Pointers for 16 year old

Spendless

aliasojo wrote:

Thanks A.M. My BIL in heavily involved with the Sea Cadets, he does a lot with them and is very proud of 'his' bunch. The kids you describe are the way I expected my lad to turn out. He had a rich, full life with many achievements at one point. I don't know where it went so badly wrong.

The young people you mention have achieved and can take pride in themselves.

Things are escalating rapidly with my son. See post here for condensed idea of last night's events.

He made his work this morning, but only because I got him up and drove him there. I didn't want to, but nor did I want the people he works for (small family business) to be let down.

As much as it pains me to admit it, I obviously can't make things better and reasoning does nothing. I'm seriously considering getting his Dad to take him. This will mean that son will pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever, but at least his actions wouldn't be affecting us so badly then. I know I will be giving up on him if we go down this route, but I have 2 other kids to think of too and my back's against the wall. I just don't know what to do anymore tbh.

I hate his Father with a vengeance and if I'm honest, I do blame him for a lot of son's problems. If he'd been more of a Father and less of a wallet, I don't think we'd be in this situation now. However I'm sensible and logical enough to know it would not be helpful to start casting up so I bite my tongue once again.

Stress in our house is palpable today.

Hmmm. Pinched the idea from those debt programmes (Spendoholics,Your Money or Your Life) but you know when they show the person something visual and say that is what you money could have been spent on, would it work the opposite way round with your son. Showing him the cost of something that you know would appeal to him, cup final football tickets/trip to DisneyWorld/car anything and showing him how many hours he needs to work to acheive that regardless of whether he stacks shelves or is a solicitor. Even if he just ignores you for now it might be a conversation he thinks back on in a few years time. Re the job he currently has I know you said previously you didn't want to take cash from him but one of your fears were that he'd go and live with his Dad, if you're now thinking that this might be beneficial to the rest of the family-make it clear that you expect board. Other thing I thought of you mentioned him being interested once in doing law, what about suggesting helping him look for an office junior sort of role in this field.

Bennifred

Bennifred wrote:

.......I have just sent my yr11 son upstairs with a copy of the article recommended by westernpromise in the hope that it triggers something hopeful - he is currently at the stage of "Don't know what I want to do, so why stay on at school" and I'm trying to make him see that it's better to keep your options open.......


Anyway, I'll let you know what DS2 makes of the article.........

Well - not sure that was helpful - he reappeared after about 15 minutes saying "That article says I should do what I like" :doh: Well yes it did, but not in the sense that he took it to mean :rolleyes: Oh, well.......

Sorry to hear you had such a bad night, Aliasojo. I reckon it may be time to follow Savvy_Sue's advice about making him pay board, and if he ends up going to his Dad's then at the very least you get a break from the constant battles. He won't find it as wonderful as he may think, and I bet his Dad won't fancy indulging him so much after an initial honeymoon period.
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry too much - I think your boy is a good one at heart, he'll find his way back eventually.

aliasojo

Savvy_Sue wrote:

Oh dear. I hope you let your son know (in a factual kind of way) that the only reason you gave him a lift was because you didn't want his employers to be let down, and that you're not making a habit of it, but if he doesn't want the job could he please do the adult thing and resign.

Yip, made absolutely crystal clear.

But presumably even dad will find he can't buy his way out of his responsibilities and reach an understanding with son. Your ex must be holding down a good job to be able to be a walking wallet, so there's some example there. "Dad can only be as generous as he is because he works for his money! You don't have to stay on in 6th form but if you don't you have to work!"

Dad is loaded as he works offshore in the oil industry and has no other family. He hasn't held a relationship together for longer than a month in the 9 years he's been on his own. He's also extremely tight...to the point of sitting in the dark rather than putting money in his electricity meter sometimes. (I kid you not!) He will happily take off others and he eats Pot Noodles for tea. The kids go to visit him for a weekend and come home starving. Yet he always manages to spend money on fun things and expensive gadgets. He recently gave son £150 towards a PA system as son fancied getting a microphone. He is a 45 year old man who lives as a teenager. He deals with his role as Father by buying his title. The best of it is....everyone who knows him thinks he's a great bloke as they only ever see the man who is a laugh in the pub or the Dad who spends money on his kids. I feel physically sick with frustration sometimes.

He doesn't 'do' rules and if son wanted to sit unwashed all weekend with stinking breath cos he hadn't brushed his teeth, then Dad wouldn't care. He also admits he lets things go because it's easier.

I had no idea he was such a shallow person when we got together. I was very much the stronger of the two and I just got on with things so the issues weren't really apparent at the time.

Spendless, son did his work experience in a solicitor's office and he loved it. He had to take documents to court and meet with people etc and he enjoyed his time there. He was universally well liked and he got a really good reference and feedback from the lawyer he 'worked for' and I've already suggested he tried calling him to ask if there was anything available. 'Mmmmm maybe' was the answer. Again I think this is back to his tendancy to say things and then not bother carrying them through.

