Dealing with your baby's grandparents

GracieP

My first baby is due in a few months and one thing that is worrying me is how to deal with their grandparents if they are being overbearing or are undermining my parenting. To be correct I'm really worried about my mother in law. My parents and my fil are easier going and while I'm sure I'll disagree with them about things I don't foresee it causing big problems. My mil though different, she is an absolutely lovely person but she can be very interfering without meaning to be. She fusses unbelievably over every little thing and she can be extremely passive aggressive if she doesn't like how you are doing things. She will completely ignore anything you say and push and push to makes things happen her way. I often think this wouldn't be half as annoying if she was a bit of a cow so you could just ignore her without caring but she's a big hearted, kind woman who's feelings I hate to hurt, so I, along with everyone else, usually end up giving into doing things her way no matter how frustrating.

I don't mind doing this about most things being with her family rather than mine for Christmas, making a fuss over random calender holidays that most people just ignore but she finds special, etc. But I'm not that willing to let her dictate our routine with a new baby which I'm worried may be on the cards. In the last few months I've been noticing how she acts with her other grandchildren and the more I see, the more I'm getting nervous about it. I've been paying most attention when she is with her newest grandchild who is still an infant.

She is basically the self-appointed expert in the house and constantly interferes with the routine the parents have set up, just ignoring it and doing her own thing as soon as she gets her hands on the baby. Her worst habit is refusing to let the baby settle to sleep. The baby will be put down for a nap and at the slightest murmur (not a cry or anything just a gurgle or a sigh) from baby she'll be rushing over, picking it up, cuddling it, rocking it, fussing it, etc. She pretends not to hear if she is asked to allow the baby to settle and instead carries on fussing. She has even gone and woken the baby when it's sleeping deeply, insisting it wants it's dummy or to finish it's bottle. Then when the baby cries at being woken she acts as if it's proof that she was right to wake it. Every time I've witnessed her do this the baby ends up horribly over-tired and is a nightmare to settle for the next few sleep/feed cycles. But she's already gone home at this point and when she hears about it the next day nods sagely about how fussy the baby is and tells anyone who will listen about all she had to do to settle it. However whenever I have been visiting and the she hasn't, the baby isn't remotely fussy and happily settles and sleeps well between feeds.

I know this exact same treatment will be in our future if I can't nip it in the bud. She is already telling us all the ways we'll have to raise the baby and how stupid any of our plans that she disagrees with are. I'm not stupid, I'm well aware that the odds are that plenty of our plans will go out the window once the little guy is actually here. But I have had a huge amount of experience with children, including working with infants in a developing world orphanage and for a children's charity at home, I'm not the novice that she has decided I am. I really don't want to be undermined at every turn or have mine and my husband's decisions about our child ignored. I don't want what I'm seeing with her other grandbaby to happen with mine. But I also don't want to hurt her feelings or upset her because I know that her actions aren't coming from anywhere but her best intentions.:(

meritaten

Does she live with you? because if not then you can ignore her - her visits wont disrupt your parenting.
If she does then this is going to be a nightmare.

Mrs_Arcanum

How supportive of you is your OH Gracie? This will have the biggest impact on how you manage your MiL.

If your OH sticks by you and you agree a basic strategy it will show a united front and should be easier to nip in the bud any overbearing behaviour.

Good luck and fingers crossed.

Floss

TBH, I think you are going to have to be firm with her, even if it upsets her. I would venture to say, lay down your ground rules BEFORE your baby arrives, as you don't want her causing a big commotion when you have a new-born and are already feeling emotionally and physically battered.

What does your DH think about her behaviour? Does he agree with you or let it go, as getting him onside may go a long way towards keeping her in line.

TBH, by letting her have her own way up to now, it has probably been a bit like when you spoil a pet or a child for an easier life, but you've now reached that point where action must be taken and you know it isn't going to be pleasant - good luck!

PinkLipgloss

I suffer from an interfering mother telling me how she did XYZ and my sister and I turned out okay!

Trust your instincts and focus on enjoying your new arrival when it comes! I simply make a "hmmm" type sound to everything my mother says about our parenting techniques then promptly ignore her comments. It makes life easier as there is no telling her!

