Pointers for 16 year old

Savvy_Sue

aliasojo wrote:

What if he turns round in 6 months time having left school and says...'why didn't you make me???' (He has done this in the past with more trivial things that he's regretted.)

You warn him now that you will not have a guit trip if he tries that one, and when he does you say "I tried, please tell me how I was supposed to 'make' you, this is the end of this discussion."

RichyRich

Tell him he's an adult now and needs to make an adult decision.

Rich

aliasojo

RichyRich wrote:

Tell him he's an adult now and needs to make an adult decision.

Rich

Lol....I appreciate the sentiment but if only saying it made it so, I would be one happy Mum.

Son didn't go to school yesterday or today. It wont be long before the school makes the decision for him and kicks him out anyway.

We talked about options again last night including dropping one or more courses but none appeal to son. If he leaves school he doesn't even want to register with the Careers Service. I fear I may have a future bum on my hands.

I'm fighting a losing battle and will have to step back now I think. Stress levels are set at a constant high and son tells me he wants to stay with his Dad now. I'm the only person in son's life who 'parents' therefore I am obviously the butt of his resentment. (Son texted his Dad to ask if he could spend today with him, Dad texted back to ask what about school, son said he had a day off, so Dad said ok. Simple as that.) Perhaps if my ex husband fulfilled his role as a parent rather than his usual playmate and walking wallet role, son would be less likely to just see me in such a negative way.

Anyway, thanks to all who have replied, I appreciate the info and support, although it's obvious now that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Spendless

aliasojo wrote:

Lol....I appreciate the sentiment but if only saying it made it so, I would be one happy Mum.

Son didn't go to school yesterday or today. It wont be long before the school makes the decision for him and kicks him out anyway.

We talked about options again last night including dropping one or more courses but none appeal to son. If he leaves school he doesn't even want to register with the Careers Service. I fear I may have a future bum on my hands.

I'm fighting a losing battle and will have to step back now I think. Stress levels are set at a constant high and son tells me he wants to stay with his Dad now. I'm the only person in son's life who 'parents' therefore I am obviously the butt of his resentment. (Son texted his Dad to ask if he could spend today with him, Dad texted back to ask what about school, son said he had a day off, so Dad said ok. Simple as that.) Perhaps if my ex husband fulfilled his role as a parent rather than his usual playmate and walking wallet role, son would be less likely to just see me in such a negative way.

Anyway, thanks to all who have replied, I appreciate the info and support, although it's obvious now that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Have you mentioned being a 'bum' isn't an option you will be expecting x for housekeeping and until he finds a job you will be expecting him doing jobs round the house in return?

No offense intended here but re XH- is it possible that he could think the school is shut due to teacher training/no heating or that he gets free periods in his study that works out he doesn't have to attend school every day. If school was shut due to a reason I've mentioned and XH rang you to double check would you be okay with that or cross with him assuming your son was fibbing? I also think if son goes to live with Dad he will find it totally different to dad being playmate and money source.

Judging by your posts you sound stressed out at the min. Not sure if you work but what about a day off and you and son so you can go to careers office/job centre etc together to see if you can come up with some options.

Good Luck

aliasojo

I'm afraid ex husband doesn't 'do' parental in any way shape or form. Never has and freely admits it. He much prefers path of least resistance regardless of the effect it may have.

He is up on the situation, and knows exactly what has been happening, but isn't prepared to even attempt to do anything other than his usual. He works offshore and is away for longish periods so he doesn't get involved much (his choice). He's not keen on son going to stay with him as he doesn't want to give up his job nor does he want son to be in his house whilst he's away working. He said he didn't think there was any point in even talking to son about the school/work thing and his whole input on the subject was to slag son off when they went shopping to Somerfield and he pointed out that son would be working there soon.

Son also admits that Dad has never been a proper Dad but from a kids point of view...this can only be beneficial. Son gets all the good stuff from a well off Dad and none of the hassle. I have to all intents and purposes been sole carer and ex has been sole playmate. Obviously not a good situation but you can't make folk act in different ways unfortunately.