He is desperate to get his driving licence and a car next year. I've already offered to help him out with the costs if he makes the effort too, but it's easier for him to just talk about it and do nothing. He is fully under the impression that his Dad will fund most of it anyway. Dad thinks it's good for him to drive so will just get the wallet out again. It wouldn't make any difference what I said, son has already told me that his Dad agrees with anything I say on the phone then comes off and turns to the kids and says things like 'I'm tired of speaking to that woman, I'll do what I want'.

I really AM fighting a losing battle. It's so annoying as son was brought up by ME with irregular visits to Dad, and I always thought my influence would have made more of a mark. It always seemed to previously, but I think his inbuilt character has just come to the fore now. I'm losing hope that this is a just a really bad phase he's going through. He really was a good kid before all this, I think that's why I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with it all.

This thread started in an attempt to gather info with regard to son's job prospects, which was the main issue. Within a very short space of time son's behaviour has degenerated to such an extent that the original topic seems almost irrelevent now.

However, as always, I'm grateful for your thoughts.

Savvy_Sue

Bennifred wrote:

Well - not sure that was helpful - he reappeared after about 15 minutes saying "That article says I should do what I like" :doh: Well yes it did, but not in the sense that he took it to mean :rolleyes: Oh, well.......

I thought it said "Work hard at school, treat it like a day job (ie take personal responsibility for what you do)"! But then, I'm a mum

Savvy_Sue

Well, while it might be fun to spend a week unwashed and with stinky breath, if the lights are off (and presumably the other electrics as well!) I can't see your son lasting that long there ... Plus I thought Dad didn't want him there if he wasn't? You can at least hope that Dad will say no!

aliasojo

Lol, the electricity thing was for background information, I expect he would feed the meter if son was there.

Dad wasn't happy at son being there if he was away offshore, that's true, but he did say before that he would put up with it if need be.

trafalgar_2

aliasojo wrote:

Lol, the electricity thing was for background information, I expect he would feed the meter if son was there.

Dad wasn't happy at son being there if he was away offshore, that's true, but he did say before that he would put up with it if need be.

I doubt he will feel the same way after 'putting up with it ' for a while ,and prehaps your son will weary of being an out of work slob (no offence intended) sitting arouind on his backside all the time once the novelty wears off ,even if his dad does hand money over ,he won't be there to give him all the time when he's working.


and if it doesn't ,to be honest he would head that way no matter what you did now ............you've set the foundation stones ............sometimes you have to step back and see what he'll do with them,or he'll fight you all the way anyhow

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Hello Aliasojo, truly sorry to hear you're weekend is something of a nightmare.
Don't despair, my girlfriend left school asap did all kinds of low paid jobs, got married at 18, had three kids, stayed at home until the youngest was 8 then did part time work for Age Concern. Then went to uni part time, did a law degree, got a job as a trainee solicitor and is now working full time and earning squillions!
Her mum is thrilled becasue she thought she was a lost cause leaving school at 16 marrying when she didn't know here own mind (!) and not doing anything that ever earned much more than the minimum wage. So your son has time on his side!
Some parents are astonished that their kids don't appreciate their sacrifices - how easy is that for kids, they only have experience of living the life they live and children don't develop empathy until they're about 10 or 11. I'm absolutely certain at 16 I didn't appreciate how long my mum saved for to buy a new three piece suite, and why should I have - it was hers, not mine. 16 is a very strange age - one foot in childhood and one foot in adulthood and emotions all over the shop and people treating them as grownups one minute and children the next.
You'll get through it - it's just when you're in the thick of it it's difficult to realise things will change. Chin up, remember a mother's place is always in the wrong. And like the poet said 'home is the place that when you get there, they have to take you in' so if your son goes to live with dad you might find he appreciates you and home a bit more. Good luck

Edinburghlass_2

I really AM fighting a losing battle. It's so annoying as son was brought up by ME with irregular visits to Dad, and I always thought my influence would have made more of a mark. It always seemed to previously, but I think his inbuilt character has just come to the fore now. I'm losing hope that this is a just a really bad phase he's going through. He really was a good kid before all this, I think that's why I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with it all.

Please don't lose hope aliasojo, I know you and you are more of a fighter than this. It may appear as if your influence hasn't made a mark but I am equally sure that it has and he will come out of this. He is still a good kid at heart but is it "cool" to be a good kid? Probably not.

I do so wish I could just pop round but I can't so sending postive vibes to you all.

Savvy_Sue

Dora_the_Explorer wrote:

Chin up, remember a mother's place is always in the wrong.

:rotfl: Don't know about aliasojo, but I had forgotten that! Will remember it next time I have a run-in with one of mine ...