Classic example was his 4 month visit with paediatrician who was pleased with his progress - basically said he was tall for his age, correct weight etc and to just keep doing what we were doing and move on to solids at 6 months. Mother however kept harping on about how being a "big baby" he should move on to solids at 4 months. My baby was happy, sleeping through most of the night, taking all of his feeds and the doctor was pleased I therefore happily ignored her!

GracieP

Thankfully she doesn't live with us. But she lives nearby and I'm worried she'll be a very frequent visitor. She often calls unannounced to the in-laws with the newborn and is always telling us how much she loves doing it and will call over just for the chance to play with the baby. She would normally arrange all family visits in advance but it seems that when a baby is in the mix all the old norms go out the window.

My husband would normally be very much of the let her have her own way, she means well and is harmless attitude. But he's actually gotten very angry with her at times lately when he sees how she interferes with his brother's baby. At first he thought it was cute but having been in their house a few times for the aftermath of her fussing has opened his eyes. If she starts fussing with our baby and it causes an evening of overtired cranky baby I'm worried he'll bite her head off.

I agree that she has been 'spoiled' by always giving her, her own way on things. It's an argument that I used to make to my OH back in our earlier years. But as time has gone I've fallen into the habit too as she is very, very sweet and I always feel really guilty if I feel like I've caused her to be hurt.

Gillyx

I could have written this about my MIL down to the fussing!! She is too a lovely person but exactly what you have written.

Im sorry to say we havent sorted it, anytime we try to speak to her in a rational manner she gets angry and upset. Fortunately my OH agrees with me and her constant I know everything attitude upsets me so we dont really visit anymore.

It upsets me that has come to this but I wasnt prepared to feel belittled constantly and for our son to be so over tired the next day and a half is all out of sync and hes upset and crying because he's over tired.

I hope you can come to an ammicable solution.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Limit the time for visits, so that any disruption only affects one nap?

Breastfeed, so there is no bottle or dummy to give?



Thing is, it doesn't matter about whether you've held a million babies in every shade, size and nationality, holding a baby of your own/a baby that is related to you is different.

Whilst you may be able to put your baby down easily - and you could find that really difficult to do once s/he is born, love and hormones can do funny things - she only gets to see the baby a bit, and a little white bundle in a cot to be viewed from afar isn't the same as a proper cuddle with someone she obviously already loves intensely.

Perhaps a way around it is just to acknowledge that she wants to show her love for the babies, be grateful that she does, plenty of grandparents don't, or are of the school of thought that cannot understand why on earth anyone would want to touch an infant, and try to time visits for waking time.

So, perhaps, as she gets there, you could pass her the baby straight away, saying that it's a special treat for baby to have Nanny cuddles/sleeps and just let her hold baby for the duration? Sooner or later, she'll need to drink her cuppa and put the baby down, or her arms will ache - and it doesn't destroy everything to have something different once a week/fortnight/day.


This isn't even taking into account that you might have a baby that is different - doesn't sleep much, for example, or is fussy/colicky. Then you might be so very grateful for a Nanny who is happy to spend ages holding and soothing baby whilst you get a few moments' rest.


Reassure yourself - your OH was reared by her and he can't be all bad

And you haven't got someone muttering darkly about getting DNA tests to prove 'It' is anything to do with their son and refusing to be called anything other than their first name, signing baby's birthday and Christmas cards 'from x and y xxxxxxxxxxxx'.

Gillyx

Also the impromptu visits I nipped in the bud, just said if youre popping over ill need x amount of notice, as i may be out, sleeping or busy. At the start too you hardly want your in laws round when youve got both boobs out and a screamy baby trying his best to latch on, or was that just me?

PinkLipgloss

Gillyx wrote: »

Also the impromptu visits I nipped in the bud, just said if youre popping over ill need x amount of notice, as i may be out, sleeping or busy. At the start too you hardly want your in laws round when youve got both boobs out and a screamy baby trying his best to latch on, or was that just me?

So true!

I was like a zombie the first 6 weeks BF every 2 hours or so day and night! Last thing I wanted was any visitors especially unannounced ones...

Mrs_Arcanum

Gillyx wrote: »

Also the impromptu visits I nipped in the bud, just said if youre popping over ill need x amount of notice, as i may be out, sleeping or busy. At the start too you hardly want your in laws round when youve got both boobs out and a screamy baby trying his best to latch on, or was that just me?

You can expand on this and say one reason for not allowing impromptu visits is so if you know they are coming they can be really helpful & if there is any thing you need they can pick it up on the way.