Pointers for 16 year old

illmonkey

i have only read the original post and a few others.. but im going to chuck somes stuff about me in.

When i was 16 i left school, had bad GCSE's (didnt fail, just wasnt A*'s!) i had the summer "off" as i was living at home with no outgoings. My parents didnt mind me leaving school, and none of my family has gone to uni.

After summer was over, i got a temp job just to get some money etc. Found a Data entry job for 3 months, paying around £7.50 PH. Which wasnt too bad as the only outgoing was rent, £100 a month!

When that finished, i got a "real" job, not temp work, as a IT assistant to a IT Manager in a charity. I earnt OK money there, around £13k. Done that for a year, then my brother asked me to work for him, as he had just bought a computer company. So i did that, and took the same sort of wage. Some months i took nothing, as the shop didnt do too well.

That finished about 6 months ago, and since i just turned 19 i have been working for a solicitors supporting the whole office on my own (computers etc) I currently earn £22k a year for 40 hours a week. I earn a great salery and im happy. I have also just got accepted on a house offer.

To sum up:
When i left school, i had a passion for something. I tried to get into the right area of work. When i did, i worked hard and progressed. I havnt been turned down for any interviews, and all my jobs have been the first i applied for. I am 19 years old, buying a house and earning great money for my age. I dont regret leaving school early at all. None of my friends earn nearly as much as me, and even with them having A levels etc they still work in waitrose or similar earning bad pay.
I have no certificates in IT to my name, i just have worked hard at it, and as its my passion i have learned outside of work. Hell, i didnt even do IT in school!

My point:
Let your son do what he wants. My parents done that with all of my brothers, and were all doing really well. I for one am so happy i wasnt forced into UNI or ALevels as it would of made me feel unhappy towards my family and not achive well.

Your son needs support. The day of people NOT going to UNI therefore they dont earn good money is rubbish.

aliasojo

I agree with all that's been said, the problem is I'm an adult and can step back from the situation to see a bigger picture.

Son is 16 and his whole world is centred around 'now', he doesn't have the ability to see anything other than right now.

I've printed off the essay and highlighted the most relevant sections as I think son may glaze at the amount of text.

This will definately be my last input on the matter though, I've done all I can. The line has to be drawn somewhere and I've had enough of fending off his teachers whilst trying to support him and keep his options open. I refuse to lie or make excuses for him but I have been trying to keep the path open for him to return. After 2 full weeks of non-attendance though, I'm sure he will be kicked out shortly.....what a wonderful start to a CV.

After previewing my post, I've just spotted another reply. I hear what you're saying sam.....and to a point I agree. It's not the end of the world if folk don't go on to higher education.

The issue I have is that son doesn't want to stay on at school BUT he doesn't have any alternative options either. He seems to feel dossing about all day is a viable alternative. He doesn't bother even getting up until gone lunchtime these days and the only people he bothers with are lads who have 'dossing' down to a fine art. My argument is that if he has nothing in sight then he'd be as well staying at school. If he had any kind of plan or desire to do something, then I would support him in that......but he doesn't.

I don't give a toss whether he goes to university or not. I also don't give a toss whether he even gets A levels or not. It's not about more qualifications, it's about having a life. It's incredibly easy to get into a rut and incredibly hard to get back out of it. At least staying at school for the time being might stave this off a bit and give him breathing space to work out what he might want to do.

margaretclare

aliasojo wrote:

The issue I have is that son doesn't want to stay on at school BUT he doesn't have any alternative options either. He seems to feel dossing about all day is a viable alternative. He doesn't bother even getting up until gone lunchtime these days and the only people he bothers with are lads who have 'dossing' down to a fine art. My argument is that if he has nothing in sight then he'd be as well staying at school. If he had any kind of plan or desire to do something, then I would support him in that......but he doesn't.

I don't give a toss whether he goes to university or not. I also don't give a toss whether he even gets A levels or not. It's not about more qualifications, it's about having a life. It's incredibly easy to get into a rut and incredibly hard to get back out of it. At least staying at school for the time being might stave this off a bit and give him breathing space to work out what he might want to do.

I agree with all that you say, and this has been my perspective entirely, as a mother, grandmother, stepmother, step-grandmother and unofficial auntie to battalions of kids around.

