Dealing with your baby's grandparents

pawsies · 8 July 2012 at 6:35PM

Maybe ask your OH's other family for advice aswell. In particular the most recent newborn, to see what they find works/annoying etc and see if there is some common ground that works?

If they express similar annoyance, maybe have a family meal or something- she can't fuss over all her grandchildren at once can she?
Then at the meal the other relatives can 'back you up' on things you are doing that are 'wrong'?

liney · 8 July 2012 at 6:35PM

I'm less worried about having her talk about me behind my back or try to convince me to stop breastfeeding than I am about her being in a position to disturb the baby's routine.

I'd be tempted to play her at her own game if something like that happens. Leave the rooom, change the subject, or don't respond, just like she does

I know it's difficult, but it's your child. If she trotts off to the bedroom you call her back and tell her not to disturb the baby. If she pretends not to hear you, you physically escort her back and tell he she is disturbing the baby. You do not have to justify yourself to her.

freyasmum · 8 July 2012 at 7:25PM

I'm afraid I have no advice, only huge amounts of sympathy

I had it with the ex's mother... I didn't want nappy cream on my daughter. She 'knew better', she put it on. The only time my daughter ever had a rash was when she'd been at their house.

I didnt want my daughter to have a dummy. She was breastfed and the dummy couldve confused her. Yep, she gave her a dummy cos she liked them.

I didn't want them to wash her clothes, cos they didn't dry them properly - they'd be sent back, scrunched up in a wet ball in the bottom of a carrier and I lost the amount of clothes the lunatic ruined with mould - every time, shed be sent back with ruined clothes :mad:

And the ex was useless, only did what his mummy told him to do, not what I wanted/what the health visitor said.

Now what she did with her kids 30 years before might've been what suited then, but not now. And I'm not above help, but I mean real help... not unwanted/unneeded interfering.

I love my own parents to bits, but my god they have their moments too. My dad let's her stay up for as long as she wants - I'm the only who gets reprimanded for saying that's not acceptable :wall: He also gives her sweets before dinner. I know this is because his own mother gave him nothing growing up - his dad was sent out to work on a bit of bread and butter (not-so-little cheese, she'd eat that herself) and, once the kids were in bed, shed sit and scoff a steak to herself - but it doesn't help me with bringing her up!

My mum, however, is a law unto her own. If I say black, she says white. If I say no, my monster will go and ask her and shell say yes. I will again say no, and shell huff and puff, with my daughter pleading with her. Shell then put on a put-upon face and say 'well, I would've let you.. but SHE says no

'. I've asked her countless times to not do this and just back me up, but she just huffs an then does the same again next time. It's getting to the point where I don't want to go over to their house

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to take over your thread! But it's so, so important that you get this nipped in the bud before the resentment grows

Good luck

whitewing · 8 July 2012 at 7:39PM

Ours has developed a habit of asking our toddler if she wants to go to the park/have drinking chocolate etc etc in frontof us, so that we look like the bad guys if we say no. She also refuses to be paid for minding, and then because she is not being paid thinks it entitles her to do what she feels. You can kill with kindness.

What is really sad is that we tolerate it at the moment and haven't said too much, but she also offered to babysit another much younger baby for someone else. And similar not-considering-that-their-circumstances-are-different-to-hers (can't be specific in case someone recognises), I think means that she will be quietly dropped from baby's regular life. She has a lot of love to give but doesn't really listen and take note of different opinions and couldn't handle criticism.

mishkanorman · 8 July 2012 at 8:55PM

If she has no experience with breastfeeding I would play on that, if she disagrees with the routine perhaps say things like "well you may not realise but things need to be done slightly differently with breast fed babies and settling them into a routine"

Not to say you try and make her look stupid but just like you know better than she does, if that makes sense.

Errata · 8 July 2012 at 9:19PM

Sounds like MIL will be an untrammelled joy! You might as well have the mother of all rows with her the second she starts so she knows exactly what's what. It might be such a novel situation for her she will behave herself.