I've become used to this but it has meant I have had to be even more 'parental' than I would have had to have been if I'd had support from ex. Always been 'cope-able' with up until now but we've reached a point where it's no longer the run of the mill day to day stuff we're dealing with and son's decisions now could potentially affect his whole life.

I'm very frustrated and I'm very worried. My once motivated and clever lad seems to have developed into someone with no desire to do anything now, and I seem to be the only one who's concerned.

I was hoping I could come up with alternative suggestions that might inspire him (hence this thread) but so far....... . Living where we do doesn't help either.

Re: the 'bum' thing....I did say he couldn't just doss around the house all day, and son asked why? :rolleyes: He still works at the weekend and I think he thinks this takes the heat off.

Stressed? You betcha!

Spendless

Does he currently keep all of his weekend job money? What about mentioning if he packs in college and doesn't work during week then you will be expecting x amount of his weekend money in housekeeping. Will your child benefit stop as soon as he finishes school? What about your tax credit money/maintainance from his Dad (assuming you get some) will that go down? You can check tax credits here https://www.entitledto.com. You could show him the figures and say since your household income will be reduced you are expecting so much from his wages towards it.

aliasojo

Yes, I broached the money subject too. The CB payments for him would stop. Thanks for link for tax credit info btw.

I think if son wasn't working or at school, ex would continue to pay maintenance. He can afford to and it isn't a great deal so it wouldn't bother him to keep paying. (One thing in his favour, lol.)

Son's weekend money is only £30 and he uses it to pay for his toiletries and clothes. I would feel harsh expecting him to pay something from that tbh. Bus fares into main town are almost £6 return.


Edited to remove tax credit info....been told I put up too much personal financial information. :rolleyes:

Spendless

aliasojo wrote:

Yes, I broached the money subject too. The CB payments for him would stop. Thanks for link for tax credit info btw.

I think if son wasn't working or at school, ex would continue to pay maintenance. He can afford to and it isn't a great deal so it wouldn't bother him to keep paying. (One thing in his favour, lol.)

Son's weekend money is only £30 and he uses it to pay for his toiletries and clothes. I would feel harsh expecting him to pay something from that tbh. Bus fares into main town are almost £6 return.


Edited to remove tax credit info....been told I put up too much personal financial information. :rolleyes:

Don't know if anyone else viewed but I've only just come back from school so I def didn't see your personal info.

I suppose you could say I will lose £11 a week CB (cos higher rate will go to your youngest) and x in tax credits (if you do) per week, so out of your £30 i am expecting £5-£10 a week to conteract this. This still leaves him with £20/25 per week. This gets him used to handing over some cash each week even if you find you end up giving it back in bus fares. If it was put to me find a full time job and give x amount, stop at college/school keep your w/end money or pack in school only work at w/end but you'll only be keeping so much I don't think I'd go for last option.

trafalgar_2

If he's not in full - time education then he really needs to start realising what living costs are incurred ..........that means he needs to start paying his keep,even though he only earns £30,you should make him pay a fair portion of that in 'rent'


the less money he has ,the more likely he is to get a job or rethink college:D

aliasojo

Oh I can sense another poll re: dig money coming on. :rotfl:

I always thought I was quite hard on him but you two make me look soft.

I do see your point about if he didn't have money so he'd have to do something, but I'm slightly concerned the something might be to leave home. I don't think he's anywhere near mature enough for that.

Good Dad / Bad Mum springs up again. Good Dad treats son easy and spends money on him, Bad Mum gets on his case and takes money off the small amount he has each week. It's yet another knife in our relationship (which is very tentative to say the least, at the moment).

I'm not sure we need the added stress of adding dig money into the equation at the moment, although I see the sense in bringing it up.

I didn't sign up for all this anxiety....I signed up for a small pink thing or blue thing that smelt of talc. How did I get here? :rotfl: