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Its ok , so he thinks ......
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My Boys are staying with their dad Always ..
He would never hurt them , I know that. It just seems that when hes been drinking, he looses any self control............
That's what my Mum thought, she had no idea he used to beat us too. We assumed she knew and either didn't care or couldn't stop it.
When she finally left him my sister stayed with him, his behaviour was just normal to us, part of who he was. We didn't know any better and of course we would never have actually spoken to anyone about it, not even Mum. We were all too frightened to speak, and had all learned from an early age what happens if you don't keep your mouth shut.
Your kids deserve better, all kids do.When I had my loft converted back into a loft, the neighbours came around and scoffed, and called me retro.0 -
I've just read and re-read this thread. Have I understood correctly - you have a tenancy in your name and 2 children. Your BF (is he the father of the children?) doesn't actually live with you but visits and stays over several times a week. The rest of the time he stays at his parents home. He hits you about every six weeks.
You write 'My boys are staying with their dad always.' What exactly do you mean?
I'm sorry if I've misunderstood the situation but I am a bit puzzled. How can the boys stay with their dad (your BF?) if he hasn't a home for them?0 -
If he doesnt live with you, and he has already hit you ? Why is he still your boyfriend ? ?
you need out Mandi. You know there is only one answer,thats end it !0 -
I sense it hasnt always been this way, and you are hoping/thinking it will go back to normal. Drink is not an excuse, and neither does saying sorry justify it.
His beatings and im sure abusive comments to go with them have probably effected your self -esteem, and dont get self-esteen mixed with confidence, they are not the same thing. I also suspect this confidence is when he is being "nice to you" and you think "how much you love him" etc.
It will always be hard when children are involved even if they are not his, but think long term, this will further effect you physically, your self-esteem and who you are and they will notice - children pick up on a lot more than people ever realise and it will always live with them even if they a re physically not hurt themselves.
Think about it this way - if you knew/saw your mum getting beat by someone how would you feel? This is how it is for them!
If you break up with him, it doesnt have to be the end if he can get help. If he finds someone else when you are not together he wasnt/isnt worth it, and if you are happier without im your and your boys life will be forever better.
Sorry for such a long response, but life is short enough, be happy.£2 Savers club £0/£150
1p a day £/0 -
lindsaygalaxy wrote: »children pick up on a lot more than people ever realise and it will always live with them even if they a re physically not hurt themselves.
This is not going to be an easy post to write because it tears at the deepest heart of me.
It's not about abuse, because I was never abused, but it is about children picking up on things...
As a kid I was never quite sure if my mum would hug me or ignore me, though in truth I can only remember two hugs, and they are memorable because they were hugs.
I used to go to other kids houses and see the closeness and warmth between my schoolmates and their mums (and not actually know then what it was (too young to be able to put the proper names to what I saw)) - I just "knew" that it was different and "more than" anything me and mum had.
I learned to sit quiet, and breathe gently so that my parents couldn't hear me, and it was a long lo-o-ong time before I even knew I was doing this and it wasn't until my mid thirties that someone pointed out my very quiet and non obtrusive behaviour around others. Even knowing that, it took one other event to start me on the path of self knowledge. It was my parent's 25th Wedding anniversary when mum took me on one side to tell me that she was sorry. She had been so devastated by the death of her own mum when she was only nine that she swore to herself that if she ever had kids they would never be as hurt as she had been should she die while they were young. So she never EVER displayed love and affection and avoided all contact that could be construed as bonding.
As a child, as you may have gathered from the earlier bits, I knew that "something" was not right - I just didn't have a clue as to what it was.
Those of you who have been around a while, and especially if you read Old Style may have noticed that I haven't been around a great deal over the past eighteen months or so. That's because I've been going through the last (I hope) remains of this legacy that I learned at my mother's knee. She never told me any of this stuff... I just picked it up.... how to keep people at a distance, never let them close (as in, if you let someone close to you they can stick a knife in you, and they will, and it'll hurt)... don't love someone, never let them love you... not that I ever had names for this stuff as a kid - it was just the way I behaved. Because I didn't learn love at my mother's knee as most people do - I learned how to keep it away.
Knives, feelings, emotions, love... who the heck can know the difference when they've never been taught?
I'm in my mid fifties now and I've never had a relationship that lasted more than two years. By then I'm wanting out because they're getting too close and my learned behaviour meant that I would do anything to make them back off. I just could not bring myself to keep them in my life, and for sure not to let them in any closer.
I've now been in a relationship (on and off) for two and a half years. And the "off" time was my fault.
My girlfirend, gawd knows how, "read" that I was drawing ever closer to her - yet was subconsciously afraid of getting in any deeper. She dumped me. And quite rightly too! But we somehow managed to stay friends and talked pretty much every day as friends (which in fact was the way our relationship started) and slowly but surely I came to realise "where" I was coming from.