Slinky_Malinky · 8 July 2012 at 11:15PM

You and your hubby need to be strong and stick to your guns.

My own mum interfered and undermined me at every turn and I put up with it to keep the peace. I won`t bore you with the details and I do not claim to be the perfect mother but I honestly think that her interference has made raising my son much harder. The experts really are right that consistency is important to a child.

My mum and I used to be so close, best friends but I just don`t feel the same toward her now as I feel she has caused so much damage to my relationship with my son. I hope you can manage to nip things in the bud with your MIL and find a way forward that allows you to raise your child with her support rather than her interference.

turtlemoose · 8 July 2012 at 11:48PM

I don't have any advice unfortunately but just wanted to sympathise.

My OH's mother is pleasant and helpful most of the time, and then my god you get a glimpse of the spiteful selfish side!!

Unfortunate my OH is not on board with me so we don't discuss her, and I mostly seethe to myself when she's done something to p*ss me off!!

One of the worst ones (and luckily OH did actually stand up to her for this one!) was that i had complications after the birth of my baby (an emrgency section), and my baby spent the first ten days of his life in hospital as he was very ill - he couldn't breastfeed due to this so was cup- fed expressed breast milk until he was strong enough to feed properly. I wanted to avoid nipple confusion, and instead of asking why we had chosen to cup feed, she decided that it "made her feel emotional" so she couldn't/wouldn't visit him in the hospital any more, and when my OH questioned her on this, she leapt on to rant about how "nobody is thinking about her" .....erm too right luv, actually we were all worrying about the baby thanks!!! If I'd had the strength at the time, I think I'd have lamped her for that particular gem!!!

whitewing · 8 July 2012 at 11:57PM

One thing I would say is that I intended to breastfeed for baby's health but did have the added advantage that I would need to do it. I found it extremely difficult - didn't know at the time that milk production is linked to serotonin levels. I gave up in the end trying to breastfeed and I felt really angry with my MIL that she was so delighted about it. ( I don't know really if she was delighted, I had bad pnd and got quite a warped view of things).

Blue_Monkey · 9 July 2012 at 10:51PM

Good luck OP. My mum can exhibit the "I know best" thing too. She gets overexcited about DD and has never been very good at listening in general. Problem I've got is that she is very very very oversensitive so I'm wary of telling her how it feels like she's disrespecting me when she doesn't listen to my "instructions" when she's babysitting DD or does things totally different to what I've asked... Sometimes it feels like she's trying to prove me wrong or that I am being overly fussy... So it makes me feel weak/pathetic/frustrated/angry/question myself all in one!

Use BF to your advantage (nipple exposure or going off to a quiet room or asking for some privacy due to shyness / baby won't concentrate) but also be wary... In the early days my mum seemed to think I was feeding DD "too much" (she didn't/couldn't breastfeed me or my siblings) as it would interrupt her cuddles.

So yes, easy for me to say nip it in the bud early, but I know it's harder to do in real life. You do have to relenquish (sp?) some control and it's not the end of the world if your routine/pattern/method/style gets disturbed for one day or so.... I guess it's about realising what your boundaries are and letting other people know (gently)... Something I need to do myself!

You'll be surprised at how many people (including grandparents) with children themselves clearly forget what it's like having a newborn around and especially your first baby. MIL was upset she didn't get a cuddle with DD when she was 2 days old - DD was screaming the place down because she was starving and I was trying to get to grips with BFing and didn't have the hang of it at that point, yet I could see MIL looking disappointed that she couldn't hold her. DD's cry at that point ripped my heart out so there was NO WAY I couldn't handed her over to someone else knowing all she wanted was food! DD had just recovered from a tummy bug when she was about 8 weeks old and my mum came round with a heavy stinking cold. When I turned her away she said "you can't wrap her in cotton wool forever"...................

Dealing with your baby's grandparents

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