I should let things go and step back completely so that son makes all his decisions (even bad ones) by himself.

The other part of me says he's only 16 and he will make bad decisions that as his Mum, I'm supposed to stop him doing. What if he turns round in 6 months time having left school and says...'why didn't you make me???' (He has done this in the past with more trivial things that he's regretted.)

Sorry, don't mean to turn this into an agony aunt thread.

If he leaves school and does nothing (for arguments sake) can he then go to college a year later as easily as he would have if he'd gone straight from school? Would he then have to pay? Adult returners have to fund courses themselves I think I'm right in saying....would it be the same for this situation too?

One of the biggest things I fell out with my mum over as a teenager is not letting me find out things for myself. If I made a mistake at least I learnt from it rather than never did it cos mum wished me not to cos she could see the pitfalls. As a parent that's hard cos we can see the disadvantages coming along. However I have friends in my 30s who still don't do something cos their parents wouldn't be keen on them doing it in case it went wrong. examples are looking round a house prior to them putting their home on the market. Mum didn't want them to look round in case they got their heart set on it and it sold before they could sell theirs!

I've no idea to the last part of your question. Why not set that as a task for your son to find out. Say if you want to leave school fine but if it doesn't work out you need to know if/how much going back to college will cost and you will be expecting him to pay x amount towards it.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

Edinburghlass_2

Is there a chance that if he finds himself a seasonal job now, say in Tesco for the Christmas rush and you send him off with your blessing that the school might take him back in January if he decides he really has made the wrong choice?

Has he thought about the catering trade, where he could be doing day release for exams along with working either in blocks or one day a week?

Sending positive vibes to you all

margaretclare

Thanks for all your replies. I was beginning to feel like a bit of a failure as a Mum as all my friends' kids all seem sorted at this age.

Cheer up. Your friends' kids may SEEM to be 'sorted' but they may not be as sorted as they seem. They may make a different choice a few years down the line, they may decide they don't like their choice, and - worst case scenario - they may end up in a job they hate and with commitments like debts, mortgage, kids etc and unable to change.

I have been impressed recently with the possibilities that there are out there and I just wish I was 50 years younger. I want to read Anglo-Saxon history, language and studies and there are still pretty few places studying what used to be called the European Dark Age.

I digress...

I think a big mistake which has been made, and continues to be made, is the dichotomy between 'academic' and 'practical'. Anyone with a reasonable IQ seems to get channelled into 'academic' and this may not be the right choice. There's a tremendous satisfaction to be gained from working with one's hands, and this is as true of the bright kids as of the others.

My husband, back in 1951, defied his father because he wanted to be an engineer. Dad had - without telling him - organised for him to go into an accountants' office as a learner, whatever they were called then. B dug his heels in, went out to find a company that would take him on as an apprentice, and to his credit, Dad eventually signed his articles after a 3-month period. Dad fancied son in a 'collar-and-tie' job you see, it was 'status', 'my son's an accountant', forgetting the generations of skilled artisans that had gone before and must have been in B's genes. B still loves doing practical things - wonderful to have him around!

The one thing I would say is - don't let him hang around doing nothing. He needs to get out into the real world and do something. An apprenticeship of any kind requires study on day-release basis, but it can be a very salutary experience to be out in the world, and it can be a warning, to see the kind of 'dead-ends' that people can get stuck in if they really make no choices at all.

I think nowadays, any choice is better than none, it looks better on your CV than 'oh, I left school but just dossed around at home'. In a year or two he may feel completely different. And you're most definitely NOT a bad mum!!!

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

RichyRich

Helen_from_yorkshire wrote:

When my son was thinking about sixth form, he wanted to continue to study at school, however I felt that if he continued to study at school (albeit in sixth form), all the teachers would be the same and he would feel that he hadn't left school at all. I persuaded him to look round other colleges and he preferred one of those to school sixth form in the end and is happy there.

Christ I wish I had a mother like you! She insisted on me staying on at school despite the fact that all the teachers knew me, didn't like me (well, most of them) and deliberately went out of their way to make life overly difficult for me (It's very difficult dealing with a bright student who doesn't work at all but still brings out the grades, you see - it gives out the wrong message to the other students and they don't know what to do for the best). I knew what I wanted to enrolled to do my A-Levels at Bradford College, despite being warned by my school and my mother that "I'd probably fail" (what a way to inspire our youth and increase self-esteem, eh?) because "Bradford College is rubbish" (what a well-formed argument).

What actually happened is that I got the best teaching I had ever had in my life, made some amazing friends, received support like I have never experienced before in my life and walked out with 3 As and a C, and am now reading Law & Economics at Cambridge University.

Going to College as opposed to 6th form allows you a clean slate with teachers, peers, etc. Also promotes independent learning so if you do decide to go to university it's a good "stepping stone".

My girlfriend stayed on at school instead of going to college and regrets it.

Rich

margaretclare

RichyRich wrote:

I knew what I wanted to enrolled to do my A-Levels at Bradford College, despite being warned by my school and my mother that "I'd probably fail" (what a way to inspire our youth and increase self-esteem, eh?) because "Bradford College is rubbish" (what a well-formed argument).

What actually happened is that I got the best teaching I had ever had in my life, made some amazing friends, received support like I have never experienced before in my life and walked out with 3 As and a C, and am now reading Law & Economics at Cambridge University.

Going to College as opposed to 6th form allows you a clean slate with teachers, peers, etc. Also promotes independent learning so if you do decide to go to university it's a good "stepping stone".

I think this is what my youngest granddaughter has found. She did very badly in AS levels at the Royd School and went to Wakefield College instead, is now doing BTEC in Travel and Tourism which is sufficiently 'hands-on' but does include the languages she wanted to do as well. She 'thought' she wanted to do pure languages but then found she didn't.

Aunty Margaret