I talked all of this "stuff" through with her. Self examination at this deep level is emotionally exhausting and bloody hard to do. Really puts you through the wringer. Absolutely knocks you flat. Well, it does me. Then one day, after a whole bunch of stuff over several months she rang me at ten to two in the morning... "I just wanted to tell you that I love you. Bye". I rang her straight back and said "You just wasted a phone call 'cos I knew that already". Guess you had to be there... but now, for the first time in my whole life I knew and "accepted" and "welcomed" the fact that someone loved me. It's still scary at times - but it's no longer the dreaded paralysing terrifying stuff that wants me to get out at all costs. I never even used to know that I was scared - only that I wanted out.
As I said, I'm in my mid fifties and I'm finally working through the (wrong) things that I learned at my mother's knee when she never ever stated verbally what she was doing (withdrawal of love), never beat me, or verbally or emotionally abused me... never. Just the "simple" act of withdrawal of love.
Fifty years it's taken me to get this far. You know... when my mother dies... IF I go to her funeral at all - I won't be going to my mum's funeral... I'll just be going to the funeral of some woman I used to know.
I get the feeling it's going to take me a while longer to get past that one and come to terms with it.
The reason I've written all this is to try and say that your kids don't have to "see" or "feel" the abuse that you are currently suffering. At levels they won't be able to put names to - they'll "know" that things are wrong. They'll "learn" how to behave just like you - how to defend themselves - and they won't have any idea why from what or from who or the why of it... but they'll do it just the same.
The situation your kids are in right now is worse than mine ever was and, as I say, it has taken me years and years to even realise that it even happened, and many more still to come to terms with it and finally move on towards leading a much more normal life.
They really don't have to see it or be recipients of it to be affected by it. At very deep unconsiously learned levels.
Get out of this, lass. Now. Please.Hi, I'm a Board Guide on the Old Style and the Consumer Rights boards which means I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly and can move and merge posts there. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an inappropriate or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. It is not part of my role to deal with reportable posts. Any views are mine and are not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.DTFAC: Y.T.D = £5.20 Apr £0.50
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What a post by Squeaky. I'm sure it was very hard to write and I just wanted to say that it was a very thought provoking read. Good to see you about again btw.Baby Year 1: Oh dear...on the move
Lily contracted Strep B Meningitis Dec 2006 :eek: Now seemingly a normal little monster. :beer:
Love to my two angels that I will never forget.0 -
Mandi - it's not alright what's happening. It's not alright for you or for your children. It's great that you've posted, because it means you're thinking about it, and you know it's not alright. If what you need is to post and have people reinforce it to you, then it's working.
You need to end the relationship, before it ends itself. I'm sure you know this also, and nothing anyone says can make you make that final push. It all seems so impossible now, but I promise you, when you finally do take that leap into the unknown, you'll find it so easy a path to walk... you and your children will be happier without this man around.0 -
What a post by Squeaky. I'm sure it was very hard to write and I just wanted to say that it was a very thought provoking read. Good to see you about again btw.
Thanks.
I'm not trying to make this about me at all - I'm trying to say that things happen around the lives of children that they learn from in a very informal way and at very deep levels, and that these things can affect the rest of their lives very deeply without them actually being aware of anything that is "wrong" with them at all.
If it hadn't been for other people telling me things, and very much my mum finally "coming clean" after twenty five years - gawd knows how little of this deep self I'd be aware of now.
Not that I want to make all parents paranoid or anything - but when you know in your heart that something is wrong in your life, there is a good chance that your kids, at some level, will know it too.
It was no good me just saying the above in this post - it would just be "someone spouting off" unless I talked about the why of it.Hi, I'm a Board Guide on the Old Style and the Consumer Rights boards which means I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly and can move and merge posts there. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an inappropriate or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. It is not part of my role to deal with reportable posts. Any views are mine and are not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.DTFAC: Y.T.D = £5.20 Apr £0.50
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What a moving post you have written Squeaky. So very pleased to hear the sun has come out for you. While not agreeing with all of Phillip Larkin's sentiments, that poem he wrote which begins
'They F++ck you up, your Mum and Dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra just for you. '
and the last verse
'Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can
And don't have any kids yourself.'
A bit bleak but with the ring of truth. Sadly! Anyway, you seem to have overcome your heritage Squeaky. Goodonyer mate.0 -
I can still recall the intuitive fear I had, walking home from school at times, that my loving, but violent father would be knocking my mum around. My brother 's lng term mental health problems and inability to function in a settled family life are largely down to how we as children 'managed' the circumstances we were brought up in. We lived under a cloud, even if we did not witness it we knew of it from the atmostsphere.
I was not attacked as a child, but as i got older on getting between my father when he again went for my mother , I bore the finger marks around my neck where he tried to throttle me, on another ocassion he threw a pan of hot water over me as I moved in front of her. I could'nt leave home even then because I felt guilty at the thought of leaving my mum to this. I felt I had no choice, but to stay to try to protect her. The violence ended as he 'mellowed' in his fifties but peace was short lived as he died.
If your boyfriend is hitting you, I think you know what to do. If you do not want help for yourself, then please find a safer home for your children. Do it now, whilst they are young, you are choosing this, they have no choice.0
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