Divorce??

paddy's_mum

I think your husband has an extremely arrogant attitude and delusions as to just how much power over the welfare of you and the children he wields. If it comes to a Judge ordering that the house be sold, your husband will not be in any kind of position to dictate just who and who is not allowed to buy it. Is he afraid that your family might attempt to rescue you?

Getting bolshy with your eldest daughter is doing himself no favours either since she is at an age where she will remember his hurtfulness and it may be many years before she will forgive him.

He cannot prevent you having visitors to the home and in your shoes, I would be having a string of decent, acceptable people round (mother, sister, cousin?) just so that you feel you don't have to endure the recriminatory silences, the unpleasant comments. It will soon be school summer holidays and there will be a lot of pleasant evenings where you can take the kids to the park and avoid him.

This is a man who has been caught with his pants down (either literally or metaphorically), and is angry as hell at being found out. Now, behaving like a cornered rat, he is hoping that if he snarls long and loud enough, you will be in fear and back off. Have you got family back-up or a close friend upon whom you can rely?

I wouldn't be in contact with the "other woman" either - it could rebound if she and he are colluding to trap you into so-called admissions that could at some point in the future be used against you. Even if she has not committed the ultimate betrayal with him, she presumably did know he was married and her part in this (whether messing about or adultery) does her reputation no good whatever.

I wish you a peaceful weekend and, along with many others here, would entreat you to get legal advice as soon as you possibly can. I would also echo the earlier advice of lodging copies of everything with a trusted outsider. It's amazing what goes missing when the word divorce gets mentioned. Good luck and I shall be thinking of you.

helpMe_2-2

tbh, i know it sounds bad but I can't get over how he's treating me! we've been together since we were teenagers and we've worked hard to build up what we have. I can't believe he sacrificed this all for some girl he doesnt even care about. You're so right about a cornered rat - those were the EXACT words I used on him. It is really hard though, him being so mean not only to me but the kids. I keep saying to him, I dont know why we should suffer because of what he did? How is that fair?

paddy's_mum

I think I might take the opportunity of getting the children out of the house for a few hours. Then tell your husband, calmly and logically, that he is doing himself no favours by being so spiteful and that the next time he says something nasty to any of you, you will remind him what a huge hole he is digging for himself by miming the actions of someone with a spade. It may make him very angry but if you keep on silently pointing out what he is doing, it may eventually sink in.

Also tell him that you are no longer prepared to discuss any important matter whatever except through your respective solicitors. It is my belief that once he realises that bullying and intimidation are getting him nowhere but deeper into the "manure", he may just be shocked into sorting out the problems in a decent, adult fashion.

It will be hard to prevent yourself from crying and begging him to talk to you since you are yourself so shocked and upset. However, it's a funny thing - my experience with men who are bar stewards is that the moment they have what they fought so hard to attain, they don't want it anymore. So far, it seems that he is the one dictating just about everything. Grab some of that control back, keep dignified, and SEE THAT SOLICITOR! (lecture over!)

patchwork_cat

I feel for you helpme. The betrayal is really hurting and then there is the second betrayal of his attitude since, is that right? You really need to see a solicitor or are you not seeking legal advice because you don't want the marriage to end? Do you really want him out? If so could you co-erce him into leaving e.g say - I really want some space to calm down and forgive you, please move out for a fortnight to let me get my head together and start to forgive you.

If you have decided divorce is the only way you need to see a solicitor and start having things like his treatment of your daughter documented.

I think you need to decide in your mind what you want and what you would do to get that and follow through. I am afraid that in the same situation I would be ruthless.

SuziQ

I am so sorry to read this. It sounds very much like my first marriage breakdown. My ex was adament I wouldn't get the house etc,but I got good legal advice,stood firm,got the house valued realistically (Ie not the jumped up prices that EA use to attaract your custom) and then made him an offer to keep the endowments whilst I got the house-the equity and endowments at the time were closeish in value although he got slightly less iykwim. After a few weeks bravado my husband lashed out at me one day when I wouldn't rise to the bait during an argument (he has Lupus and very short temper etc). He actually frightened himself as much as me and moved out immediately,I think my dd's reaction (she was only 6 at the time) opened his eyes to what he had done. After a few swaps of solicitors letters,he decided paying legal fees was a mugs game and capitulated-although I had to pay for all the legal costs of the divorce as he sacked his solicitor and refused to get another.I felt it was a small price to pay to be shot of him (although he sees the kids when he can be bothered or when I have nagged him senseless for a few weeks.)

What shocks me about your account is that this business with the other woman seems to be only a very small part of the despicable way he is treating you. You are ceratinly going to be much better off without him,but you do need to get legal advice as soon a possible-a friend of mine returned from work and picking up her daughter from the childminders to find her husband had changed the locks on her and refused entry. She called police who said it was a domestic and wouldn't get involved although they did advise her to let him cool down and go to her mums. He then said she had walked out of the huse-the legal battle rages on,she has just been awarded legal aid though so hopefully she can try to push it forward now.
What a nasty man-most certainly he is using the 'attack as the best form of defence' tactic.

kimlisa66

helpMe wrote: »

Its not a joke. She sent him videos of herself (use your imagination!) which he stored on my computer. His phone statement proves that he was messaging her at least 8 times a day.

Hey hun, I was in exactly the same situation last October. My OH left, blaming me for ignoring him whilst I was setting up my own business. I smelt a rat, hacked his online phone bill and found he had been texting his best mates wife over a thousand times in two weeks....utterly incredible, hardcore texting. I was even watching the text ping up in real time whilst I knew he was out with his mate and his wife...best mate had no idea and neither did I.

Anyway, he started with the 'You wont get the house' scenario' I have three kids, 20 18 and 10, although 20 yr old is in the army and only returns at weekends. It also transgressed to threatening text messages and harassment and I had to have an injucntion and Occupation order issued. He is now paying the mortgage and I am paying the other bills. I get Tax Credits which is helping enormously.

You have no idea how strong a position you are in. If he continues his bullying, which is all this is, go down the injunction route. You should get legal aid like I did.

He is trying to frighten you with his lies about what will happen to the house etc, so get to that Solicitor as soon as you can and let the lying cheating son of a b*** have it with both barrels.

I know exactly how you are feeling hunny but it does get better in time, you need to stay strong, draw in support from family and friends, and do not allow yourself to be abused by him, because that is what he is, an abuser.

Kim x

ceebeeby

Oooh, he sounds like a bit of git, however, he's your git!

Do you want to get divorced? Bear in mind you've been with him since teenagers, is this solveable, or over for ever?

helpMe_2-2

Well nothing's changed But at least I can say I've tried. My husband is still contacting and meeting her and coming back here and its torture for me. Today I've made the decision to contact the CAB and find a solicitor. Does anyone have any tips on finding a decent family lawyer?

Red_Fraggle_3

Do you have any friends who may be able to suggest a good solicitor

Make sure you have everything written down before you go - that way you dont forget anything and end up calling the solicitor again - save you money

lilac_lady

A leopard never changes its spots so you are right to get a lawyer to help you. You're in a stronger position than your OH thinks and are a stronger woman too. Good luck.