I don't know what the answer is - as I said in my earlier post today, staying at home and 'dossing' was simply not an option for my generation. Nor was staying on for 'A' levels or Uni quite so open to us - mostly it was school then work of some kind. Mostly parents didn't bother that much - especially with girls - what kind of job it was as 'she'll only get married'. The main thing was, either you were at school or you were expected to contribute to the household expenses if you still wanted to live at home.

I wonder how the young guys expect to live, if as you say they've got 'dossing' down to a fine art. I assume they will want all the 'toys' that they have to have at that age? Do they expect it all to come from their parents for ever?

It might possibly be a good idea for your son to leave and get a job of some kind, any kind, then he might begin to get an idea of the 'real world', that it's not possible to live without earning. Many people get into dead-end jobs through taking the wrong choices early on, but telling him is no good - maybe he needs to see it!

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

illmonkey

dont mean to be horrible but sounds like the kid needs slapped about abit and made to relise what the world is.

If he is expecting to doss all day etc, fine, but hows he going to pay the rent he owes you?
When i got my first job, it put so much into perspective. I still feel bad about what i asked for from my parents, and i didnt ask for huge ammounts!
And i hope he isnt getting pocket money ... at all.
Also, make a point of getting him up early. he cant lul about all damn day. Hoover his room, play loud music, just get him up! ask him to take on responsability, i was making my own dinner when i was 12, i hope you still dont make his!!!

aliasojo

Well that's it. Done and dusted. I am now officially off the case.

Last attempt at talking with son has been met with sullen uncommunicative expression and the odd rude remark such as 'shut up, you don't know what you're talking about' and 'it's my life, just leave me alone' etc.

He tells me he has no interest in what I have to say and just wants to be left alone. He doesn't care about the future, he just wants to do what he wants to do at the moment.

He doesn't know why I'm getting annoyed with him. :rolleyes: The concepts of respect and trust aren't two he appears familiar with. Trying to explain that making promises to people and then breaking them within hours isn't a good way to go, just falls on deaf ears.

So be it. It's getting harder and harder to remain reasonable and fair with him, parental concern may be neverending but the desire to constantly hit your head off a brick certainly is. I feel I have done all I can now and if he wants to be left alone, then he can take on the responsibility of dealling with stuff himself. I've told him that if the school phone then the call will be passed to him to deal with.

You can only help those who want to help themselves and if he ends up as a layabout or in a poorly paid job he hates in the future, then it is not by my doing.

I told him I would leave the school thing alone now, but I expected him to pull his weight around the house if he was going to be home all day. His answer ........'why, it's your house isn't it?' Kinda ironic since he wanted to start a chores rota last week.

He's just a bloody minded little sod right now and I'm torn between loving him and hating him and wanting him to leave 'cos I'm so sick of his rubbish. This isn't the same lad who went out of his way to be helpful and caring. We used to have such a good relationship and could talk about everything up until a couple of years ago. He also used to be such a hard worker, but he's not beyond calling in sick if he just can't be bothered going into work or wants to play in the local team football match.

Sam.....he doesn't get any money from me as he has a weekend job that pays him £30. His Dad pays maintenance for his keep (which technically should stop now if he's left school but he will likely keep going for a while).

He has never had a true understanding of how things work because his Dad has always just thrown money at him. He figured it was no big deal as he could afford to do this and he never understood when I tried to tell him he was doing son no favours in the long run. It's all come home to roost now though.
Anyway, thanks again to everyone who took the time to post. :beer:

Savvy_Sue

aliasojo wrote:

After 2 full weeks of non-attendance though, I'm sure he will be kicked out shortly.....what a wonderful start to a CV.

I hear where you're coming from, but let's face it, he's not about to write his CV, and by the time he does he'll be able to put a far more positive 'spin' on it. Plenty of people drop out of school at this stage, and go back to education afterwards.

aliasojo wrote:

He seems to feel dossing about all day is a viable alternative. He doesn't bother even getting up until gone lunchtime these days and the only people he bothers with are lads who have 'dossing' down to a fine art.

That's the problem, isn't it? I mean, we'd all like to stay in bed until lunchtime (and believe me, I do it when I get the chance!) but it's incredibly annoying when other people do it and I want to get moving!

I hope you can enlist your ex's support in NOT bailing him out unless he's working at getting a job. From what you've said, I know that's not as simple as it sounds. And I know it's hard, but maybe it's time for the "while you're under my roof" conversation. Calm and collected: "You don't have to stay on at school, but you DO have to fill your days with constructive activity. If you can't get a job, here is the laundry basket, there is the shopping list." Plus if you know his friends' parents they're probably as worried as you are - can you all gang up on them?

