Dealing with your baby's grandparents

mrcow

If she turns up unexpectedly, get your shoes and coat on and tell her that you're going out. Rinse and repeat until she gets the message that it's best to double check first to avoid being left on the doorstep like a lemon.

GracieP

Don't get me wrong I am grateful for how much she will love the baby and I really want them to have a close relationship that I'm happy to facilitate with regular visits. I also know that no matter how much I might be annoyed the baby will most likely grow to love her very much and I'd never want to do anything to stop that.

But 3 decades ago I was that baby. My father's parents were like that and my mother also had the misfortune that I was the first grandchild, so I had all their attention aimed at me for a few years. I can remember my mother being in tears leaving their house sometimes because they undermined her so much. Again they were lovely people but they just didn't respect my parents as adults who were capable of raising me. (I'm also ashamed to say that I became an expert at playing up to my grandparents and getting them to tell me I could do things I knew weren't allowed, which added to my mother's frustration. )

My best plan at the moment is that if breastfeeding works out for me, that in the early weeks I'll be the world's most indiscreet breastfeeder, so anyone planning a surprise visit to my house better be prepared to make regular eye contact with a nipple or two.

floss2

mrcow wrote: »

If she turns up unexpectedly, get your shoes and coat on and tell her that you're going out. Rinse and repeat until she gets the message that it's best to double check first to avoid being left on the doorstep like a lemon.

My mum gave me the same advice - her in-laws were impromptu visitors and she swore that she would never do it to her kids, so was very rigid in arranging visits.

My in-laws however, were of the turn-up-and-they-won't-mind- we've-travelled-15-miles-to-see-the-baby school of thought, compounded by the fact that we didn't have a phone when DS1 was born!

ariba10

Move onward 25 years and guess who will be the same Grandparents?

KxMx

Sometimes you have to make a stand and hurt someone's feelings/offend them to stop such behaviour. You will be cast as the bad guy and be subjected to hurt looks, but at the end of the day it's that or let her walk all over you!

19lottie82

OP I'm no expert but I think the key here is to nip things in the bud, clearly and firmly, and also tell her that you don't want any unarranged visits for the first few months. Just maintain your stance. If you and your OH take a common ground and support each other she should get the hint (eventually).

midnightraven3

been in your shoes
exact same scenario, lovely FIL, overbearing MIL

This is the beginning for you
you will have to take a stance
this is your baby, you and OH should have total control
the one thing i did was, i visited them (pre arranged)
once baby was 8-10 weeks +
then it was on my terms, my/babies schedule
you need to make it known that visits must be arranged

i watched my MIL with her other granchildren
i saw her take off a clean bib from my 4 month old nephew, and replace with one out a drawer
she had no shame in telling me, he isnt allowed solids yet, and his mum can smell when i give him white chocolate buttons from his bibs so i bought some to keep here so i can give him them:eek:

twas all i needed to make sure i put my foot down
if she could do that, what else was she doing?:(

anmarj

one thing I am glad about is my mother lives over 500 miles away, because I get the feeling that this is the way that she would react with our baby. My sister was up with her daughter just after she was born, and our mother and her friend had a trip to scotland at the same time, when she arrived all she did was wake up the baby who was sleeping perfectly and proceed to play and then got annoyed when we had to almost leave for the hotel for a meal that had been booked. Her friend admits that she is obsessed with her first grandaughter and he has admitted that she is just about obsessed with our baby as well:eek:, I am glad I am over 500 miles away as I would not be able to cope with my mother at all. Thankfully my mother in law is the complete opposite.:)

pmlindyloo

All good advice but sometimes when you first have a baby you are very emotional and are not able to rationalise in the 'normal way'.

You must get this sorted out before you have the baby.

The key to all this is your OH. She is his mother and OH needs to support you. If this means upsetting the MIL then so be it.

You need to talk this through and have a plan (you won't stick to it but the underlying principles will be there)

You must talk this through on the basis of what you and your OH want. 'Pepper' this with a bit of 'I will need time to settle with the baby, spend time with us a new family' and 'my hormones will be all over the place' and 'we will both be very tired and adapting to our new baby'.

Your OH will need to take control over the visiting etc and be guided by you and how you feel.

After the baby is born he will be 'on a high' and may want to show off his new member of the family, forgetting a little about you.

If you can work this out between you now then it will make things so much easier for the future.

I have the T shirt and with domineering MILs (no matter how lovely) the attitude of the OH is all important.

Good luck!

Nan63

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Perhaps a way around it is just to acknowledge that she wants to show her love for the babies, be grateful that she does, plenty of grandparents don't, or are of the school of thought that cannot understand why on earth anyone would want to touch an infant, and try to time visits for waking time.

This isn't even taking into account that you might have a baby that is different - doesn't sleep much, for example, or is fussy/colicky. Then you might be so very grateful for a Nanny who is happy to spend ages holding and soothing baby whilst you get a few moments' rest.

QUOTE]

By your own admission, your MIL is a very, very sweet lady. Her only crime in your eyes is that she may interfere with raising your baby. Speaking as a grandmother myself I would prefer it if my daughter or DIL sat me down with a cuppa and explained how nervous/excited you are about the changes in your life with the new baby coming along and how much you are looking forward to my help but you would like to take a while to get into a routine of your own and get to know your baby without any outside influence. Explain how you know I am at the end of the phone and would drop everything to help me so you won't be holding back on asking for advice.

I have had times when I thought I'd do that differently when my daughter has done some things with my grandson, but have the sense to remain quiet. He is her son and she is doing a damn fine job of raising him! I don't know if I am the perfect grandmother by any standards but I do know I adore my little munchkin and just hearing him breathe down the phone brightens my day. Give your MIL the opportunity to feel part of your baby's life. Believe me, some days you will be thankful she's there! Wish you all the best x