And if he does leave school, are Connexions any use in your area?

LOVED the article WesternPromise pointed to - have sent the links to my sons, older two have probably found this chap's articles already. But it's helped me with the middle boy's A level choices, which we're in the middle of now. He is just bored with his GCSE work, and I hope it will help him see how he can get round this. My response of "We all have to do boring stuff sometimes" isn't quite hitting the spot!

Edited to add: have just read your latest post aliasojo, all my sympathy! Sometimes there is just no talking to them, and TBH I think the sullenness and the "Shut up" is because they KNOW we are right but can't admit it because that would mean losing face. And I don't know what the answer is to this!

aliasojo

Savvy_Sue wrote:

Plus if you know his friends' parents they're probably as worried as you are - can you all gang up on them?

This is something that's always been a problem as where we live there is a high percentage of 'can't be bothered' parents.

This is a small Highland town which is a hard drinking area and the lads my son hangs about with have parents who party. The kids are left to their own devices, that's partly why son feels so resentful of me....he thinks I'm too strict. I'm not, it's just that he's judging me against poorer role models.

That was one of the reasons why the Canda move seemed to be a good idea, but as you know, it didn't come off.

tru

aliasojo wrote:

Well that's it. Done and dusted. I am now officially off the case.

Last attempt at talking with son has been met with sullen uncommunicative expression and the odd rude remark such as 'shut up, you don't know what you're talking about' and 'it's my life, just leave me alone' etc.

He tells me he has no interest in what I have to say and just wants to be left alone. He doesn't care about the future, he just wants to do what he wants to do at the moment.

He doesn't know why I'm getting annoyed with him. :rolleyes: The concepts of respect and trust aren't two he appears familiar with. Trying to explain that making promises to people and then breaking them within hours isn't a good way to go, just falls on deaf ears.

So be it. It's getting harder and harder to remain reasonable and fair with him, parental concern may be neverending but the desire to constantly hit your head off a brick certainly is. I feel I have done all I can now and if he wants to be left alone, then he can take on the responsibility of dealling with stuff himself. I've told him that if the school phone then the call will be passed to him to deal with.

You can only help those who want to help themselves and if he ends up as a layabout or in a poorly paid job he hates in the future, then it is not by my doing.

I told him I would leave the school thing alone now, but I expected him to pull his weight around the house if he was going to be home all day. His answer ........'why, it's your house isn't it?' Kinda ironic since he wanted to start a chores rota last week.

He's just a bloody minded little sod right now and I'm torn between loving him and hating him and wanting him to leave 'cos I'm so sick of his rubbish. This isn't the same lad who went out of his way to be helpful and caring. We used to have such a good relationship and could talk about everything up until a couple of years ago. He also used to be such a hard worker, but he's not beyond calling in sick if he just can't be bothered going into work or wants to play in the local team football match.

Sam.....he doesn't get any money from me as he has a weekend job that pays him £30. His Dad pays maintenance for his keep (which technically should stop now if he's left school but he will likely keep going for a while).

He has never had a true understanding of how things work because his Dad has always just thrown money at him. He figured it was no big deal as he could afford to do this and he never understood when I tried to tell him he was doing son no favours in the long run. It's all come home to roost now though.
Anyway, thanks again to everyone who took the time to post. :beer:

Thanks for this post, you have no idea just how much it's helped me

aliasojo

Lol, Troo....do I detect a fellow sufferer?

Spendless

aliasojo wrote:

He doesn't know why I'm getting annoyed with him. :rolleyes: The concepts of respect and trust aren't two he appears familiar with. Trying to explain that making promises to people and then breaking them within hours isn't a good way to go, just falls on deaf ears.


:

Not that this helps your current situation but a few years ago I remember seeing a programme about teenagers and a chemical change in their brain which meant they couldn't recognise emotions. The programme Richard and Judy followed it up and got a large family in whose ages ranged from (around) 6 to 20. They showed them pictures of peoples expressions (shock,fear,astonishment,happy, sad) I remember the teenagers did worse whilst the 8 year old got 100% correct. The teenager that came bottom was around 15-17 years old. I took an interest in programme as a friend of mine has a 14 year gap between her 2 and her eldest who must have been around 16/17 at that time was driving her nuts.